Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens

Excellent

Looking past the confusion, I am going to rate this one excellent, because it simply is. It flows with great rhythm and message and keeps the readers attention. You continue to amaze me with your writing skills. Good job Norm, Carolyn

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013

Hi; I should stop posting depression poems. I get three stars even though the poems may be good or funny.

Norm

reply by Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens on 05-Jul-2013

Your over-all rating is excellent. Each reader responds to writings in a different way. I love Shakespeare, but, only now and then. I like all of what you write, and, I 'especially' like the variety. Something to think about, :-))) Carolyn

Comment from zeldasmith

Excellent

I twault I twall a twoody twat; I twault I twall a twabbit. I twault I twall a twot of twings but what I twall was good habit. You writ your past and glad at last to rid the mind of all those things that life did long ago bring. Now poet you can sing of what to you now life does bring. Well go ahead before I'm dead. Gotta go you know. Toot a loo!

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2013

Thanks again.

reply by zeldasmith on 04-Jul-2013

Welcome.

Comment from Brocha1

Excellent

a wonderful poem. It has excellent rhythm. You have built up the story line very well.
I especially liked "The youthful flights of innocence
Are gone and probably dead " So expressive.

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2013

I am glad you don't mind depression poems.

Thanks for the review.

Norm

Comment from kiwisteveh

Good

I taught I red a lubbly pome
It bubbled on like dis
An' den it wobbled just a bit
The rhythm 'gan to miss

I'm fine with the nonsense start leading to the more serious theme of confusion, but I was disappointed you didn't continue with the strong meter.

Steve

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2013

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2013

Whatis a strong meter. I am new to the site?

Norm

reply by kiwisteveh on 04-Jul-2013

Hi, Norm - welcome to FanStory

Meter refers to the rhythm in a poem, specifically the number and stress pattern of syllables in each line.

Your poem starts off in strong iambic (weak stress/strong stress or di-DUM) and you have four of these 'feet' (8 syllables altogether) in lines 1 and 3 of each stanza. Your alternate lines (lines 2 and 4 in each stanza) tend to have 3 feet = 6 syllables.

Later in your poem this pattern is less well defined and in one stanza you even change the number of lines.

You don't have to use meter in your poetry - you can write free verse which doesn't worry about it - but the general opinion is that if you start out with a noticeable rhythm or meter, then you should stick to it.

Here endeth the lesson, Meter 101

Still an interesting piece and you could always argue that the patterns break down towards the end of your poem to reflect the chaos and confusion you are depicting!

Hope to read more of your work soon.

Steve

reply by the author on 04-Jul-2013

Steve. I appreciate the review. I can see where I changed the amount of lines and will go into the. Poem to correct.
Norm

reply by the author on 04-Jul-2013

Steve. It seems that all my rhyming poems are wrong.

Thanks anyway. I am not a good poet but I have fun.

Norm

reply by kiwisteveh on 04-Jul-2013

Please don't be discouraged. As with most things in life, this gets easier with practice.
You did actually have a good rhythm going for a large part of the poem which is more than some on FanStory ever manage!

Keep writing.

Steve