The Ripple Effect
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Butterfly"A couple's tour about England takes many turns....
11 total reviews
Comment from Loverofwords
Very good. I enjoyed the interaction between McCail and the old lady. Merlin seems to be a interesting character. Its been a while since I've started this story and I can't believe left it. Well done. I'll be taking time to read more.
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Very good. I enjoyed the interaction between McCail and the old lady. Merlin seems to be a interesting character. Its been a while since I've started this story and I can't believe left it. Well done. I'll be taking time to read more.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2006
Comment from Tallteller
Two more characters are introduced and one would hope that the stress given to them means they feature later in the tale. This chapter takes the story forward at a slower pace and we have time to breath and get more acquainted with the atmosphere and ambiance. A pace I like but many will not.
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Two more characters are introduced and one would hope that the stress given to them means they feature later in the tale. This chapter takes the story forward at a slower pace and we have time to breath and get more acquainted with the atmosphere and ambiance. A pace I like but many will not.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2006
Comment from hellfire0808
"He will endured a twenty-five minute wait for her." He has endured
"half dead " half-dead
"His rump lowers and secured a half- foot section. " and secures
"Putting up with all his crap, was not an easy task " you don't need this comma
"high heeled" high-heeled
"The two other men, disposed of her quickly and search for more viable subjects." move the comma from after men to after quickly
"Without listening, she opens her purse and pulled out a wad of cash foreign to Mccail's eyes." she opened
"There's a bar close by, may I buy you a glass of wine? You need to close this quoat
"No, no. My heart can't take that kind of excitement". all the rest of your puncuation is inside the quoats so this should be too
"stone wall" stonewall
"'Its like a zoo out there. She must be lost." It's
"Mass volumes of air rhythmically beat against his chest, the young woman seated next to him, sees and feels nothing." change the comma to a semi colan or a period
A good start but you need to take another look at editing.
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"He will endured a twenty-five minute wait for her." He has endured
"half dead " half-dead
"His rump lowers and secured a half- foot section. " and secures
"Putting up with all his crap, was not an easy task " you don't need this comma
"high heeled" high-heeled
"The two other men, disposed of her quickly and search for more viable subjects." move the comma from after men to after quickly
"Without listening, she opens her purse and pulled out a wad of cash foreign to Mccail's eyes." she opened
"There's a bar close by, may I buy you a glass of wine? You need to close this quoat
"No, no. My heart can't take that kind of excitement". all the rest of your puncuation is inside the quoats so this should be too
"stone wall" stonewall
"'Its like a zoo out there. She must be lost." It's
"Mass volumes of air rhythmically beat against his chest, the young woman seated next to him, sees and feels nothing." change the comma to a semi colan or a period
A good start but you need to take another look at editing.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2005
Comment from anaire
Hi,
i read your work and i liked the flow of words. It's good writing, but somehow I'm left wondering: whats all about?
Truth is I did not understand it.
The writing is good, but on me, the message is lost.
Maybe because I only read one chapter.
Also this doesnt sound right :
Susan quickly leaned forward, and while planting two ruby lip prints on his cheeks, and one, rather large plunger size kiss to my forehead, her breasts tumbled out of their purple bandeau. His eyes are held captive by their magnitude and beauty, just inches away; he drools.
'On his cheeks' and 'on my forehead' - are there two people being kissed?
Otherwise, good job.
Well done
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Hi,
i read your work and i liked the flow of words. It's good writing, but somehow I'm left wondering: whats all about?
Truth is I did not understand it.
The writing is good, but on me, the message is lost.
Maybe because I only read one chapter.
Also this doesnt sound right :
Susan quickly leaned forward, and while planting two ruby lip prints on his cheeks, and one, rather large plunger size kiss to my forehead, her breasts tumbled out of their purple bandeau. His eyes are held captive by their magnitude and beauty, just inches away; he drools.
'On his cheeks' and 'on my forehead' - are there two people being kissed?
Otherwise, good job.
Well done
Comment Written 22-Jun-2005
Comment from CarolinasAngel
He will endured = endure a twenty-five minute wait for her.
awakening half dead = hald-dead travellers
dressed in (a) haltered breastplate
THE TENSES IN THIS SKIPS FROM PAST TENSE TO PRESENT TENSE ALL THROUGH IT. YOU NEED TO USE ONE TENSE ALL THE WAY THROUGHT IT. SUCH AS THIS LINE...
her and Mccails eyes meet, they were ten -feet apart.
MEET IS PRESENT TENSE AND WERE IS PAST TENSE. YOU NEED TO CHANGE IT TO ALL PAST TENSE, THAT'S WHAT I THINK YOU MEAN FOR THE WHOLE THING TO BE IN IS PAST INSTEAD OF PRESENT.
Her and Mccail's eyes met, they were ten-feet apart.
THAT IS ALSO WITH PROPER PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR.
ANYWAY THERE'S A LOT OF EDITING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE WITH THIS PIECE OF WRITING. WHEN YOU GET THE FINAL DRAFT FINISHED LET ME KNOW I'LL COME BACK AND REREAD IT AND UPDATE MY REVIEW AND RATING.
:O) CANDY
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He will endured = endure a twenty-five minute wait for her.
awakening half dead = hald-dead travellers
dressed in (a) haltered breastplate
THE TENSES IN THIS SKIPS FROM PAST TENSE TO PRESENT TENSE ALL THROUGH IT. YOU NEED TO USE ONE TENSE ALL THE WAY THROUGHT IT. SUCH AS THIS LINE...
her and Mccails eyes meet, they were ten -feet apart.
MEET IS PRESENT TENSE AND WERE IS PAST TENSE. YOU NEED TO CHANGE IT TO ALL PAST TENSE, THAT'S WHAT I THINK YOU MEAN FOR THE WHOLE THING TO BE IN IS PAST INSTEAD OF PRESENT.
Her and Mccail's eyes met, they were ten-feet apart.
THAT IS ALSO WITH PROPER PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR.
ANYWAY THERE'S A LOT OF EDITING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE WITH THIS PIECE OF WRITING. WHEN YOU GET THE FINAL DRAFT FINISHED LET ME KNOW I'LL COME BACK AND REREAD IT AND UPDATE MY REVIEW AND RATING.
:O) CANDY
Comment Written 22-Jun-2005
Comment from LeeCan
Mccail stands in the very some spot as others before. (same)
Patience, and every now and then, a quick kick to his pride. Her love for him never wanes, and he knew it. (knows) the tense has to match.
Fairly well written, but I had trouble completing this, what I don't know is if this was me or the writing. This is not what I would chose to read.
There were a few interesting word choices I liked however.
Good luck
dlanthis
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Mccail stands in the very some spot as others before. (same)
Patience, and every now and then, a quick kick to his pride. Her love for him never wanes, and he knew it. (knows) the tense has to match.
Fairly well written, but I had trouble completing this, what I don't know is if this was me or the writing. This is not what I would chose to read.
There were a few interesting word choices I liked however.
Good luck
dlanthis
Comment Written 02-Jun-2005
Comment from Kym Jade
An extremely enjoyable chapter with wonderfully magical imagery. It flowed with a silken touch. Intriguing and interesting. We want to know more.
Mccail stands in the very some(same) spot as others before.
"Oh my goodness how sweet! I didn't feel it fall. I believe I owe you an apologize(appology) for my behavior, I'm terribly sorry.
"Well, I probably deserved it. You must excuse myself(me or I must excuse myself) as well. I'm beat from the flight, it was the pits."
"Just as you wish." She turns to leave and then stops and reaches once more into her purse. "Listen, If(if) you find yourself in need of anything, please take my card, and don't hesitate to call.'"
"I see now him(him now) dear, thanks.
Best wishes and dreams.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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An extremely enjoyable chapter with wonderfully magical imagery. It flowed with a silken touch. Intriguing and interesting. We want to know more.
Mccail stands in the very some(same) spot as others before.
"Oh my goodness how sweet! I didn't feel it fall. I believe I owe you an apologize(appology) for my behavior, I'm terribly sorry.
"Well, I probably deserved it. You must excuse myself(me or I must excuse myself) as well. I'm beat from the flight, it was the pits."
"Just as you wish." She turns to leave and then stops and reaches once more into her purse. "Listen, If(if) you find yourself in need of anything, please take my card, and don't hesitate to call.'"
"I see now him(him now) dear, thanks.
Best wishes and dreams.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2005
Comment from Wee Jeanie
I've taken your comments to heart. You have a very powerful voice with an unusual way of expressing things but some work needs to be done.
stands in the very some(same) spot as others
Her and Mccail's eyes meet while ten -feet apart. He nods giving her a smile, while she flips him the finger and keeps walking.
OR
She meets Mccail's eyes....I don't understand what the flipping finger means...
brought to your knee's.(you don't need the apostrophe)
He admires the petal(')s form,(as) if for the first time, before shifting his attention upward, into the blue eyes of Mccail.
A wink is sent Mccail's way, along with a broad smile. - This is passive voice and is best avoided - or - you should avoid the passive voice.
I still find it difficult to read stories in the present tense.
Here's an example of your present changed into past(mainly)
Mccail now stands seemingly alone, in a crowded courtyard, an island unto himself. Waves of people pass by in another world, and on a different wheel of life, while he glows like a lighthouse.
OR Mccail stood isolated in the courtyard, an island surrounded by waves of people.
Centred in his soul, radiating light, his eyes connected with the future of the people he watched and his mind hummed on a higher wave length revealing the myriad of movements before they happened.
Centered in his soul, he stands surrounded by a collection of individuals, viewing in advance their every move, and telegraphed on a wave length, which he is able to read. He turns in a slow manner, watching, with the eyes of a child.
OR He revolved slowly, viewing this new world with the wonder of a child.
(I tried to fit in your lighthouse image but it doesn't quite work for me)
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I've taken your comments to heart. You have a very powerful voice with an unusual way of expressing things but some work needs to be done.
stands in the very some(same) spot as others
Her and Mccail's eyes meet while ten -feet apart. He nods giving her a smile, while she flips him the finger and keeps walking.
OR
She meets Mccail's eyes....I don't understand what the flipping finger means...
brought to your knee's.(you don't need the apostrophe)
He admires the petal(')s form,(as) if for the first time, before shifting his attention upward, into the blue eyes of Mccail.
A wink is sent Mccail's way, along with a broad smile. - This is passive voice and is best avoided - or - you should avoid the passive voice.
I still find it difficult to read stories in the present tense.
Here's an example of your present changed into past(mainly)
Mccail now stands seemingly alone, in a crowded courtyard, an island unto himself. Waves of people pass by in another world, and on a different wheel of life, while he glows like a lighthouse.
OR Mccail stood isolated in the courtyard, an island surrounded by waves of people.
Centred in his soul, radiating light, his eyes connected with the future of the people he watched and his mind hummed on a higher wave length revealing the myriad of movements before they happened.
Centered in his soul, he stands surrounded by a collection of individuals, viewing in advance their every move, and telegraphed on a wave length, which he is able to read. He turns in a slow manner, watching, with the eyes of a child.
OR He revolved slowly, viewing this new world with the wonder of a child.
(I tried to fit in your lighthouse image but it doesn't quite work for me)
Comment Written 02-Jun-2005
Comment from XNTrick
"airports" - airport's
"Passerby's" - Passers-by
"travelers" - travellers
I gave up after those first few corrections. But I did notice that you improved as the chapter went on. Keep an eye out for correct usage of apostrophes.
As a piece of writing, what I liked most about this was the keen eye you have for quirky and unusual details in bringing the scene to life. My interest was held to the end because of this. However, I really didn't care for the narrative tense you chose - it seemed distant and cold to relay the tale in present real-time the way you did. I'm not much of an author myself, but I think either a first person interior narration (for the series of personal thoughts this character has) or a traditional past tense third person would work better.
But otherwise, there's a great deal to commend in this - it's a very lively read and I can tell you're going to give us an unpredictable tale. Best of luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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"airports" - airport's
"Passerby's" - Passers-by
"travelers" - travellers
I gave up after those first few corrections. But I did notice that you improved as the chapter went on. Keep an eye out for correct usage of apostrophes.
As a piece of writing, what I liked most about this was the keen eye you have for quirky and unusual details in bringing the scene to life. My interest was held to the end because of this. However, I really didn't care for the narrative tense you chose - it seemed distant and cold to relay the tale in present real-time the way you did. I'm not much of an author myself, but I think either a first person interior narration (for the series of personal thoughts this character has) or a traditional past tense third person would work better.
But otherwise, there's a great deal to commend in this - it's a very lively read and I can tell you're going to give us an unpredictable tale. Best of luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2005
Comment from Duane Simolke
>secures a half- foot section.
secures a half-foot section.
>Its stones, squared and groomed into precision fashion, fits his bottom, giving rest.
Its stones, squared and groomed into precision fashion, fit his bottom, giving rest.
stones...fit
The imagery of the sitting rumps is oddly funny.
>Their fine and captivating beautiful, delicate, rugged, nurturing, peaceful, delightful and most of all, breathtakingly distractive.
Instead of Their, did you mean They're, as in They are?
>Mccail is busy watching these clinging forms pass by, and supporting women's rights to be women.
LOL!
>Their coming and goings, fill the eyes of Mccail and his two wall sitting rump friends.
Comma really needed?
>Mccail on the other hand sees the beauty in the woman's manner.
Mccail, on the other hand, sees the beauty in the woman's manner.
>Seeing there was no reason to argue, she took matters into her own hands.
You switch to past tense there.
>Shifting uncomfortably on the walls edge and wiping his chin.
wall's edge (and other placess where you needed possessive instead of plural)
>did." regurgitate his horrible experience in customs, he moves forward in conversation.
did." Regurgitating his horrible experience in customs, he moves forward in conversation.
Make sure you're consistent with commas and periods, when used with closing quotation marks. Handbooks differ on whether to put them inside or outside the quotation marks, but the main thing is consistency.
This is a very funny chapter. You really create a world and swirl it around the characters. The people and the places are fascinating, often hilarious. The descriptive details make it much more interesting.
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>secures a half- foot section.
secures a half-foot section.
>Its stones, squared and groomed into precision fashion, fits his bottom, giving rest.
Its stones, squared and groomed into precision fashion, fit his bottom, giving rest.
stones...fit
The imagery of the sitting rumps is oddly funny.
>Their fine and captivating beautiful, delicate, rugged, nurturing, peaceful, delightful and most of all, breathtakingly distractive.
Instead of Their, did you mean They're, as in They are?
>Mccail is busy watching these clinging forms pass by, and supporting women's rights to be women.
LOL!
>Their coming and goings, fill the eyes of Mccail and his two wall sitting rump friends.
Comma really needed?
>Mccail on the other hand sees the beauty in the woman's manner.
Mccail, on the other hand, sees the beauty in the woman's manner.
>Seeing there was no reason to argue, she took matters into her own hands.
You switch to past tense there.
>Shifting uncomfortably on the walls edge and wiping his chin.
wall's edge (and other placess where you needed possessive instead of plural)
>did." regurgitate his horrible experience in customs, he moves forward in conversation.
did." Regurgitating his horrible experience in customs, he moves forward in conversation.
Make sure you're consistent with commas and periods, when used with closing quotation marks. Handbooks differ on whether to put them inside or outside the quotation marks, but the main thing is consistency.
This is a very funny chapter. You really create a world and swirl it around the characters. The people and the places are fascinating, often hilarious. The descriptive details make it much more interesting.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2005