Comment from Walu Feral

Excellent

G'day Steve. What a great yarn this is mate. it is a very enjoyable read and has a bit of every emotion in it. is it a true story? Good luk in the comp mate. Cheers Fez.

 Comment Written 31-Mar-2013

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reply by the author on 03-Apr-2013

Thanks, Fez.

Are you back home yet or still in the phillippines?

Steve

reply by Walu Feral on 03-Apr-2013

G'day mate. I'm still in the Philippines until april 16. Have you caught up with my poems about the trip? They start with "the Arrival" and there are 4 or 5 more including one today. I reckon you'll get a kick outta them. Cheers mate, Fez.

Comment from jgirlie152

Excellent

This is quite a story you have told, for Terry was the one picked on by Warren. The fact that he was brave and saved Terry's life was an ending not expected.
This is really well told, and touched the reader as it was meant to.
Joan

 Comment Written 30-Mar-2013

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reply by the author on 03-Apr-2013

Thanks, Joan - glad you enjoyed.

Steve

Comment from Righteous Riter

Excellent

The writer does a good job of sticking to the aabb rhyme scheme. The rhyming is good. This piece flows well but the flow in the third line of the tenth stanza is off a little but it does take from the message.

 Comment Written 30-Mar-2013

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reply by the author on 03-Apr-2013

Thank you!

Steve

Comment from lorijean

Excellent

What a tragic tale, it just goes to show how sometimes we can misjudge a person, until all of a sudden they shine when you least expect it, beautifully written, it goes straight to the heart......

 Comment Written 30-Mar-2013

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reply by the author on 03-Apr-2013

Thanks, LJ

Yes, I guess that is the point I wanted to make. I also considered having the apprentice sacrifice his own life to save the man who had bullied him - that would have been a totally different message.

Steve

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Exceptional

This would have been a winner in a story-in-a-poem competitio. Not only have you covered your own story here but a reflection on life, all with superb rhyming and cleverly chosen words - pleasure to read. Giddy

 Comment Written 30-Mar-2013

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reply by the author on 03-Apr-2013

Thanks for the kind words and all the stars.
It was entered in the competition, but not even close to the winner - I'll have to see about getting you on the judging panel! :o)

Steve

Comment from Spitfire

Excellent

Amazing. You make this sound like a true story. Warren the villain turned out to be the hero. Believable because he had a brutal personality and no doubt the strenth that went with it. Smooth reading, masterful rhyming.

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2013

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reply by the author on 03-Apr-2013

Thank you - yes, it feels like it could actually have happened.

Steve

Comment from strandregs

Excellent

And he takes the first place again.
congratulations on well written and rhymed and rhythmed
ballad, almost like big bad john.
enjoyed the story telling and the language.Z.

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2013

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reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013

Hey! A little quick off the mark with the congratulations - I've never won one of these things yet!
I remember Big Bd John - he was a while ago, though.

Steve

reply by strandregs on 30-Mar-2013

If you remember him and I remember him we must be in need of false teeth and a short combe.Z.:)

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Bravo! Sounds like a winner to me!

Everyone likes a hero story, and your rhyme and meter are very good too. Good luck! :)

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2013

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reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013

Thanks, Phyllis, but I won't be counting any chickens....

Steve

Comment from dogontherocks

Excellent

Nicely done there Steve. You've written another good story. I assume it all came from your head because there are no author's notes.

Well rhymed and well structured.

Good luck with the contest.

Dave

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2013

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reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013

Yep, this one is all me - I had to toss up about the ending - bully saves apprentice or apprentice saves bully....

Steve

Comment from Deborah Marie

Excellent

Nice story for contest. Good photo choice. Excellent progression, rhythm and flow for an excellent read. Good luck in the contest, Deb

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2013

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reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013

Thanks, Deb - glad you enjoyed.

Steve