The Ripple Effect
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Knock Knock - The Opera"A couple's tour about England takes many turns....
5 total reviews
Comment from WriterX13
Interesting scene. The dialect is a little har to follow, break it up a little more and possibly add paragraphs. without grouping the events it just runs on and it gets tiring. Very good concept.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2014
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Interesting scene. The dialect is a little har to follow, break it up a little more and possibly add paragraphs. without grouping the events it just runs on and it gets tiring. Very good concept.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2014
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Thanks... I wanted it to be mostly dialog, but can see areas where I might fill in with details... bill
Comment from EmberSnowcat
Hi Bill. I really enjoyed this chapter, and I think that the dialog works very nice. You kept it up the entire chapter and that can be a hard thing to do, but you did it and you did it well. I did find some SPAG for you. Other than those minor things needing some tweaking, you did a great job!
?Listen nancy-boy, (capitalize Nancy)
Oh, my goodness York. Well, i'll be. (capitalize the I in I'll)
He's like a cheetah, You got any tickets? (either put a period after cheetah or uncapitalize You.)
Me and the Mrs got (period after Mrs.)
i'd like to search him myself using a fork-lift(capitalize I'd)
I tell you there was a old man who attacked me.(change a to an.)
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2014
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Hi Bill. I really enjoyed this chapter, and I think that the dialog works very nice. You kept it up the entire chapter and that can be a hard thing to do, but you did it and you did it well. I did find some SPAG for you. Other than those minor things needing some tweaking, you did a great job!
?Listen nancy-boy, (capitalize Nancy)
Oh, my goodness York. Well, i'll be. (capitalize the I in I'll)
He's like a cheetah, You got any tickets? (either put a period after cheetah or uncapitalize You.)
Me and the Mrs got (period after Mrs.)
i'd like to search him myself using a fork-lift(capitalize I'd)
I tell you there was a old man who attacked me.(change a to an.)
Comment Written 12-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2014
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Thanks for the nice review and corrections and kind words... as I fixed all.
Been awhile since I been here on FS, and as always I do have a bit of trouble especially with commas. ,... Bill,
Comment from chasennov
'Knock knock - The Opera.'This is a very good piece of work which I have enjoyed reading very much. It was well formulated and structured, and rounded out to encompass a strong extension to the narrative. Well done.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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'Knock knock - The Opera.'This is a very good piece of work which I have enjoyed reading very much. It was well formulated and structured, and rounded out to encompass a strong extension to the narrative. Well done.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Thank you kindly sir... I am still wondering about this chapter as part of it is lacking in my eyes. Wrote this a dialog only, just to see if I could pull it off, but then added a few lines after I figured out that I needed to add some just for spice... which I will be doing more of I think... still trying to figure this writing thing out of how to have a blend of both words and action... Anyway I thank you for your nice review and your well done... Bill
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You're most welcome.
Comment from stockoption
An interesting story and pretty well written, but I got a little confused in a couple of places. I scanned some previous chapters to get a better feel for your writing.
You're a good storyteller, but in places the punctuation, or lack of it, causes the reader to stumble.
A few examples:
The man is obviously a totally deranged dimwit Sargent or drunk (needs a comma after dimwit and Sargent is spelled "sergeant")
This chap use to be an Inspector, ("used" to be ?)
This is Inspector Chaffin and unless you want me to bust down yer door, and send the dogs in you'd best open." (remove the comma after door and insert a comma after dogs)
Step back Pilot against the wall (comma after Pilot)
Can you turn the bloody heater down, its like an oven in here
(Should be two sentences, with a question mark and "it's" for it is... Can you turn the bloody heater down? It's like an oven in here
Good story. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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An interesting story and pretty well written, but I got a little confused in a couple of places. I scanned some previous chapters to get a better feel for your writing.
You're a good storyteller, but in places the punctuation, or lack of it, causes the reader to stumble.
A few examples:
The man is obviously a totally deranged dimwit Sargent or drunk (needs a comma after dimwit and Sargent is spelled "sergeant")
This chap use to be an Inspector, ("used" to be ?)
This is Inspector Chaffin and unless you want me to bust down yer door, and send the dogs in you'd best open." (remove the comma after door and insert a comma after dogs)
Step back Pilot against the wall (comma after Pilot)
Can you turn the bloody heater down, its like an oven in here
(Should be two sentences, with a question mark and "it's" for it is... Can you turn the bloody heater down? It's like an oven in here
Good story. Keep writing.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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commas, commas,,,, I guess I am the worst, besides my spelling [use, used]... Anyway thanks for this nice review. it show me that for one you read this silly thing, 2 you stayed long enough to comment on it and that too is # 3 you corrected me..That is the only way I can improve.... Every time i write and post I read the thing 50 times, and usually I have 50 mistakes still... I went in and corrected and added a few lines here and there [probably messed those up too?]... anyway thank you for correcting.... Bill
Comment from vapros
An interesting read, Hager, well planned and crafted. Your first venture into dialog went very well - nearly always a good idea. Readers love conversation. When you see them leafing thru a book in a store, they are measuring the dialog content. Use lots of it, but only if it's good. Be well.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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An interesting read, Hager, well planned and crafted. Your first venture into dialog went very well - nearly always a good idea. Readers love conversation. When you see them leafing thru a book in a store, they are measuring the dialog content. Use lots of it, but only if it's good. Be well.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thanks for the review... i usually do a lot of dialog, but thought I'd try one in just, but I think the other with lines and stuff works for me better... although I see by doing this chapter the need for action can be done in words only.... anyway take care... bill