Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Gima: Jacknel Goes Berserk"fantasy adventure
19 total reviews
Comment from Tina55
Hey, Ellen,
And, once again, you drop me back into this other more violent, unforgiving world...so, so well.
This Jacknel is a vicious character.
I only let you live because you are family. (Wow, he's harsh.)
cobra fart? How did you come up with that one? LOL
Talk about a fast pace, vividly described, brutal re-entry to Bellow City.
You had me cringing throughout - a true thriller. Well done!!
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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Hey, Ellen,
And, once again, you drop me back into this other more violent, unforgiving world...so, so well.
This Jacknel is a vicious character.
I only let you live because you are family. (Wow, he's harsh.)
cobra fart? How did you come up with that one? LOL
Talk about a fast pace, vividly described, brutal re-entry to Bellow City.
You had me cringing throughout - a true thriller. Well done!!
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 25-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Tina. Glad you liked this one and 'cobra fart.'(Sadie had an alum sculpture ... The Cobra. Hoping to jar that memory forward ... at least the horror of it.) Time to hate vermel. Your encouraging push me forward. On ward we go.:) e
Comment from Mastery
Ellen, you certainly have the violent, battling, down and dirty dueling type thing down pat. As in this passage for instance:
"In one oft' practiced move, Jacknel unsheathes his saber and Swish! Pike's right forearm flies through the air, bouncing twice before landing - Thud--on the arena floor. Pike watches in disbelief, as his blood sprays everywhere-- in Jacknel 's face, on the office door, up to the eyes in the rafters--where ever his arm points. He slips at Jacknel's feet and groveling, pleads, "But sir ... Trell ...""
Wow! Prety good. you do well with this genre. Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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Ellen, you certainly have the violent, battling, down and dirty dueling type thing down pat. As in this passage for instance:
"In one oft' practiced move, Jacknel unsheathes his saber and Swish! Pike's right forearm flies through the air, bouncing twice before landing - Thud--on the arena floor. Pike watches in disbelief, as his blood sprays everywhere-- in Jacknel 's face, on the office door, up to the eyes in the rafters--where ever his arm points. He slips at Jacknel's feet and groveling, pleads, "But sir ... Trell ...""
Wow! Prety good. you do well with this genre. Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 24-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Bob. I just love a Bravo from you. It was hard to get back to this mind-set after being in Upper Earth rescuing and bonding. Thank you again.:) ellen
Comment from purrfect tale
Jacknel really screwed himself my not letting Pike tell him who Gima was. Sad chapter, knowing she's now trapped and Trell thinks she's dead. Has me wondering all kinds of possibilities.
Notes:
He turned back(,) smiled and said he'd think
With the Arena() only a quarter full,- that 1st comma not needed
washing with blood from his (head woundhead), - head wound OR wounded head?
shivers in holding pen() number thirty-three - comma not needed
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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Jacknel really screwed himself my not letting Pike tell him who Gima was. Sad chapter, knowing she's now trapped and Trell thinks she's dead. Has me wondering all kinds of possibilities.
Notes:
He turned back(,) smiled and said he'd think
With the Arena() only a quarter full,- that 1st comma not needed
washing with blood from his (head woundhead), - head wound OR wounded head?
shivers in holding pen() number thirty-three - comma not needed
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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Yep, Jacknel likes to hear himself talk. It's good you are going in many directions, so it's still a bit of a mystery. Thank you for that information in review. Also, the spaggies. :) ellen
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Woah, Ellen. I'm reading this, soon to go to bed. Think I'll take a sleeping pill! Seriously, some unexpected but great action in this post. You're very talented at writing all the different scenarios. I still have an image of a one legged Pike turning in circles through the blood. And then voluntarily sticking his tongue out .... Phew.
Very well done.
Poor Gima. Looking forward to the next post.
"Teleck." - First quotation needs fixing. (Wrong way)
Av
x
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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Woah, Ellen. I'm reading this, soon to go to bed. Think I'll take a sleeping pill! Seriously, some unexpected but great action in this post. You're very talented at writing all the different scenarios. I still have an image of a one legged Pike turning in circles through the blood. And then voluntarily sticking his tongue out .... Phew.
Very well done.
Poor Gima. Looking forward to the next post.
"Teleck." - First quotation needs fixing. (Wrong way)
Av
x
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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The picture is the pattern I saw with the one legged Pike twirling. Av, I'm afraid that the next chapters won't be bedtime stories either. LOL Thank you so much for your fine review. Wonder why Word did the quotation mark backwards? It's corrected. Thank you. I'm just trying to make money to post. Chapter's ready. Actually, several are ready. LOL :) ellen
Comment from linnietwotymez
Oh so violent, but well written as usual. I do have a couple of suggestions if I may. In some of the paragraphs, I was confused on past and present tenses. It was not throughout however, and towards the middle it flowed well.
"Small gray tongues lick in anticipation of their turns at the pools of blood and the savory bugs that trace thin paths around the floor's red lakes.' This was a marvelous description. Jacknel is a very devious person, and I hope that he gets what's coming to him.
Great job!
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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Oh so violent, but well written as usual. I do have a couple of suggestions if I may. In some of the paragraphs, I was confused on past and present tenses. It was not throughout however, and towards the middle it flowed well.
"Small gray tongues lick in anticipation of their turns at the pools of blood and the savory bugs that trace thin paths around the floor's red lakes.' This was a marvelous description. Jacknel is a very devious person, and I hope that he gets what's coming to him.
Great job!
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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It starts out with present tense when Pike comes to the Arena and then we go to past tense to review Jacknel's bad day, then back to present when Jacknel meets with Pike whose been waiting on the Arena Stage. It does transition through the tenses. Present to Past to Present. I hope that I didn't mix any together in one paragraph. Toward the middle is where we are back in the present-- Jacknel's attack on Pike. Thank you for the heads up. I'll go through and check it again. Another pair of eyes is always helpful. I'm glad you're already hating Jacknel. I liked the little gray tongues, too. Cutie pies. LOL
Comment from adewpearl
their cousin's fluttering in - drop the apostrophe
vivid description of character and setting - you really do make this world seem so real
That is one graphic description of Pike's arm being severed
a one-legged body, kicking itself in slippery circles - that is really really good
and then his tongue bit off - this is wonderfully gruesome
Brooke
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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their cousin's fluttering in - drop the apostrophe
vivid description of character and setting - you really do make this world seem so real
That is one graphic description of Pike's arm being severed
a one-legged body, kicking itself in slippery circles - that is really really good
and then his tongue bit off - this is wonderfully gruesome
Brooke
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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Hi Brooke. What do I say to this? Thank you is not nearly enough. You have always been so supportive and helpful with review corrections and suggestions and now your words of 'wonderfully gruesome and vivid descriptions ... make this world seem so real' mean so much as I begin the build to the climatic end of the novel. Thank you so much for a prized six. I don't want to push the 'Save Replies' and see it and adewpearl disappear. Sentimental me. :) ellen
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What an imagination... so unique.. and so intriguing...
Ellen...
Jacknel[] 's Vertant Warrior - close space
clasped behind him, Jacknel turns to Pike and(,) red faced(,) begins. - commas
In one oft ?? of??
Jacknel[] 's face, the - close space
he kicks Pike's with - should this be kicks Pike
lowered expectations of you,[] " - close
Gima's inportance -importance
handkerchief[] , - close
Where as - Whereas
holding pens that reek[s] of - reek of
Jacknel[] 's eye roves - close space
Margaret
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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What an imagination... so unique.. and so intriguing...
Ellen...
Jacknel[] 's Vertant Warrior - close space
clasped behind him, Jacknel turns to Pike and(,) red faced(,) begins. - commas
In one oft ?? of??
Jacknel[] 's face, the - close space
he kicks Pike's with - should this be kicks Pike
lowered expectations of you,[] " - close
Gima's inportance -importance
handkerchief[] , - close
Where as - Whereas
holding pens that reek[s] of - reek of
Jacknel[] 's eye roves - close space
Margaret
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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I'm afraid a lot of the extra spaces came with evil eddie this time. I closed a multitude of them but obviously didn't get them all. You can see how EE consistently put a space in 'Jacknel's.' I hate having it right on Word and then EE adds spaces.
the other stuff is of course my fault. I need an editor. I'm only a poor writer, I guess. LOl Thank you for finding these and I'll go in and fix them. Let's see if EE will let them stay 'fixed.' I have corrected sometimes and press save and it's still not corrected. I'm angry at EE and all the spaces. Not at you for finding them. Poo. Thank you again for the kind comment preceeding the spags, my friend. LOL :) ellen
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The same happens to me continually... M
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It's maddening. I don't see so much of the crazy typography as I used to. Maybe, they are fixing some of it. Sometimes I can't even get logged in. But today all is going well. LOL Hope you are enjoying Spring. We are having our much needed rain before our FL tropics turn to desert. LOL
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Last month was heavenly... now April's brought chill winds and torrential rain with sleet... brrrr.... M
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Ellen. This hellish world you depict here is really where your talents shine the most, my friend. The violence makes sense in the context of the nature of the creatures and their environment/genetics. I would consider this chapter in the category of horror writing. In other words, Stephen King probably would very much have enjoyed this write! The profusion of detailed descriptions really brings this piece to life. Where do you come up with these? Great imagination, I'd say. Poor Gima - I'm dreading finding out what Jacknell does to her.
Superbly written!
Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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Hi, Ellen. This hellish world you depict here is really where your talents shine the most, my friend. The violence makes sense in the context of the nature of the creatures and their environment/genetics. I would consider this chapter in the category of horror writing. In other words, Stephen King probably would very much have enjoyed this write! The profusion of detailed descriptions really brings this piece to life. Where do you come up with these? Great imagination, I'd say. Poor Gima - I'm dreading finding out what Jacknell does to her.
Superbly written!
Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Bev. Maybe I should take it to Stevie. LOL There's a title for ya. 'Take it to Stevie' Good -- the violence is working. I want us to hate Jacknel. He did us a favor by killing Pike, Gima's captor. Gima and Jacknel are next.Thank you again, Bev for such an encouraging review and the gold is beeaaauuutiiful. :) ellen
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Oh, I'm hating Jacknel for sure, baby LOL! You're so very welcome, Ellen. Well deserved. Xxx Bev
Comment from strandregs
What a story , once it gets in, it has a life of it's own
gory gumdrops is what comes to mind.
Where have all the flowers gone?
joking, for someone who likes this kinda stuff it's great.
I'd personally read daffodiles. but it's not about me.
captivating, "enchanting", flows well , had my full attention although I wanted to doze off.Z
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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What a story , once it gets in, it has a life of it's own
gory gumdrops is what comes to mind.
Where have all the flowers gone?
joking, for someone who likes this kinda stuff it's great.
I'd personally read daffodiles. but it's not about me.
captivating, "enchanting", flows well , had my full attention although I wanted to doze off.Z
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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Gory gumdrops? Okay what's the recipe?
The flowers are still in Apple Valley by Whitetail River and Duck Lake. We'll see them again, Z. You're not supposed to like it but prose needs contrast and this is it. Characters to love and hate, to side with and against, the roller coaster of emotions. Thank you, Z. Don't doze off and miss the grand finale. :) e
Comment from cvcopac
Well, quite a switch from the everyday domesticity of upper earth. Rats exclusively--probably eaten too. The commercial atmosphere is good. The spectator in me loves the obscene individual descriptions of the arrogant vermel and the violent scene with Jacknel and Pike. You show us exceptional sensory perception into the violent and exhibitionistic world of these man-animal creatures. No watered down football games here.
I'm curious now as to how Trell will get word that Gina is still alive.
I'm questioning these lines:
"Dragon fodder...Cobra fart, (she) yelled brushing herself off as (he) ran for the exit---)"
"Peering through his Pince-nez (glasses)---" Don't vermel have only one eye?"
"to Pike's entering the arena (though) it's front doors---" Maybe typo?
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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Well, quite a switch from the everyday domesticity of upper earth. Rats exclusively--probably eaten too. The commercial atmosphere is good. The spectator in me loves the obscene individual descriptions of the arrogant vermel and the violent scene with Jacknel and Pike. You show us exceptional sensory perception into the violent and exhibitionistic world of these man-animal creatures. No watered down football games here.
I'm curious now as to how Trell will get word that Gina is still alive.
I'm questioning these lines:
"Dragon fodder...Cobra fart, (she) yelled brushing herself off as (he) ran for the exit---)"
"Peering through his Pince-nez (glasses)---" Don't vermel have only one eye?"
"to Pike's entering the arena (though) it's front doors---" Maybe typo?
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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LOL, cvcopac ... the spectator in you enjoys the scenes. I'm glad you could take a seat. It was a feat to get back to this level. So far so good according to your review. Thank you. I corrected the points you mentioned. Oops --that one eyed thing again and the blonde yelled as Officer Forty-five ran ...
Pike entered the Arena (the name of the building) I'll have to label Jacknel's Arena or Arena Stadium or Jacknel's Stadium.(I think the last one) It does have doors and gates. Then arena would be only the stage area. He uses it for his freak shows and circus performers, too. What do you think?
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I like stadium, Jacknel's stadium, it encompasses more. I would've given this a six but the site wouldn't let me.
I see, the officer is running--something confused me there.