Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Gima: Escape "fantasy adventure
18 total reviews
Comment from Asyraf N. Jamsari
Good job. I would like to hear more from you. Nicely done. Good luck with your days
A lot of efforts and emotions inserted. Good vocabulary and i adore the way you write. Magnificently written
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Good job. I would like to hear more from you. Nicely done. Good luck with your days
A lot of efforts and emotions inserted. Good vocabulary and i adore the way you write. Magnificently written
Comment Written 17-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Thank you for your fine and generous review. This book is only half way through. There is more adventure to be had as we go back to the Valley soon. Good luck to you in your days as well. Thank you so much.:)barking dog
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Ellen. I think I told you before that Fantasy/science fiction. Is not my favorite genre, however, I enjoy your use of imagination, description and dialogue in these chapters whenever I et to read one. You are definitely a very talented writer. Very intelligent writing. Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Hi, Ellen. I think I told you before that Fantasy/science fiction. Is not my favorite genre, however, I enjoy your use of imagination, description and dialogue in these chapters whenever I et to read one. You are definitely a very talented writer. Very intelligent writing. Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 17-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Hello, Bob I always love to hear from you. I don't know how sci-fi 'Gima' is. It's really fantasy adventure but there is no category for that. I know nothing about sci-fi(science in general LOL). There will me more. I have 20K more words to go. This is quite a task for a new writer, but I'm learning so much. Thank you for your encouraging, 'Bravo!' :) ellen
Comment from strandregs
Read through without a hitch, had fun, will they be caught?
Will they jump on a passing hot air balloon?
Does Jeremy Irons iron his pants?
who knows?
Z.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Read through without a hitch, had fun, will they be caught?
Will they jump on a passing hot air balloon?
Does Jeremy Irons iron his pants?
who knows?
Z.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Love your funny review, Z. What's up? How ya been? Sorry, can't help with ironing my waffle isn't done yet.:) BD
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hey BD
This continues to be an engaging story line. Your story line is consistent and totally off the wall believable. I would like to see inside your brain, it must be filled with glorious sights and sounds
Bear
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Hey BD
This continues to be an engaging story line. Your story line is consistent and totally off the wall believable. I would like to see inside your brain, it must be filled with glorious sights and sounds
Bear
Comment Written 16-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Bear. It's good to know that the story line is consistent and believable. My brain on the other hand is not. LOL Have a great weekend! :) BD
Comment from adewpearl
not at passersby as they precede with one guard - proceed
Excellent dialogue
leap/pounce/dissect - excellent high-impact verbs that add to the power of the attack
pissing on the guard after cutting off some of their body parts - this shows so effectively the contempt for the guards as they begin to celebrate their freedom from them Brooke
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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not at passersby as they precede with one guard - proceed
Excellent dialogue
leap/pounce/dissect - excellent high-impact verbs that add to the power of the attack
pissing on the guard after cutting off some of their body parts - this shows so effectively the contempt for the guards as they begin to celebrate their freedom from them Brooke
Comment Written 16-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Brooke for your pointing out the verbs and recognizing the purpose for the acts done to the guards and saying the dialogue is excellent. I'm in there with the spelling error. Have a great weekend!:) ellen
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Ellen,
Have you ever smelled roasting pig? It can smell so delicious and sometimes sickly sweet...liked that verbal visual...
When I come in on a book I like to study the dialog ... Yours is believable and the story line is pretty easy to stay with. You have a wonderfully amazing talent for writing. Great stuff. xoxo deborah
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Hi Ellen,
Have you ever smelled roasting pig? It can smell so delicious and sometimes sickly sweet...liked that verbal visual...
When I come in on a book I like to study the dialog ... Yours is believable and the story line is pretty easy to stay with. You have a wonderfully amazing talent for writing. Great stuff. xoxo deborah
Comment Written 16-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Hi, deborah. Nice to see you this morning. Thank your for your review on 'Escape.' It's good to know that the dialog struck you as believable. Roast pig is delicious. I love pork chops, too. LOL Thank you again for your great comments and generous stars.:) ellen
Comment from Tina55
Ellen, I read some of your reviews and replies before I dove into this post, so I know you feel like something is missing here. I kept that in mind when I read through, trying to see it as you would. There is one part where you might want to work a bit more in, but overall, I think this post rocks.
This is a vibrant, tense, vivid stroll for your escapees. Your dialogue insertions add alot of atmosphere and tension to what the vertants are feeling. I love how you've broken out their thoughts at one point - and revealed them as the harried inner thoughts that they are. It moves the writing at a great pace, Ellen.
The maimed are hitching themselves out Sadie's double-door entrance, down the front steps and lay dying or continue to safety up the street. (This brings the scope of the scene into a neat little sentence. I want to make a comma suggestion, though I wouldn't bet the bank on my accuracy: The mained are hitching themselves out Sadie's double-door entrance, down the steps, and lay dying or continue to safety up the street. [Or, I might suggest the following...] The maimed are hitching themselves out Sadie's double-door entrance and down the front steps, where they lay dying. Some manage to continue to safety up the street.)
Fortunately, the make-shift pigskin pelts armour protects the Vertants from the reaching claws and curious sensory particulates but Vermel anger remains. (Great descriptive piece. I think make-shift pigskin pelts armour should read...make-shift pigskin pelt armour: singular on the pelt. I like how you set this up to seem protective in a hostile environment by mentioning that Vermel anger remains.)
Outside, the smells of oil burning in the street lamps and roast pig replaces the copper and acidic stench of Sadie's. (Great description here, Ellen. Oil burning, roast pig, copper and acidic stench...fantastic wordage!)
And, again, I love how you break out the inner thoughts of the 'captives.' It reminds us that these guys are individuals and trying to act like captives.
I love your little expletives, like weevil-head and dangle-brain. They make your characters come to life.
You keep a dangerous level of tension with your comments from the onlookers, showing their fear of reprisal, at times.
Trell, Picar and Jami leap like cats in the night, their blades drawn. They pounce with airborne magnificence on the sadistic front guard. The first, fatal strikes are to his eye, wide with surprise. Soon he is full of many small holes, as each boy is allowed his revenge. (This is quick and brutal, and efficiently penned. :-))
His face ages with revenge for the brutal murder of his sister, Dyrel. ( I absolutely love 'his face ages with revenge.' That's poetic.)
This is the section that I'm thinking, maybe, could use a little more. Lem is given the chance to mete out revenge on his sister's killer, and you've done a very good job of making it tense and fast and thrilling. I'm wondering if there could be a little more emotion from Lem. As it is now, he goes about the business almost like a robot, apart from the line, "Dyrel. For you, my sister. For you!"
I could be right out to lunch, but that's my thought in this context. Perhaps you don't need to find a martyr in your story, but a glimpse of redemption that would revert a character flaw, or grow Lem in some way, in the midst of this dangerous escape?
As nonchalantly as Petie had arrived, he waddles over, pisses on what's left of the fore-guard, whips his tail in salute and goes on about his solitary evening stroll with one of the guard's toofie bars clutched between his teeth. (Excellent! Onward and upward, Petie!!)
I like the boisterous ending, how they are near insanity with happiness - it's a nice, light note to end on, for I feel another axe about to fall!!
This is a difficult write, Ellen, as is Mine for me. There are days when I hate to think about the work I've put into it, and how I get so close to tears at needing to walk away from it. But I can't. It's an extension of me, as this story is an extension of you. Don't be discouraged with how long the road is, or how convoluted it can be...like you mention in one of your replies, one step at a time. Work on each chapter, each paragraph, each line, and each word as the means to the end of the book! You can, and will do this!
Love ya,
Tina :-)
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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Ellen, I read some of your reviews and replies before I dove into this post, so I know you feel like something is missing here. I kept that in mind when I read through, trying to see it as you would. There is one part where you might want to work a bit more in, but overall, I think this post rocks.
This is a vibrant, tense, vivid stroll for your escapees. Your dialogue insertions add alot of atmosphere and tension to what the vertants are feeling. I love how you've broken out their thoughts at one point - and revealed them as the harried inner thoughts that they are. It moves the writing at a great pace, Ellen.
The maimed are hitching themselves out Sadie's double-door entrance, down the front steps and lay dying or continue to safety up the street. (This brings the scope of the scene into a neat little sentence. I want to make a comma suggestion, though I wouldn't bet the bank on my accuracy: The mained are hitching themselves out Sadie's double-door entrance, down the steps, and lay dying or continue to safety up the street. [Or, I might suggest the following...] The maimed are hitching themselves out Sadie's double-door entrance and down the front steps, where they lay dying. Some manage to continue to safety up the street.)
Fortunately, the make-shift pigskin pelts armour protects the Vertants from the reaching claws and curious sensory particulates but Vermel anger remains. (Great descriptive piece. I think make-shift pigskin pelts armour should read...make-shift pigskin pelt armour: singular on the pelt. I like how you set this up to seem protective in a hostile environment by mentioning that Vermel anger remains.)
Outside, the smells of oil burning in the street lamps and roast pig replaces the copper and acidic stench of Sadie's. (Great description here, Ellen. Oil burning, roast pig, copper and acidic stench...fantastic wordage!)
And, again, I love how you break out the inner thoughts of the 'captives.' It reminds us that these guys are individuals and trying to act like captives.
I love your little expletives, like weevil-head and dangle-brain. They make your characters come to life.
You keep a dangerous level of tension with your comments from the onlookers, showing their fear of reprisal, at times.
Trell, Picar and Jami leap like cats in the night, their blades drawn. They pounce with airborne magnificence on the sadistic front guard. The first, fatal strikes are to his eye, wide with surprise. Soon he is full of many small holes, as each boy is allowed his revenge. (This is quick and brutal, and efficiently penned. :-))
His face ages with revenge for the brutal murder of his sister, Dyrel. ( I absolutely love 'his face ages with revenge.' That's poetic.)
This is the section that I'm thinking, maybe, could use a little more. Lem is given the chance to mete out revenge on his sister's killer, and you've done a very good job of making it tense and fast and thrilling. I'm wondering if there could be a little more emotion from Lem. As it is now, he goes about the business almost like a robot, apart from the line, "Dyrel. For you, my sister. For you!"
I could be right out to lunch, but that's my thought in this context. Perhaps you don't need to find a martyr in your story, but a glimpse of redemption that would revert a character flaw, or grow Lem in some way, in the midst of this dangerous escape?
As nonchalantly as Petie had arrived, he waddles over, pisses on what's left of the fore-guard, whips his tail in salute and goes on about his solitary evening stroll with one of the guard's toofie bars clutched between his teeth. (Excellent! Onward and upward, Petie!!)
I like the boisterous ending, how they are near insanity with happiness - it's a nice, light note to end on, for I feel another axe about to fall!!
This is a difficult write, Ellen, as is Mine for me. There are days when I hate to think about the work I've put into it, and how I get so close to tears at needing to walk away from it. But I can't. It's an extension of me, as this story is an extension of you. Don't be discouraged with how long the road is, or how convoluted it can be...like you mention in one of your replies, one step at a time. Work on each chapter, each paragraph, each line, and each word as the means to the end of the book! You can, and will do this!
Love ya,
Tina :-)
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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I'm glad you went ahead and read the other reviews and what I had asked them. So far, I seem to be the only one needing a sacrifice. And yes, Lem will grow as he is under Trell's wing. And we have a hero in Picar who is scared from the acid and no longer beautiful. I guess I read other writers and they are killing off their characters and think that I should, too. It was time for Petie to add some levity and us to relax and me to set up Lem, Mr. A, Rom and Larue. I had planned to pull them all together as people were complaining, too many characters. Well, it took this many to make a tribe of pelted survivors and their Vermel dissident connections. One reviewer had asked me for a bit of levity but didn't respond to Petie. I thought the little fella was pretty cocky(excuse the pun). I had to go for Bellow City humor and collecting body parts as trophies and penis treats for Petie seemed a good combination of scalp taking and a bit of fun with words by Larue.
I was working on a short story for the 'The room was empty' contest and I think it interfered with this. It was the one that had parts missing. I've cleared that up. So this is fine, too.
I agree, we can't stop as long as they want to tell it. They are so happy that this last chapter is doing so well.
I've got myself in a place now. Sadie is headed for the arena. Larue has Brackus with Rom and Mr.A all heading toward her and I'm ready for a brief waking up in the Valley. Why do I do this to myself. LOL Answer: because it's fun.
Mr. A used to be molest, Trell and vermel boys. He was castrated for it, now he rescues them. He as a character has been redeemed. I briefly mentioned that he had molested Trell and was his Uncle(Trolious had him pardoned with castrated for molesting vermel boys) I'll be adding this as it's not fully spelled out. I'm sure most have forgotten that he molested Trell or is his Uncle.
I'll check out the sentence suggestions. I definitely agree with pelt for pelts. I just added them this morning and never see how they need adjustment until the next day's re-read. They were the something that I felt was missing. LOL
I've read your latest post twice now. I'm diving again.:) ellen
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You know how you have those moments where you're standing in the shower, the ones where you go, "Oh! I forgot to answer Ellen's question about Brian!!" Yeah. I had one of those, so here I am.
Brian has been mentioned a few times, here and there, as someone who has been trying to hook up with Kristen. Most recently, Kristen and Shannon were talking about him while they were walking to the theatre to meet with David. He hasn't had any face time, apart from the restaurant scene where Tavish was spying on Kristen before he killed her mom.
However, the next post has David getting Brian out of the picture, once and for all, and becoming Kristen's knight in shining armour. For good. You'll like it. It moves and shakes and threatens and in the end, Kristen thinks David walks on water.
Hee hee hee
Have a good one!
Tina
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I just realized that I left that left reply about Brian attached to the review I left for you instead of the review you left for me. Sorry!!
:-)
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With all of the corresponding going on it's no surprise to me. LOL
Do you use the word 'left' often. LOL
Comment from Lylise
Ah, my dear. 'Tis a wonderful thing to be drop kicked into this world again. Favorite lines from this chapter.."The rear buffoon answers." And "dangle brain." Dickhead? Funny! How you teased with the drawn out events leading to freedom! I just love this story and now that I am familiar with the characters, I read and absorb every word quicker. I'm just happy as a clam reading about gutted guards. Also loved the rat. Cool graphic. Again, well done. Really. I love this! Oh yeah. Need a period after "...but anger remains"
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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Ah, my dear. 'Tis a wonderful thing to be drop kicked into this world again. Favorite lines from this chapter.."The rear buffoon answers." And "dangle brain." Dickhead? Funny! How you teased with the drawn out events leading to freedom! I just love this story and now that I am familiar with the characters, I read and absorb every word quicker. I'm just happy as a clam reading about gutted guards. Also loved the rat. Cool graphic. Again, well done. Really. I love this! Oh yeah. Need a period after "...but anger remains"
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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I'm glad you liked Petie. You're the first to mention him and he's such a cutie. hee-hee. Thank you for your review and don't be a dangle-brain. You translated perfectly. LOL I'll get that periond ASAP.:) ellen
Comment from kenzi'spoems
wow very well written. the picture to go with it is spooky! Thank you for sharing this with me. I'm honored at the privilege to read it! blessings and hope in the future and now.
Forever and truly,
Kenzi
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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wow very well written. the picture to go with it is spooky! Thank you for sharing this with me. I'm honored at the privilege to read it! blessings and hope in the future and now.
Forever and truly,
Kenzi
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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How nice, Kenzi. I rarely have a poet read my prose. Thank you so much for reviewing and seeing the spooky picture. It is that! Your generous stars are appreciated. :) barking dog
Comment from Carrie Smith
Ellen, you know I have such a hard time wrapping my head around fantasy, but I tried. Read every word! Think the dialogue great and your words let me see the event taking place. Your thoughts certainly takes you to strange places, but that's a good thing, not the same old, same old. Love ya...Susan
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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Ellen, you know I have such a hard time wrapping my head around fantasy, but I tried. Read every word! Think the dialogue great and your words let me see the event taking place. Your thoughts certainly takes you to strange places, but that's a good thing, not the same old, same old. Love ya...Susan
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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Thanks, Susan. I know that it's hard to jump in and out of this story and I thank you for trying and being able to tell me a little of what you felt. It's a big help to know that the dialogue was 'great' and that you could see the event. It helps me know what I may be doing right. I felt like something was missing in this chapter but couldn't put my finger on it. No one has said anything yet. Maybe, I was wrong to feel that way. Your reveiw is very encouraging. Thank you again.:) ellen
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ellen, I really did enjoy reading the chapter, but not having read the others, I had a hard time connecting to the people-who they were, etc. Having said that, I can't give any opinion if there was anything missing or not. You just keep on doing your thing-I'll try to keep up better. xxSusan
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I know, Susan. I was hoping to be to the end of this story but then found out that it had to be longer in order to be a book. So, on I go. I think, because I know how the story ends, I'm losing interest in telling it. LOL I have to try to remember that each scene is a step to the finish and that's where I want to go. I have a thing about finishing something that I start. I just can't quit in the middle. A bit obsessive, I know. :) Thank you for your encouragement. I'm just not motivated today. Maybe, tomorrow.:)
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You obsessive? You don't hold a candle to me,lol, as you must have well learned by now! You'll finish it-just step back and take a small break,lol. xxSusan