The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "The Red Dress chapter eleven"The story of a teenage girl
13 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Oh, I'm never going to last through this tumultuous stor!
Or maybe I will!
At least Cruella's been exposed. :-)
Hmmm, do I detect Bunny Time on the horizon? :-)
I am hopeless at this reviewing, but I'm thoroughly enjoying your story!
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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Oh, I'm never going to last through this tumultuous stor!
Or maybe I will!
At least Cruella's been exposed. :-)
Hmmm, do I detect Bunny Time on the horizon? :-)
I am hopeless at this reviewing, but I'm thoroughly enjoying your story!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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I can assure you, your not hopeless, your absolutely inspiring. Seriously, your marathon read is greatly appreciated. Alexis x
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What a waste if space that
mother is...
It seems that romance is in the air.
inscessent
incessant
before(,) Lisa?"He asked gently. comma and space needed before He
when she's drunk[.](,) she sometimes- change period to comma
services, Child line[,](;) there are - change
I haven(')t even asked -add apostrophe
Margaret
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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What a waste if space that
mother is...
It seems that romance is in the air.
inscessent
incessant
before(,) Lisa?"He asked gently. comma and space needed before He
when she's drunk[.](,) she sometimes- change period to comma
services, Child line[,](;) there are - change
I haven(')t even asked -add apostrophe
Margaret
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much, my friend. Like you, I try to edit time after time, but, in my case, the minute I post a chapter, the spags jump out! I really appreciate the time you took to review, it's greatly appreciated. Alexis x
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Oh so the wicked witch is a nut case....yup got it, totally fruity and loopy.
Great work on this chapter, the Police station and the loopy witch doing her stuff could have caused big problems.
And one's first real kiss.....ah.....damn that was a lonnnng time ago....sigh!
Excellent writing my friend. This is a bit comical with the facial expressions and such at the station which I liked. Broke the ice some.
Great writing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Oh so the wicked witch is a nut case....yup got it, totally fruity and loopy.
Great work on this chapter, the Police station and the loopy witch doing her stuff could have caused big problems.
And one's first real kiss.....ah.....damn that was a lonnnng time ago....sigh!
Excellent writing my friend. This is a bit comical with the facial expressions and such at the station which I liked. Broke the ice some.
Great writing.
Maureen
Comment Written 21-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Yep, should have been put down at birth...but hang on, then I wouldn't have been born, and you and I would never have met! Okay, for today she lives! Love Ya, Alexis x
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
When the woman had first phoned[,] he'd felt very sorry for her
and the items of jewellery she now claimed to have been stolen[] were reaching crown jewel proportions.
The lad's parents' solicitor had phoned and confirmed that he was from a decent local family[. I]n fact[,] Dave knew Alan's father who owned a local BMW garage,
"I know," he replied conspiritually[conspiratorially].
Lisa was so worked up she didn't really acknowledge his reply so[and] stared back at him defensively.
this is my dad[,] Jack Turner, and our solicitor, Lawrence Hunter."
Before they left the reception[,] Jack asked the sergeant if his solicitor would be required,
While Dave went to get another chair[,] Lisa, Alan, and
"I don't know what [I would have happened] if Alan hadn't come in when he did.
"Has this sort of thing happened to you before[,] Lisa?"He asked gently.
Since I turned sixteen last year[,] it hasn't been that bad,
As he listened to her[,] he tried to work out if there was any way he and his wife could help.
"And I've had the delightful experience of speaking to your mother on several occasions[. I]n fact[,] we've had to caution her,
"Is that okay with you[,] Lisa?" he asked.
"I believe you've had a bit of a rough ride[,] Lisa," she said, having introduced herself.
Relieved at such an easy question Lisa reeled it off quickly,
[backit up and connect to above]"17/10/1980."
["]And where were you born?["]
Well, what happens now?
Roberta
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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When the woman had first phoned[,] he'd felt very sorry for her
and the items of jewellery she now claimed to have been stolen[] were reaching crown jewel proportions.
The lad's parents' solicitor had phoned and confirmed that he was from a decent local family[. I]n fact[,] Dave knew Alan's father who owned a local BMW garage,
"I know," he replied conspiritually[conspiratorially].
Lisa was so worked up she didn't really acknowledge his reply so[and] stared back at him defensively.
this is my dad[,] Jack Turner, and our solicitor, Lawrence Hunter."
Before they left the reception[,] Jack asked the sergeant if his solicitor would be required,
While Dave went to get another chair[,] Lisa, Alan, and
"I don't know what [I would have happened] if Alan hadn't come in when he did.
"Has this sort of thing happened to you before[,] Lisa?"He asked gently.
Since I turned sixteen last year[,] it hasn't been that bad,
As he listened to her[,] he tried to work out if there was any way he and his wife could help.
"And I've had the delightful experience of speaking to your mother on several occasions[. I]n fact[,] we've had to caution her,
"Is that okay with you[,] Lisa?" he asked.
"I believe you've had a bit of a rough ride[,] Lisa," she said, having introduced herself.
Relieved at such an easy question Lisa reeled it off quickly,
[backit up and connect to above]"17/10/1980."
["]And where were you born?["]
Well, what happens now?
Roberta
Comment Written 21-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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I'm running, but not quite able to keep up with your wonderfully constructive reviews. Now working backwards! Thank you so much, Alexis x
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That's because I was so far behind. It wouldn't be so bad if I'd been writing,but I was simply reading the series "Song of Ice and Fire" by George R.R. Martin. I simply couldn't put it down, so to speak. I was listening to it on recorded book.
Comment from AlexAX
Wow, you really have kept my attention throughout the whole 11 chapters, as I have just read them all :) Very descriptive and the whole emotional ride has kept me on tenterhooks, wanting Lisa to be free from her mum, to telling Alan how she feels, finally things are looking up. Cannot wait to read the rest! Well done Alexis :)
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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Wow, you really have kept my attention throughout the whole 11 chapters, as I have just read them all :) Very descriptive and the whole emotional ride has kept me on tenterhooks, wanting Lisa to be free from her mum, to telling Alan how she feels, finally things are looking up. Cannot wait to read the rest! Well done Alexis :)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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My thanks again, not only for your lovely review but your precious six. Both are greatly appreciated. I hope to post at least one chapter on Sunday! Alexis x
Comment from Malerie
Well, at last, Lisa and Alan share their feeling. I really like the way you describe their first real kiss; I can totally relate. I'm happy that Alan is no longer a wanted man, at least by the police. He is still definitely a wanted man by Lisa. Thanks for another great chapter; I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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Well, at last, Lisa and Alan share their feeling. I really like the way you describe their first real kiss; I can totally relate. I'm happy that Alan is no longer a wanted man, at least by the police. He is still definitely a wanted man by Lisa. Thanks for another great chapter; I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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Removal men gone, now just a mountain of bags and boxes to sort out in my little flat. Apologies for taking so long to reply! Alexis x
Comment from axelbeariter
had she contacted him!/Go easy on the exclamation points. One is not needed in this instance.----"I don't know what I would have happened if Alan hadn't come in when he did./Delete the second I---- "Has this sort of thing happened to you before Lisa?"He asked gently./Put a space before He----"Yes, quite a lot...'/Put a double quotation mark after the ellipsis----I'm just glad that I'm not a wanted man!"/You don't need a ! here.----With that he took her in his arms and kissed her, fleetingly, as he had in front of the station, and then passionately, as he felt her lips part beneath his. Lisa felt a thousand tiny butterflies rising from the pit of her stomach and trying to fly free, as his lips unleashed a passion inside her she'd never ever felt before. When they at last pulled apart, she felt light-headed and incredibly alive./This is one of your most descriptive passages. Great stuff.----You've outdone yourself on this chapter.----Just remember to go easy on the !s. Submission editors consider them a form of telling, not showing.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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had she contacted him!/Go easy on the exclamation points. One is not needed in this instance.----"I don't know what I would have happened if Alan hadn't come in when he did./Delete the second I---- "Has this sort of thing happened to you before Lisa?"He asked gently./Put a space before He----"Yes, quite a lot...'/Put a double quotation mark after the ellipsis----I'm just glad that I'm not a wanted man!"/You don't need a ! here.----With that he took her in his arms and kissed her, fleetingly, as he had in front of the station, and then passionately, as he felt her lips part beneath his. Lisa felt a thousand tiny butterflies rising from the pit of her stomach and trying to fly free, as his lips unleashed a passion inside her she'd never ever felt before. When they at last pulled apart, she felt light-headed and incredibly alive./This is one of your most descriptive passages. Great stuff.----You've outdone yourself on this chapter.----Just remember to go easy on the !s. Submission editors consider them a form of telling, not showing.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review and stunning six! Apologies for taking so long to thank you but it's been one hell of a week(!) Sorry, I couldn't resist! I promise to add (!) patrol onto my (,) patrol and my 'that' patrol. (Oh I was so tempted to use another one there) %&*$"^ Alexis x
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You're writorially cute today. Axel
Comment from robina1978
I am so pleased this turns out well for Lisa and Alan. The police already realised her mother was mental. And Alan's father feels for her too. So she gets this offer to stay at their place. The complication might turn out to be that they are falling in love though.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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I am so pleased this turns out well for Lisa and Alan. The police already realised her mother was mental. And Alan's father feels for her too. So she gets this offer to stay at their place. The complication might turn out to be that they are falling in love though.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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Spot on, Ine, thank you so much for your review. Back to the packing up!Alexis x
Comment from rwilliam
WONDERFUL chapter. Man this is fun. I can't wait to read more. Please post more soon. LOL I'm really enjoying this so much!
Great work.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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WONDERFUL chapter. Man this is fun. I can't wait to read more. Please post more soon. LOL I'm really enjoying this so much!
Great work.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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So, tonight I spend the last night in my parents holiday home in Dunoon. Have to admit it's a bit strange, thirty years after the event. Now I can write without conscience! Thank you so much for your review. Alexis x
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I'm sure it will drudge up old emotions. Go with it. Write it out. That will make great writing because it's coming from a real place. I'm sorry you had to go through that! Hugs from here. I'm proud of you writing about this. It's healing for you and others, like me, who have suffered very similar things. SO thank you for being raw with your memory's and putting this in a story form! I'm doing the same with my novel! It can be hard but cathartic!
Comment from gramalot8
Alesisleech, you have a very good way with your dialog and interaction between your characters. Too bad that kids learn they have to lie to protect themselves, parents, etc. Good job and good chapter. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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Alesisleech, you have a very good way with your dialog and interaction between your characters. Too bad that kids learn they have to lie to protect themselves, parents, etc. Good job and good chapter. Keep writing.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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Thank you. sadly most is written from memory. Fact turns out to be stranger than fiction!