The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "The red dress Chapter nine"The story of a teenage girl
11 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Ooohhh, finally, a little happiness for our lass. :-)
I like the pacing in this chapter. You could have had them bonking like bunnies, but you didn't. Time for bunny bonking later, if her feelings should go that way.
Nice chapter!
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Ooohhh, finally, a little happiness for our lass. :-)
I like the pacing in this chapter. You could have had them bonking like bunnies, but you didn't. Time for bunny bonking later, if her feelings should go that way.
Nice chapter!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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As you now know, you are spot on! Thank you for this great review. Alexis x
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
After half an hour[,] Alan looked over at Lisa and asked her the question she'd been dreading.
The guilt she felt when she realized escaping her mother wasn't the only relief she was feeling[that subject separation from its verb again] concerned her more than anything.
He would
talk her [a]round, just like everyone else had.
He probably won't want to have anything to do with me[,] anyway. She said it herself before she attacked me.[]"
[]"I don't want to, Alan. I can't face the idea of talking to him just now. Please understand.[]"
When they crossed the border into England an hour later, they both felt easier[,] but Alan was already beginning to feel really tired.
"I really don't think I could manage to drive for much longer[.] I didn't sleep very
well last night and I'm absolutely knackered.[]"
Lisa didn't mind at all[. I]n fact[,] she was almost relieved when he suggested it because the endless hours of silence were beginning to depress her. It was
almost as though[,] if she and Alan discussed what had happened that morning,
"Of course I don't mind[,]" she answered immediately, and
Every time their eyes met[,] Alan looked away and concentrated on pushing his food around his plate.
["]I must get some for Carla.[] I'm sure she would love it."
When they got up to their room[,] Alan dug out his only tee shirt, and after he gave it to Lisa[,] he quickly got undressed while she was in the bathroom getting
Roberta
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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After half an hour[,] Alan looked over at Lisa and asked her the question she'd been dreading.
The guilt she felt when she realized escaping her mother wasn't the only relief she was feeling[that subject separation from its verb again] concerned her more than anything.
He would
talk her [a]round, just like everyone else had.
He probably won't want to have anything to do with me[,] anyway. She said it herself before she attacked me.[]"
[]"I don't want to, Alan. I can't face the idea of talking to him just now. Please understand.[]"
When they crossed the border into England an hour later, they both felt easier[,] but Alan was already beginning to feel really tired.
"I really don't think I could manage to drive for much longer[.] I didn't sleep very
well last night and I'm absolutely knackered.[]"
Lisa didn't mind at all[. I]n fact[,] she was almost relieved when he suggested it because the endless hours of silence were beginning to depress her. It was
almost as though[,] if she and Alan discussed what had happened that morning,
"Of course I don't mind[,]" she answered immediately, and
Every time their eyes met[,] Alan looked away and concentrated on pushing his food around his plate.
["]I must get some for Carla.[] I'm sure she would love it."
When they got up to their room[,] Alan dug out his only tee shirt, and after he gave it to Lisa[,] he quickly got undressed while she was in the bathroom getting
Roberta
Comment Written 20-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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I really do appreciate all the help you're giving me here, Roberta. It all makes perfect sense when I've re edited it after your reviews. I just wish I could be better myself! After I've replied to my reviews, I'm going to spend some time studying the site you suggested. Hopefully I will absorb the information and implement it! Alexis x
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Probably the best thing to do with the wikipedia page oncommas is to print it up. that way, yyou can refer to it when you're writing.
Comment from Malerie
The last line of this chapter is a surprise. I don't know if Lisa as left or if she just got "too" hot sleeping near Alan. I suspect that she is trying to make her way to Nick; another great chapter. I will soon find out; I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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The last line of this chapter is a surprise. I don't know if Lisa as left or if she just got "too" hot sleeping near Alan. I suspect that she is trying to make her way to Nick; another great chapter. I will soon find out; I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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As you now know, Nick is the last thing on Lisa's mind! Thank you so much for your reviews and encouragement. It makes all the hard work worthwhile. Alexis x
Comment from LisaSilva
She left or she fell asleep. No need to answer, I'll find out in the next chapter. I'm glad there is these obstacles to slow things down. It gives time for something real to grow. If they were to satisfy their feelings too soon, it would nip a new love in the bud and stop its fragile growth. Thanks for another great chapter;)
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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She left or she fell asleep. No need to answer, I'll find out in the next chapter. I'm glad there is these obstacles to slow things down. It gives time for something real to grow. If they were to satisfy their feelings too soon, it would nip a new love in the bud and stop its fragile growth. Thanks for another great chapter;)
Comment Written 18-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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I have just posted the next couple of chapters, so all will be revealed. Yes, this relationship needs to grow step by step, as all the best ones do! Thank you so much for your lovely review. Alexis x
Comment from robina1978
Both have ties with someone else. It is what they are thinking about. But once in the one room together Lisa realises that she is still a virgin, not cause of her mother, but as she has not been in love before. And she seems to be heading that way with Alan and viceversa.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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Both have ties with someone else. It is what they are thinking about. But once in the one room together Lisa realises that she is still a virgin, not cause of her mother, but as she has not been in love before. And she seems to be heading that way with Alan and viceversa.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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As usual, you are spot on with your interpretation of the chapter, Ine, thank you so much. Alexis x
Comment from axelbeariter
He must be wondering what the hells going on..."/Use hell's instead of hells----She also realize she had only convinced herself that she could love/Write realized for realize. Actually, make that realised/I use the z----me anyway.She said it herself before she attacked me..."/Put a space before She----could he trust himself?/Nice. Yeah, we men do have a problem with that, so what you wrote is spot on.----He asked, after eventually gaving up on his food and pusing his plate away./pusing should read pushing. In US English, gaving is spelled giving. Is it different across the pond. I can't get over the fact that what I'm typing will reach you shortly, even though you're thousands of miles away. The phone I understand, but typing?----but by then she was gone./Great hook. This is another beauty.----I'm proud of you; nary a !
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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He must be wondering what the hells going on..."/Use hell's instead of hells----She also realize she had only convinced herself that she could love/Write realized for realize. Actually, make that realised/I use the z----me anyway.She said it herself before she attacked me..."/Put a space before She----could he trust himself?/Nice. Yeah, we men do have a problem with that, so what you wrote is spot on.----He asked, after eventually gaving up on his food and pusing his plate away./pusing should read pushing. In US English, gaving is spelled giving. Is it different across the pond. I can't get over the fact that what I'm typing will reach you shortly, even though you're thousands of miles away. The phone I understand, but typing?----but by then she was gone./Great hook. This is another beauty.----I'm proud of you; nary a !
Comment Written 18-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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I so look forward to your reviews! Seriously, you always give me great advice, with a bit of humour thrown in! Thank you, Alexis x
Comment from rwilliam
He asked, after eventually gaving up on his food and pusing his plate away.OOPS 'giving' and 'pushing'.Just a little thing. LOL
He still held her hand, but the grip had relaxed to a gentle curl in his fingers. LOVE THIS!! :-D
When he'd felt her moist lips on his, he'd struggled back from sleep to savour the moment, wanting to take her in his arms... but by then she was gone. -- I LOVE this too!
Great writing and excellent chapter! I'm so eager to read more. HINT HINT!! :-)
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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He asked, after eventually gaving up on his food and pusing his plate away.OOPS 'giving' and 'pushing'.Just a little thing. LOL
He still held her hand, but the grip had relaxed to a gentle curl in his fingers. LOVE THIS!! :-D
When he'd felt her moist lips on his, he'd struggled back from sleep to savour the moment, wanting to take her in his arms... but by then she was gone. -- I LOVE this too!
Great writing and excellent chapter! I'm so eager to read more. HINT HINT!! :-)
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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All that 'gaving' and 'pusing'is enough to put anyone off their food! Thank you so much. Next two chapters posted. Phew!
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Great chapter Alexis I was alternating back and forth from are they .....are they not.....are they.....are they not.
Well you sure know how to create a chapter filled with everything a reader needs to fall into the story. Once again I get to the end and want to scream NO!!
Flowed well, perfect imagery in scene and character depth. Overall a great read and still has the reader hooked.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Edit Check:
"than anything. She also (realize) she had only convinced herself that she could love Nick ....." // realized
" Even although they'd only had a sandwich from the garage when they'd stopped for petrol, neither of them were hungry // I would remove the word "Even" ....it's tripping me up:)
"He usually slept in his boxers and a tee shirt, but that wasn't an option anymore, so to save any embarrassment, he slipped out of his jeans and got into bed before Lisa came out of the bathroom." // If he sleeps in T-Shirt & boxers and that wasn't an option what the heck is he wearing if he removed his jeans?? Confusion here..:)
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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Great chapter Alexis I was alternating back and forth from are they .....are they not.....are they.....are they not.
Well you sure know how to create a chapter filled with everything a reader needs to fall into the story. Once again I get to the end and want to scream NO!!
Flowed well, perfect imagery in scene and character depth. Overall a great read and still has the reader hooked.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Edit Check:
"than anything. She also (realize) she had only convinced herself that she could love Nick ....." // realized
" Even although they'd only had a sandwich from the garage when they'd stopped for petrol, neither of them were hungry // I would remove the word "Even" ....it's tripping me up:)
"He usually slept in his boxers and a tee shirt, but that wasn't an option anymore, so to save any embarrassment, he slipped out of his jeans and got into bed before Lisa came out of the bathroom." // If he sleeps in T-Shirt & boxers and that wasn't an option what the heck is he wearing if he removed his jeans?? Confusion here..:)
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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Oh, I love it...almost makes me feel like a writer! No question about it, leaving cliffhangers is enormous fun, and immensely satisfying! You go to bed feeling such a control freak because only you know what's coming! (do you think I have a problem?)I can't believe how much my writing technique has changed since I first wrote this, or should I say since I joined Fan Story. It takes me hours to edit now, and I still make loads of mistakes! Glad to say 'even' has gone and she now realized (or realised this end of the pond) and I have pointed out that he is only wearing half of his usual nightly attire because Lisa's got the top half. (you had me really worried for a moment there thinking I'd put a buck naked, sex starved man in a bed next to a virgin!) Phew! this writing lark can be dangerous! Thank you, my friend. Alexis x
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. When sleeping with an allegded platonic friend, it is best to let her make the first move.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. When sleeping with an allegded platonic friend, it is best to let her make the first move.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Ah! sounds like advice coming from a man of experience! Thank you so much for your kind review, Charlie. Alexis x
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Just the voice of experience. (LOL) You're welcome.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job
writing this chapter where allan and lisa get a room at a small hotel and she kisses him while he is asleep,
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reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job
writing this chapter where allan and lisa get a room at a small hotel and she kisses him while he is asleep,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Ah...young love, it gets us every time! Thank you for your lovely understanding review. Alexis x