The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The red dress Chapter four"The story of a teenage girl
13 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Alright Alexis, my radar says this guy is STRANGE. He reminds me of the impotent lead characters in some of Alfred Hitchcock's movies. All perfect on the outside, but bad news on the inside. I suppose I'll have to stay tuned!
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Alright Alexis, my radar says this guy is STRANGE. He reminds me of the impotent lead characters in some of Alfred Hitchcock's movies. All perfect on the outside, but bad news on the inside. I suppose I'll have to stay tuned!
Comment Written 14-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Yep you've got it, but he is millionaire, and he's also very good looking. As they say though, money can't buy love (well, it's never bought me!) Thank you so much for review. Alexis x
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
By the time they got to the nightclub[,] he was
From the moment they walked through the door[,] Nick was greeted by everyone he met. It was either with a wave or a simple "how you doing Nick[,]" and Lisa
had her first experience of being with a man who was obviously popular and well known. Each and every time it happened, Nick would make a point of introducing
Lisa in such a way that it almost dictated that the friendship and respect he was being shown[] must be extended to the woman by his side.
Within an hour of arriving[,] Lisa had been bought several drinks which, mixed with the electric atmosphere of the club and the vibrant music, made her feel
incredibly alive. By the time Nick got her up to dance[,] Lisa had lost most of her inhibitions[] and let the heavy beat of the music take over her body. To
Nick[,] the way she moved seemed more erotic than anything he had ever seen before, and when she caught his eye[,] she would give him a lovely smile, which made
him feel as though she was dancing just for him...
The last week of the holiday had flown by, and Lisa couldn't believe how much she'd enjoyed it. The night Nick had taken her and Scott to the nightclub
opening had been the start of a week she would never forget.
He had taken her out every day after that and, with her mother's permission, every evening too. He took her on drives around the Island every day, stopping
off at quaint and romantic spots, and at night he had shown her a life she knew existed, but she had never been allowed to enjoy. For the first time ever,
her mother seemed to be happy about her going out with someone, and Lisa realised how influenced she was by Nick's wealth. The strange thing was, even
though it was patently obvious he was very well off, Lisa wasn't really interested in how much Nick was worth. But his money did seem to be the key to
her freedom, as far as her mother was concerned.
[These two paragraphs cover the week. I don't know what your plans are for the book, but it would be much more interesting to the reader if you could show it instead of just telling. I don't know anything about the Isle of Man, but the good thing about books is that they allow to visit places you've never been. If it's totally unimportant to the book, or you don't know anything about the Isle either so can't rhapsodize about it, and can't come up with the conversations they'd have, then this is a good way to skim over it.]
After dinner[,] Nick took Lisa on a drive out to Douglas Head[,] and when he turned off the ignition[,] he took her hand, his eyes fixed straight ahead.
"I'm sorry[,] Nick...I didn't mean to make light of what you were saying. It's just that we hardly know each other..."
"I know you well enough to know that[,] when you leave tomorrow[,] my life is going to feel unhappy and incredibly empty, Lisa.
For the first time in her life[,] Lisa knew how it felt to be loved,
"I don't know what to say[,] Nick... --- In dialogue, when the speaker uses the name fo the person he's talking to, that name is separated fromt he sentence by commas, before, after, or both, depending on where the name is placed in the sentence.
["]But you don't even know me[,] Nick. I'm only seventeen...I don't know what I want! Don't you understand?["]
Lisa looked like a cornered animal and Nick realised he had done the very thing he had sworn he wouldn't[ - ]come on too strong, too fast.
"Hey[,] gorgeous [,] I'm only checking you out like I do --- You use elipsis all the time, and I think that makes it loose it's impact. An ellipsis is supposed to be used when something is omitted, and you are using it instead of a dash, or even a comma. You might wantto google use fo the ellipsis and see what comes up.
"So that's all I am to you[,] Nick!
Still with a smile on his face[,] Nick ran his finger across Lisa's lips before speaking again.
"I adore you[,] Miss Collins[,] and no, I didn't say the things I said just to get you into bed[,] although I would be delighted if that happened[]!"
"Yes I know[,] Lisa[. Y]ou want your first time to be special. But what you don't seem to understand is that's what I want for you too. That's why I wanted
you to know how I felt about you[. Crazy though it seems, seven days is six days longer than I needed to know that I'll never feel this way about another
woman. I'm in love for the first time in my life[ - ]with you."
'That's just it[,] Nick...I don't want to get away from my
and she knew that was all down[due] to him.
"I'm not saying that I don't want to marry you[,] Nick, but I need more time[. P]lease understand,' she pleaded.
"It's only a week[,] Nick. What could possibly happen?"
A dash is used to show a pause in dialogue, or that the speaker trailed off at the end without finishing what he was saying. If you're going to use the ellipsis instead, you should not use it instead of commas or periods. Overuse dilutes its effect.
Roberta
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2012
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By the time they got to the nightclub[,] he was
From the moment they walked through the door[,] Nick was greeted by everyone he met. It was either with a wave or a simple "how you doing Nick[,]" and Lisa
had her first experience of being with a man who was obviously popular and well known. Each and every time it happened, Nick would make a point of introducing
Lisa in such a way that it almost dictated that the friendship and respect he was being shown[] must be extended to the woman by his side.
Within an hour of arriving[,] Lisa had been bought several drinks which, mixed with the electric atmosphere of the club and the vibrant music, made her feel
incredibly alive. By the time Nick got her up to dance[,] Lisa had lost most of her inhibitions[] and let the heavy beat of the music take over her body. To
Nick[,] the way she moved seemed more erotic than anything he had ever seen before, and when she caught his eye[,] she would give him a lovely smile, which made
him feel as though she was dancing just for him...
The last week of the holiday had flown by, and Lisa couldn't believe how much she'd enjoyed it. The night Nick had taken her and Scott to the nightclub
opening had been the start of a week she would never forget.
He had taken her out every day after that and, with her mother's permission, every evening too. He took her on drives around the Island every day, stopping
off at quaint and romantic spots, and at night he had shown her a life she knew existed, but she had never been allowed to enjoy. For the first time ever,
her mother seemed to be happy about her going out with someone, and Lisa realised how influenced she was by Nick's wealth. The strange thing was, even
though it was patently obvious he was very well off, Lisa wasn't really interested in how much Nick was worth. But his money did seem to be the key to
her freedom, as far as her mother was concerned.
[These two paragraphs cover the week. I don't know what your plans are for the book, but it would be much more interesting to the reader if you could show it instead of just telling. I don't know anything about the Isle of Man, but the good thing about books is that they allow to visit places you've never been. If it's totally unimportant to the book, or you don't know anything about the Isle either so can't rhapsodize about it, and can't come up with the conversations they'd have, then this is a good way to skim over it.]
After dinner[,] Nick took Lisa on a drive out to Douglas Head[,] and when he turned off the ignition[,] he took her hand, his eyes fixed straight ahead.
"I'm sorry[,] Nick...I didn't mean to make light of what you were saying. It's just that we hardly know each other..."
"I know you well enough to know that[,] when you leave tomorrow[,] my life is going to feel unhappy and incredibly empty, Lisa.
For the first time in her life[,] Lisa knew how it felt to be loved,
"I don't know what to say[,] Nick... --- In dialogue, when the speaker uses the name fo the person he's talking to, that name is separated fromt he sentence by commas, before, after, or both, depending on where the name is placed in the sentence.
["]But you don't even know me[,] Nick. I'm only seventeen...I don't know what I want! Don't you understand?["]
Lisa looked like a cornered animal and Nick realised he had done the very thing he had sworn he wouldn't[ - ]come on too strong, too fast.
"Hey[,] gorgeous [,] I'm only checking you out like I do --- You use elipsis all the time, and I think that makes it loose it's impact. An ellipsis is supposed to be used when something is omitted, and you are using it instead of a dash, or even a comma. You might wantto google use fo the ellipsis and see what comes up.
"So that's all I am to you[,] Nick!
Still with a smile on his face[,] Nick ran his finger across Lisa's lips before speaking again.
"I adore you[,] Miss Collins[,] and no, I didn't say the things I said just to get you into bed[,] although I would be delighted if that happened[]!"
"Yes I know[,] Lisa[. Y]ou want your first time to be special. But what you don't seem to understand is that's what I want for you too. That's why I wanted
you to know how I felt about you[. Crazy though it seems, seven days is six days longer than I needed to know that I'll never feel this way about another
woman. I'm in love for the first time in my life[ - ]with you."
'That's just it[,] Nick...I don't want to get away from my
and she knew that was all down[due] to him.
"I'm not saying that I don't want to marry you[,] Nick, but I need more time[. P]lease understand,' she pleaded.
"It's only a week[,] Nick. What could possibly happen?"
A dash is used to show a pause in dialogue, or that the speaker trailed off at the end without finishing what he was saying. If you're going to use the ellipsis instead, you should not use it instead of commas or periods. Overuse dilutes its effect.
Roberta
Comment Written 18-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for this thorough and helpful review, Roberta. I had to move everything out of my parent's house last week, so my apologies for getting so far behind with my replies. Hopefully I have learnt from the above mistakes, and I will check thoroughly for similar in future chapters. Alexis x
Comment from rwilliam
The strange thing was, even although it was patently obvious he was very well off, Lisa wasn't really interested in how much Nick was worth.--Maybe try: The strange thing was, even 'though' it was...
She had always imagined being whisked off her feet by some rich, good-looking guy... but not yet because she had to feel the same. She desperately tried to buy some time.--This doesn't make sense to me BUT it may be the difference in how we speak. It's this part: but not yet because she had to feel the same. I THINK you know what you are trying to say. Is it that she isn't ready to fall in love?
Ohhh, I like how this chapter ended. Off to read more. Good story!!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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The strange thing was, even although it was patently obvious he was very well off, Lisa wasn't really interested in how much Nick was worth.--Maybe try: The strange thing was, even 'though' it was...
She had always imagined being whisked off her feet by some rich, good-looking guy... but not yet because she had to feel the same. She desperately tried to buy some time.--This doesn't make sense to me BUT it may be the difference in how we speak. It's this part: but not yet because she had to feel the same. I THINK you know what you are trying to say. Is it that she isn't ready to fall in love?
Ohhh, I like how this chapter ended. Off to read more. Good story!!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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As usual, you have pointed out the bits I've been concerned about. Your great advice has hopefully helped me get it right. Thank you Alexis x
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
I am much older than Lisa[ well a little, hahaha]and that quick lived intensity would scare me. She doesn't know he has been watching her for sometime. That would probably scare her even more. She has a long way to go in growing up. Great chapter Alexis.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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I am much older than Lisa[ well a little, hahaha]and that quick lived intensity would scare me. She doesn't know he has been watching her for sometime. That would probably scare her even more. She has a long way to go in growing up. Great chapter Alexis.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Ah, but we know! As her author I'll have to look out for her...maybe not! Thank you so much for your great review. Alexis x
Comment from Malerie
Well, you certainly did not disappointment me with this chapter; I'm waiting for the next. I'm trying to form my own conclusion of what will happen. I was not looking for Nick to come on so strong; Lisa's only 17 but sometimes we try to escape and end up in a worse predicament than we were end. "The grass is not always greener." Thanks, I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Well, you certainly did not disappointment me with this chapter; I'm waiting for the next. I'm trying to form my own conclusion of what will happen. I was not looking for Nick to come on so strong; Lisa's only 17 but sometimes we try to escape and end up in a worse predicament than we were end. "The grass is not always greener." Thanks, I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Thank you for your great review. So glad you enjoyed it! Alexis x
Comment from LisaSilva
I'm glad you give the background and list of Characters. I don't know what I would do in her position either. The first time I left my family to run off with a man who promised me the moon, but ended up cheating. The second time, my choice was more realistic and we've been happily married for many years. I would be very tempted by Nick, but at the same time, I could almost feel the knot in my stomach wondering if it would be a real and lasting connection. Thanks and keep writing:)
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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I'm glad you give the background and list of Characters. I don't know what I would do in her position either. The first time I left my family to run off with a man who promised me the moon, but ended up cheating. The second time, my choice was more realistic and we've been happily married for many years. I would be very tempted by Nick, but at the same time, I could almost feel the knot in my stomach wondering if it would be a real and lasting connection. Thanks and keep writing:)
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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That's the wonderful thing about fiction, you can make your men any shape, age or temperament you like. A lot easier than real life! Thank you so much for your lovely, thoughtful review. Alexis x
Comment from robina1978
Of course she does not want him for his money, but it helps her mother's attitude. Now he proposes to her. But she is so young and did want to go to university. Very curious what she will decide.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Of course she does not want him for his money, but it helps her mother's attitude. Now he proposes to her. But she is so young and did want to go to university. Very curious what she will decide.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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It's all about to be revealed...or is it? You know me Ine! Thank you for your lovely review. Alexis x
Comment from axelbeariter
which he now knew she was./That might be a stretch considering how little Nick knew about her when she wasn't on vacation. I'd go with: which he guessed she was.----It was as though her domineering mother/What overt signs to Nick pointed to him that she was domineering?----sworn he wouldn't, come on too strong, too fast./Use a semicolon instead of a comma after wouldn't.----all together, so he managed to smile through his misery and lighten up a little./all together is spelled altogether.----'So that's all I am to you Nick! Just another notch on your belt...Were you just saying all that stuff earlier to try and get me into bed on my last night?!'/Why the single quotation marks?----She was looking at him with a serious expression, the hurt showing clearly in her eyes, that Nick burst out laughing./Re-write in active voice as: She looked at him with a serious expression; the hurt showed clearly in her eyes. Then or At that, Nick burst out laughing.----"What do you think Lisa?"/Drop Lisa. the reader knows who he's addressing.----please understand,'/Change to a double quotation mark.----Another swell chapter with a great hook at the end.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
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which he now knew she was./That might be a stretch considering how little Nick knew about her when she wasn't on vacation. I'd go with: which he guessed she was.----It was as though her domineering mother/What overt signs to Nick pointed to him that she was domineering?----sworn he wouldn't, come on too strong, too fast./Use a semicolon instead of a comma after wouldn't.----all together, so he managed to smile through his misery and lighten up a little./all together is spelled altogether.----'So that's all I am to you Nick! Just another notch on your belt...Were you just saying all that stuff earlier to try and get me into bed on my last night?!'/Why the single quotation marks?----She was looking at him with a serious expression, the hurt showing clearly in her eyes, that Nick burst out laughing./Re-write in active voice as: She looked at him with a serious expression; the hurt showed clearly in her eyes. Then or At that, Nick burst out laughing.----"What do you think Lisa?"/Drop Lisa. the reader knows who he's addressing.----please understand,'/Change to a double quotation mark.----Another swell chapter with a great hook at the end.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much..I think I've sorted most of them (with a few tweaks!) Decided to let her tell him herself that she was still a virgin, her mother is just a mother, because everyone knows what a bitch she is, and Nick is now laughing naturally. Phew! You have no idea how much I appreciate your reviews...only 46 chapters to go, just hope you're up for it! Alexis x
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Well, the bigger question will be can I review your 46 chapters and post my own 43 before I keel over. After all, while I've survived 3 heart attacks and have implanted devices under my skin to match the old six million dollar man of TV fame, I am 75. I never expected to live beyond 20 initially, but I guess the big guy in the sky isn't finished with me yet, since it's been 28 years since my first heart attack. Anyway, I'll try to stay alive until both our books are written and published. Axel
Comment from debskatz
Hi Alexis,
Whoa! This is just getting more interesting by the minute! I'm so looking forward to the next chapter. Post it in a hurry, okay!! lol
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
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Hi Alexis,
Whoa! This is just getting more interesting by the minute! I'm so looking forward to the next chapter. Post it in a hurry, okay!! lol
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 14-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much! Unfortunately they only let you post two a day, but it's maybe just as well, it takes me a day to write and re write a dozen times! Alexis x
Comment from Maureen's Pen
This was brilliant. Wow I want me to be sweeped off my feet....the only way that happens is when I trip over the bloody Hoover...
Great chapter. Your characterizations and conversations were excellent. Felt real, and I felt part of it, as if I was there. Wonderful work. No spags jumped out for me but that is not my strength to begin with.
Loved the chapter started reading it and couldn't stop. I'd be reading this story cover to cover I think.
Hurry up and post the next chapter ....I'm greedy:)
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
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This was brilliant. Wow I want me to be sweeped off my feet....the only way that happens is when I trip over the bloody Hoover...
Great chapter. Your characterizations and conversations were excellent. Felt real, and I felt part of it, as if I was there. Wonderful work. No spags jumped out for me but that is not my strength to begin with.
Loved the chapter started reading it and couldn't stop. I'd be reading this story cover to cover I think.
Hurry up and post the next chapter ....I'm greedy:)
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 14-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
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Okay, I'm going to give in and answer this before my bed explodes in flames and I burn down my children's inheritance. Sigh....