Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Lafferty's Last Ride"A collection of my poems
85 total reviews
Comment from emjaihammond
It's true, it is very long, but it carries the reader along through so many exciting and interesting points in history, that it is well worth the length. I loved the ability with which you brought these lovely rhymes to life. A great writing and I enjoyed reading it. I hate to say so, but I simply can't make up my mind about the end. On the one hand I really love the humor and I get it, which I sometimes don't. LOL But I also feel like it's been completely historical and serious, he's just become certifiable in your poem and then the joke at the end. HM, I'm not sure I'd go with it. Sorry I'm so indecisive.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2013
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It's true, it is very long, but it carries the reader along through so many exciting and interesting points in history, that it is well worth the length. I loved the ability with which you brought these lovely rhymes to life. A great writing and I enjoyed reading it. I hate to say so, but I simply can't make up my mind about the end. On the one hand I really love the humor and I get it, which I sometimes don't. LOL But I also feel like it's been completely historical and serious, he's just become certifiable in your poem and then the joke at the end. HM, I'm not sure I'd go with it. Sorry I'm so indecisive.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2013
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Thanks for the kind words.
Steve
Comment from firdousy
A very fine poem with a fine story
though it is long like history..
But its nothing to with the theme
and style of the poem..because it an epic.
and it bears all the qualities of an epic.
I like this poem very much..
.
Thanks for sharing it.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2013
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A very fine poem with a fine story
though it is long like history..
But its nothing to with the theme
and style of the poem..because it an epic.
and it bears all the qualities of an epic.
I like this poem very much..
.
Thanks for sharing it.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2013
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Thank you!
Steve
Comment from windwhisper
You are a brilliant storyteller and poet extraordinaire! I love the rich historical aspects to this poem which color it with authenticity! Your hero Lafferty is engaging and brave yet also scarred by his violent acts of war; which I`m sure affects most men in an adverse way. When he found joy with Zalika I felt so happy for him! You write so well that I could envision myself watching his battles and rooting for him to win! You wrote an epic poem, I so much enjoyed, and I hope Lafferty enjoyed his last smoke before being transported to see Zalika on the other side! Wonderful writing; what an awesome storyteller you are!!!
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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You are a brilliant storyteller and poet extraordinaire! I love the rich historical aspects to this poem which color it with authenticity! Your hero Lafferty is engaging and brave yet also scarred by his violent acts of war; which I`m sure affects most men in an adverse way. When he found joy with Zalika I felt so happy for him! You write so well that I could envision myself watching his battles and rooting for him to win! You wrote an epic poem, I so much enjoyed, and I hope Lafferty enjoyed his last smoke before being transported to see Zalika on the other side! Wonderful writing; what an awesome storyteller you are!!!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thanks for such an enthusiastic review and the six shiny stars! And for persevering through such a long piece.
There are a few other story poems in my portfolio but this is the only one rooted so deeply in historical fact.
Welcome to FanStory.
Steve
Comment from Carolyn 12
This is so cool. I enjoyed reading it start to finish. Not long at all when it flows well and a fun read. Thank you so much for sharing best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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This is so cool. I enjoyed reading it start to finish. Not long at all when it flows well and a fun read. Thank you so much for sharing best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review - I appreciate it.
Steve
Comment from rama devi
Outstanding accomplishment with this epic poem. WOW. Impressive word smithing and yes, the variations augment the flow and are a good remedy for monotonous meter possibilities. This has an easy-to-read rhythm to it. Some very inventive rhyming, too! Enjoyed the depth of detail and well researched historical accuracy. A superb naarative feat to tell a long story (well, three stories with one protagonist--novel idea) in verse.
Some witty lines augment the entertaining factors!
The mutineers took Delhi, there was slaughter at Cawnpore,
Where the wells were choked with bodies and the Ganges ran with gore.
great innovative rhyming!
In this section, excellent consonance and alliteration on F as well as effective use of repetition:
At Lucknow Lafferty was trapped within the compound wall;
For five long months they waited for the garrison to fall.
Five months of desperation, five months of grim defence,
Five months of valour told to youth a hundred years hence.
Five months of slow starvation, of shrapnel, shells and fear,
Till finally the joyous word, relief was drawing near.
nice diversion from intensity with this gentle interlude:
But for Lafferty, our hero, came a joy he'd never known,
In battle undefeated, but by love quite overthrown.
Zalika was the gentle maid who stole a soldier's heart;
As the siege grew ever stronger, they swore they'd never part.
Inside his chest a dove of peace grew wings to freely soar,
As Lafferty the warrior vowed he would fight no more.
And they sprinkled lotus blossoms in the waters of the Nile;
As their love is consummated, let us turn aside a while.
Then the dramatic sudden loss is so eloquently conveyed-
But as storms will follow sunshine and sadness follows mirth,
His heart was rent in two. Zalika died while giving birth.
Our hero cursed remorseless fate and shook his fist at God,
Then he set out on a journey only desperate men have trod.
Across the vast Sahara ever t'ward the setting sun,
He rode, to leave the world behind, the world he meant to shun.
(THAT SECTION IS MY FAVORITE PART)
This part is memorable with it's wit and violence combined as well as the finely nuanced imagery and phrasing-
As the desert stars shone fiercely in the velvet desert sky,
Lafferty woke again from sleep with a sudden, savage cry.
The relentless voice was counting, like pebbles dropped on stone;
Who could it be that sing-song voice, that eerie dreadful drone?
In a flash the answer struck him, the camels were to blame;
As he gunned them down he shouted, "That should stop your little game!"
Then the gunfire echoes faded, while he stood there mute and shocked,
By the night sky's vastness taunted, by the silent sand-dunes mocked.
I enjoyed the levity of closing as well.
I will be very surprised if this does not place high in the contest.
Kudos and bravo.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2011
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Outstanding accomplishment with this epic poem. WOW. Impressive word smithing and yes, the variations augment the flow and are a good remedy for monotonous meter possibilities. This has an easy-to-read rhythm to it. Some very inventive rhyming, too! Enjoyed the depth of detail and well researched historical accuracy. A superb naarative feat to tell a long story (well, three stories with one protagonist--novel idea) in verse.
Some witty lines augment the entertaining factors!
The mutineers took Delhi, there was slaughter at Cawnpore,
Where the wells were choked with bodies and the Ganges ran with gore.
great innovative rhyming!
In this section, excellent consonance and alliteration on F as well as effective use of repetition:
At Lucknow Lafferty was trapped within the compound wall;
For five long months they waited for the garrison to fall.
Five months of desperation, five months of grim defence,
Five months of valour told to youth a hundred years hence.
Five months of slow starvation, of shrapnel, shells and fear,
Till finally the joyous word, relief was drawing near.
nice diversion from intensity with this gentle interlude:
But for Lafferty, our hero, came a joy he'd never known,
In battle undefeated, but by love quite overthrown.
Zalika was the gentle maid who stole a soldier's heart;
As the siege grew ever stronger, they swore they'd never part.
Inside his chest a dove of peace grew wings to freely soar,
As Lafferty the warrior vowed he would fight no more.
And they sprinkled lotus blossoms in the waters of the Nile;
As their love is consummated, let us turn aside a while.
Then the dramatic sudden loss is so eloquently conveyed-
But as storms will follow sunshine and sadness follows mirth,
His heart was rent in two. Zalika died while giving birth.
Our hero cursed remorseless fate and shook his fist at God,
Then he set out on a journey only desperate men have trod.
Across the vast Sahara ever t'ward the setting sun,
He rode, to leave the world behind, the world he meant to shun.
(THAT SECTION IS MY FAVORITE PART)
This part is memorable with it's wit and violence combined as well as the finely nuanced imagery and phrasing-
As the desert stars shone fiercely in the velvet desert sky,
Lafferty woke again from sleep with a sudden, savage cry.
The relentless voice was counting, like pebbles dropped on stone;
Who could it be that sing-song voice, that eerie dreadful drone?
In a flash the answer struck him, the camels were to blame;
As he gunned them down he shouted, "That should stop your little game!"
Then the gunfire echoes faded, while he stood there mute and shocked,
By the night sky's vastness taunted, by the silent sand-dunes mocked.
I enjoyed the levity of closing as well.
I will be very surprised if this does not place high in the contest.
Kudos and bravo.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2011
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Thanks, Rama - I am very glad to get your opinion of the piece, As you can imagine, some time and effort went into it and I was worried I might have destroyed it with the joke ending - the joke was actually my starting point and I set out to simply versify it - then I spied the story contest and decided to give it a shake and before I knew it the poem grew to be bigger than Ben Hur and the rather feeble joke seemed inappropriate.....
Anyway, thanks for doing your normal thorough job of reviewing - as usual I have managed to include devices like assonance and alliteration without actually being aware of it, so it is good to have someone point them out.
The poem has been very well received despite the length, but I'm never overly confident about these contests - happy to wait and see, knowing I've given it my best shot.
Thanks again for the time.
Steve
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Thanks for your wonderful reply, Steve. I do sometimes wonder about the taste of the judges as the winning entries are not always the highest caliber writing. but I think your might wow them with all the work (and detail) that went into it! Blows mine out of the park!
best wishes- rd
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My aircraft carrier might knock out your destroyer, but we'd bot better watch out for submarines...
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LOL
Comment from Auroraboreal800
I ENJOYED READING THIS WONDERFUL EPIC POEM. YES, IT'S LONG, BUT SO INTERESTING AND SO WELL WRITTEN. VERY COLORFUL IN MANY ASPECT.
WELL DONE!!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2011
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I ENJOYED READING THIS WONDERFUL EPIC POEM. YES, IT'S LONG, BUT SO INTERESTING AND SO WELL WRITTEN. VERY COLORFUL IN MANY ASPECT.
WELL DONE!!
Comment Written 07-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2011
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review my lengthy piece. I am glad you found the story interesting.
Steve
Comment from nancyjam
Wonderful epic poem. You brought
the history of these battles alive to one
not familiar with them.
I love the hero's exploits as you describe
them and the ironic twist at the end.
Well done.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Wonderful epic poem. You brought
the history of these battles alive to one
not familiar with them.
I love the hero's exploits as you describe
them and the ironic twist at the end.
Well done.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thanks, Nancy. I am glad you enjoyed my hero's battles and tribulations.
Steve
Comment from Ekim777
It is indeed an epic consummately brought to our attention. You cover a lot of history with great accuracy, history I used to love back at school in the bushveld of Zimbabwe. My area or the garden of my youth stretched from the Limpopo River to the Zambesi, Livingstone's domain. My home was in Matebelie land which had been invaded by an off shoot of the Zulus. We had our own wars similar to what you write about with such loving care. I lived outside the city limits of Bulawayo or the Place of the Killing where white settlers were murdered. Oh my God, this is supposed to be a literary review. To my ears, Your style can be likened to that of Kipling and your epic tale could have been penned by the ancient wandering historians roaming from battlefield to battlefield recording exaggerated accounts of the bloody events. I'm thinking of erudite folks like Herodotus and Josephus. Wonderful stuff. Even the Old Testament comes close. In all due modesty I would like to draw your attention to my little saga; "When Warfare Came to Caprivi" the war we never talk about. It can be found in my portfolio. Ekim777
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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It is indeed an epic consummately brought to our attention. You cover a lot of history with great accuracy, history I used to love back at school in the bushveld of Zimbabwe. My area or the garden of my youth stretched from the Limpopo River to the Zambesi, Livingstone's domain. My home was in Matebelie land which had been invaded by an off shoot of the Zulus. We had our own wars similar to what you write about with such loving care. I lived outside the city limits of Bulawayo or the Place of the Killing where white settlers were murdered. Oh my God, this is supposed to be a literary review. To my ears, Your style can be likened to that of Kipling and your epic tale could have been penned by the ancient wandering historians roaming from battlefield to battlefield recording exaggerated accounts of the bloody events. I'm thinking of erudite folks like Herodotus and Josephus. Wonderful stuff. Even the Old Testament comes close. In all due modesty I would like to draw your attention to my little saga; "When Warfare Came to Caprivi" the war we never talk about. It can be found in my portfolio. Ekim777
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your rambling review - my poem has stirred a few memories apparently, including one reviewer whose grandfather died with Gordon. I can also make my own connections - just down the road from here is Mt Bartle Frere, the tallest mountain in Queensland, although just a pimple, really) I never knew who he was before...
High praise indeed - Kipling and the Old Testament....
Since we're checking out portfolios, I should mention that I actually have a 'Brief History of the Old Testament' in mine! I shall certainly look at your Caprivi story.
Thanks again for the generous review.
Steve
Comment from missy98writer
kiwisteven,
Your story poem is extremely well written with vivid imagery painting a picture in the readers head. The art work is interesting you used. Splendid alliteration usage and excellent rhyme, great metaphor usage in your story poem. Your rhythm and descriptive writing are very good in your poem that tells a story. I especially enjoyed the lines: "As a storm tide spends its fury, crashing on a rocky shore, So the Zulu onslaught weakened, and the fighting raged no more. Before the sullen sunrise cast its beams upon the dead, The savage hordes had vanished, taken to their heels and fled, And the battered British heroes, in wonderment and awe, Could scarce believe the carnage and the slaughter that they saw. Now their names live on in legend, and their valour is a gift To those who praise the men who fought, defending Rorke's Drift." I immensely enjoyed your war and history poem that's creatively written. I commend you on the time it took you to write this poem. I'd recommend you thought pondering poem to other reviewers. I wish you good luck in the Share A Story In A Poem contest. I think your poem may win the contest. Keep on writing with excellence and have a blessed day.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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kiwisteven,
Your story poem is extremely well written with vivid imagery painting a picture in the readers head. The art work is interesting you used. Splendid alliteration usage and excellent rhyme, great metaphor usage in your story poem. Your rhythm and descriptive writing are very good in your poem that tells a story. I especially enjoyed the lines: "As a storm tide spends its fury, crashing on a rocky shore, So the Zulu onslaught weakened, and the fighting raged no more. Before the sullen sunrise cast its beams upon the dead, The savage hordes had vanished, taken to their heels and fled, And the battered British heroes, in wonderment and awe, Could scarce believe the carnage and the slaughter that they saw. Now their names live on in legend, and their valour is a gift To those who praise the men who fought, defending Rorke's Drift." I immensely enjoyed your war and history poem that's creatively written. I commend you on the time it took you to write this poem. I'd recommend you thought pondering poem to other reviewers. I wish you good luck in the Share A Story In A Poem contest. I think your poem may win the contest. Keep on writing with excellence and have a blessed day.
Melissa.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thanks, Melissa, for the great review. I appreciate your time taken to read my lengthy piece.
Steve
Comment from ScarletClearwater
I'm usually not into war poems or history pieces, but this was a really fun read. It was like a bed time story. The hero is depicted wonderfully and the flow and rhyme were impeccible. Great job!
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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I'm usually not into war poems or history pieces, but this was a really fun read. It was like a bed time story. The hero is depicted wonderfully and the flow and rhyme were impeccible. Great job!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review - I appreciate it.
Steve