Keith & Brianna
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Mother's Tizzy"Blossoming romance
3 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hello, sunnilicious. You have a good chapter here. It holds interest and is generally constructed well. I do have a few suggestions however, if you don't mind:
"And the phone began to ring. She answered, "Hello. Harley Residence." (Try not to say something began to happen...like Phone ringing and rain for instance. It is considered "passive writing" Perhaps this: "The phone rang and she answered."
Also here: "Pania started crying," Try "Paula cried>" (Can you see how much stronger that sounds when you read it?)
"me that called," commented Carl." "commented Carl is called a "tag" It is always best to simply use "he said , she said" in 99 percent of cases. I would do that throughout this story, were I you. I realize it sometimes seems monotonous...but It has proven to work best through the ages.)
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2011
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Hello, sunnilicious. You have a good chapter here. It holds interest and is generally constructed well. I do have a few suggestions however, if you don't mind:
"And the phone began to ring. She answered, "Hello. Harley Residence." (Try not to say something began to happen...like Phone ringing and rain for instance. It is considered "passive writing" Perhaps this: "The phone rang and she answered."
Also here: "Pania started crying," Try "Paula cried>" (Can you see how much stronger that sounds when you read it?)
"me that called," commented Carl." "commented Carl is called a "tag" It is always best to simply use "he said , she said" in 99 percent of cases. I would do that throughout this story, were I you. I realize it sometimes seems monotonous...but It has proven to work best through the ages.)
Comment Written 07-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2011
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Thanks. :)
Comment from smudge
A couple of small errors, "TO FILL THE TANK" maybe "Is he really a good kid to our daughter." The characters are developing Carl is reacting to information about Keith.
Keith's character behaves how we would like to behave but Pania behaves how we are usually forced to behave.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2011
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A couple of small errors, "TO FILL THE TANK" maybe "Is he really a good kid to our daughter." The characters are developing Carl is reacting to information about Keith.
Keith's character behaves how we would like to behave but Pania behaves how we are usually forced to behave.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2011
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Thanks for the editing. You're nice!
Comment from A.R. Primavera
I like it so far. I'm gonna have to read more. It kept me interested and I thank you for sharing it with us. Looking forward to seeing what's next.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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I like it so far. I'm gonna have to read more. It kept me interested and I thank you for sharing it with us. Looking forward to seeing what's next.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2011
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You're nice. Thanks.
Have a great weekend too!