Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Who's Smiling Now?"A collection of my poems
21 total reviews
Comment from RavensWord
Like the other poem this is just great. As your reader I could picture her on the phone, hand on her hip, not taking a breath while telling him exactly what she feels.
I don't have a favorite for an end. I like them both and think you have an opening for another one. Maybe the dog walks out on both of them.:-)
Good job!
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2011
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Like the other poem this is just great. As your reader I could picture her on the phone, hand on her hip, not taking a breath while telling him exactly what she feels.
I don't have a favorite for an end. I like them both and think you have an opening for another one. Maybe the dog walks out on both of them.:-)
Good job!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2011
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Thank you - I enjoyed this ending and so did others who felt it showed her sticking up for herself rather than enabling him, but the rest of the poem is so deadly serious I didn't think I could really use this. A copuple of people have pointed out that he only swears to give up the booze and the gambling but not the womanising!
Maybe you're right and the dog deserves center stage!
Steve
Comment from Melspoems
Brilliant!
I liked the other ending because it was a happy ending and he got another chance.
But this ending is zoo funny, sad for the guy but very funny to read.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2011
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Brilliant!
I liked the other ending because it was a happy ending and he got another chance.
But this ending is zoo funny, sad for the guy but very funny to read.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2011
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Thank you so much - I have read this to a few people and this ending always gets a great reaction....
Comment from Janie King
Well, that could have gone this but it pretty much ebds the story for me because I'm prone to like the postive side a downer situation I kind of avoid. There's enough of those in life. This is as well-written as the other ending, it's just the negative side. God bless.
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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Well, that could have gone this but it pretty much ebds the story for me because I'm prone to like the postive side a downer situation I kind of avoid. There's enough of those in life. This is as well-written as the other ending, it's just the negative side. God bless.
Comment Written 30-May-2011
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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Yes,it's negative (for him) but it's also funny so not meant to be taken too seriously...
Thanks for reviewing.
Comment from Bellringer
Your poem is very original and contains dark humor. The rhyme scheme is very good and flows nicely. Both the husband and the wife have serious issues and together they make for a bad mix. Maybe in another installment, the readers can find out what happens to the now (and maybe improved) single guy. Regards, Hector
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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Your poem is very original and contains dark humor. The rhyme scheme is very good and flows nicely. Both the husband and the wife have serious issues and together they make for a bad mix. Maybe in another installment, the readers can find out what happens to the now (and maybe improved) single guy. Regards, Hector
Comment Written 30-May-2011
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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Thanks, hector.
This was really just a bit of fun, to twist the tail of my previous poem and, as you say, it's come out a little dark rather than the morally uplifting earlier version.
Cheers
Steve
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You're welcome, Steve. Regards, Hector
Comment from LadyCosgrove
I laughed til I cried - What a fabulous antithesis!
Yes I did like the other but this is priceless.
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reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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I laughed til I cried - What a fabulous antithesis!
Yes I did like the other but this is priceless.
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Comment Written 30-May-2011
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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I see I'm getting reviews in pairs now, which is great. The comments are running about 50/50 for each ending - I'm glad I don't actually have to decide! Adewpearl has suggested a competition where you have to write two contrasting endings - sounds like fun!
Thanks for reviewing.
Steve
Comment from WilliamDeen
LOL... this is hilarious!!! I love it!!! Sounds like lots of my friends who got a divorce!!! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it, Pamela
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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LOL... this is hilarious!!! I love it!!! Sounds like lots of my friends who got a divorce!!! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it, Pamela
Comment Written 30-May-2011
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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I see I'm getting reviews in pairs now, which is great. The comments are running about 50/50 for each ending - I'm glad I don't actually have to decide! Adewpearl has suggested a competition where you have to write two contrasting endings - sounds like fun!
Thanks for reviewing.
Steve
Comment from Piggies Grandma
This is cleverly written and very well done but I like the other ending much better. This is well thought out and may be more likely but I feel sorry for him.
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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This is cleverly written and very well done but I like the other ending much better. This is well thought out and may be more likely but I feel sorry for him.
Comment Written 30-May-2011
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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I'm running about 50/50 on those preferring each ending! You feel sorry for him - what if he goes back and then starts cheating again....?Check out this
Comment from sweetthanesue
great rhyming and rhythm and a very funny and interesting little story in a poem.... flows well....
really enjoyed this read a little different.
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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great rhyming and rhythm and a very funny and interesting little story in a poem.... flows well....
really enjoyed this read a little different.
Comment Written 30-May-2011
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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Thank you! I hope you read the first poem to get an idea how the two endings diverge.
Steve
Comment from adewpearl
Oh, you know I loved the first version and it really did make me cry, but for as uplifting as that one was, this one is equally funny. This is just hilarious. You should sponsor a contest where people have to provide alternate endings - what a great idea. An ending for each mood. LOL Brooke
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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Oh, you know I loved the first version and it really did make me cry, but for as uplifting as that one was, this one is equally funny. This is just hilarious. You should sponsor a contest where people have to provide alternate endings - what a great idea. An ending for each mood. LOL Brooke
Comment Written 30-May-2011
reply by the author on 30-May-2011
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I've read this to a few people and this ending always gets a 'snort' and a guffaw.
What a great idea about the contest - I must give it a go.
Thanks for the comments.
Steve
Comment from jackpeg
You know, Steve, the worse life treats us, the more lively and interesting the poetry can be written about it. I like the original ending the best, but this scans just great. I posted a poem sometime back with something of the same ghostly theme. It's called "Abednego's Ghost." Same heptameter rhythm, which, I'm sure you know, is best for story telling.
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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You know, Steve, the worse life treats us, the more lively and interesting the poetry can be written about it. I like the original ending the best, but this scans just great. I posted a poem sometime back with something of the same ghostly theme. It's called "Abednego's Ghost." Same heptameter rhythm, which, I'm sure you know, is best for story telling.
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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I remembered your Ghost poem and I've just been taking a second look - exciting Poetry Society meetings you have in Caliornia!!