Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "So where are they?"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
20 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
Hope things are going well for you! I'm still waiting for things to wind down a bit here. It's been hectic these days!
Good chapter! My only comment on the dialogue was the 'wet my panties' thing. I'm not sure she would say that. maybe 'wet my undies'? 'Panties' seems a bit old fashioned to me, but your call. I don't have anything to back me up on that score.
Poor Amy! I hope the table scraps helped!!!! :)
A few things to check out:
He began to back away even before he heard his radio squawk (kick the 'he heard', I think, Gayle. Just say: 'even before his radio squawked...')
Ella stared at her twin, eyes wide. "So, go(+ ,)girl!
stroked the sleek black head and planted a kiss on the ebony forehead. ('black' and then 'ebony'. Both refer to the head, right? Consider kicking one.)
She raised her muzzle and made (')woo-woo(')(?) sounds
on the table. Face straight as a poker, he glanced at Jim. "Are they still on the floor or are they joining you at the table." (<--need question mark here.)
Jim and Ella about hand feeding (consider a dash b/w 'hand' and 'feeding') the dogs. They'd finally compromised, confining people food to plates rather than hand feeding, and Al no longer threw steak
they wagged their tails every time they saw Al, (consider a dash here instead of a comma) not exactly a guard dog trait.
"That's not a good thing. We have plans to make and a full day tomorrow." (Who says this?)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
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reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Hope things are going well for you! I'm still waiting for things to wind down a bit here. It's been hectic these days!
Good chapter! My only comment on the dialogue was the 'wet my panties' thing. I'm not sure she would say that. maybe 'wet my undies'? 'Panties' seems a bit old fashioned to me, but your call. I don't have anything to back me up on that score.
Poor Amy! I hope the table scraps helped!!!! :)
A few things to check out:
He began to back away even before he heard his radio squawk (kick the 'he heard', I think, Gayle. Just say: 'even before his radio squawked...')
Ella stared at her twin, eyes wide. "So, go(+ ,)girl!
stroked the sleek black head and planted a kiss on the ebony forehead. ('black' and then 'ebony'. Both refer to the head, right? Consider kicking one.)
She raised her muzzle and made (')woo-woo(')(?) sounds
on the table. Face straight as a poker, he glanced at Jim. "Are they still on the floor or are they joining you at the table." (<--need question mark here.)
Jim and Ella about hand feeding (consider a dash b/w 'hand' and 'feeding') the dogs. They'd finally compromised, confining people food to plates rather than hand feeding, and Al no longer threw steak
they wagged their tails every time they saw Al, (consider a dash here instead of a comma) not exactly a guard dog trait.
"That's not a good thing. We have plans to make and a full day tomorrow." (Who says this?)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Hey You! So they let you out of the barn, huh? I know how busy you are right now, so I'm double appreciative of your review.
Well, knowing Terry, you're right. She probably said 'drawers' which I like better! :}
Will get on those other edits and make fix.
When you get a minute, catch me up on the horse show world! I'm having withdrawls.
Huggers,
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Solid close to the big chase and frights in Compton, Countess! Well done, I like the interaction at the restaurant and the retelling of events for each other. I was a tad confused about how th eboys knew who/what ws in the warehouse with just one entrance that was tightly locked.
I have a few suggestions:
Lights flashing as well, - drop the 'as well', don't really need it
carefully avoiding - carefully is superfluous
Ella stroked the sleek black head and planted a kiss on the ebony forehead. - see if you can avoid head/forehead: Ella stroked the sleek black dog, and then leaned over and kissed the ebony forehead.
Amy proceeded to recite a litany of woes. - while a charming phrase, this is 'telling' and it puts us in the dog's POV!
car and called out to Jim. - car. "Jim, you still there?" - use the dialogue
relieved to hear his voice.
- relieved to hear his voice when he asnwered after several rings.
The electric sign for ELLA'S SUPPER CLUB went off just as Terry pulled into the lot. - make this more vivid:
The bold yellow and red sign for Ella's Supper Club blinked off just as...
read their expressions with easy familiarity and made up a batch of martinis - now we're in Al's head - Al watched them walk into the bar and flashed a familiar grin. He picked up a stainless steel tumbler and filled it with ice, vermouth and gin followed.
glass aloft to Al. "They were after your car." - made it seem like she was talking about Al's car?
any more prime - delete more
Ella shrugged and popped a bite of steak into her mouth - when did Al deliver the prime rib?
Terry pushed her empty plate away. - man, she's a fast eater! A few paragraphs ago they had salads, then the mystery steaks appeared and now she's done? LOL
pushed his place - plate?
feet(, and) then at Terry
Whew, moving right along. I'll keep trying to read now and then and maybe someday catch up!
Great chapter, Gayle!
Dawn
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Solid close to the big chase and frights in Compton, Countess! Well done, I like the interaction at the restaurant and the retelling of events for each other. I was a tad confused about how th eboys knew who/what ws in the warehouse with just one entrance that was tightly locked.
I have a few suggestions:
Lights flashing as well, - drop the 'as well', don't really need it
carefully avoiding - carefully is superfluous
Ella stroked the sleek black head and planted a kiss on the ebony forehead. - see if you can avoid head/forehead: Ella stroked the sleek black dog, and then leaned over and kissed the ebony forehead.
Amy proceeded to recite a litany of woes. - while a charming phrase, this is 'telling' and it puts us in the dog's POV!
car and called out to Jim. - car. "Jim, you still there?" - use the dialogue
relieved to hear his voice.
- relieved to hear his voice when he asnwered after several rings.
The electric sign for ELLA'S SUPPER CLUB went off just as Terry pulled into the lot. - make this more vivid:
The bold yellow and red sign for Ella's Supper Club blinked off just as...
read their expressions with easy familiarity and made up a batch of martinis - now we're in Al's head - Al watched them walk into the bar and flashed a familiar grin. He picked up a stainless steel tumbler and filled it with ice, vermouth and gin followed.
glass aloft to Al. "They were after your car." - made it seem like she was talking about Al's car?
any more prime - delete more
Ella shrugged and popped a bite of steak into her mouth - when did Al deliver the prime rib?
Terry pushed her empty plate away. - man, she's a fast eater! A few paragraphs ago they had salads, then the mystery steaks appeared and now she's done? LOL
pushed his place - plate?
feet(, and) then at Terry
Whew, moving right along. I'll keep trying to read now and then and maybe someday catch up!
Great chapter, Gayle!
Dawn
Comment Written 20-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Hey Duch,
Sometimes I get too wordy and those ly adverbs are a pain. I'm spending hours in the editing cave trying to get this ready to go.
Thank you so much and will check into your ideas.
Now, about Amy's pov. She had a litany of woes! Ah, poor girl. But I know what you mean...will adjust.
Loved your comment about the sign, too. Excellent review, m'dear and I'm thrilled to be the happy reciepient!
Huggers,
Gayle
Comment from sharon fallis
Something has to come up so they know those guys led them on a wild chase from that cabin. Good writing, gal. I can't wait to get to the next chapter. Sharon
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Something has to come up so they know those guys led them on a wild chase from that cabin. Good writing, gal. I can't wait to get to the next chapter. Sharon
Comment Written 09-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Smiling all over my face, dear Sharon. You are a trooper, I'm sayin!
Thanks so much!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
Poor Amy got the worst of it all. The twins were great. They reacted very well . I liked the scene with the cop. But the number one question is WHERE ARE THEY? Did they take Andy to an underground lab or something? Lets see what happens in the next chapter.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2008
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Poor Amy got the worst of it all. The twins were great. They reacted very well . I liked the scene with the cop. But the number one question is WHERE ARE THEY? Did they take Andy to an underground lab or something? Lets see what happens in the next chapter.
Sylvia
Comment Written 05-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2008
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I know, Sylvia, and I felt so sorry for her. But, she'll get her chance to work it out! Only wish she could meet up with those gangbangers just one more time.
Thanks so much for your support and the fine comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
Glad the cops let them go and told them not to come back. Wonder if they will work out about Andy being walked through the woods. On to the next posting.
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2008
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Glad the cops let them go and told them not to come back. Wonder if they will work out about Andy being walked through the woods. On to the next posting.
Love and blessings
Comment Written 03-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2008
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Metcha Ladies!
Yes, that cop had better fish to fry! Oh, I think Cricket's gonna help with that. Just gonna take another chapter or two!
Hugs and big thanks for the support and love,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
Nice to have a safe haven, isn't it?
Even if only to stuff their faces.
The dogs settled in nicely, though.
So now, the search begins anew.,
Will the creeps try the ransom bit agian,. Doesn't seem likely., They have both of the people and the one they wanted, so ... ?
Wayne
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Lady Gayle,
Nice to have a safe haven, isn't it?
Even if only to stuff their faces.
The dogs settled in nicely, though.
So now, the search begins anew.,
Will the creeps try the ransom bit agian,. Doesn't seem likely., They have both of the people and the one they wanted, so ... ?
Wayne
Comment Written 03-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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We're off, Wayne,
The dynamic double duo will be off to solve the case. Thanks so much for the great comments!
Big hugs,
Gayle
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Play on!
Comment from davidray
You know what your problem is Gayle? YOu're turning up your editing too much, leaving me very little in the way of nibbling away at your work.
Two thumbs up. Looking and reading quite nice. A few cases of wordines shere and there, but what the heck? Overall, a very enjoyable piece to relax with.
One thing, not even maybe worthy mentioning:
-She rubbed her forearms in emphasis and shivered for good measure. (the 'in emphasis' is telling here.Okay sometimes, though)
Geez.I had to find somethin'!!
All the best,
Hugs,
David :)
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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You know what your problem is Gayle? YOu're turning up your editing too much, leaving me very little in the way of nibbling away at your work.
Two thumbs up. Looking and reading quite nice. A few cases of wordines shere and there, but what the heck? Overall, a very enjoyable piece to relax with.
One thing, not even maybe worthy mentioning:
-She rubbed her forearms in emphasis and shivered for good measure. (the 'in emphasis' is telling here.Okay sometimes, though)
Geez.I had to find somethin'!!
All the best,
Hugs,
David :)
Comment Written 03-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Hey David,
whenever I do a chapter with the girls, I really enjoy it, and it shows through, I guess. Thank you so much for the support, my friend. It's appreciated, and I'll check out your ideas.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
I do not think that an accident ,Gayle. It is quite obviously not one... The characters seem to sense it...even the dog.. she seems the most anxious!!! The drinks will get Terry some well needed sleep, but with hang over the next day though.
Stephy.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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I do not think that an accident ,Gayle. It is quite obviously not one... The characters seem to sense it...even the dog.. she seems the most anxious!!! The drinks will get Terry some well needed sleep, but with hang over the next day though.
Stephy.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2008
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Hi Stephy,
You're so right, Stephy. Hopefully they won't have headaches in the morning! Thank you so much for your wonderful support and kind comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
The officer held Terry's license, nodding in weary compassion as she talked of being surrounded and then chased through the streets by a bunch of screaming gang bangers who surely wanted to kill her, or at the very least, steal her car.
(I guess this answers my last question in the last chapter. LOL)
Al saw them coming, read their expressions with easy familiarity and made up a batch of martinis. Two frosty glasses came out of the freezer; he poured, added olives and walked them to the booth.
(Smart man.)
hugs
book
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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The officer held Terry's license, nodding in weary compassion as she talked of being surrounded and then chased through the streets by a bunch of screaming gang bangers who surely wanted to kill her, or at the very least, steal her car.
(I guess this answers my last question in the last chapter. LOL)
Al saw them coming, read their expressions with easy familiarity and made up a batch of martinis. Two frosty glasses came out of the freezer; he poured, added olives and walked them to the booth.
(Smart man.)
hugs
book
Comment Written 02-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Well, Heidi, you know Al, their bartender for forever. He takes care of the girls through mental telapathy, I guess! Love familiar characters, even if they're only little ones.
Thanks for the R&R and the great comments!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
You gave us a little slacking of the pace this time. We needed it after the Keystone Kops car chase.
I think the 'virtually' oughta go here:
That did it for the girls, who virtually howled with glee.
I had a little trouble swallowing the bit where Ella ordered prime rib then took a bite of steak, but Bess says that's OK. So, I withdraw my objection...grumble .. grumble...I guess...prime rib/steak?
Hell of a story, annabelle,
Freddie
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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You gave us a little slacking of the pace this time. We needed it after the Keystone Kops car chase.
I think the 'virtually' oughta go here:
That did it for the girls, who virtually howled with glee.
I had a little trouble swallowing the bit where Ella ordered prime rib then took a bite of steak, but Bess says that's OK. So, I withdraw my objection...grumble .. grumble...I guess...prime rib/steak?
Hell of a story, annabelle,
Freddie
Comment Written 01-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Mooooo! Sheesh, now that's a critic...steak vs prime rib.
Love ya, buddy. Go with Bess, she's right!! We gals know our beef.
Thanks so much Freddie. Ahhh, always so good to see you. Give Bess a hug for me, one for you, too
Gayle
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Mooooo! Sheesh, now that's a critic...steak vs prime rib.
Love ya, buddy. Go with Bess, she's right!! We gals know our beef.
Thanks so much Freddie. Ahhh, always so good to see you. Give Bess a hug for me, one for you, too
Annabelle