Love Honor and a Mail Order Bride
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Trading Women"Indian girl vies for the heart of a homesteader
6 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
I'm glad that you are continuing with this one. And it's clear to everyone including the women where Luke's heart lies with Ayanna. At any rate, I hope that Luke will be able to track the bounty hunter and free Ruth.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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I'm glad that you are continuing with this one. And it's clear to everyone including the women where Luke's heart lies with Ayanna. At any rate, I hope that Luke will be able to track the bounty hunter and free Ruth.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Thanks. I appreciate how you have an honest way to bring encouragement to other writers. The sincerity doesn't go unnoticed.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I really like this story. You're doing a great job writing it. I do think Luke and Ayanna deserve to be together.
From the porch, Luke asked. "Mind telling me what words you shared?" (asked,)
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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I really like this story. You're doing a great job writing it. I do think Luke and Ayanna deserve to be together.
From the porch, Luke asked. "Mind telling me what words you shared?" (asked,)
Comment Written 15-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Thanks Barbara. It does my heart good to have you reading it when you are so active, busy, and write on a consistent high-level.
Comment from patcelaw
This is a very well written chapter for your book and I enjoyed listening to it. It moves along very well when it is read aloud. You're sitting structure your paragraph and your punctuation all are very good. I wish you a very good weekend and may God bless you. Patricia.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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This is a very well written chapter for your book and I enjoyed listening to it. It moves along very well when it is read aloud. You're sitting structure your paragraph and your punctuation all are very good. I wish you a very good weekend and may God bless you. Patricia.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Thanks Pat. I'm always happy to hear from you. Blessings ahead.
Comment from royowen
I sort of knew the Bounty hunter had to be be pretty cunning and mean to be able to handle Ayanna, but will Luke be handy enough to handle the hunter, but he will be handicapped by Ruth, beautifully written Stan, blessings Roy
Typo : Give me the gal(e) .2 : the girl (clinched) her fist. Clenched?
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2024
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I sort of knew the Bounty hunter had to be be pretty cunning and mean to be able to handle Ayanna, but will Luke be handy enough to handle the hunter, but he will be handicapped by Ruth, beautifully written Stan, blessings Roy
Typo : Give me the gal(e) .2 : the girl (clinched) her fist. Clenched?
Comment Written 15-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2024
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Thanks so much.
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Well done
Comment from BethShelby
You have to great stories going. I can understand having to put on on hold for a while. I hope you finish this one and then get back to the other one. They both deserve to be written.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2024
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You have to great stories going. I can understand having to put on on hold for a while. I hope you finish this one and then get back to the other one. They both deserve to be written.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2024
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Appreciate that. I'm working on both. They've become like two children, and now I don't want to play favorites. Appreciate u
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This bounty hunter who shows up with poor Ayanna in tow seems to be more of a rattlesnake every time he speaks. It sounds like Luke cannot protect everyone he loves or feels affection toward in general. Anna is going to get caught in the middle.
Little fixes:
Holding the pistol above his head, he crept toward the door. He pulled the slat back and snuck a look outside.
I am a little bit of a perfectionist, but I still would say use 'sneaked' instead of 'snuck.' Since it is third person omniscient going on for the point of view, it will make the voice sound more correct.
The sound of crickets filled the air and fireflies lit the sky.
This is a great sensory detail. Just add a comma after air. That is because you have two independent clauses here.
Ayanna stumbled out into the clearing beneath the starry sky. Luke fastened his eyes on her enough to see the rope tied around her waist.
I think add the word 'long' just in front of on her enough.
And someone held the other end from the trees.
Maybe, since the light is dim, you can say: And someone whom he could not yet see held the other end from among the trees.
Give me the gale you got inside, and I give you back your squaw!"
Change gale to gal. Otherwise it sounds like he wants to trade Ayanna for a windy storm.
Luke was at a loss for words. His stomach soured over Ayanna.
Maybe not 'soured' but 'turned' due to her condition.
Somehow, the bounty hunter outflanked her as she tried to lead him away into the canyon.
I can't figure out how 'outflanked' would work without the bounty hunter riding a horse. Maybe say 'had outwitted her' there.
I won't tell the marshal in town; you've been harboring a fugitive.
You can take the semi-colon out after town.
Luke edged closer, waiting to fire toward the sound of his voice.
toward the sound of the bounty hunter's voice.
And Mr. she's one fiery feline.
Spell out Mister and put a comma after it, so:
And Mister, she's one fiery feline.
My trigger fingers got an itch."
Add apostrophe to finger, so: My trigger finger's got an itch."
With the light beaming over her, Luke could tell, she'd been battered and bruised.
You can take the comma out after tell.
The door slapped open. Anna Beth ran toward the pair. "Where's my mother? Momma!"
I think say Mama instead of Momma, for the sake of nineteenth century vernacular.
The girl clinched her fist and fought Ayanna back to the cabin, while Luke led with the lantern.
Change clinched to clenched.
"Don't cry child," said Ayanna. "Luke will find her."
I would put a comma after cry.
"She also said, if anyone deserves to marry you it should be me. She said, "'We were meant for each other."'
I would take the comma out after the first said.
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This bounty hunter who shows up with poor Ayanna in tow seems to be more of a rattlesnake every time he speaks. It sounds like Luke cannot protect everyone he loves or feels affection toward in general. Anna is going to get caught in the middle.
Little fixes:
Holding the pistol above his head, he crept toward the door. He pulled the slat back and snuck a look outside.
I am a little bit of a perfectionist, but I still would say use 'sneaked' instead of 'snuck.' Since it is third person omniscient going on for the point of view, it will make the voice sound more correct.
The sound of crickets filled the air and fireflies lit the sky.
This is a great sensory detail. Just add a comma after air. That is because you have two independent clauses here.
Ayanna stumbled out into the clearing beneath the starry sky. Luke fastened his eyes on her enough to see the rope tied around her waist.
I think add the word 'long' just in front of on her enough.
And someone held the other end from the trees.
Maybe, since the light is dim, you can say: And someone whom he could not yet see held the other end from among the trees.
Give me the gale you got inside, and I give you back your squaw!"
Change gale to gal. Otherwise it sounds like he wants to trade Ayanna for a windy storm.
Luke was at a loss for words. His stomach soured over Ayanna.
Maybe not 'soured' but 'turned' due to her condition.
Somehow, the bounty hunter outflanked her as she tried to lead him away into the canyon.
I can't figure out how 'outflanked' would work without the bounty hunter riding a horse. Maybe say 'had outwitted her' there.
I won't tell the marshal in town; you've been harboring a fugitive.
You can take the semi-colon out after town.
Luke edged closer, waiting to fire toward the sound of his voice.
toward the sound of the bounty hunter's voice.
And Mr. she's one fiery feline.
Spell out Mister and put a comma after it, so:
And Mister, she's one fiery feline.
My trigger fingers got an itch."
Add apostrophe to finger, so: My trigger finger's got an itch."
With the light beaming over her, Luke could tell, she'd been battered and bruised.
You can take the comma out after tell.
The door slapped open. Anna Beth ran toward the pair. "Where's my mother? Momma!"
I think say Mama instead of Momma, for the sake of nineteenth century vernacular.
The girl clinched her fist and fought Ayanna back to the cabin, while Luke led with the lantern.
Change clinched to clenched.
"Don't cry child," said Ayanna. "Luke will find her."
I would put a comma after cry.
"She also said, if anyone deserves to marry you it should be me. She said, "'We were meant for each other."'
I would take the comma out after the first said.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2024