Death of Timothy Grey
Watching can sometimes be deadly14 total reviews
Comment from F. William Lester
Got my attention. Well done. You had me guessing right up the noose. Yes, you have the start to a good story - either in flashback leading up to the final act or a follow up addressing the impact of Timothy Grey's death on those he left behind. Thanks for sharing it and congratulations on your win. Stay well.
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Got my attention. Well done. You had me guessing right up the noose. Yes, you have the start to a good story - either in flashback leading up to the final act or a follow up addressing the impact of Timothy Grey's death on those he left behind. Thanks for sharing it and congratulations on your win. Stay well.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I can't say that the first sentence contained a hook that reeled me in. If it was a 5,000 word piece, I probably would not have (sorry).
Maybe your first sentence should have been - he quickly placed the other end of the rope around his neck
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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I can't say that the first sentence contained a hook that reeled me in. If it was a 5,000 word piece, I probably would not have (sorry).
Maybe your first sentence should have been - he quickly placed the other end of the rope around his neck
Best wishes.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Wayne,
Thanks for your review. Thanks also for your suggestion. Don't mind it at all. Take care and have a most wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Oh wow, that is an incredible opening line. No wonder it won. You deftly lead us through watching a man climb a tree. We see him and what he's doing, then the climbing stops and he jumps off and hangs himself. There is no opinion presented, except for it being appalling and traumatic for the main person. Congratulations on the win!!!
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Oh wow, that is an incredible opening line. No wonder it won. You deftly lead us through watching a man climb a tree. We see him and what he's doing, then the climbing stops and he jumps off and hangs himself. There is no opinion presented, except for it being appalling and traumatic for the main person. Congratulations on the win!!!
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Thanks Rhonda. Glad you enjoyed the story although the topic is gloomy. You take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry
Comment from Sharon Elwell
I think you definitely do have the start of a story. The reader wants to know what the watcher is thinking as he watches, and how the unexpected result affects the rest of his life. We also want to know what brought Timothy Grey to that moment. I'll be watching - like your protagonist - to see where you go with this!
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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I think you definitely do have the start of a story. The reader wants to know what the watcher is thinking as he watches, and how the unexpected result affects the rest of his life. We also want to know what brought Timothy Grey to that moment. I'll be watching - like your protagonist - to see where you go with this!
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Sharon,
Thanks for the review and I am so glad you enjoyed the read. Will there be more. Well, I will see how life pans out in the near future. I now know you will be watching. Take care and have a great day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Suicide is certainly a tragedy that effects those left behind for many years. Your first line certainly was a good hook to keep reading, Barry, and I did. Congratulations on the contest win,
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Suicide is certainly a tragedy that effects those left behind for many years. Your first line certainly was a good hook to keep reading, Barry, and I did. Congratulations on the contest win,
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 19-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Thanks, Valda, for your review and Congratulations. Glad you enjoyed the read. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Thesis
I read this opening paragraph and realized it could be a complete story by itself. You left it wide open to take the story into a myriad of directions to develop the nightmare.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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I read this opening paragraph and realized it could be a complete story by itself. You left it wide open to take the story into a myriad of directions to develop the nightmare.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Thanks for the review. Yes, there are quite a few ways to go with this story. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Congratulations on your well deserved win. I thought your opening line was far more striking than many others. Your brief story included the mystery of the reasons that prompted Timothy Grey's death. This does sound like a story to be continued. What caused Timothy so much pain?
I wish you much success with whatever you decide to do.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Congratulations on your well deserved win. I thought your opening line was far more striking than many others. Your brief story included the mystery of the reasons that prompted Timothy Grey's death. This does sound like a story to be continued. What caused Timothy so much pain?
I wish you much success with whatever you decide to do.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2024
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Thanks for your review. Glad you enjoyed the read and I hope I can turn it into a very good longer story. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from gangreen
I think you do have the start of a longer story here.As a reader I wonder why Timothy Grey is in such a hurry to end his life.The reader like the observer is helpless to stop him doing so but the the act unfolds so quickly. This seems to be a definitive moment in the observers life,a nightmare has arrived,and there is the back story of Timothy Grey to be explored.When I read this I got the vague feeling that it was about suicide but was still shocked by the reveal at the end,I hope this has been useful to you.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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I think you do have the start of a longer story here.As a reader I wonder why Timothy Grey is in such a hurry to end his life.The reader like the observer is helpless to stop him doing so but the the act unfolds so quickly. This seems to be a definitive moment in the observers life,a nightmare has arrived,and there is the back story of Timothy Grey to be explored.When I read this I got the vague feeling that it was about suicide but was still shocked by the reveal at the end,I hope this has been useful to you.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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Thanks for your review. It was useful to read your thoughts on the future of the story and also that it moved a little quickly. Thanks for those comments. I was informed this morning that the piece tied for first place. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
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Thanks for reply and congratulations on doing so well in the contest.
Comment from Wendy G
Certainly a dramatic opening for a story or book, and one which opens up many possibilities. Your story is well written, and I send good wishes for the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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Certainly a dramatic opening for a story or book, and one which opens up many possibilities. Your story is well written, and I send good wishes for the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 18-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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Wendy,
Thanks for your review. Your best wishes worked as I was informed this morning that the piece tied for first. You take care and have a most wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
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Congratulations. (You had my vote.)
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Thanks Wendy. Have a good day.
Comment from Brenda Strauser
I liked this story. The beginning line was good. You surprised me in the end. Very good story. Good luck in the contest. Looking at the picture, I never would have guessed the ending.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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I liked this story. The beginning line was good. You surprised me in the end. Very good story. Good luck in the contest. Looking at the picture, I never would have guessed the ending.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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Brenda,
Thanks so much for your great review. I was informed this morning that the piece tied for first place. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold
