Womb
a story10 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
Pretty evocative and memorable dystopian scenario, and you put lots of thought into it. Unfortunately these seal of qualify editors don't seem to be giving you as much editing as they should. Here are some technical edits:
Pushing the body back into the container it revolved to the left. <= reword for clarity
Dougie and B.J.. <= try to avoid having two consecutive periods.
The food was nonstop, they even ate with the ship's captain. <= run-on sentence with a millennial comma. Use a semicolon or period instead.
Womb 20 rolled into view and slid out to her. <= put in some sort of break before
Shoulders had crested and Eve grabbed the head and pulled the small body the rest of the way out. <= run-on sentence. You can use one "and" to extend a sentence, but not multiple. I would put a period after "crested".
her designs were being purchased by a cybernetic company on Io for use <= on loan??
Eve was not aware of the disassembly <= try: Eve was unaware
Her body had been externally scrubbed, AND an electrolysis ball removed AND deadened all hair and follicles respectively. <= confusing, and needs to be reworded for clarity
Pushing the body back into the container <= place a comma here => it too revolved to the left.
It opened and produced a double-ringed device that he slipped onto his index and middle finger. <= definitely some copying and pasting going on, which is probably the point?
Evan took an inseminator module and inserted and anchored it into the vaginal opening. <= run-on. Try: ..."module, inserting and anchoring it"
Hope this is helpful and thanks for the read,
🦍
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024
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Pretty evocative and memorable dystopian scenario, and you put lots of thought into it. Unfortunately these seal of qualify editors don't seem to be giving you as much editing as they should. Here are some technical edits:
Pushing the body back into the container it revolved to the left. <= reword for clarity
Dougie and B.J.. <= try to avoid having two consecutive periods.
The food was nonstop, they even ate with the ship's captain. <= run-on sentence with a millennial comma. Use a semicolon or period instead.
Womb 20 rolled into view and slid out to her. <= put in some sort of break before
Shoulders had crested and Eve grabbed the head and pulled the small body the rest of the way out. <= run-on sentence. You can use one "and" to extend a sentence, but not multiple. I would put a period after "crested".
her designs were being purchased by a cybernetic company on Io for use <= on loan??
Eve was not aware of the disassembly <= try: Eve was unaware
Her body had been externally scrubbed, AND an electrolysis ball removed AND deadened all hair and follicles respectively. <= confusing, and needs to be reworded for clarity
Pushing the body back into the container <= place a comma here => it too revolved to the left.
It opened and produced a double-ringed device that he slipped onto his index and middle finger. <= definitely some copying and pasting going on, which is probably the point?
Evan took an inseminator module and inserted and anchored it into the vaginal opening. <= run-on. Try: ..."module, inserting and anchoring it"
Hope this is helpful and thanks for the read,
🦍
Comment Written 22-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024
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They simply reminded me to proofread the punctuation before actually submitting for pub.
Comment from Senyai
Hi Bill,
The repetition in this mind altering but expertly written work added to the numbing, lifeless, heartless, joyless existence of these humanoids that had been engineered to serve some dystopian power. Your scenarios of dealing with these disembodied wombs day in and day out, the worker drones Eve and Evan had no value and neither did the "babies" newly birthed from the valueless wombs. It is a strict warning, your words carry. Dehumanizing human life in any form cuts the lifeline and destroys joy and meaning. It's essentially a death sentence for the soul. Such a unforgettable story ... So well done, Bill!
Congratulations!
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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Hi Bill,
The repetition in this mind altering but expertly written work added to the numbing, lifeless, heartless, joyless existence of these humanoids that had been engineered to serve some dystopian power. Your scenarios of dealing with these disembodied wombs day in and day out, the worker drones Eve and Evan had no value and neither did the "babies" newly birthed from the valueless wombs. It is a strict warning, your words carry. Dehumanizing human life in any form cuts the lifeline and destroys joy and meaning. It's essentially a death sentence for the soul. Such a unforgettable story ... So well done, Bill!
Congratulations!
Comment Written 21-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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Thank you so much, Senyai. So nice to see you back on the site.
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Thank you, Bill. Hoping to check in here more often now that I have more time. Great story!
Comment from artisart4u
This is a good story for the politicians and the public who knows little about medical field.
Good luck with your informative story.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2024
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This is a good story for the politicians and the public who knows little about medical field.
Good luck with your informative story.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2024
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Thanks, artisart
Comment from LJbutterfly
Congratulations on being awarded the Seal of Quality. After reading this riveting story, I had to sit a few minutes to decompress and comprehend the meaning of what I've just read. Your detailed, repeated descriptions of how a fetus was removed from the womb, left me, as a woman who has experienced child birth, very uncomfortable.
Eve's entire life transferred to Evan, including partnering with Celeste. Your haunting ending leaves the reader to ponder what happens to Evan.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2024
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Congratulations on being awarded the Seal of Quality. After reading this riveting story, I had to sit a few minutes to decompress and comprehend the meaning of what I've just read. Your detailed, repeated descriptions of how a fetus was removed from the womb, left me, as a woman who has experienced child birth, very uncomfortable.
Eve's entire life transferred to Evan, including partnering with Celeste. Your haunting ending leaves the reader to ponder what happens to Evan.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2024
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Thank you, LJ, for giving this a look. Bill
Comment from nomi338
The story was complex, even though there was a great deal of repetition. The way it was told in such detail made it seem all to viable. I would rather die than live in such a cold and regulated system as was described in this story.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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The story was complex, even though there was a great deal of repetition. The way it was told in such detail made it seem all to viable. I would rather die than live in such a cold and regulated system as was described in this story.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Thank you
Comment from lyenochka
This was really weird, Bill. I am not quite certain what happened between Eve and whether Eve was a prior generation of Evan or vice versa but it seems that each lives an identical life just the names have changed. Scary stuff. As for the whole birthing process - this story should scare anyone who wants to put anyone's "womb" under government legislation.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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This was really weird, Bill. I am not quite certain what happened between Eve and whether Eve was a prior generation of Evan or vice versa but it seems that each lives an identical life just the names have changed. Scary stuff. As for the whole birthing process - this story should scare anyone who wants to put anyone's "womb" under government legislation.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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This is a hybrid future of humanity continuing with actual progress more of an idea than reality.
Comment from BethShelby
Wow! You are a mad scientist. This reminds me of The Brave New World only a lot scarier. What happens to Evan's body when he Storkes out. He doesn't have a womb to reprocess, or does he?
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Wow! You are a mad scientist. This reminds me of The Brave New World only a lot scarier. What happens to Evan's body when he Storkes out. He doesn't have a womb to reprocess, or does he?
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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That might be an interesting follow up. My use of Evan was to show that all the fake vacation time and family were transferable to another.
Comment from jim vecchio
Wow! This one still has my head spinning! You have posted back-to-back examples of your best writings. What can one say after reading this? Just looking forward to more such excellent displays of writing.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Wow! This one still has my head spinning! You have posted back-to-back examples of your best writings. What can one say after reading this? Just looking forward to more such excellent displays of writing.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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I am most gratified to get this great review. Jim. I submitted this story and war one to be reviewed for publishment.
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I feel honored to have read it first! Best wishes!
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
I feel like i was just on a speed cruise...and I'm not referring to a fast boat either! That was incredibly insane but don't get me wrong, i liked it....I'm just going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out why LOL Thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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I feel like i was just on a speed cruise...and I'm not referring to a fast boat either! That was incredibly insane but don't get me wrong, i liked it....I'm just going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out why LOL Thanks for sharing
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Thanks, Marilyn. This is not part of the 2025 program. : )
Comment from patcelaw
This is very graphic and it's working and I felt very uncomfortable as I was reading it. I wish you the very best with all of your writing. May you have a wonderful weekend. Patricia.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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This is very graphic and it's working and I felt very uncomfortable as I was reading it. I wish you the very best with all of your writing. May you have a wonderful weekend. Patricia.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Sorry if it was a bit much, Patricia.