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Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "The Decision and the Aftermath"Two very real women in not so real situation.
34 total reviews
Comment from Neonewman
Good lord, Rachelle. This was quite the emotional roller coaster, my friend. You had your reader immersed in his own emotional state and then BAM! Here comes the calvary bursting through the door to jerk everyone out of this state of mind.
Brilliant!!!!!
God bless,
Steve
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2024
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Good lord, Rachelle. This was quite the emotional roller coaster, my friend. You had your reader immersed in his own emotional state and then BAM! Here comes the calvary bursting through the door to jerk everyone out of this state of mind.
Brilliant!!!!!
God bless,
Steve
Comment Written 21-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2024
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Actually, it was all Gretchen! She is a master at increasing a storyline to keep it interesting.
Thanks for the nice review and the extra star. Both are so appreciated. xoxo
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My pleasure, Rachelle.
Comment from Debbie Pope
Well, Allen, I like this chapter a lot. It's written well, with humor, tension . . . lots of good things. What struck me though is that this chapter is so you. Take the scene in the kitchen. I would have been mortified. I would have hung my head at Helene's sadness at what I had done. But not you. You take charge and turn the tables on her, making her feel as though she is holding her daughter back. You try to comfort her while holding your position. I find that so remarkable. I am not a people manager. I tend to be managed.
Anyway. I like you and I like how this chapter captures you. That is remarkable.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Well, Allen, I like this chapter a lot. It's written well, with humor, tension . . . lots of good things. What struck me though is that this chapter is so you. Take the scene in the kitchen. I would have been mortified. I would have hung my head at Helene's sadness at what I had done. But not you. You take charge and turn the tables on her, making her feel as though she is holding her daughter back. You try to comfort her while holding your position. I find that so remarkable. I am not a people manager. I tend to be managed.
Anyway. I like you and I like how this chapter captures you. That is remarkable.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Thank you in every way for this really nice review, Debbie. I think it's in my nature, as an educator, to be a people manager. I see everyone's strengths and weaknesses quickly, and I do everything I can to puff up the former and mitigate the latter. I think it's Job One to let people know they're strengths are seen and appreciated.
So thank you for seeing this in the way I approached this chapter. That means the world to me. xoxox
Comment from Lori Mulligan
Hi there! Sorry for the delay but I'm back to give you six well deserved stars! What an engaging chapter. I could feel the tension and Helene's heartache. You brought Gretchen in at just the right time. Great job!
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Hi there! Sorry for the delay but I'm back to give you six well deserved stars! What an engaging chapter. I could feel the tension and Helene's heartache. You brought Gretchen in at just the right time. Great job!
Comment Written 07-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Welcome back! I definitely felt your absence! Thank you for this very encouraging review. Xo
Comment from Sugarray77
I enjoyed reading another excerpt from your ongoing story. This one was fraught with emotion and great dialogue. I enjoyed the sensitivity to Helene that your character displayed. Great job, Rachelle.
Melissa
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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I enjoyed reading another excerpt from your ongoing story. This one was fraught with emotion and great dialogue. I enjoyed the sensitivity to Helene that your character displayed. Great job, Rachelle.
Melissa
Comment Written 06-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Thank you, Melissa. I'm so happy you're continuing to enjoy this. It means a lot to me. Xoxo
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Great striking image: "I watch as her brain spins like a ferris wheel in a tornado." she might have some ADD. A great idiom for measuring weight and value:
She's not just a gifted writer, but a true-blue champion of a friend, as well. She is worth a hundred million times her weight in corn cobs!"
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
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Great striking image: "I watch as her brain spins like a ferris wheel in a tornado." she might have some ADD. A great idiom for measuring weight and value:
She's not just a gifted writer, but a true-blue champion of a friend, as well. She is worth a hundred million times her weight in corn cobs!"
Comment Written 04-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
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Hahaha. Thanks for the entertaining review! xoxo
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I should be able to get tomorrow of yours now.
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I'll love that!! xoxo
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It's supposed to say evidently the AI of my computer did not agree. It's supposed to say more of your posts
Comment from Bill Schott
This is another terrific installment of the Writers Interrupted storyline as you two mark time with the Amish in this nicely presented interaction when the visitors now seem to be taking Rebekka away with them.
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
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This is another terrific installment of the Writers Interrupted storyline as you two mark time with the Amish in this nicely presented interaction when the visitors now seem to be taking Rebekka away with them.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
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Thanks very much!
Comment from Patrick Bernardy
Hello Rachelle!
You have created a great situation for your story, with some memorable characters! The premise begs for more, especially the thematic ideas explored concerning coincidence and God's will.
There were just a couple things I might suggest:
----"I hope Tova's bringing masking tape for across your mouth," says Gretchen." -- I think this sentence would read better if you removed the word "across" altogether.
----"who, just a month earlier, lose a beloved member" -- the verb "lose" in this sentence switches tenses; it should be "lost."
I hope these recommendations are helpful for you!
By the way, I LOVED the imagery of this phrase: "as her brain spins like a ferris wheel in a tornado." I am actually shocked I have never read that combination of "spinning things" before! A little morsel of writing excellence! Thank you for sharing your talent!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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Hello Rachelle!
You have created a great situation for your story, with some memorable characters! The premise begs for more, especially the thematic ideas explored concerning coincidence and God's will.
There were just a couple things I might suggest:
----"I hope Tova's bringing masking tape for across your mouth," says Gretchen." -- I think this sentence would read better if you removed the word "across" altogether.
----"who, just a month earlier, lose a beloved member" -- the verb "lose" in this sentence switches tenses; it should be "lost."
I hope these recommendations are helpful for you!
By the way, I LOVED the imagery of this phrase: "as her brain spins like a ferris wheel in a tornado." I am actually shocked I have never read that combination of "spinning things" before! A little morsel of writing excellence! Thank you for sharing your talent!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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Thanks for the helpful review, Patrick.
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My pleasure! I have to admit that this is my first day on FanStory, and I did not realize until after I submitted my review that this was Chapter 20 of a larger work! Please disregard my comment about the premise begging for more. :)
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It's fine; I surmised as much and just went with the flow. For some odd reason, we're not supposed to "defend" our work if we get a less-than-delightful review. So I've learned to just be quiet and move on. I think it's pretty stupid that a site comprised of WRITERS discourages us from writing our thoughts and comments when someone has reviewed our work. But I'm getting better about being a lemming, I guess.
Anyway, thank you for the secondary review. xo
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Haha... I like your description of Gretchen.... it's funny. I don't know her as well as you but I love the way she writes and she is always kind and encouraging to me.
You have a wonderful sense of humor.
"Olympian berry-picker." LoL
Check this...
"May I please speak with you [ ] a moment?" *for*
I'm probably wrong but just in case.
Well done, Rachelle
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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Haha... I like your description of Gretchen.... it's funny. I don't know her as well as you but I love the way she writes and she is always kind and encouraging to me.
You have a wonderful sense of humor.
"Olympian berry-picker." LoL
Check this...
"May I please speak with you [ ] a moment?" *for*
I'm probably wrong but just in case.
Well done, Rachelle
Comment Written 03-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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Gretchen, obviously, is one of my favorite people on this site, and a big part of the reason is for exactly what you mentioned: she is so kind and helpful and encouraging as a reviewer, plus she's immensely talented as a writer. I admire her creativity and storytelling prowess.
Thanks for your eagle-eye catch for my omission, as well. Very much appreciated. xoxox
Comment from Michele Harber
Wow! I kept putting myself in Helene's shoes and wondering if I'd love or hate someone who came along and convinced Leah to leave me if it could give her a better life. I guess the fact that I could put myself in her shoes attests to the believability of both the situation and the dialogue you've created. I hope that Gretchen doesn't mind that she's become comic relief. As the "victim," she might not appreciate it but, as the reader, I do!
Just one question. Before volunteering to take a girl into your home, and to get her operatic coaching, wouldn't it have been a good idea to check with your husband and the singing coach? I get the feeling the "real" Rachelle would not do anything she hadn't planned out upside-down, backwards and sideways.
By the way, "Helene" morphed to "Helen" in paragraph 25.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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Wow! I kept putting myself in Helene's shoes and wondering if I'd love or hate someone who came along and convinced Leah to leave me if it could give her a better life. I guess the fact that I could put myself in her shoes attests to the believability of both the situation and the dialogue you've created. I hope that Gretchen doesn't mind that she's become comic relief. As the "victim," she might not appreciate it but, as the reader, I do!
Just one question. Before volunteering to take a girl into your home, and to get her operatic coaching, wouldn't it have been a good idea to check with your husband and the singing coach? I get the feeling the "real" Rachelle would not do anything she hadn't planned out upside-down, backwards and sideways.
By the way, "Helene" morphed to "Helen" in paragraph 25.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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She's not coming to my house, but rather just with the coach's, so my husband's not involved. And this coach does this as her specialized 'gig, ' just as she did with me. Plus, since it's summer, she doesn't have anyone @ the moment and adores me so would absolutely do me this favor.
The thing about Rumspringa, as I've come to understand it, is that the decision is solely and exclusively that of thecteen's. Isn't that SO BIZARRE, given the nature of this hyper-controling, regimented group? So, how Helene feels about it is a moot point. (Thanks for the eagle-eye catch on Helene's name.)
Anyway, thanks for the insightful review. I love having you along on our roadtrip!
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Does your coach/friend actually offer students room and board? I never quite knew how it worked in terms of housing Amish youths during Rumspringa, since my knowledge of it springs from reading cozy mysteries by Tamar Myers, a lapsed Mennonite who writes Amish mysteries, and watching Amish "reality" TV. It seems like some kids go all out, trying everything they've been missing, while others barely know what they've been missing, and would rather not find out.
From personal experience, my best friend growing up had very strict parents who didn't allow her to do anything but, as a New Yorker who went to public school, she knew everything there was to do. So, when she finally got to live on campus starting her sophomore year of college, she made a beeline to cigarettes, pot (both of which I think she dropped quickly), alcohol and sex (the last two having defined her college years). We pretty much stopped being friends after that, as I didn't like the person she'd become. I suspect Rebekah will fare better in your story.
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There are voice coaches who do "immersion" teaching, but I don't know any who do it strictly for Amish students. Menonites are to Amish life as Reform Jews are to Lubavitchers.
Wow about your friend, though. I haven't seen those Amish reality tv shows you mention. I wonder how that even happens, given their aversion to modernity, being photographed - never mind videoed!! - and anything that doesn't stay in line with being humble. Or are these just the Amish on Rumspringa? Because then, of course, it makes perfect sense.
Wow about your friend who was "freed" from her restrictive lifestyle. I can see that how that could happen. How did her parents take the change in her? Did they disown her? Do you know if she ever came back to a middle ground? Ever see her at a reunion or anything like that?
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I've been to Lancaster enough to know the difference between a Mennonite and an Amish person. If the bonnet is smaller, and the dress has a pattern, that's a Mennonite!
Tamar Myers used to be Mennonite, but she writes about old-world (and not so old-world) Amish people.
"Breaking Amish," the supposed reality show, focused on several young Amish people during Rumspringa in NYC. Some returned, some didn't. There was a very kind, elderly Amish woman who eventually became a sort of grandma to all of them, and she got excommunicated for participating in the show and various other "misdeeds." Her husband refused to join her for fear of excommunication.
My former friend apparently did finally get her life in order. We were out of touch for a long time, so I don't know if her parents disowned her, but she seems to have disowned them. (She once said being back in the old neighborhood was "painful.") While we were still friends, she went to Europe with a mutual friend and met a guy. Eventually he came to NY for a "visit." What I (and some other people who thought she was our friend) didn't know is that she married him. The one time I met him (post-marriage, I found out), she introduced him as her boyfriend. Another friend and I surmised she'd probably married him in secret to keep him in the country. They apparently were (or fell) in love, because they were married 20 years and had a child together before getting divorced.
Aside from the little I found out from a mutual friend who had contacted her, anything else I know is from the brief contact she and I had after 25 years. She looked me up on Facebook, and I was happy to hear from her, and hoped we could patch up our differences (since things hadn't ended on a good note when the other mutual friend and I found out we'd been lied to and, also, not invited to, or even told about, the wedding). Instead of straightening out our differences, she kept trying to gloss over them and take up the friendship where we'd left off. That's exactly what I wanted too, but not until the air was cleared.
What prevented that from actually happening was the fact that, in every email conversation we had while trying to make this work, she kept--literally--trying to sell me real estate (her new job). When I called her out on it, she said, "Well, my real friends are happy that I got my license." I said, "I am too, but I don't need to hear about it while we're trying to patch up a 25-year gap." I added, "We can try to work things out, or just drop it." She chose to drop it.
I miss the person who'd been my best friend from 2nd grade through our first year in college, but not the person she became. Every so often I check out her Facebook page. She's found a new guy and seems to be happy. Now, aren't you sorry you asked?
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No, actually I'm not even marginally sorry I asked. I love backstories and interworkings of relationships. They fascinate me. That one is wild!! Wow! Do you think her parents kept a tight clamp on her because they feared she was wild, or was it the other way around - she was wild because they kept such a tight clamp on her?
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Glutton for punishment, I see.
Regarding my former friend, it was definitely the other way around. She and I were as far as possible from being wild. We were the goody two-shoes of the class. Once, in our senior year of high school, we cut one class together, just because we could, and every single one of our classmates commented on it. So, no, she did not have the reputation for being a wild child. However, in college, both her dorm room and her bed had an open door policy, which she used to brag about.
Comment from Douglas Goff
I can eat my weight in corn cobs, but I don't think that is quite the same is it?
What are you ladies up to? When life is harsh, it is always nice when a real friend steps up and saves the day.
Good read!!!!
D
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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I can eat my weight in corn cobs, but I don't think that is quite the same is it?
What are you ladies up to? When life is harsh, it is always nice when a real friend steps up and saves the day.
Good read!!!!
D
Comment Written 03-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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That's a whole lot of corn cobs there, Doug!! Thanks for Continuing along the road trip with us!! Xo