Sandra's Lover
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "The killer slips up"A macabre crime thriller. Grotesque and detailed.
2 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
I just stumbled across this in the reviewing and damn, it's some deeply fucked up shit. Difficult to read, but also hard to pull away from. I suggest adding the adult category to this piece so people don't just casually read through it expecting it to be light sexual content. The disclaimer you added at the bottom is inadequate, as the reader doesn't see that before reading the entire piece. I'm certainly not going to trash your motives in writing this, as getting inside the mind and actions of a killer is important, and most humans are capable of doing and becoming the most horrific thing they could imagine. I'm also not seeing the entire context in your novel that led up to this point. But I'm glad I already ate breakfast this morning. Now with that out of the way, let's get on with some technical edits.
He couldn't quite figure out why, even to himself, <= not sure what this means? It reads awkwardly. Consider: "even FOR himself"
He entered the gas station and grabbed some snacks and coffee and plunked them down on the counter. <= having multiple "and"s makes this a run-on sentence. Swap the first AND out with a comma to prevent this.
"Afternoon sir, just this or do you need some gas too?" Asked <= this is all one sentence, so don't capitalize the A in And
the robust and overweight 30 something man <= 30-something (the two words only make sense together, so they need a hyphen)
For the gas discount?" The teller asked him. <= same thing here
"Give me fifty bucks worth." He replied. <= and here, same thing, and replace the period after WORTH with a comma
"I don't have a membership" <= add a comma before closing the quote
2 hours later, <= this may sound a bit anal but when it's at the beginning a sentence, and especially for numbers under 10, numbers in writing should be written out (two)
When inside, he stopped. <= I'd go with: once inside
The same music he always used, "oh Sandy." <= use a colon instead of a comma
Put them neatly in a row on the table. <= this is a fragment and can fixed by attaching it to the previous sentence
centre of the floor <= just checking what country this takes place in, as you used "gas" earlier, which is a US term. In England, they would say "petrol". But if you're in the US, we write "center"
closed mouth kiss <= closed-mouth
Her cries, a cross between a moan and a kitten's mew, filled the room <= see commas I added
He then took the scarf and again wound it around her throat, he straddled her chest, leaned forward and put his lips to her ear while he pulled, tight. <= this is a run-on sentence. I'd do: .. straddling around her chest. He learned forward ...
Pulling across <= add comma => he cut her from hip to hip.
She is <= WAS
moments from dying.
It all moved him, he was falling in love, yet again. <= run-on sentence
The next paragraph, with the sick sex stuff, keep that in one verb tense. Either pick present or past.
But he knew it was always worth it. <= same thing; if you're trying to keep it present tense, say "but he KNOWS it was [or is] always worth it"
he will need to make more excuses when he gets back, <= missing capital letter
The 4 rating is because of the number of grammar things I corrected, not your content. Fix all these things and message me back, and I'll bump it up.
I'd say thanks for the read, but my stomach isn't thanking me right now, lol.
🦍
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2024
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I just stumbled across this in the reviewing and damn, it's some deeply fucked up shit. Difficult to read, but also hard to pull away from. I suggest adding the adult category to this piece so people don't just casually read through it expecting it to be light sexual content. The disclaimer you added at the bottom is inadequate, as the reader doesn't see that before reading the entire piece. I'm certainly not going to trash your motives in writing this, as getting inside the mind and actions of a killer is important, and most humans are capable of doing and becoming the most horrific thing they could imagine. I'm also not seeing the entire context in your novel that led up to this point. But I'm glad I already ate breakfast this morning. Now with that out of the way, let's get on with some technical edits.
He couldn't quite figure out why, even to himself, <= not sure what this means? It reads awkwardly. Consider: "even FOR himself"
He entered the gas station and grabbed some snacks and coffee and plunked them down on the counter. <= having multiple "and"s makes this a run-on sentence. Swap the first AND out with a comma to prevent this.
"Afternoon sir, just this or do you need some gas too?" Asked <= this is all one sentence, so don't capitalize the A in And
the robust and overweight 30 something man <= 30-something (the two words only make sense together, so they need a hyphen)
For the gas discount?" The teller asked him. <= same thing here
"Give me fifty bucks worth." He replied. <= and here, same thing, and replace the period after WORTH with a comma
"I don't have a membership" <= add a comma before closing the quote
2 hours later, <= this may sound a bit anal but when it's at the beginning a sentence, and especially for numbers under 10, numbers in writing should be written out (two)
When inside, he stopped. <= I'd go with: once inside
The same music he always used, "oh Sandy." <= use a colon instead of a comma
Put them neatly in a row on the table. <= this is a fragment and can fixed by attaching it to the previous sentence
centre of the floor <= just checking what country this takes place in, as you used "gas" earlier, which is a US term. In England, they would say "petrol". But if you're in the US, we write "center"
closed mouth kiss <= closed-mouth
Her cries, a cross between a moan and a kitten's mew, filled the room <= see commas I added
He then took the scarf and again wound it around her throat, he straddled her chest, leaned forward and put his lips to her ear while he pulled, tight. <= this is a run-on sentence. I'd do: .. straddling around her chest. He learned forward ...
Pulling across <= add comma => he cut her from hip to hip.
She is <= WAS
moments from dying.
It all moved him, he was falling in love, yet again. <= run-on sentence
The next paragraph, with the sick sex stuff, keep that in one verb tense. Either pick present or past.
But he knew it was always worth it. <= same thing; if you're trying to keep it present tense, say "but he KNOWS it was [or is] always worth it"
he will need to make more excuses when he gets back, <= missing capital letter
The 4 rating is because of the number of grammar things I corrected, not your content. Fix all these things and message me back, and I'll bump it up.
I'd say thanks for the read, but my stomach isn't thanking me right now, lol.
🦍
Comment Written 29-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2024
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All done and thank you so much! I am Canadian Centre is correct.
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Ah, that explains the mix of American/British terms!
I see you made some edits. There are still a number of run-on sentences that would need to be corrected for me to bring this up to a 5. If you need me to annotate them, let me know. 🦍
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Please !
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He couldn't quite figure out why, even to himself, but he decided to take her alive and somewhat well, all the way to the cabin. <= this is still awkward and lengthy for a first sentence. I advise breaking it up.
He entered the gas station, grabbed some snacks, coffee <= snacks AND coffee
"Give me fifty bucks worth." he replied <= period before quotes needs to be a comma
After fueling up, he jumped into the driver seat and was soon back on the highway. Two hours later, he veered of the highway
<= OFF the highway
The same music he always used; "oh Sandy." <= this needs to be a colon, not a semicolon. Colons announce a subsequent, dependent clause, whereas a semicolon separates two independent clauses with their own subjects and predicates
From the bag he always had with him, he took out his knives, put them neatly in a row on the table. <= PUTTING
They were sharp and clean. He reached to a shelf <= UP to a shelf
The chair wobbled with her efforts, but he didn't even care, he didn't really notice because it didn't matter. <= run-on sentence
A gentle closed-mouth kiss to her lips. <= sentence fragment, missing a verb ("kiss" functions here as a noun)
He then took the scarf and again, wound it around her throat, he straddled her chest. <= this is still a run-on sentence
He was smart, he knew when to stop. <= run-on sentence. Easiest fix is "AND knew when to stop"
Just moments before life would leave her, just then. <= fragment
He saw the love he gave her and now it is time to share in that pleasure. <= mixing of verb tenses. Stick with one verb tense throughout the entire paragraph (probably present tense). Switching back and forth from here through the next couple paragraphs is confusing to the reader.
Sometimes even over to the other one. <= fragment
Planning, scheduling and hiding were [PAST] the parts of his life that he despised. But he knows [PRESENT] it was [PAST] always worth it. <= still going back and forth with verb tenses. Starting back where I first mentioned this, I'd go back and change everything to present tense, if that is how you want it narrated.
🦍
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I wonder if you would be interested in editing the whole book???
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Sure let's talk -- send me a direct message or let me know the best way to get in touch with you. 🦍
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this had a chilling and intense atmosphere! You immersed me into a deeply unsettling story. The level of detail and the way you explore the psychological state of your character are remarkable. Your ability to evoke such strong emotions and craft such a compelling story is truly impressive. Keep up the fantastic work!
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
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I thought this had a chilling and intense atmosphere! You immersed me into a deeply unsettling story. The level of detail and the way you explore the psychological state of your character are remarkable. Your ability to evoke such strong emotions and craft such a compelling story is truly impressive. Keep up the fantastic work!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
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Wow thank you for your review. You have put starch in my sails to keep going. I look forward to more reviews from you. Thank you again