The Fix
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "The Fix - Chapter Twenty-One"A mother fights to prove her son's innocence
8 total reviews
Comment from Daylily
This is a good chapter showing Stacey's determination and how those around her do not support her heartfelt belief in her son's innocence.
Following are a few places that need some consideration.
Is a word left out in theses sentences:
-- I slip out of bed and drain the rest of my water in one. (swallow/gulp?)
--Rachel's in the kitchen, she's sorting out breakfast. (dishes?)
--....the screech of the doorbell makes me jump (chime/sound/ring?)
(I do not think doorbells actually screech like the tires on a car)
This sentence is a bit too passive:
I reach out to the bannister to steady myself. -- Perhaps you can make it more intense with: I clutch the bannister and steady myself.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2024
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This is a good chapter showing Stacey's determination and how those around her do not support her heartfelt belief in her son's innocence.
Following are a few places that need some consideration.
Is a word left out in theses sentences:
-- I slip out of bed and drain the rest of my water in one. (swallow/gulp?)
--Rachel's in the kitchen, she's sorting out breakfast. (dishes?)
--....the screech of the doorbell makes me jump (chime/sound/ring?)
(I do not think doorbells actually screech like the tires on a car)
This sentence is a bit too passive:
I reach out to the bannister to steady myself. -- Perhaps you can make it more intense with: I clutch the bannister and steady myself.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2024
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Thank you, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it and thank you for the suggestions as well.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Not sure if you want the corrections, you never mention them. Anyway, I'll mention them one last time here.
"the way how her forehead creased" - drop either "way" or "how"
"drain the rest of my water in one" - in "one" what?
"Heat rise in my cheeks" - "rises"
"the way how she's crossed her arms across her chest" - "the way she's" or "how she's"
"always find blue eyes so attractive, now, the . . ." - I would put a semicolon after "attractive" I would break this paragraph up - you've got her thoughts with his dialogue.
Stacey is getting herself into some trouble here, but we can feel here pain and passion for proving her son's innocence.
I sure hope all this turns out to be worth it for her.
Thanks for sharing this chapter, Jacob.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2024
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Not sure if you want the corrections, you never mention them. Anyway, I'll mention them one last time here.
"the way how her forehead creased" - drop either "way" or "how"
"drain the rest of my water in one" - in "one" what?
"Heat rise in my cheeks" - "rises"
"the way how she's crossed her arms across her chest" - "the way she's" or "how she's"
"always find blue eyes so attractive, now, the . . ." - I would put a semicolon after "attractive" I would break this paragraph up - you've got her thoughts with his dialogue.
Stacey is getting herself into some trouble here, but we can feel here pain and passion for proving her son's innocence.
I sure hope all this turns out to be worth it for her.
Thanks for sharing this chapter, Jacob.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 01-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2024
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Thank you Pam, I really appreciate you taking the time to give feedback and for spotting the errors. Sorry for the late reply.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Dominic Hitchens sure comes down hard on Stacey's case, but maybe he is used to serving restraining orders (not sure what those are called in the U.K.) to emotional people.
Here is a sentence with a word I had to go look up: I gasp as I finish and plonk the glass back on the bedside cabinet.
I would have said 'plunk' instead of 'plonk.' Apparently we Americans don't distinguish between the two words.
The clink of cutlery and plates being placed on the table reaches my ears as I head out into the hallway, as well as the smell of toast cooking.
There is something awkward about this, as if the smell of toast also reaches the ears. To fix the flow, I would say:
The clink of cutlery and plates being placed on the table reaches my ears as I head out into the hallway. The smell of fresh toast fills my nose.
'If that's all this matter is, then I can't see there being too much of a problem here, but I would warn you, Stacey not to go loitering near the school again, because if we receive any further reports I won't be coming round for a friendly chit chat next time.
This is a REALLY long sentence. Maybe try:
'If that's all this matter is, then I can't see there being too much of a problem here. But I would warn you, Stacey, not to go loitering near the school again--because if we receive any further reports, I won't be coming round for a friendly chit-chat next time.
(The long dash can be inserted in Advanced Editor.)
You have a flair for pacing and dialogue. It's just keeping an eye on parallelism and possible run-on sentences that requires some careful editing.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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Dominic Hitchens sure comes down hard on Stacey's case, but maybe he is used to serving restraining orders (not sure what those are called in the U.K.) to emotional people.
Here is a sentence with a word I had to go look up: I gasp as I finish and plonk the glass back on the bedside cabinet.
I would have said 'plunk' instead of 'plonk.' Apparently we Americans don't distinguish between the two words.
The clink of cutlery and plates being placed on the table reaches my ears as I head out into the hallway, as well as the smell of toast cooking.
There is something awkward about this, as if the smell of toast also reaches the ears. To fix the flow, I would say:
The clink of cutlery and plates being placed on the table reaches my ears as I head out into the hallway. The smell of fresh toast fills my nose.
'If that's all this matter is, then I can't see there being too much of a problem here, but I would warn you, Stacey not to go loitering near the school again, because if we receive any further reports I won't be coming round for a friendly chit chat next time.
This is a REALLY long sentence. Maybe try:
'If that's all this matter is, then I can't see there being too much of a problem here. But I would warn you, Stacey, not to go loitering near the school again--because if we receive any further reports, I won't be coming round for a friendly chit-chat next time.
(The long dash can be inserted in Advanced Editor.)
You have a flair for pacing and dialogue. It's just keeping an eye on parallelism and possible run-on sentences that requires some careful editing.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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Thank you for all of your suggestions, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Stacey is getting into this deeper and deeper. I understand why she's doing it and I agree with her that her son is innocent, but I fear she may not like the answers once she discovers the truth. I enjoyed reading and you're doing a good job writing this.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2024
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Stacey is getting into this deeper and deeper. I understand why she's doing it and I agree with her that her son is innocent, but I fear she may not like the answers once she discovers the truth. I enjoyed reading and you're doing a good job writing this.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2024
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Thank you Barbara. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your writing shares the tension and unease of the encounter with DI Dominic Hitchens brilliantly. The internal conflict and mounting stress is so believable. I especially like how you've woven in little details, like the reaction to Dominic's presence and with Rachel. For me that really adds to the story. Great job at creating a tense and gripping scene!
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2024
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Your writing shares the tension and unease of the encounter with DI Dominic Hitchens brilliantly. The internal conflict and mounting stress is so believable. I especially like how you've woven in little details, like the reaction to Dominic's presence and with Rachel. For me that really adds to the story. Great job at creating a tense and gripping scene!
Comment Written 29-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2024
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Thank you Michael. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I'm not surprised she hates that man. He's utterly obnoxious and you conveyed the dialogue in this scene perfectly to convey this. And also Stacey's growing confidence, self-belief and suspicions. There are some bumps for me in the piece. See below. But a great write, stirring emotion and further support for Stacey in your reader. Well done, Debbie
The way (how?) her forehead creased ('how' either needs deletion or replaced by 'in which')
Heat rise(s) in my cheeks
the way (in which) she's crossed her arms..
You refer to him suddenly as 'Dominic' which is confusing given your aversion to him. Maybe better to say Hitchens, detective or the DI
the way (in which) he's staring at me
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2024
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I'm not surprised she hates that man. He's utterly obnoxious and you conveyed the dialogue in this scene perfectly to convey this. And also Stacey's growing confidence, self-belief and suspicions. There are some bumps for me in the piece. See below. But a great write, stirring emotion and further support for Stacey in your reader. Well done, Debbie
The way (how?) her forehead creased ('how' either needs deletion or replaced by 'in which')
Heat rise(s) in my cheeks
the way (in which) she's crossed her arms..
You refer to him suddenly as 'Dominic' which is confusing given your aversion to him. Maybe better to say Hitchens, detective or the DI
the way (in which) he's staring at me
Comment Written 29-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2024
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Thank you Debbie, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from royowen
I can quite definitely understand why a mother would want to prove her son was innocent, so who can blame her, also the detective Dominic seems to have a question mark alongside him, and the foreman of the jury has a little suspicion surrounding her also, well written Jacob, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2024
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I can quite definitely understand why a mother would want to prove her son was innocent, so who can blame her, also the detective Dominic seems to have a question mark alongside him, and the foreman of the jury has a little suspicion surrounding her also, well written Jacob, blessings Roy
Comment Written 29-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2024
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Thank you Roy, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
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Most welcome
Comment from BethShelby
It is too bad Stacey has to be so nervous and uptight around her on daughter. Her daughter acts as though she has to keep her mother under control. Any mother would be concerned about her son in prison. What is Rachel so afraid she might do? I'm don't like Rachel. I'm starting to think she might have something to hide.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2024
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It is too bad Stacey has to be so nervous and uptight around her on daughter. Her daughter acts as though she has to keep her mother under control. Any mother would be concerned about her son in prison. What is Rachel so afraid she might do? I'm don't like Rachel. I'm starting to think she might have something to hide.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2024
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Thank you Beth, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.