The Fix
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Fix - Chapter Twelve "A mother fights to prove her son's innocence
8 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
It does all seem to point to him, and it's going to be hard to prove he was being blackmailed by the police. You've certainly got a good plot here, Jacob, I can't even begin to think who else could have killed her. I'm going to the next chapter now. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2024
  |
It does all seem to point to him, and it's going to be hard to prove he was being blackmailed by the police. You've certainly got a good plot here, Jacob, I can't even begin to think who else could have killed her. I'm going to the next chapter now. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 10-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2024
-
Thank you Sandra.
Comment from tfawcus
I didn't realise I'd fallen so far behind with your story, Jacob. Sorry!
This chapter is full of tension. Great mix between dialogue and internal dialogue. There is also a nice sense of the words tumbling out of Stacey's mouth when she's explaining what she thinks has happened.
There are a few places where you might look at unnecessary repetition:
Taking in a deep breath, I knock on Lucie's front door. A shadow falls over the glass in the centre of the front door and the door's wrenched open. Lucie stands there, beaming at me. 'front door', 'front door', and 'door'.
... and here: 'until I taste the sharp taste'.
You could also drop the pm and am references here. They're obvious from the context. He got back to his flat at six pm and ordered a pizza, which arrived at seven pm. He then says he went to bed at ten pm, after watching a film and didn't wake up until nine thirty am the following morning,
I like the way you have drawn the character of the reporter. She has to be sure of her facts before she can proceed with anything.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2024
 |
I didn't realise I'd fallen so far behind with your story, Jacob. Sorry!
This chapter is full of tension. Great mix between dialogue and internal dialogue. There is also a nice sense of the words tumbling out of Stacey's mouth when she's explaining what she thinks has happened.
There are a few places where you might look at unnecessary repetition:
Taking in a deep breath, I knock on Lucie's front door. A shadow falls over the glass in the centre of the front door and the door's wrenched open. Lucie stands there, beaming at me. 'front door', 'front door', and 'door'.
... and here: 'until I taste the sharp taste'.
You could also drop the pm and am references here. They're obvious from the context. He got back to his flat at six pm and ordered a pizza, which arrived at seven pm. He then says he went to bed at ten pm, after watching a film and didn't wake up until nine thirty am the following morning,
I like the way you have drawn the character of the reporter. She has to be sure of her facts before she can proceed with anything.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2024
-
Thank you Tony, I?m really pleased that you liked it. Thank you for the six stars.
Comment from Daylily
This is a very believable story and you are developing it well through expressing Staceys feelings as a mother who wants to help her son by finding out what really happened. It continues to present a different kind of detective slant that holds interest, and I look forward to reading the forthcoming chapters.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2024
|
This is a very believable story and you are developing it well through expressing Staceys feelings as a mother who wants to help her son by finding out what really happened. It continues to present a different kind of detective slant that holds interest, and I look forward to reading the forthcoming chapters.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2024
-
Thank you, I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Nicole Schmidt
I jump onto the pavement as the bus comes to a stop, pulling my hand gel out of my pocket and squirting far too much onto my hand. I can't remember the last time I got the bus.
Good use of imagery and more
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2024
|
I jump onto the pavement as the bus comes to a stop, pulling my hand gel out of my pocket and squirting far too much onto my hand. I can't remember the last time I got the bus.
Good use of imagery and more
Comment Written 08-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2024
-
Thank you, I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from BethShelby
I can understand the writer having doubt. She probably assumed that all mothers would want to helieve their son to be innocent. I haven't heard why Lucie believes he might be innocent. She doesn;t have any proof that the he would be blackmailed.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2024
|
I can understand the writer having doubt. She probably assumed that all mothers would want to helieve their son to be innocent. I haven't heard why Lucie believes he might be innocent. She doesn;t have any proof that the he would be blackmailed.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2024
-
Thank you Beth, I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is quite a tense discussion here quite understandably because, clearly, Stacey feels there is a lot resting on it as though she, herself, is on trial. As ever, Jacob, your dialogue is excellent and the interrogation credible, forcing Stacey to regard the facts as impartially as possible. Pace is good with the next step announced, being a prison visit which will be interesting. Well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2024
|
This is quite a tense discussion here quite understandably because, clearly, Stacey feels there is a lot resting on it as though she, herself, is on trial. As ever, Jacob, your dialogue is excellent and the interrogation credible, forcing Stacey to regard the facts as impartially as possible. Pace is good with the next step announced, being a prison visit which will be interesting. Well done! Debbie
Comment Written 08-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2024
-
Thank you Debbie, I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Well, that didn't go very well, did it? How many times have parents believed their child "was not capable" or "told me they did not" to learn later that they were wrong? I'm curious to see if Stacey is wrong.
A good chapter, Jacob.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2024
|
Well, that didn't go very well, did it? How many times have parents believed their child "was not capable" or "told me they did not" to learn later that they were wrong? I'm curious to see if Stacey is wrong.
A good chapter, Jacob.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 08-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2024
-
Thank you Pam, I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You already know I like this story and this post only made me like it more.
My knees tremble as I sit in the chair opposite, Lucie sits next to me. (sits beside me)
perhaps you can try and talk to him a bit more about how he was treated to the police, see what he says.' (treated by the police???)
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2024
|
You already know I like this story and this post only made me like it more.
My knees tremble as I sit in the chair opposite, Lucie sits next to me. (sits beside me)
perhaps you can try and talk to him a bit more about how he was treated to the police, see what he says.' (treated by the police???)
Comment Written 08-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2024
-
Thank you Barbara, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.