The Unwilling Heir
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Unwilling Heir - Chap 1"A Mysterious Inheritance and Murders
17 total reviews
Comment from bob cullen
You are good, really good. I'm so glad I found this. I stumbled upon this story this morning, after discovering and reading chapter 26. I'm so glad I've now found the story's beginning. My reading for the next few days is now assured. Gotta go, there's more to read.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2024
  |
You are good, really good. I'm so glad I found this. I stumbled upon this story this morning, after discovering and reading chapter 26. I'm so glad I've now found the story's beginning. My reading for the next few days is now assured. Gotta go, there's more to read.
Comment Written 31-May-2024
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2024
-
You flatter me...but go ahead! I truly appreciate you reading my story from the start and I hope you find it well worth your time. Feel free to point out suggestions if you think I might have led the reader astray.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Did this on Word and moved it over for fear of losing it into the great beyond... not that a thing like that might ever happen here... So if something doesn't make sense it COULD be that...? Or... me.
Mighty interesting beginning!
1.) you may need to do a word search for 'echo' - just to check and see if it's one of those words you tend to lean on without knowing it. It's scary how we all do this.
2.) "The (j)udge is right. We stick to the plan.
Only cap judge in direct references - as in the next point
3.) "It's the only way," Judge Parker's eyes narrowed
--> this is an action tag, not speech tag
4.) I hope to read more chaps, but I wanted to give you the heads-up (and you know) I won't review all of them. This is Chapter ONE but I can't be sure who will be your MC. To consider:
Q #1: when does your MC need to arrive on scene - no hard and fast rules - but in general? Whose story are we following?
Q #2: how much do secondary characters matter? How much weight/time/paragraph space/descriptions/words do they deserve relative to your more imp chars?
Q #3: Which characters have the best personalities and will give you more bang for your writing buck?
Q #4: Thinking of this particular opening, when does the ACTION begin?
So--stew on those a minute while I -- What? No. There are no right and/or wrong answers. Just meditate and wonder and fret. Hehehe
***
Your opening line:
Ryan sighed, looking up at the ominous clouds in the distance.
-->noooo... sighing and weather.
***
I counted and got to the 44th paragraph down - but that can't be right. Anyway, your book starts when Sandra approaches the gravesite. That introduces one of the MCs AND some of the big action that I think will be guiding the plot. I LOVE the scene you've created. It's insane. At a funeral? 5*****
Below, I melded two of your paragraphs to show you what I mean...
***
Sandra approached the gathering at the gravesite. She noticed Madeline, the widow, standing at the head of the casket. Anguish was written on her face, and streaks of mascara dotted her face. She clutched a tissue in her trembling hand, holding back the tears. Sandra's heart went out to her. She knew all too well the pain of losing a loved one. When her turn came, she extended a hand to offer condolences. "Mrs. Wakefield --"
Madeline turned toward the voice, her swollen eyes filled with anger and pain. Her face twisted into a scowl. "YOU!" she screamed, pointing at Sandra, her voice trembling with emotion. "How dare you come here?" she shrieked; her voice thick with hatred.
...and so on... As a matter of fact, you could use this whole bit down to the part about 'leave it /take it' as a fab back of book blurb (with bits edited out as need be).
5.) In the middle of all that were a couple of edits -
--> Madeline [delete 'her head' -that's kinda implied] turned toward[-s] the voice, her swollen eyes filled with anger and pain. Her face twisted into a scowl [or you could just say 'she scowled'] as she recognized Sandra. [OOPS! jumped heads again. Move this part somewhere so Mad can share with us later that she already had this info on the new girl.] The private investigator she'd hired had provided a picture that left no doubt who the woman standing there was.
--> these notes also explain why this was not used in the newer version above
6.) Oh, I almost forgot. Some readers (Me! ME!!) are bad with names and remembering characters. I know. Those of you who read those forty-three generation books and know every individual from the tapping sound of their shoes amaze me. ... But so be it. We others DO exist. I caution you to be careful and rethink introducing three or even two characters at the same time. IMO - if you plan to introduce them in the same setting, you might delay arrivals so the reader meets X, learns his name, and THIS one thing unique to X. Once we've grabbed it, however brief, bring in Y, etc,
Also, remember that secondary characters need to keep their place. They shouldn't have better lines or the funny zingers - unless that's their bit. Right? Man, I hope this makes sense.
Good luck --
Loving your story. Thanks!
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2024
|
Carol,
Did this on Word and moved it over for fear of losing it into the great beyond... not that a thing like that might ever happen here... So if something doesn't make sense it COULD be that...? Or... me.
Mighty interesting beginning!
1.) you may need to do a word search for 'echo' - just to check and see if it's one of those words you tend to lean on without knowing it. It's scary how we all do this.
2.) "The (j)udge is right. We stick to the plan.
Only cap judge in direct references - as in the next point
3.) "It's the only way," Judge Parker's eyes narrowed
--> this is an action tag, not speech tag
4.) I hope to read more chaps, but I wanted to give you the heads-up (and you know) I won't review all of them. This is Chapter ONE but I can't be sure who will be your MC. To consider:
Q #1: when does your MC need to arrive on scene - no hard and fast rules - but in general? Whose story are we following?
Q #2: how much do secondary characters matter? How much weight/time/paragraph space/descriptions/words do they deserve relative to your more imp chars?
Q #3: Which characters have the best personalities and will give you more bang for your writing buck?
Q #4: Thinking of this particular opening, when does the ACTION begin?
So--stew on those a minute while I -- What? No. There are no right and/or wrong answers. Just meditate and wonder and fret. Hehehe
***
Your opening line:
Ryan sighed, looking up at the ominous clouds in the distance.
-->noooo... sighing and weather.
***
I counted and got to the 44th paragraph down - but that can't be right. Anyway, your book starts when Sandra approaches the gravesite. That introduces one of the MCs AND some of the big action that I think will be guiding the plot. I LOVE the scene you've created. It's insane. At a funeral? 5*****
Below, I melded two of your paragraphs to show you what I mean...
***
Sandra approached the gathering at the gravesite. She noticed Madeline, the widow, standing at the head of the casket. Anguish was written on her face, and streaks of mascara dotted her face. She clutched a tissue in her trembling hand, holding back the tears. Sandra's heart went out to her. She knew all too well the pain of losing a loved one. When her turn came, she extended a hand to offer condolences. "Mrs. Wakefield --"
Madeline turned toward the voice, her swollen eyes filled with anger and pain. Her face twisted into a scowl. "YOU!" she screamed, pointing at Sandra, her voice trembling with emotion. "How dare you come here?" she shrieked; her voice thick with hatred.
...and so on... As a matter of fact, you could use this whole bit down to the part about 'leave it /take it' as a fab back of book blurb (with bits edited out as need be).
5.) In the middle of all that were a couple of edits -
--> Madeline [delete 'her head' -that's kinda implied] turned toward[-s] the voice, her swollen eyes filled with anger and pain. Her face twisted into a scowl [or you could just say 'she scowled'] as she recognized Sandra. [OOPS! jumped heads again. Move this part somewhere so Mad can share with us later that she already had this info on the new girl.] The private investigator she'd hired had provided a picture that left no doubt who the woman standing there was.
--> these notes also explain why this was not used in the newer version above
6.) Oh, I almost forgot. Some readers (Me! ME!!) are bad with names and remembering characters. I know. Those of you who read those forty-three generation books and know every individual from the tapping sound of their shoes amaze me. ... But so be it. We others DO exist. I caution you to be careful and rethink introducing three or even two characters at the same time. IMO - if you plan to introduce them in the same setting, you might delay arrivals so the reader meets X, learns his name, and THIS one thing unique to X. Once we've grabbed it, however brief, bring in Y, etc,
Also, remember that secondary characters need to keep their place. They shouldn't have better lines or the funny zingers - unless that's their bit. Right? Man, I hope this makes sense.
Good luck --
Loving your story. Thanks!
Comment Written 23-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2024
-
I read all your hard work and comments, but I haven't actually done anything with it. But I did want you to know a little background on this story.
One by chapter three, I was getting some tough PMs and literally decided to quit the story. I had never written a ghost story before and I actually didn't intend for this to be leaning on the ghosts...they were supposed to be the side act.
But as you see the story got a life of its own and became about the ghosts. In the beginning the Judge, Ryan, and Bennie are ghosts joking around, but I don't tell the reader this until further into the story. It was going to be a mystery and then the ghosts were just humor. Of course, the story didn't stay like that at all.
When the three men are a team, they needed to be presented at the funeral as a team. It might have been confusing to some... the whole story was confusing to me and everyone's different reactions. And I did intend them to be characters (funny hahah ones) in the beginning. Like I said the story took on an entirely different life as yu will see as you continue to read...if you do.
By the way, since I don't remember, Madeline was faking the who scene at the funeral. She's an evil woman out to get the money and nothing else.
Anyhow, I appreciate all your thoughts and ideas. I will have to go back and reread the chapters myself...unfortunately for me, things don't stick in my brain for long anymore. Just one of those things.
You had a lot of good points and ideas but its hard for me to put all them in place without rereading everything. (which I will be more than happy to do).
When I say that this has been the most difficult story to write, I wasn't kidding. It's not my genre and I have to work two or three times harder just to get the thoughts on paper. I appreciate you seeing it with fresh ideas and helping me out.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
-
That makes more sense. Though I can imagine what anyone might PM about. Still weird. Please do not mind too much about me. Clearly I think this is good enough to develop or I would not bother. But just do you. Kiss!
-
I appreciate all your time and thoughts with this and any other time. Never fear...your kindness is appreciated.
Smiles, Carol
-
Because you're adorable.
-
Two peas in a pod! LOL
Comment from prettybluebirds
This is the beginning of a wonderful story. You have turned into a regular writing machine, with one story after another. I'm sorry to have missed the end of your last novel. I had a bad respiratory issue that turned into pneumonia. I'm fine now, but it took a while to whip it.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2024
|
This is the beginning of a wonderful story. You have turned into a regular writing machine, with one story after another. I'm sorry to have missed the end of your last novel. I had a bad respiratory issue that turned into pneumonia. I'm fine now, but it took a while to whip it.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2024
-
Good morning, April. Sorry that you were so ill but happy to hear you are on the mend. Wow! You read all five chapters...I am thrilled because there has been mixed feelings about the book. It's different than my usual but not totally. I'll give it a shot and hope people enjoy.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from LJbutterfly
This new novel is off to a different, but interesting start. I recall an investigative reporter in a previous novel. She had a dog. Is Sandra the same reporter?
I didn't grasp who the Judge, detective, or Benny were. I couldn't pick it up from their conversation. Maybe I'll understand after reading chapter 2.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2024
|
This new novel is off to a different, but interesting start. I recall an investigative reporter in a previous novel. She had a dog. Is Sandra the same reporter?
I didn't grasp who the Judge, detective, or Benny were. I couldn't pick it up from their conversation. Maybe I'll understand after reading chapter 2.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2024
-
You were not supposed to catch who they were so it's not you...it's me. I might have been too picky on how I started the story. Thanks for sticking with it.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Hi Carol, this is a really intruging first chapter, I'm liking it already. There is a lot for us to start deciding who, of what, we like best. I'm thinking that the three 'men' in the graveyard are in fact the ghosts. The Judge, Benny, and Ryan. They sound a very unusual threesome, the only thing I can see that has brought them together, is death and the mansion. Now, how will Sandra get Madeline off her back and move into her inheritence? But then again, perhaps I have it all wrong, because how does James see them? Yes, my friend, you should carry this one on. Well done. Love and hugs, Sandra. xx
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
|
Hi Carol, this is a really intruging first chapter, I'm liking it already. There is a lot for us to start deciding who, of what, we like best. I'm thinking that the three 'men' in the graveyard are in fact the ghosts. The Judge, Benny, and Ryan. They sound a very unusual threesome, the only thing I can see that has brought them together, is death and the mansion. Now, how will Sandra get Madeline off her back and move into her inheritence? But then again, perhaps I have it all wrong, because how does James see them? Yes, my friend, you should carry this one on. Well done. Love and hugs, Sandra. xx
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
-
Hello, Sandra! I am thrilled you caught this one before I leave for North Carolina. I always value your thoughts and comments. This is out of my league as a few have suggested, which of course, this ninnie got scared of writing it, but after hearing from friends like you I will try to continue. You're the expert on ghosts so maybe you can give me suggestions if I am steering it wrong.
Love ya.... Will be getting on a plane in a few hours. Beach time and rest.... I hope.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
-
Have a lovely time, Carol, you deserve it. I will catch up ready for your return and the next chapter. I thought I had a six left, it said I had, but when I applied it to this chapter, it said I didn't have one! I think this story will be amazing, especially when you really allow the ghosts to be known. Love you lots. xxxx
Comment from karenina
This is a horse of a different color! You are now a writing machine, woman! No breaks for you?
It's late and I'm tired, so I feel asea with all these characters coming at me.
I know you'll flesh them out in another chapter or two, but I'm a wee bit lost here.
Karenina
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
|
This is a horse of a different color! You are now a writing machine, woman! No breaks for you?
It's late and I'm tired, so I feel asea with all these characters coming at me.
I know you'll flesh them out in another chapter or two, but I'm a wee bit lost here.
Karenina
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
-
The story has a good idea but not a good delivery. Thanks for trying to read it.
Smiles, Carol
-
Forgive my crazy response.... It was a bad night but no excuse for being an idiot. I apologize, You are right about the story... I'm working on it one more time.
Forgive me...Carol
-
That is not my intention at all. It's a "unique" delivery and I'm happy to stay with it, knowing you always bring it all into focus.
-
Nothing to forgive. I think you sensed a "tone" I absolutely did not intend.
-
I think I was stressed and overly tired...This old lady can't do the all nighters any more.
-
It's a wierd thing trying to write some humor and ghosts and drama... what a milk shake it is! LOL
Comment from Ric Myworld
Yes, I just never know what you might come up with next, always seeming to know your subject matter so well that you might have lived it. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
 |
Yes, I just never know what you might come up with next, always seeming to know your subject matter so well that you might have lived it. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
-
Thank you for always being there to lift my spirits. This one is out of my realm and I don't know for sure what I am doing. I can do drama...but then I am trying to add a little comedy and maybe some ghosts. I'm not sure how this is suppose to unfold but I'm giving it a shot. If you have suggestions...PLEASE give them to me. Thanks so much for the kindness you always share with me.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
-
Smiles and hugs back at you! Ric
Comment from royowen
What an opening to your new story, it's a great start, although I havent had a chance to get to know them yet, already there's fireworks happening, the reporter who's inheriting a mansion without knowing why. Well done, Carol, good job, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
|
What an opening to your new story, it's a great start, although I havent had a chance to get to know them yet, already there's fireworks happening, the reporter who's inheriting a mansion without knowing why. Well done, Carol, good job, blessings Roy
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
-
Good evening to you, isn't it? Thank you for catching this first chapter. I am experimenting with a style I am not sure of, so please feel free to tell me if you think something isn't coming across properly.
Smiles, Carol
-
Perhaps a little strong depends what you think introduce a little background for the characters, Carol.
-
Please read the second chapter that I wrote and posted just now and see if that pulls things together a little better. If not, please tell me. Thanks!
-
I?m up at 3:30 am Carol, 10:35 pm now, I?ll try,
-
No rush! I know how those 3:30 mornings are... I'm traveling starting Wednesday for 9 days, but I hoped to have the story started...properly. Thank you so much.
Good night and sweet dreams...Carol
-
Well done,
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Very good beginning that poses a lot of interesting questions. The fact that the dead man and Sandra share the same last name may be a key to what some of it is about, but maybe not.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
|
Very good beginning that poses a lot of interesting questions. The fact that the dead man and Sandra share the same last name may be a key to what some of it is about, but maybe not.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
-
Hi, Carol...Thanks for starting to read my new story. It's a bit different than others I've written because I am trying to mix humor, mystery and a few other strange things. Please fell free to set me straight if something doesn't come across just right....As too the names ? Noah Wakefield left the mansion to Sandra Monroe. Madeline Wakefield is his widow. Hope you enjoy!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Ulla
Hi Carol, this is an interesting start to your new novel. It's very well written and already full of intrigue, leaving me to wonder where you will.take this. I can't wait to see. A hug, Ulla xcx
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
|
Hi Carol, this is an interesting start to your new novel. It's very well written and already full of intrigue, leaving me to wonder where you will.take this. I can't wait to see. A hug, Ulla xcx
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
-
Thank you so much, Ulla. As to where I might take it... off a cliff maybe. LOL I am have never written a story with humor and mixed it with drama and mystery, but that's where I am headed at the moment. I hope I can pull it off, but any suggestions as I go will be greatly appreciated. I am thrilled by your review and the stars. Thank you so much.
Smiles, Carol