Front Line Runner
In World War 1 European battlefields were ferocious.26 total reviews
Comment from CM Kelly
A nice, to the point story. Whether its in the military, police, firefighter or or construction, brevity and clear communication are essential. You showcased those two points with this story.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2024
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A nice, to the point story. Whether its in the military, police, firefighter or or construction, brevity and clear communication are essential. You showcased those two points with this story.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2024
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Thanks for your review. Glad you enjoyed the read. Always brings memories of my grandfather when I read this to myself. Have a good day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, nice to give tribute to your grandfather for his service. Structurally, everything looks fine. But the story itself feels light. What was the plot and purpose? Was there actually conflict and resolution to the story? What I mean, other than the multiple references to God, what was the story about? Those missing elements are the meat of a tale. I suggest adding more depth and substance.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2024
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Hmm, nice to give tribute to your grandfather for his service. Structurally, everything looks fine. But the story itself feels light. What was the plot and purpose? Was there actually conflict and resolution to the story? What I mean, other than the multiple references to God, what was the story about? Those missing elements are the meat of a tale. I suggest adding more depth and substance.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2024
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Thanks for your review. I sort of get where you are coming from so I will sit down tonight and have a think about it. Thanks for your comments. Take care.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Sally Law
Gee, Barry, I am sick for a six for this one. Excellent work and in dialogue only! I'm a self taught historian and appreciate oral family history. I come from a military family too in all wars and branches of service. A pleasure to read this.
Sending you my best today as always and my very best wishes in the contest.
Sally :))
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2024
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Gee, Barry, I am sick for a six for this one. Excellent work and in dialogue only! I'm a self taught historian and appreciate oral family history. I come from a military family too in all wars and branches of service. A pleasure to read this.
Sending you my best today as always and my very best wishes in the contest.
Sally :))
Comment Written 29-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2024
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Always nice to wake up and find a review from you Sally. Glad you enjoyed the read. My grandfather was indeed blessed. A man of few words but plenty of action.
You and your family take care. Unfortunately, it did not place in the competition. No matter it still received a lot of good reviews.
Cheers
Barry.
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Most welcome! My pleasure as always.
Sal :))
Comment from Brenda Strauser
This poem is interesting and well written.you you did a very good with the dialogue. I don't know why. But I don't like writing with a lot of dialogue. Very good job
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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This poem is interesting and well written.you you did a very good with the dialogue. I don't know why. But I don't like writing with a lot of dialogue. Very good job
Comment Written 28-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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Brenda,
Thanks so much for your review. Glad that you liked it. My grandfather was a very blessed man to have survived. I am so glad he did. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think this dialogue piece works very well, there's a nice rhythm to it and rings true.
"Yes Sir. Do I need to wait for a reply? - maybe a comma before Sir. as a direct addressment. (each time it's used)
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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Hi there,
I think this dialogue piece works very well, there's a nice rhythm to it and rings true.
"Yes Sir. Do I need to wait for a reply? - maybe a comma before Sir. as a direct addressment. (each time it's used)
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 28-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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Thanks for the kind review. Glad you enjoyed it, and I will take your suggestion into consideration. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from estory
The tenuous condition of life at the front lines comes through in the crisp dialogue here. It is also very true to life; I can imagine just a conversation taking place in those days. The idea that any moment can be your last, that your life is hanging by a thread held by God just permeates all the conversation here. There's also a degree of sympathy for the front runner by the officer; that last line was poignant. estory
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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The tenuous condition of life at the front lines comes through in the crisp dialogue here. It is also very true to life; I can imagine just a conversation taking place in those days. The idea that any moment can be your last, that your life is hanging by a thread held by God just permeates all the conversation here. There's also a degree of sympathy for the front runner by the officer; that last line was poignant. estory
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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Thanks so much for your comprehensive review. My grandfather was certainly blessed to have survived. I am tempted to write a story about his life. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Gunner Lil
Dialogue only is difficult.
Happy your grandfather made it back home.
Would the captain send a letter or a military message?
Your dialogue is somewhat choppy.
Corporal, get this message to Captain Taylor, Third Battalion, on the front line. I need an address as soon as possible.
Have it flow naturally.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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Dialogue only is difficult.
Happy your grandfather made it back home.
Would the captain send a letter or a military message?
Your dialogue is somewhat choppy.
Corporal, get this message to Captain Taylor, Third Battalion, on the front line. I need an address as soon as possible.
Have it flow naturally.
Good luck.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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thanks for your review and your suggestions as to the flow of dialogue. I will see what I can do. Have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from SimianSavant
** rating upgraded based on edits made by the author **
Nice premise and dialogue. Some minor typos I spotted:
They are currently on the front line" <= missing a period
Although,there have been several times I expected to have a number of bullets up my ass. <= add space after comma
Four of your paragraphs start with an extra space after the quote. Eg " Yes Sir
God's speed typically is written as Godspeed.
You are missing an ending quote on the very end.
These are all minor, and I taken away a star because of the number of them is high enough that it affects the overall presentation. Shoot me back a message after fixing and I will be happy to revise this rating up. Thanks for the read!
SS
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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** rating upgraded based on edits made by the author **
Nice premise and dialogue. Some minor typos I spotted:
They are currently on the front line" <= missing a period
Although,there have been several times I expected to have a number of bullets up my ass. <= add space after comma
Four of your paragraphs start with an extra space after the quote. Eg " Yes Sir
God's speed typically is written as Godspeed.
You are missing an ending quote on the very end.
These are all minor, and I taken away a star because of the number of them is high enough that it affects the overall presentation. Shoot me back a message after fixing and I will be happy to revise this rating up. Thanks for the read!
SS
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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Thanks for your review and your tips as to improvement. It is very helpful. I will make the alterations asap. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
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I checked back and saw that you fixed this, so I've upgraded the review rating : )
SS
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I feel God is doing a lot to help this person get the messages through. God does work miracles. Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us and I want to wish you luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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I feel God is doing a lot to help this person get the messages through. God does work miracles. Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us and I want to wish you luck with the contest.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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Barbara,
Thanks so much for your kind review. Yes, I do believe my grandfather was blessed by Gods presence each time he went out to deliver a message. He was a man of few words. Take care.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from bob cullen
What a fabulous write. The sixth star is earned on two front, firstly, for the quality of the write, and second, for your Grand Father and for his courage and his duty to this country. Most enjoyable. A suggestion. Why not attempt a book on your Grand Dad. He sounds like a good story.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2024
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What a fabulous write. The sixth star is earned on two front, firstly, for the quality of the write, and second, for your Grand Father and for his courage and his duty to this country. Most enjoyable. A suggestion. Why not attempt a book on your Grand Dad. He sounds like a good story.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2024
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Wow, a six star review. Thanks Bob. I am really glad you enjoyed the write. Like how you calculated the six stars. You are right though he was a man of courage and devotion to duty. Such a quite man overall as well. Your idea has merit. there is a good story there for sure.
Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold
