Sandra's Lover
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Bridercare"A macabre crime thriller. Grotesque and detailed.
3 total reviews
Comment from Lea Tonin1
Oh my more mayhem and madness! Joe and buddy interesting characters. You have flushed out very well and make quite believable to me. That is the beauty of your story. Everything is reasonably written while researched and combed out in a believable narrative great job! I see no issues with grammar punctuation Subject matter or sentence structure it's all quite good congratulations on a great read!
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2023
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Oh my more mayhem and madness! Joe and buddy interesting characters. You have flushed out very well and make quite believable to me. That is the beauty of your story. Everything is reasonably written while researched and combed out in a believable narrative great job! I see no issues with grammar punctuation Subject matter or sentence structure it's all quite good congratulations on a great read!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2023
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THANK YOU!
Comment from lancellot
Interesting, but I think the chapter is too short. I suggest more detail and description and feelings of your characters, particularly Buddy. Also some additional editing is needed.
notes:
"Ah maybe next time". Buddy says nervously.
-"Ah maybe next time," Buddy says nervously.
"C'mon Buddy. I won't tell anyone and I will even take the back roads so no one will see you." Joe pleads.
-"C'mon, Buddy. I won't tell anyone, and I will even take the back roads so no one will see you," Joe pleads.
"Oh ok �¢?" fuck it. Lets go" Buddy downs the rest of his energy drink and follows Joe to his car.
-"Oh, ok, fuck it. Let's go." Buddy downs the rest of his energy drink and follows Joe to his car.
I though it was supposed to hop me up but I feel kinda weird."
-I thought it was supposed to hop me up, but I feel kinda weird."
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2023
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Interesting, but I think the chapter is too short. I suggest more detail and description and feelings of your characters, particularly Buddy. Also some additional editing is needed.
notes:
"Ah maybe next time". Buddy says nervously.
-"Ah maybe next time," Buddy says nervously.
"C'mon Buddy. I won't tell anyone and I will even take the back roads so no one will see you." Joe pleads.
-"C'mon, Buddy. I won't tell anyone, and I will even take the back roads so no one will see you," Joe pleads.
"Oh ok �¢?" fuck it. Lets go" Buddy downs the rest of his energy drink and follows Joe to his car.
-"Oh, ok, fuck it. Let's go." Buddy downs the rest of his energy drink and follows Joe to his car.
I though it was supposed to hop me up but I feel kinda weird."
-I thought it was supposed to hop me up, but I feel kinda weird."
Comment Written 15-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2023
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Thank you for your feedback. I will go and make corrections.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I'm sorry I've missed this story previously because I really like the subject and your portrayal and dialogue/thought processes here. It seems loaded with sinister undertones as Joe exerts his unsavoury influence over Buddy. Considering I've just come into the story, I'm hooked already! No errors noted , just a gremlin in the works after "Oh ok. and 4th line from the bottom - though(t) "Well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2023
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I'm sorry I've missed this story previously because I really like the subject and your portrayal and dialogue/thought processes here. It seems loaded with sinister undertones as Joe exerts his unsavoury influence over Buddy. Considering I've just come into the story, I'm hooked already! No errors noted , just a gremlin in the works after "Oh ok. and 4th line from the bottom - though(t) "Well done! Debbie
Comment Written 15-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2023
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Debbie thank you! I appreciate the feedback.
Eileen