Comment from JSD

Excellent

Yes, I feel the Dana episode is definitely put to bed satisfactorily. Her fulsome apology and willingness to take all responsibility and improve as a result is excellent. And the cliffhanger with the invisible person at the end is fantastic. Well done!

 Comment Written 16-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023

Thanks, John. I appreciate hearing your opinion about the Dana episode. We'll be addressing that "cliffhanger" in a few chapters.

Comment from lancellot

Exceptional

I think it's fine. Having Dana repent and change as a person fits more with the style of this overall story. Also, nice way of world building and having your own intertwined universe.

notes:

like this hint moment:
"I think we're one short. Do you think you could bring us another glass?"

She looked at me quizzically but went to retrieve another.


You really should market this to Golf clubs, maybe the gift or club shops there. It is geared towards golfers.

 Comment Written 15-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023

Thanks so much, Lance, for your fine review and for the 6 stars. I appreciate hearing your opinion on the Dana part.

That's a decent idea about marketing it to golf courses. I just might do that if I can't find a traditional publisher for it.

Comment from Pam Lonsdale

Excellent

So, not only are we time-traveling, but conversing with a ghost? That one threw me a bit, but I assume it will become clear to us in the last chapter of this part.

The backstory worked for me - it was seamlessly woven into the story.

 Comment Written 15-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 15-Oct-2023

Not in the last chapter, but a few from now.

Thanks for letting me know about the backstory. I appreciate the input on that.

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Oh no! Art is a ghost? Only the guys can see him but he chooses to be invisible to everyone else?
I am glad that Dana seems to have had a change of heart and hopefully a change in behavior with that new heart. I guess the suit cannot be revealed until it can be patented and marketed properly.

 Comment Written 14-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 14-Oct-2023

Nothing gets by you, Helen.

Very good point about Abby not wanting the suit to be revealed prematurely. That's the main reason she didn't want to come right out and accuse Dana of cheating in front of everybody. She wouldn't have wanted the suit debuted in that way if it were to become exposed.

Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Excellent

Can Mr. Calvin be someone the waitress can't see? I think your method of having Kenny explain what he knows about Dana's changed character works. Also, Abby can use the suit's theft to prove its success when she talks to the investors.

 Comment Written 13-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 13-Oct-2023

Ah, you picked up on that. Very good. Thanks for letting me know your opinion about Dana's self-inflicted punishment, Carol.

Comment from Tom Horonzy

Excellent

I will not comment either way as to the end story. Let Abby ecide that too. Seems she did, and being a near perfect angel her decision rests well for me.
Next is the beginning of another book???????? I might bug off from continuing on. Before Fanstory I never would start and stop a book like those submitted on FS. In fact most tomes are read non-stop.

 Comment Written 13-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 13-Oct-2023

This is a strange way to read a book. As with TV series, I prefer to binge watch them than to watch them an episode at a time when they are originally on. I appreciate that you've stayed with it for as long as you have, Tom.

It's not actually another book coming up, but more the conclusion to this one in Part 4. Here we get to see what the purpose of these time travels has been and what Kevin, Paul, and Ernie plan to do with what they've learned on their travels. As a golfer, you may appreciate what is to come.

reply by Tom Horonzy on 13-Oct-2023

ok

Comment from royowen

Excellent

Yep, it certainly is possible to stop being a shit, and changing direction, if that weren't the case I would still be languishing in the poop I once did, it gives an entry for truth to pervade the world of the perpetual falsehood of life. I love that Dana changed her direction and Abby was wise and gracious with Dana, perhaps there's hope. Blessings Roy

 Comment Written 13-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 13-Oct-2023

I definitely agree there's a way to change your life. It doesn't happen to everyone, and sometimes it means hitting rock bottom before you realize that you are miserable, and it's time for a change. It happened to E.J. in the previous story, Dana too at the end.

reply by royowen on 13-Oct-2023

Isn?t that wonderful?

Comment from Debbie D'Arcy

Excellent

Yes, Jim, it doesn't feel right in this chapter that Dana appears to be getting away with things. No matter how kind and saintly Abby is, the reader expects....:)) I thought there was going to be something really cunning on Abby's part and Dana seemed to see the error of her ways a bit too conveniently. And then there was an unexpected jump back under the trestle. I'm sorry, Jim, you've lost me a bit. That said, I like your ending with the extra glass as we await the explanation for this mystery. Looking forward to learning more. Debbie

 Comment Written 13-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 13-Oct-2023

Thank you for your honest input, Debbie. I knew I would disappoint some readers with this, but it just wouldn't have been my style to write it differently. I'm the eternal optimist and a happy ending kind of guy and like to see villains see the error of their ways and turn their lives around. That's just me, and I understand that that approach is not for everyone.

I do have to figure out a way to make the time jumps stand out more. Although they did go back in the same door they originally came out of when they originally got here from 2032, it may not be that apparent to the reader when they go back into it. Maybe I need for them to hear some sort of sound when they are going through the portal to let the reader know what's happening. I'll have to think about that.

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

This was very interesting, and I can see how you made the move. My only problem was the beginning of Chapter 24 A. It took me awhile to get into the reading because of the jump. I'm not sure, but pretty sure it needs to be a smoother transition. No clue how to do it.

 Comment Written 13-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 13-Oct-2023

Perhaps I need for the travelers to hear a sound or something when they are going through the portal to let the reader know it is coming. Although this is the same door they came out of when they arrived here from 2032, the reader may not realize they are going back in that same door.

Comment from Wayne Fowler

Excellent

Well written. Error free.
"Ain't that the truth?" - I haven't paid that much attention, but this line stood out. Would the upper crust say ain't?
Best wishes.

 Comment Written 13-Oct-2023

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reply by the author on 13-Oct-2023

I guess it depends on their familiarity with each other. They are both down-to-earth guys who've known each other for a long time, so I didn't think it was too off the wall.