A Particular Friendship
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Chippsies and B-B's"We meet Lizzy who has just come out of the convent
10 total reviews
Comment from Judith B.
I think it is very brave to write an autobiography! I could never do it without getting stuck in the bad parts. As you say in your comments later, I do find the narrator and the child's voice confusing but it is very early in the morning so maybe that is my problem. I admire the honesty in your writing and looking at your biography, it seems you put your experiences to good use helping others. You keep the reader engaged in the layers of the story and that is not easy to do. Bravo.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2023
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I think it is very brave to write an autobiography! I could never do it without getting stuck in the bad parts. As you say in your comments later, I do find the narrator and the child's voice confusing but it is very early in the morning so maybe that is my problem. I admire the honesty in your writing and looking at your biography, it seems you put your experiences to good use helping others. You keep the reader engaged in the layers of the story and that is not easy to do. Bravo.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2023
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Thank you for your supportive review. Thisone also, you are welcome to read with no review required. Just enjoy. I am changing all of it to 1st person. I tought it would be awkward in 1st person, but I see it was more awkward for the reader. bwaaa
Comment from aryr
I loved how you gave up on the previous chapter, Liz. Poor Lizzy, didn't know if she was coming or going, she was that confused. Timmy and Teddy with his BB gun were leading in that confusion. To top all off, Lizzy forgot that she got the house that she broke the window. Wow! Very well done and greatly enjoyed. Blessings n Hugs!!!
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2023
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I loved how you gave up on the previous chapter, Liz. Poor Lizzy, didn't know if she was coming or going, she was that confused. Timmy and Teddy with his BB gun were leading in that confusion. To top all off, Lizzy forgot that she got the house that she broke the window. Wow! Very well done and greatly enjoyed. Blessings n Hugs!!!
Comment Written 10-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2023
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Wow, such a rave review. It is so nice to read and know it's coming from such a sweet friend
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You are so very welcome, Liz.
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***Hugs***
Comment from lyenochka
It's fun to see you as a kid and you were so social to be making the effort to play baseball and keep a lookout for bullies. Hooray for all those homeruns!
Comments:
stuffed full, with B-B's (no comma)
I asked Lizzy, (Whenever there's an "I" - I thought it was Lizzy talking so I'm confused how the narrator is asking Lizzy.)
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2023
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It's fun to see you as a kid and you were so social to be making the effort to play baseball and keep a lookout for bullies. Hooray for all those homeruns!
Comments:
stuffed full, with B-B's (no comma)
I asked Lizzy, (Whenever there's an "I" - I thought it was Lizzy talking so I'm confused how the narrator is asking Lizzy.)
Comment Written 09-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2023
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Thank you for your appreciative review. The narrator is basically running the show. Lizzy is almost being interviewed.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Kids can be little tyrants. It seems we quickly decide we decide a pecking order. I was the littlest and sickly, so I was picked last for most things. Except for hide and seek I was a very good hider. You alternate between first person and third person. It is confusing.
But a good story anyway. Karen
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2023
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Kids can be little tyrants. It seems we quickly decide we decide a pecking order. I was the littlest and sickly, so I was picked last for most things. Except for hide and seek I was a very good hider. You alternate between first person and third person. It is confusing.
But a good story anyway. Karen
Comment Written 08-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2023
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Thank you for your involved review. People are confused about the narrator and Lizzy speaking in quotes. I want to have a variety. I couldn't bear to write all of this in 1st person....I... I... I...I...My author-invented narrator carries the story, then Lizzy adds something to have effect. People can look at the quoted stuff & realize it is Lizzy making a point.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing. I really like the story. I suggest you brush up on writing dialogue.
aware his gun was still stuffed full, with B-B's was enough of a (I don't think you need the comma)
"I was sure he must have been almost out of B-B's, and headed back down the hill toward home. We were both slowing and beginning to laugh together. He couldn't stop to steady his aim anymore. He was laughing so hard." (no idea why this is in quotation marks, it's not dialogue and others)
He said we should have our mother get a bunch of them the next time she went to the city." (This is dialogue and should be written - He said, "We should have our mother get a bunch of them the next time she went to the city.")
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2023
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Thank you for sharing. I really like the story. I suggest you brush up on writing dialogue.
aware his gun was still stuffed full, with B-B's was enough of a (I don't think you need the comma)
"I was sure he must have been almost out of B-B's, and headed back down the hill toward home. We were both slowing and beginning to laugh together. He couldn't stop to steady his aim anymore. He was laughing so hard." (no idea why this is in quotation marks, it's not dialogue and others)
He said we should have our mother get a bunch of them the next time she went to the city." (This is dialogue and should be written - He said, "We should have our mother get a bunch of them the next time she went to the city.")
Comment Written 08-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2023
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Thank you for your involved review. The narrator tells the story, but once in a while Lizzy speaks up to make an impression. It's the format I'm using.
Comment from BethShelby
I'm enjoying your story. I mostly write autobiography stories. I got one complete about the years from 17 on to almost the present. It sounds like you had a lot of friends and fun as a kid. When I was growing up all little boys had bb guns but one kid in my class lost an eye from being hit with a bb. When my son was playing with one much later, the man across the street called the cops because he claim they were danger and might hit one of two daughters.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2023
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I'm enjoying your story. I mostly write autobiography stories. I got one complete about the years from 17 on to almost the present. It sounds like you had a lot of friends and fun as a kid. When I was growing up all little boys had bb guns but one kid in my class lost an eye from being hit with a bb. When my son was playing with one much later, the man across the street called the cops because he claim they were danger and might hit one of two daughters.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2023
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Thank you for your involved review. I'm glad you an autobiography begun too. It's sad when kids can't have a B-B gun. Although, my brother couldn't have one because of his temper.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is another lovely walk down Memory Lane for you, Liz, and I can see how it has such a positive and healing effect on you. That amazing friendship you enjoy as children is worth remembering and enjoying when you're older. It tells you many things about yourself and how you unthinkingly embrace differences. It maybe could do with another proof read. I noticed 2 small edits: 1st para - "I thought if (I).." 7th para from the bottom - "hot-bedded" I'm not sure if "hot-beddeded works? But excellently done and thanks for sharing, Liz. Debbie
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2023
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This is another lovely walk down Memory Lane for you, Liz, and I can see how it has such a positive and healing effect on you. That amazing friendship you enjoy as children is worth remembering and enjoying when you're older. It tells you many things about yourself and how you unthinkingly embrace differences. It maybe could do with another proof read. I noticed 2 small edits: 1st para - "I thought if (I).." 7th para from the bottom - "hot-bedded" I'm not sure if "hot-beddeded works? But excellently done and thanks for sharing, Liz. Debbie
Comment Written 08-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2023
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Oh, it's flat bedded...Oooof. I think that was a spelling suggestion. It is right in my original copy. I saw another. They changed chippsies to chippies. Whaaat??
Thank you for your alert review. I had a great 21/2 hour phone call with Teddy. It was fun.
the phrase flat-bedded is the correct one
Comment from Jay Squires
I really enjoyed this chapter, Liz. Your child-like voice was carried well in the manuscript. A few minor things:
if they themselves, ever spotted another groups' kickball [Group is already plural, so the apostrophe should go before the "s".]
they saw a house being flat-beddeded down their street, [... saw a house being flat-bedded...]
I'm enjoying this!
Jay
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2023
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I really enjoyed this chapter, Liz. Your child-like voice was carried well in the manuscript. A few minor things:
if they themselves, ever spotted another groups' kickball [Group is already plural, so the apostrophe should go before the "s".]
they saw a house being flat-beddeded down their street, [... saw a house being flat-bedded...]
I'm enjoying this!
Jay
Comment Written 07-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2023
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Thank you for your delightful review.
Comment from Lea Tonin1
What a cute chapter that was! So very well written. Sounds like Lizzie likes sports quite a bit! That's a good thing. I was support minded girl as well.
I've never heard the term chippsies before what does that mean?
I smile while reading this and envisioning the players in your story. Smiles are hard to come by sometimes so I thank you for this one and I think you write supremely. Well, there's no doubt in what you're trying to say. And the players in the story are quite vivid and believable. I see no issues with grammar, spelling sentence structure, or subject matter. I think it's very well put togather and I write a couple of these. I think you've got some magic here! I hope you have a great night!
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2023
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What a cute chapter that was! So very well written. Sounds like Lizzie likes sports quite a bit! That's a good thing. I was support minded girl as well.
I've never heard the term chippsies before what does that mean?
I smile while reading this and envisioning the players in your story. Smiles are hard to come by sometimes so I thank you for this one and I think you write supremely. Well, there's no doubt in what you're trying to say. And the players in the story are quite vivid and believable. I see no issues with grammar, spelling sentence structure, or subject matter. I think it's very well put togather and I write a couple of these. I think you've got some magic here! I hope you have a great night!
Comment Written 07-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2023
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Thank you for your delightful review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from gramalot8
I bet it is fun to write your memories in a storyline. I really could see your neighborhood kids playing together with your great descriptive words. What a fun group of friends. Tough to have that house get in the way of your ball games. Have fun as you continue to write your autobiography. Thanks for sharing this with us.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2023
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I bet it is fun to write your memories in a storyline. I really could see your neighborhood kids playing together with your great descriptive words. What a fun group of friends. Tough to have that house get in the way of your ball games. Have fun as you continue to write your autobiography. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2023
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Thank you for your delightful review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
