Black Rocks
Black produces many different reactions4 total reviews
Comment from GregoryCody
eight-legged widows
sleek panther in the shadows
black rocks, at times shocks
Boom.
Wow this is GOOD. 5-7-5 always seems like a novelty kind of poem. But wow did you nail it.
So much so that I didn't even Know it was in a specific count. That's Huge! I loved it on its own.
Black rocks shock is good. Gowns envy frowns too!
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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eight-legged widows
sleek panther in the shadows
black rocks, at times shocks
Boom.
Wow this is GOOD. 5-7-5 always seems like a novelty kind of poem. But wow did you nail it.
So much so that I didn't even Know it was in a specific count. That's Huge! I loved it on its own.
Black rocks shock is good. Gowns envy frowns too!
Comment Written 17-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Thanks for the high rating, I appreciate the support!
Comment from Andrea Kepple
I like how you structured your poem. I could feel the poem picking up speed as I was reading through it, hurtling me through until the last word. The miniature black panther I share my life with strongly approves of this poem.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2023
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I like how you structured your poem. I could feel the poem picking up speed as I was reading through it, hurtling me through until the last word. The miniature black panther I share my life with strongly approves of this poem.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2023
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Thank you for the kind words .. I'm glad my wee poem delighted you.
The first reviewer suggested I change the two last stanzas because they seemed more like a list of things than a poem to her
..but I said I liked the rhyming element so I would leave it as it is.
She was helpful regarding two typos though.
The world is interesting because opinions vary.
Take care!
Comment from Paul Manton
I like this poem very much - but I have one question which is important, regarding the 'refrain'. And then maybe another. (Later)
The multi-illustration works well, and the triple haiku is an exploration of 'blackness'.
The first verse considers the cool effect of beautiful black dresses, de rigeur at formal functions, or for musicians in orchestras - plus the chic of 'the little black number', designed to turn grown men to mush.
The second considers the extreme danger of deadly creatures, and the third looks at the harbingers of doom and the supernatural connections with black.
Normally we use 'black' pejoratively (setting aside its racial connections, which have nothing to do with this poem.) viz. a 'black-hearted villain' - and from a century ago, a 'blackguard' (pron. 'blaggard') but you have given the word a more rounded 'outing', which has made it more interesting too.
Eventually, my question about your refrain. You may not wish to change it, but it is grammatically incorrect (each time) and that might bias the judges against it. 'Black rocks' is plural, so the verb agreeing with it should be 'shock' and not 'shocks'. So you get a choice of 'black rocks at times shock' OR 'black rock, at times shocks'. Your choice.
But then you have another disqualification problem: as this is full haiku and not just 5-7-5, you must have no punctuation or capitals whatever, and a dash - at the end of every second line. You have done almost all those (well done) but now you need to remove all commas and put the dashes in.
Sorry I have kept you so long - this is three times longer than I intended, but if it helps you win, it will have been worth it!
Paul
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023
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I like this poem very much - but I have one question which is important, regarding the 'refrain'. And then maybe another. (Later)
The multi-illustration works well, and the triple haiku is an exploration of 'blackness'.
The first verse considers the cool effect of beautiful black dresses, de rigeur at formal functions, or for musicians in orchestras - plus the chic of 'the little black number', designed to turn grown men to mush.
The second considers the extreme danger of deadly creatures, and the third looks at the harbingers of doom and the supernatural connections with black.
Normally we use 'black' pejoratively (setting aside its racial connections, which have nothing to do with this poem.) viz. a 'black-hearted villain' - and from a century ago, a 'blackguard' (pron. 'blaggard') but you have given the word a more rounded 'outing', which has made it more interesting too.
Eventually, my question about your refrain. You may not wish to change it, but it is grammatically incorrect (each time) and that might bias the judges against it. 'Black rocks' is plural, so the verb agreeing with it should be 'shock' and not 'shocks'. So you get a choice of 'black rocks at times shock' OR 'black rock, at times shocks'. Your choice.
But then you have another disqualification problem: as this is full haiku and not just 5-7-5, you must have no punctuation or capitals whatever, and a dash - at the end of every second line. You have done almost all those (well done) but now you need to remove all commas and put the dashes in.
Sorry I have kept you so long - this is three times longer than I intended, but if it helps you win, it will have been worth it!
Paul
Comment Written 14-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023
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Thank you for the detailed review. I'm glad you found the my poem interesting. I appreciate all the points you put forth.
I posted my entry yesterday and the deadline was already 9 hours ago.
It's best I leave it now.. sometimes I do edit but within an hour/ max two hours after the deadline.
Too much time has passed.
Hopefully, the committee is lenient.
PS. I wanted to gift you a nomination to thank you for the helpful feedback but it bounced back .. I can't give a second nomination to the same person in the same month
apparently. (sigh)
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Yes - sadly not. Hope I can do as well in September.
Thank you for the kind comments.
Comment from Eleri
This Haiku suite is based on a great idea but there are a couple of mistakes in it. Firstly I think you mean 'gowns' in the first stanza not 'growns' and secondly the first line of your third stanza has six syllables not five as ravens has two. Finally the last two stanzas do feel a bit like lists rather than poetic utterances. There is nothing wrong with that but you might want to think about it a bit more.
Good luck in the competition
Eleri
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2023
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This Haiku suite is based on a great idea but there are a couple of mistakes in it. Firstly I think you mean 'gowns' in the first stanza not 'growns' and secondly the first line of your third stanza has six syllables not five as ravens has two. Finally the last two stanzas do feel a bit like lists rather than poetic utterances. There is nothing wrong with that but you might want to think about it a bit more.
Good luck in the competition
Eleri
Comment Written 13-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2023
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Thank you, I edited.
I'm going to leave the "list" seeing I like the rhyme which is what I was focused on.