Saving Mr. Calvin
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Saving Mr. Calvin - Chapter 14"Golf's legacy and future
11 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
These kids are amazing - hardworking and really focused on spreading their newly invented game! I especially liked that Arie is depicted in some of the demonstration pictures so that encouraged the women and girls to attend the game. If only more of that was done in the past...!
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
  |
These kids are amazing - hardworking and really focused on spreading their newly invented game! I especially liked that Arie is depicted in some of the demonstration pictures so that encouraged the women and girls to attend the game. If only more of that was done in the past...!
Comment Written 01-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
-
You'll see how their dedication to and fascination with the game will have a bigger role in the overall story if you stay with it.
I love writing Arie's part in the story. She is just so much fun to write about--the way she looks at things, how cute she looks and the things she admits, her unique logic, her strength and intelligence, and especially her sweet, mothering nature to Ruben as she has always called him. That's probably my favorite thing.
Comment from Carol Clark2
The teens have worked very hard to set up a good demonstration of this new game. Suggestion: rework the sentence beginning "I was the kolfer who ..." ("She sketched me in various positions" might be less cumbersome.) Also, how would they copy the picture? Not much action in this chapter, so it could maybe be shortened a bit. Have a blessed week. Carol
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
|
The teens have worked very hard to set up a good demonstration of this new game. Suggestion: rework the sentence beginning "I was the kolfer who ..." ("She sketched me in various positions" might be less cumbersome.) Also, how would they copy the picture? Not much action in this chapter, so it could maybe be shortened a bit. Have a blessed week. Carol
Comment Written 01-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
-
I liked your suggestions, Carol. Thank you. I clarified the copying process. (It was a Xerox model 1247 B-series that she used.) :)
-
Good job on the edits!
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
The kolfers have some really good ideas to drum up interest. The idea of Arie hitting the ball over Kilian's head still seems a little dangerous. Their ideas seem to have worked out.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
|
The kolfers have some really good ideas to drum up interest. The idea of Arie hitting the ball over Kilian's head still seems a little dangerous. Their ideas seem to have worked out.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
-
It is a bit dangerous and takes great faith in the kolfer. I have seen videos of Phil Mickelson doing this with Dave Pelz. Quite impressive.
Comment from Jay Squires
You know where I think I'm misreading the intent of this novel, Jim. It is entertaining, as I've said before, but my expectations of a romance and the intensity of conflict may be unjustified. Except for the first chapter or two which were, of course, present-day and with a literal cliffhanger that prophesied death or maiming ... the rest of this novel is targeted, I believe, for the youth market -- I mean the 7-13 age group (just the far side away from tiny lovable animals as characters) where sex is not a fixation, in fact, would be a distraction. Now, please don't take that as a put-down. There is a heckuva market for that kind of fiction! And it seems to be such a comfortable fit -- minus the golf cart incident. Just a thought.
Once she had drawn the initial set, she copied them many times. [And how would that have been done back then]
Working so closely on his sign next to Lotte, Lard grew quite fond of her, [I do believe you meant Lars]
I assume Lotte will not play a significant role in future chapters since she's not included in the index.
and plenty of mead to drink. [Out of curiosity, is mead alcoholic?]
Something bad's gonna happen on the farm, right?
Jay
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
|
You know where I think I'm misreading the intent of this novel, Jim. It is entertaining, as I've said before, but my expectations of a romance and the intensity of conflict may be unjustified. Except for the first chapter or two which were, of course, present-day and with a literal cliffhanger that prophesied death or maiming ... the rest of this novel is targeted, I believe, for the youth market -- I mean the 7-13 age group (just the far side away from tiny lovable animals as characters) where sex is not a fixation, in fact, would be a distraction. Now, please don't take that as a put-down. There is a heckuva market for that kind of fiction! And it seems to be such a comfortable fit -- minus the golf cart incident. Just a thought.
Once she had drawn the initial set, she copied them many times. [And how would that have been done back then]
Working so closely on his sign next to Lotte, Lard grew quite fond of her, [I do believe you meant Lars]
I assume Lotte will not play a significant role in future chapters since she's not included in the index.
and plenty of mead to drink. [Out of curiosity, is mead alcoholic?]
Something bad's gonna happen on the farm, right?
Jay
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
-
That's actually a very good thought, Jay. My wife agrees with you about the YA feel of the story so far, and I actually do too. There will be a bit of sex later on, but only in veiled references.
I haven't been too worried about where this novel would fit into the broader market. The age of these characters just seemed right to me for this part of the story. When we get to other time periods, the characters will be getting older.
The emphasis is still really on the golf aspect and the impact it is having on its practitioners. We won't truly get a feel for this or what the time travel was all about until we get back to the present (actually the future-2032), for good, in Part 4. I hope you'll bear with me through this journey when all (including the impending death scene from the beginning) will be made clear.
Unfortunately, Lotte did not have a copy machine (or even carbon paper), so her method of copying was by hand all over again.
We'll drop the nickname Lard fairly soon from Kilian's vocabulary (but not from Rube's who will continue to call him Lard).
Not including Lotte in the index was an oversight. I put her there now where she belongs. She will become the first golf course architect.
Yes, mead, by various accounts, ranges from 3.5% to about 20% alcohol.
The beginnings of something bad will happen on the farm, but reach its fruition at the fair. (little sneak preview there)
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, I think the writing is good. There may be bit too much narration, but I guess that can't be helped. The only way around that would be to have a character stand-in for the reader, and have another character explain things as naturally as possible. Or comment to each other what is happening and how they feel about it.
Have you given any thought to your characters modern behavior, language, skills and free time given the period they are in?
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
|
Hmm, I think the writing is good. There may be bit too much narration, but I guess that can't be helped. The only way around that would be to have a character stand-in for the reader, and have another character explain things as naturally as possible. Or comment to each other what is happening and how they feel about it.
Have you given any thought to your characters modern behavior, language, skills and free time given the period they are in?
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
-
My goodness. You've come back without even a cat in the picture! :)
Yes, I've been a little concerned about the amount of narration in chapter 14 and then again later in parts of 15 and in 16 which aren't out yet, but these are the exceptions and are only that way so as to condense those parts. I will definitely consider your suggestions when working on a second draft, this being an in-progress first draft.
I had to make a decision about the language in the story. I could have opted for more time-specific language or forgotten about it entirely and written it all in modern English. I chose an intermediate approach where there are some Dutch words and a more formal spoken language than folks these days speak. Not sure if this is the best approach, but it's easier to write. Perhaps that's a cop-out, but I'm lazy and didn't want to take the time that a more colloquial approach would have required, nor did I want to make it totally modern.
I admit it is somewhat unrealistic in terms of free time, as I'm sure peasants worked much harder than my boys seem to. Arie is not strictly a peasant. Her father is a landowner like her uncle, but not a particularly rich one, so she still has some responsibility to do farm work, but not as much work as a true peasant like Kilian. I'm not really sure if that scenario is realistic, but it works for me.
It's always been presumed that golf was created by some shepherd in Scotland using his crook as a club and batting stones during his free time while his sheep didn't need much attention, so I kept to that idea. They won't have as much free time during lambing and shearing seasons, though, when golf will be curtailed, but I don't really get into that.
I hope you stay with me, Lance. I always appreciate your thoughtful reviews. They get me to really think about things as I'm writing.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I am reminded here of how difficult and time-consuming things were to accomplish in this time period. "Once she had drawn the initial set, she copied them many times."
Not sure what Knucklebones or Hazard are, but yikes!
Sounds like the demonstration is going to be a massive hit. Of course, what else do people have to do in 1247? This would be exciting stuff!
A short read today, Jim. Looking forward to seeing what actually happens at Oom Gerrit's farm.
Pam
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
|
I am reminded here of how difficult and time-consuming things were to accomplish in this time period. "Once she had drawn the initial set, she copied them many times."
Not sure what Knucklebones or Hazard are, but yikes!
Sounds like the demonstration is going to be a massive hit. Of course, what else do people have to do in 1247? This would be exciting stuff!
A short read today, Jim. Looking forward to seeing what actually happens at Oom Gerrit's farm.
Pam
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
-
Oh for a copy machine, or even graph paper. I don't think the printing press was even invented then, was it?
Hazard was a game with dice, and knucklebones used bones from a sheep's foot and was similar to today's game of jacks.
Some trouble will be brewing...
Comment from barbara.wilkey
It sounds as if everything is ready for this big event. I can't wait to read about it and see how well it works. Although, I have very little doubt it will come off perfectly.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
|
It sounds as if everything is ready for this big event. I can't wait to read about it and see how well it works. Although, I have very little doubt it will come off perfectly.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
-
Well, it will and it won't. Have to wait and see.
Comment from royowen
The boys and Arie have advertised and have taken their new invented game of kolf to the general public, they've made some rules to give it substance, and they've created a goal hole, with the least strokes as the winning player, beautifully written Jim, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
|
The boys and Arie have advertised and have taken their new invented game of kolf to the general public, they've made some rules to give it substance, and they've created a goal hole, with the least strokes as the winning player, beautifully written Jim, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
-
So, what could go wrong, right? Stay tuned.
-
Heh heh
Comment from JSD
Ooh, so exciting. I'm looking forward to getting on that 10am ride. I know it's all going to go so well as your story seems only happy.
John
"Poetry is the space between words."
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
|
Ooh, so exciting. I'm looking forward to getting on that 10am ride. I know it's all going to go so well as your story seems only happy.
John
"Poetry is the space between words."
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
-
Oh, no! It will soon be taking an evil turn. Can't have all happiness and light.
Comment from Paul Manton
Hello and good morning Jim. While I remember, please add Lotte to your cast list - she's such a pleasant addition the story.
Well, this is the best one yet! The story rattles along pleasantly and eminently logically - and that is its strength: you have planned it so well. By which I mean, you have left nothing out - all the narrative is essential and relevant.
The introduction of Lotte is a real positive - and the various 'friendships' at this early stage, are tantalizing. The demarcation of people and their tasks is a strong thread in the story. The same goes for the meals (made me feel really hungry!) and the instructions for and demonstration of the new game.
Thoroughly engrossing, Jim. I look forward to 'the game'!
Paul
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
|
Hello and good morning Jim. While I remember, please add Lotte to your cast list - she's such a pleasant addition the story.
Well, this is the best one yet! The story rattles along pleasantly and eminently logically - and that is its strength: you have planned it so well. By which I mean, you have left nothing out - all the narrative is essential and relevant.
The introduction of Lotte is a real positive - and the various 'friendships' at this early stage, are tantalizing. The demarcation of people and their tasks is a strong thread in the story. The same goes for the meals (made me feel really hungry!) and the instructions for and demonstration of the new game.
Thoroughly engrossing, Jim. I look forward to 'the game'!
Paul
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
-
Glad you're enjoying this so, Paul. The real, in-depth game will come closer to the end of Part 1 where we will have a bona-fide tournament. That will be at next year's fair.
-
Greta stuff!