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Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Old Lady"A Flash Fiction Collection
35 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
The reader will grow in endearment toward her:
"Eighty-year-old Mildred stood in the hall and clutched her chest. "Lord!" & "Mildred leaned heavily on her walker as she stepped through the door. She deserves an Emmy. This was a delightful irony. A+
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2023
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The reader will grow in endearment toward her:
"Eighty-year-old Mildred stood in the hall and clutched her chest. "Lord!" & "Mildred leaned heavily on her walker as she stepped through the door. She deserves an Emmy. This was a delightful irony. A+
Comment Written 03-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2023
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Thank you very much.
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excellent
Comment from Mary Vigasin
Ah, the unsuspecting old lady as the killer. This was perfect; who would suspect a poor frail old lady in a walker?
I bowl with a bunch of seniors, and while none of them are killers (that I know of) I would not want to tangle with them if I got on their bad side.
A clever and well-told story.
Best regards,
Mary
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2023
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Ah, the unsuspecting old lady as the killer. This was perfect; who would suspect a poor frail old lady in a walker?
I bowl with a bunch of seniors, and while none of them are killers (that I know of) I would not want to tangle with them if I got on their bad side.
A clever and well-told story.
Best regards,
Mary
Comment Written 29-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2023
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Thank you very much.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Oh my gosh. For flash fiction you garnered several emotions from me. First suspicion, who was in the closet? Next, anger, what gave Mildred the right to kill an officer? Then chills as she whispered in the second officer's ear. Then that Oh shit moment when the officer on the street helped her walk away. Really good. Sorry I'm out of sixes. Gretchen
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2023
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Oh my gosh. For flash fiction you garnered several emotions from me. First suspicion, who was in the closet? Next, anger, what gave Mildred the right to kill an officer? Then chills as she whispered in the second officer's ear. Then that Oh shit moment when the officer on the street helped her walk away. Really good. Sorry I'm out of sixes. Gretchen
Comment Written 29-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2023
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Thank you very much.
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Nice job on this flash fiction. I usually don't care for flash fiction, but this piece grabbed me right off. I couldn't read fast enough to find out what happened. Mildred was an excellent antagonist. In just a small space, and even fewer words, you told the reader everything we needed to know about her. There was no excess verbiage that slowed down, or stopped, the forward motion of the story. There wasn't anything to cause the reader to lose interest and quit reading.
You did switch tenses back and forth, throughout the story. Sometimes in the same sentence. The whole piece should be the same tense. I picked one sentence to show what I mean:
* You wrote, 'Standing (present) in the hall eighty-year-old Mildred clutched (past) her chest. "Lord!" ' Suggest a small rewrite to make it work: Eighty-year-old Mildred stood (past) in the hall and clutched (past) her chest. "Lord!' It is a much stronger sentence and has a stronger impact when it is just one tense.
Just a small spag:
* You wrote, "A young(,) black man ran inside." Need comma where indicated.
This was a great flash fiction story. It had a great twist along with some surprises. I didn't feel as though I could award high stars due to switched tenses throughout the piece.
Suzanne
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2023
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Nice job on this flash fiction. I usually don't care for flash fiction, but this piece grabbed me right off. I couldn't read fast enough to find out what happened. Mildred was an excellent antagonist. In just a small space, and even fewer words, you told the reader everything we needed to know about her. There was no excess verbiage that slowed down, or stopped, the forward motion of the story. There wasn't anything to cause the reader to lose interest and quit reading.
You did switch tenses back and forth, throughout the story. Sometimes in the same sentence. The whole piece should be the same tense. I picked one sentence to show what I mean:
* You wrote, 'Standing (present) in the hall eighty-year-old Mildred clutched (past) her chest. "Lord!" ' Suggest a small rewrite to make it work: Eighty-year-old Mildred stood (past) in the hall and clutched (past) her chest. "Lord!' It is a much stronger sentence and has a stronger impact when it is just one tense.
Just a small spag:
* You wrote, "A young(,) black man ran inside." Need comma where indicated.
This was a great flash fiction story. It had a great twist along with some surprises. I didn't feel as though I could award high stars due to switched tenses throughout the piece.
Suzanne
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2023
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Thank you very much. I see what you mean. Don't know how I missed those. Much appreciated.
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It is so very easy to make silly mistakes. I once wrote an entire story in the passive tense. I was completely shocked when a reviewer brought it to my attention. I couldn't believe I did such a thing!
Comment from BethShelby
The perfect disguise for a killer on the loose. An old lady with a walker. Who would suspect her. I wouldn't be at all surprised. Killers come in all shapes and sizes. Nicely written short story.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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The perfect disguise for a killer on the loose. An old lady with a walker. Who would suspect her. I wouldn't be at all surprised. Killers come in all shapes and sizes. Nicely written short story.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Julie Lau
A great story and well-told. Amazing what an old girl on a walker can get away with, isn't it? I'm a fairly new member and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Sincerely, Julie Lau
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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A great story and well-told. Amazing what an old girl on a walker can get away with, isn't it? I'm a fairly new member and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Sincerely, Julie Lau
Comment Written 28-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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Thank you very much.
Comment from w.j.debi
Talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing. The old lady is counting on the fact no one will even think to suspect her because she looks so frail and innocent. She needs protection so they scoot her out of the way.
Excellent storytelling. You make Mildred seem so harmless until she isn't. And then she appears so harmless again. Excellent details like the warmth of breath and the smell of Bengay. A chilling ending as the sly old lady exits the scene.
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Talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing. The old lady is counting on the fact no one will even think to suspect her because she looks so frail and innocent. She needs protection so they scoot her out of the way.
Excellent storytelling. You make Mildred seem so harmless until she isn't. And then she appears so harmless again. Excellent details like the warmth of breath and the smell of Bengay. A chilling ending as the sly old lady exits the scene.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2023
Comment from royowen
Heh heh, now that's a thought, perhaps that's one way of getting away with it, if we disguise ourselves as an ageing person we can get away with anything! Beautifully written, a little gem my friend, good luck, blessings Roy
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Heh heh, now that's a thought, perhaps that's one way of getting away with it, if we disguise ourselves as an ageing person we can get away with anything! Beautifully written, a little gem my friend, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 27-Mar-2023
Comment from Mintybee
Well, that was chilling. It examines our expectations, as the police buy Mildred's story without hesitation. Everyone wants to help the helpless old lady, but she's the real danger. This story gives a motivation, for Robbie, without being heavy-handed and having the villain monologue. Well done.
Mintybee
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Well, that was chilling. It examines our expectations, as the police buy Mildred's story without hesitation. Everyone wants to help the helpless old lady, but she's the real danger. This story gives a motivation, for Robbie, without being heavy-handed and having the villain monologue. Well done.
Mintybee
Comment Written 27-Mar-2023
Comment from Spitfire
Killers come in all sizes and ages. As always, your writing skill shows itself in the wording of details. I laughed at the ending with the police trying to warn Mildred.
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Killers come in all sizes and ages. As always, your writing skill shows itself in the wording of details. I laughed at the ending with the police trying to warn Mildred.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2023