Freedom's Fight
Emmet potlatch2 total reviews
Comment from Fleedleflump
I love this - there's a combined sense of celebration and awareness - of hope and lessons learnt. Beautifully phrased.
Couple of thoughts (and apologies if I've misunderstood):
The repetition of exudes in lines one and three does work in terms of line three being an extension of the introductory thought, but it feels a little as though it weakens the usage.
'The fought against strong-willed king
Fought so they could rule their fates
Against a ruler who couldn't brake' - I think the opening word is meant to be 'they' and the closing word 'break' - but again, I may have miscunstrued.
I loved the poem either way.
Mike
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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I love this - there's a combined sense of celebration and awareness - of hope and lessons learnt. Beautifully phrased.
Couple of thoughts (and apologies if I've misunderstood):
The repetition of exudes in lines one and three does work in terms of line three being an extension of the introductory thought, but it feels a little as though it weakens the usage.
'The fought against strong-willed king
Fought so they could rule their fates
Against a ruler who couldn't brake' - I think the opening word is meant to be 'they' and the closing word 'break' - but again, I may have miscunstrued.
I loved the poem either way.
Mike
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the reivew and the suggestions, Mike.
The use of exudes is part of the form
Which says the first line is five words and each succeeding line has to start with the like word. (i.e. line two has to start with the second word of the first line...)
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Oh, of course - I knew that and still missed it, lol. Apologies :-)
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That's fine, Mike.
Joan
Comment from lyenochka
Great job with your Fourth of July Emmet poem, Joan. I liked your observation of celebration in the colorful sky.
To remember past freedom's fight (the "To" should be "Thanks" according to the first line)
Yearly sitting along lakes banks (lake) as an adjective for 'banks'
Against a ruler who couldn't brake (break)
The fought against strong-willed king (They)
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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Great job with your Fourth of July Emmet poem, Joan. I liked your observation of celebration in the colorful sky.
To remember past freedom's fight (the "To" should be "Thanks" according to the first line)
Yearly sitting along lakes banks (lake) as an adjective for 'banks'
Against a ruler who couldn't brake (break)
The fought against strong-willed king (They)
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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Helen,
Thanks for the review and the editing. I will make the changes.
Joan