I Believe Mom And Dad.
Playing With Fire Is Bad...3 total reviews
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
I appreciate the sentiment and I agree with you that we should be thankful in all things, but I don't read any lessons you learned from Mom or Dad other than 'don't play with fire.'
Stanzas 4, 5 and 6 I know go with each other but the way they are positioned makes it difficult to maintain a consistent thought.
Yes, be thankful in all things.
   |
I appreciate the sentiment and I agree with you that we should be thankful in all things, but I don't read any lessons you learned from Mom or Dad other than 'don't play with fire.'
Stanzas 4, 5 and 6 I know go with each other but the way they are positioned makes it difficult to maintain a consistent thought.
Yes, be thankful in all things.
Comment Written 13-May-2022
Comment from humpwhistle
Yes, we'd all do well to heed our parents' advice about playing with fire--in the metaphorical sense, as well as the literal. Jesus and Smokey the Bear both agree on this topic.
You may want to have another look at lines 3 and 4. Just a bit awkward.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
|
Yes, we'd all do well to heed our parents' advice about playing with fire--in the metaphorical sense, as well as the literal. Jesus and Smokey the Bear both agree on this topic.
You may want to have another look at lines 3 and 4. Just a bit awkward.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 11-May-2022
Comment from Fleedleflump
I very much like the theme and message you're conveying here and the simplicity of a message often buried beneath perceived complications.
There are some areas I think need tweaking:
'Fun I will have none' feels like reversed phrasing just to meet the intended rhyme. It could work with a comma after 'Fun'
The comma after 'burn' is unnecessary - it causes a pause where you don't want one. Same goes for the commas in subsequent paragraphs after father and then time.
I hope that helps.
Mike
|
I very much like the theme and message you're conveying here and the simplicity of a message often buried beneath perceived complications.
There are some areas I think need tweaking:
'Fun I will have none' feels like reversed phrasing just to meet the intended rhyme. It could work with a comma after 'Fun'
The comma after 'burn' is unnecessary - it causes a pause where you don't want one. Same goes for the commas in subsequent paragraphs after father and then time.
I hope that helps.
Mike
Comment Written 11-May-2022