Leave of Absence
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Pressure Wash"Troopers life spins out of control over his family
13 total reviews
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
forestport12:
Luke was not quite as far gone as he thought as he did not actually crush Hughes with his own car. It would seem that two families were likely destroyed by the death of Luke's daughter.
jan
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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forestport12:
Luke was not quite as far gone as he thought as he did not actually crush Hughes with his own car. It would seem that two families were likely destroyed by the death of Luke's daughter.
jan
Comment Written 30-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Thanks Jan!
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Wow. This is such a departure from your regular fare - or what I've thought of as your regular fare. Probably just me pigeon-holing you - sorry about that! Obviously, you are as good with current times as with those Westerns.
Notes:
1.) (At) least she didn't shoot him.
2.) promise to leave you be from now on. But he wasn't sure he could.
--> need a solid ending to the note and quote marks
3.) that sucks in the air and leaves (your) mind in a vortex
4.) Luke watched her grab the ball (and) hold (it) in her hand like a goalie might.
5.) handed her off (onto) a gurney.
6.) And with-it with it, Luke and the rest of his family
--> just checking if you wanted to double up at the front
7.) Hodges(') daughter grew up, she went to the prom,
--> somewhere else before this, too. I forgot to mark it
8.) "I bet this car can do (zero) to sixty in three seconds," (s)aid Luke.
I really enjoyed watching the emotions playing over this guy. He's been dealt a series of bad hands - I'm not sure yet how much he is to blame for. But I get the turmoil. Great job!
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Stan,
Wow. This is such a departure from your regular fare - or what I've thought of as your regular fare. Probably just me pigeon-holing you - sorry about that! Obviously, you are as good with current times as with those Westerns.
Notes:
1.) (At) least she didn't shoot him.
2.) promise to leave you be from now on. But he wasn't sure he could.
--> need a solid ending to the note and quote marks
3.) that sucks in the air and leaves (your) mind in a vortex
4.) Luke watched her grab the ball (and) hold (it) in her hand like a goalie might.
5.) handed her off (onto) a gurney.
6.) And with-it with it, Luke and the rest of his family
--> just checking if you wanted to double up at the front
7.) Hodges(') daughter grew up, she went to the prom,
--> somewhere else before this, too. I forgot to mark it
8.) "I bet this car can do (zero) to sixty in three seconds," (s)aid Luke.
I really enjoyed watching the emotions playing over this guy. He's been dealt a series of bad hands - I'm not sure yet how much he is to blame for. But I get the turmoil. Great job!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2021
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Stan.
From one point of tension to the next, you made the story interesting and intriguing. At fist maybe there was a chance of reconciliation, but that was resolved in the first 250 words. Then came the second tension and it was elevated far above the first. I found some typos but others saw the same ones. The creativity is outstanding and the tension with Hodges is quite a surprise as it was portrayed.
Robert
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Hello Stan.
From one point of tension to the next, you made the story interesting and intriguing. At fist maybe there was a chance of reconciliation, but that was resolved in the first 250 words. Then came the second tension and it was elevated far above the first. I found some typos but others saw the same ones. The creativity is outstanding and the tension with Hodges is quite a surprise as it was portrayed.
Robert
Comment Written 30-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Thanks again Robert!
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You bet Stan.
Comment from ShirleyT1
Wow! What an amazing and sit on the edge of your seat kind of chapter you've written. The straw that finally broke Luke's mental stability finally surfaces. Great action writing! Just WOW!
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Wow! What an amazing and sit on the edge of your seat kind of chapter you've written. The straw that finally broke Luke's mental stability finally surfaces. Great action writing! Just WOW!
Comment Written 28-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Thanks for the great review! Sometimes you can get a review and wonder if they were all in on the story. Means so much. Very encouraging to know.
Comment from amahra
Good chapter and a good back story about what's eating at Luke. It's kind of hard to believe this guy lived down the street from the little girl's (whom he accidentally killed) parents for 11 years. And what took Luke so long to flip out on this guy? Not trying to write your story...just curious. :) Just afew things below:
Luke sprang from [the] bed and listened.
And with-it [with it,] Luke and the rest of his family died a much slower death. [get rid of extra words 'with it']
Hodges had a good [a] lawyer and no prior record. [delete 'a']
His eyes darted back [and] forth, maybe hoping someone sees the crazy neighbor.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Good chapter and a good back story about what's eating at Luke. It's kind of hard to believe this guy lived down the street from the little girl's (whom he accidentally killed) parents for 11 years. And what took Luke so long to flip out on this guy? Not trying to write your story...just curious. :) Just afew things below:
Luke sprang from [the] bed and listened.
And with-it [with it,] Luke and the rest of his family died a much slower death. [get rid of extra words 'with it']
Hodges had a good [a] lawyer and no prior record. [delete 'a']
His eyes darted back [and] forth, maybe hoping someone sees the crazy neighbor.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Thanks for the honest and healthy review. I like that you question how something fits or is reasonable. I think that is important to a review and often overlooked. It also tells me that you've paid attention through out. I'm trying to show how he was so devoted to making their relationship work and more or less a super trooper, that once those two stabilizers failed, then that was the catalyst to have a break down. Let me know what you think? I respect your opinions, good, bad, or ugly.
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Oh, yeah, ok that makes sense. So he feels he has nothing left and he blames this guy not just for killing his daughter but for going on with his life when he (Luke) has no life to go on to. Ok. Gotcha! Can you add a little dialogue in his thoughts prior to confronting his daughter's killer? You know, for a bit of clarity. Once he reads his wife's note, he looks out the window and sees this guy and his meltdown starts with those thoughts? But you don't have to do it, because perhaps, I'm the only reader who didn't get it. So I don't want you to think your story and writing aren't good, because they are and it might just be me.
Comment from lancellot
The trials of a broken man. No way Luke is not going to prison now. And for an ex-cop he is in for an entirely different kind of hell. Good stuff.
notes:
"Dear Share: I love you, and will always love you, but I've abandoned this family. I know it's all my fault. I promise to leave you be from now on.["] But he wasn't
- add, to show where it ended.
"No,["] said Luke. "I don't think so. If I don't point this at you, {you} will run like a scared rabbit."
- add
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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The trials of a broken man. No way Luke is not going to prison now. And for an ex-cop he is in for an entirely different kind of hell. Good stuff.
notes:
"Dear Share: I love you, and will always love you, but I've abandoned this family. I know it's all my fault. I promise to leave you be from now on.["] But he wasn't
- add, to show where it ended.
"No,["] said Luke. "I don't think so. If I don't point this at you, {you} will run like a scared rabbit."
- add
Comment Written 27-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Thanks again. Can I call you Lance for short. LOL. P.S. You are singularly giving me the gumption to write a script. It's going to happen, and I want all your opinions, good, bad, or ugly. I will catch up on yours. Stan aka. Forestport.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Luke is playing with fire when he holds a gun on someone. He seems to
have gained some equilibrium from his action with Hodges, but revenge never solves anything. I'm wondering what will happen next in this well-written saga. I am sure Hodges will not overlook this humiliation.
Note:
from now on.>>quotation marks are needed.>>on"
Ralf
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Luke is playing with fire when he holds a gun on someone. He seems to
have gained some equilibrium from his action with Hodges, but revenge never solves anything. I'm wondering what will happen next in this well-written saga. I am sure Hodges will not overlook this humiliation.
Note:
from now on.>>quotation marks are needed.>>on"
Ralf
Comment Written 27-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Very good points, which you gave that will help me navigate my next chapter, even though I've had an outline.
Comment from Ben Colder
Yes, there is a knot at the end of every rope in a person's life but how far down we fall is a matter of distance. Well done, Stan. You have a way of gluing a person into your writing. I used up all my six.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Yes, there is a knot at the end of every rope in a person's life but how far down we fall is a matter of distance. Well done, Stan. You have a way of gluing a person into your writing. I used up all my six.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Yes, I like what you said. You're my brother from another mother. But I love you just the same. We all need a little crazy glue in our chapters. Like the dynamics between Thad the black man and the other. Solid historical you have.
Comment from royowen
It's truly amazing how many relationships break down because of the tragic loss of a child, almost like they can't handle the sheer grief ofbthe loss, I'm telling you o don't know if I could handle it myself. But I guess no one else knows how they could handle it either. Beautifully written dear friend, sensitively written, good plot, characters to match, blessings Roy
Typo : Talked passed each other in (the) third person.2: she looked at him (and) smiled...
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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It's truly amazing how many relationships break down because of the tragic loss of a child, almost like they can't handle the sheer grief ofbthe loss, I'm telling you o don't know if I could handle it myself. But I guess no one else knows how they could handle it either. Beautifully written dear friend, sensitively written, good plot, characters to match, blessings Roy
Typo : Talked passed each other in (the) third person.2: she looked at him (and) smiled...
Comment Written 27-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Thanks again, Roy. Surprising turn of events are in the offering. When Luke goes to hide out and lay low, he finds a father in law's old marked Bible that foreshadows a crossroads with surprising twist regarding his wife.
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Looking forward
Comment from Alaskastory
"Pressure Wash" is full of surprising action as "Luke mulls over his abandonment issues" in very clear portrayal. Hope it goes on in some way for him to renew his life. But this part is very well done!
Suggest deletion: "No sounds(, but) when his bare feet slapped the wood floor."
Add quote: ... I know it's all my fault.(")
Correction: ...If I don't point this(,) (at) you will run like a scared rabbit."
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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"Pressure Wash" is full of surprising action as "Luke mulls over his abandonment issues" in very clear portrayal. Hope it goes on in some way for him to renew his life. But this part is very well done!
Suggest deletion: "No sounds(, but) when his bare feet slapped the wood floor."
Add quote: ... I know it's all my fault.(")
Correction: ...If I don't point this(,) (at) you will run like a scared rabbit."
Comment Written 27-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Thanks again Marie!