One Sunny Night
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "One Sunny Night-Chapter 11"Romance of visitor to Alaska
7 total reviews
Comment from amahra
Woman are pretty good at hard decision making and you have given you character a doozy to tamper with. She seems torn between the company way and her own instincts. I like the poetic phrase, " A masculine voice swept the room. Just one point. You say, "her hair swept up in a professional style." Is that a bun, French roll? Can you be a little more specific so the reader can form an image.
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
  |
Woman are pretty good at hard decision making and you have given you character a doozy to tamper with. She seems torn between the company way and her own instincts. I like the poetic phrase, " A masculine voice swept the room. Just one point. You say, "her hair swept up in a professional style." Is that a bun, French roll? Can you be a little more specific so the reader can form an image.
Comment Written 22-May-2021
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
-
I agree with your hair style comment. Maybe I can think of something on that. I'm so glad you took time to read this chapter. Many thanks!
-
It was my pleasure. Enjoyed the chapter. Look forward to the next.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Alaskastory:
I have found myself in a situation similar to Danielle's (Dani's) - sans the love interest - when my job dictated I lean one way in my decision-making and my sense of what was right made me lean in the other. It can get rather tricky at times.
Jan
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
|
Alaskastory:
I have found myself in a situation similar to Danielle's (Dani's) - sans the love interest - when my job dictated I lean one way in my decision-making and my sense of what was right made me lean in the other. It can get rather tricky at times.
Jan
Comment Written 22-May-2021
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
-
Jan, thanks for taking time to read this chapter. I very much appreciate your comments.
Marie
Comment from royowen
Yes a conservationist and a coal in the same room wouldn't appear to be seemly would it? It would be the ultimata contradiction, unless of course, they had concocted a compromise. I love the thinking here, and the way the episode, leaving reader wanting more. Well done, blessings Roy
Typo : Her mind wa(I)vered.
reply by the author on 21-May-2021
|
Yes a conservationist and a coal in the same room wouldn't appear to be seemly would it? It would be the ultimata contradiction, unless of course, they had concocted a compromise. I love the thinking here, and the way the episode, leaving reader wanting more. Well done, blessings Roy
Typo : Her mind wa(I)vered.
Comment Written 21-May-2021
reply by the author on 21-May-2021
-
Thank you, Roy. I'm so happy that you took time to read this chapter and I very much appreciate your comments. Bless you too, Marie
-
Most welcome
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Chapter 11 of the romance fiction speaks modestly, candidly and expressively an order of good taletelling, thru' a progressive plot development, ends with a lovable wish with a mystic information; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 20-May-2021
|
This Chapter 11 of the romance fiction speaks modestly, candidly and expressively an order of good taletelling, thru' a progressive plot development, ends with a lovable wish with a mystic information; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 19-May-2021
reply by the author on 20-May-2021
-
I very much appreciate your comments. You are so encouraging. Many thanks!
Comment from Jay Squires
An excellent chapter, Alaskastory. You seem to have a natural facility with the novel form. Your pacing, especially, is very good. You hint and suggest something, but don't get deeply into it, so the reader's interest is piqued. Like her memory of the ranch and Stewart Bryant. It is again resurrected when she sees Stewart in Dr. Burns office, but it's quite competitive and decidedly unromantic there. Again, well-paced.
Here are some things I noted as I read along:
While paying for the gift, her cellphone rang. [I would suggest, "While SHE PAID for the gift, her cellphone rang." The reason I'm suggesting that is an otherwise ambiguous meaning. Is the cellphone passing the time ringing while it's paying for the gift (ludicrous I know!), or the meaning you intended?]
"We are talking about a seven-hundred-foot dam that poses harmful impacts on five species of salmon, caribou migration routes, tourism and fish-based businesses." As a writer of the Senator's dialogue, you set him up as being direct and to the point. And yet, his statement comes across to the reader as less specific as it could be. I thought at first that he was advocating the dam. That's because he started out stating, "We are talking about a seven-hundred-foot dam," and so I was wondering why he was concerned about it posing harmful IMPACT (singular) on the salmon, caribou, tourism and fishing." I'm not totally stupid, so I figured out before I got to the end of the sentence that he was opposed to the dam. Question is: do you want the reader's mind to wander away from your (writer's) control even for a few seconds, if you can prevent it. And it can be easily prevented by having the Senator's first words be something like, "We are opposed to the building of a seven-hundred-foot dam..." etc. I hope I'm making that point clear.]
It was an energetic walk that renewed strength she needed. [I have noticed in this sentence what I noticed earlier (like in the summary of the previous chapter) but didn't comment on because I didn't think it would be a trend, but now I'm beginning to think it is. You sometimes write in a clipped, abbreviated style often used by those taking notes. You leave out definite and indefinite articles. Here It's the "the" in front of "strength". It's nothing catastrophic, but enough to slow down or divert the reader's attention.]
That had happened only days before she was at his elaborate ranch [by leaving out the "when" after before, you are in effect saying that it happened days BEFORE she was at the ranch, instead of days before the present action.]
Danielle's brightly wide eyes starred at a handsome face [... wide eyes STARED at a handsome face.]
"Here's a tip." A deep, masculine voice swept into the room. "First, wait until you hear what the governor's staff have to say." [It's not really clear who said this, Dr. Burns, or Stewart. I can guess who said it, but again, it's only a guess.]
I hope you found my suggestions helpful, even if you don't agree with all of them. I hope you can accept them in the spirit in which they were intended. And know that when I finished this chapter, I felt it was time well-spent, and thoroughly entertained.
reply by the author on 20-May-2021
|
An excellent chapter, Alaskastory. You seem to have a natural facility with the novel form. Your pacing, especially, is very good. You hint and suggest something, but don't get deeply into it, so the reader's interest is piqued. Like her memory of the ranch and Stewart Bryant. It is again resurrected when she sees Stewart in Dr. Burns office, but it's quite competitive and decidedly unromantic there. Again, well-paced.
Here are some things I noted as I read along:
While paying for the gift, her cellphone rang. [I would suggest, "While SHE PAID for the gift, her cellphone rang." The reason I'm suggesting that is an otherwise ambiguous meaning. Is the cellphone passing the time ringing while it's paying for the gift (ludicrous I know!), or the meaning you intended?]
"We are talking about a seven-hundred-foot dam that poses harmful impacts on five species of salmon, caribou migration routes, tourism and fish-based businesses." As a writer of the Senator's dialogue, you set him up as being direct and to the point. And yet, his statement comes across to the reader as less specific as it could be. I thought at first that he was advocating the dam. That's because he started out stating, "We are talking about a seven-hundred-foot dam," and so I was wondering why he was concerned about it posing harmful IMPACT (singular) on the salmon, caribou, tourism and fishing." I'm not totally stupid, so I figured out before I got to the end of the sentence that he was opposed to the dam. Question is: do you want the reader's mind to wander away from your (writer's) control even for a few seconds, if you can prevent it. And it can be easily prevented by having the Senator's first words be something like, "We are opposed to the building of a seven-hundred-foot dam..." etc. I hope I'm making that point clear.]
It was an energetic walk that renewed strength she needed. [I have noticed in this sentence what I noticed earlier (like in the summary of the previous chapter) but didn't comment on because I didn't think it would be a trend, but now I'm beginning to think it is. You sometimes write in a clipped, abbreviated style often used by those taking notes. You leave out definite and indefinite articles. Here It's the "the" in front of "strength". It's nothing catastrophic, but enough to slow down or divert the reader's attention.]
That had happened only days before she was at his elaborate ranch [by leaving out the "when" after before, you are in effect saying that it happened days BEFORE she was at the ranch, instead of days before the present action.]
Danielle's brightly wide eyes starred at a handsome face [... wide eyes STARED at a handsome face.]
"Here's a tip." A deep, masculine voice swept into the room. "First, wait until you hear what the governor's staff have to say." [It's not really clear who said this, Dr. Burns, or Stewart. I can guess who said it, but again, it's only a guess.]
I hope you found my suggestions helpful, even if you don't agree with all of them. I hope you can accept them in the spirit in which they were intended. And know that when I finished this chapter, I felt it was time well-spent, and thoroughly entertained.
Comment Written 19-May-2021
reply by the author on 20-May-2021
-
The comments you make amaze me. In every suggestion, I most agree. I should have spotted some of that sooner. Thank you so very much for reading this so carefully!
-
My pleasure, Alaskastory. It's what we should be doing here. I have over 65 years of writing experience, and it would be criminal if I refused to share what I had to scrape my knuckles to learn. I appreciate your maturity in accepting my recommendations.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, I liked the tension you drew here. First of all, I loved the feminine touch. It was natural of Danielle to think of a baby gift. It took a woman, like the senator's wife, to be considerate enough to think of Dani's jetlag.
And I love your description of the Alaskan city - you make everything pop out - the art and the river. You draw in the reader to Alaska.
Finally, just like there is a personal emotional tension for Dani and her feelings for Stewart, now there is a tension about whether she should be for or against the building of the dam.
Great job!
reply by the author on 20-May-2021
|
Oh, I liked the tension you drew here. First of all, I loved the feminine touch. It was natural of Danielle to think of a baby gift. It took a woman, like the senator's wife, to be considerate enough to think of Dani's jetlag.
And I love your description of the Alaskan city - you make everything pop out - the art and the river. You draw in the reader to Alaska.
Finally, just like there is a personal emotional tension for Dani and her feelings for Stewart, now there is a tension about whether she should be for or against the building of the dam.
Great job!
Comment Written 19-May-2021
reply by the author on 20-May-2021
-
Your comments lift my heart. Thanks so much for pointing out a few parts. You encourage me to carry this story on.
Comment from Bonnie Seach
A "what's next?" story
Well written. Descriptive and emotive.
Always think of the reader we are encouraged.
As one follows the story one engages with the protagonist and feels rapport with her. This is a sign of good writership. Thanks for sharing. Best wishes
reply by the author on 19-May-2021
|
A "what's next?" story
Well written. Descriptive and emotive.
Always think of the reader we are encouraged.
As one follows the story one engages with the protagonist and feels rapport with her. This is a sign of good writership. Thanks for sharing. Best wishes
Comment Written 19-May-2021
reply by the author on 19-May-2021
-
Thank so much for your comments and encouragement. You make me feel really good!
-
Nice going! All the best