One Sunny Night-Chapter 8
Making permanent decision8 total reviews
Comment from Judy Lawless
I think I must have missed a chapter in this novel. It's nice to see that Danielle is standing up to Kevin instead of giving into his every request. Looks like some changes are in the works.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2021
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I think I must have missed a chapter in this novel. It's nice to see that Danielle is standing up to Kevin instead of giving into his every request. Looks like some changes are in the works.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2021
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Many thanks for your comments.
Comment from MissMerri
I just adore how you are able to show these various scenes so vividly, MissA, and the way you inject the actions into each scene... having your characters do things like baking and drinking and all the little movements they perform. It really does help the reader to see each scene as if looking at a movie. The conversations also tell so much about the story, which is great. Then you leave the chapter ending in a place that makes the reader want to keep turning the pages, anxious to see what might happen next. This is the mark of an experienced and talented storyteller which you obviously are. I do wish you had an editor though. *wink* I like to correct stuff I guess. Hope it isn't too annoying. Sometimes little typos are distracting, but rarely does anything distract from your stories. Only an old English teacher would notice. ;")
My suggestions:
***"At home, her mind wondered (did you mean "wandered?) remembering friends in Alaska, mostly her last friend."
***"she banged her slaps into bread dough to shape it into perfect buns." (This sentence really threw me at first. I thought "what are slaps??" Then I finally decided you meant ... "as she banged and slapped the bread dough to shape it..." Is that what you meant? )
***"Ginger spread a towel over her dough to let it ready rise." (Maybe leave out "ready" and just say "let it rise?")
*** "I'll see what he thinks when I will show up in a dress (he's seen me wear before.")
*** Laying (lying) in bed (,) Danielle vowed that after the mailing,
***"Picking up my beautiful date up (delete 2nd "up") early tonight. I got(have) to meet and greet every guest ..."
As always, I think your storytelling is exceptional so old English teacher can't bear to give less than six stars. Looking forward to next chapter. MM
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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I just adore how you are able to show these various scenes so vividly, MissA, and the way you inject the actions into each scene... having your characters do things like baking and drinking and all the little movements they perform. It really does help the reader to see each scene as if looking at a movie. The conversations also tell so much about the story, which is great. Then you leave the chapter ending in a place that makes the reader want to keep turning the pages, anxious to see what might happen next. This is the mark of an experienced and talented storyteller which you obviously are. I do wish you had an editor though. *wink* I like to correct stuff I guess. Hope it isn't too annoying. Sometimes little typos are distracting, but rarely does anything distract from your stories. Only an old English teacher would notice. ;")
My suggestions:
***"At home, her mind wondered (did you mean "wandered?) remembering friends in Alaska, mostly her last friend."
***"she banged her slaps into bread dough to shape it into perfect buns." (This sentence really threw me at first. I thought "what are slaps??" Then I finally decided you meant ... "as she banged and slapped the bread dough to shape it..." Is that what you meant? )
***"Ginger spread a towel over her dough to let it ready rise." (Maybe leave out "ready" and just say "let it rise?")
*** "I'll see what he thinks when I will show up in a dress (he's seen me wear before.")
*** Laying (lying) in bed (,) Danielle vowed that after the mailing,
***"Picking up my beautiful date up (delete 2nd "up") early tonight. I got(have) to meet and greet every guest ..."
As always, I think your storytelling is exceptional so old English teacher can't bear to give less than six stars. Looking forward to next chapter. MM
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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I love, love, love my English teacher. Your eyes are great! I can't believe I wrote wondered instead of wandered again. Thanks for catching that and all the others. I like editing so you are doing me a GREAT favor, MissM.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Marie. This chapter is so well written. Excellent, natural-flowing dialogue and your use of imagery is very good, like here:
" A smile burst on her lips at the sight of colorful flowers beside his luxurious, log ranch house adorned in stonework. The strong, handsome man standing beside his horse gave her a warm shiver. With a groan, she turned the picture upside down.
Well done, my friend. Bob
Suggestions if I may: Whack your first paragraph into at least two pieces. It is much too long and will put your readers to sleep before they get to the next part. (wink)
And this will be too confusing...two subjects and changed so abruptly, my friend. Separate the two like this:
""I think of him as an opportunist. Bet he gets help from many attractive women."
Ginger gave loud, sweeping slaps to bread dough, shaping it into perfect buns.
"
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2021
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Hi Marie. This chapter is so well written. Excellent, natural-flowing dialogue and your use of imagery is very good, like here:
" A smile burst on her lips at the sight of colorful flowers beside his luxurious, log ranch house adorned in stonework. The strong, handsome man standing beside his horse gave her a warm shiver. With a groan, she turned the picture upside down.
Well done, my friend. Bob
Suggestions if I may: Whack your first paragraph into at least two pieces. It is much too long and will put your readers to sleep before they get to the next part. (wink)
And this will be too confusing...two subjects and changed so abruptly, my friend. Separate the two like this:
""I think of him as an opportunist. Bet he gets help from many attractive women."
Ginger gave loud, sweeping slaps to bread dough, shaping it into perfect buns.
"
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2021
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Great comments. I'll make a little change and try to keep readers awake. Thanks a million, Bob!
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Awww. You deo know I was exaggerating about that don't you, Marie? Your writing is wonderful and very effective as always, my friend. Please forgive me for wording it wrong. Bob
Comment from lyenochka
Oh! Things have moved very fast. But you made it really clear that whatever passion that Danielle had for Kevin was over. Kevin would make a good politician. But she's definitely interested in Stewart.
I liked the intimate conversation with Ginger. She seems to be really in tune to Danielle's feelings. I liked your phrases like "uneasy thoughts invaded Danielle" and "Relief stayed happily with Danielle" - great personification of feelings!
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2021
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Oh! Things have moved very fast. But you made it really clear that whatever passion that Danielle had for Kevin was over. Kevin would make a good politician. But she's definitely interested in Stewart.
I liked the intimate conversation with Ginger. She seems to be really in tune to Danielle's feelings. I liked your phrases like "uneasy thoughts invaded Danielle" and "Relief stayed happily with Danielle" - great personification of feelings!
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2021
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Helen, you just made my day. Sure did not expect high rating. Many thanks!
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Great job, Marie! 💖
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Some man don't get the message, and they treat girls like trophy, other are seeing the beauty of their soul and treat them like royalties. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2021
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Some man don't get the message, and they treat girls like trophy, other are seeing the beauty of their soul and treat them like royalties. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2021
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I love reading your comments. Thanks so much!
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
ALASKASTORY:
Good for Danielle in recognizing that she is Kevin's "trophy" girlfriend. I suspect she has also determined it will be a lonely, self-suffering life for her if she continues her relationship with him. I look forward to your next chapter. Rdfrdmom2
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021
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ALASKASTORY:
Good for Danielle in recognizing that she is Kevin's "trophy" girlfriend. I suspect she has also determined it will be a lonely, self-suffering life for her if she continues her relationship with him. I look forward to your next chapter. Rdfrdmom2
Comment Written 13-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021
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I very much appreciate your comments. Thank you for taking time to read this.
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Alaska, not a good time to say no when you are slightly inebriated and a woman, In the hands of a determined person who could just carry her off like a caveman.
I do hope you have invented someone to rescue her, before he does real damage.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021
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Dear Alaska, not a good time to say no when you are slightly inebriated and a woman, In the hands of a determined person who could just carry her off like a caveman.
I do hope you have invented someone to rescue her, before he does real damage.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021
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Thanks for your input. It surprises me to think someone might have fear for her. Maybe I need a more soothing ending to this chapter.
Comment from DonandVicki
You have a way of ending a chapter that keeps the reader in suspense. I was pulled into the story with the first line and was held there with the outstanding dialogue.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021
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You have a way of ending a chapter that keeps the reader in suspense. I was pulled into the story with the first line and was held there with the outstanding dialogue.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021
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Thanks so much for your comments. You make me think I should create a more soothing ending for this chapter.