Traffic
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Memories of the Cave"With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
9 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Liz,
Still an intriguing and scary story. I can't imagine what it would be like to really encounter some of the relatives of these poor individuals. Ugh. Yuck.
Some notes, if I may:
1.) Liz looked at Linda, while extending her palms, Liz mouthed, 'what did I do?' Linda mouthed back, 'I don't know', shaking her head.
--> you've kinda got too much going on in these sentences. You would be better served (imo) by breaking them up - also, whenever a new character acts or speaks, you should drop down and give them a new paragraph so the reader is never confused. Here's what I would suggest:
--> edited:
Liz looked at Linda and extended her palms. She mouthed, 'What did I do?'
Linda shook her head, mouthing back, 'I don't know.'
They both turned...
2.) They usually, knew why the person was crying.
--> no comma
3.) phrases creating a hiccup effect. I...was so afraid..
--> if this is speech it needs opening and closing quote marks
4.) "We remember that weird intimidating opening.(") Liz added more, with a dramatic voice.
Thanks!
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
   |
Liz,
Still an intriguing and scary story. I can't imagine what it would be like to really encounter some of the relatives of these poor individuals. Ugh. Yuck.
Some notes, if I may:
1.) Liz looked at Linda, while extending her palms, Liz mouthed, 'what did I do?' Linda mouthed back, 'I don't know', shaking her head.
--> you've kinda got too much going on in these sentences. You would be better served (imo) by breaking them up - also, whenever a new character acts or speaks, you should drop down and give them a new paragraph so the reader is never confused. Here's what I would suggest:
--> edited:
Liz looked at Linda and extended her palms. She mouthed, 'What did I do?'
Linda shook her head, mouthing back, 'I don't know.'
They both turned...
2.) They usually, knew why the person was crying.
--> no comma
3.) phrases creating a hiccup effect. I...was so afraid..
--> if this is speech it needs opening and closing quote marks
4.) "We remember that weird intimidating opening.(") Liz added more, with a dramatic voice.
Thanks!
Comment Written 13-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
-
Thank you for your supportive review. I'm grateful for your sharp eyes.
Comment from RetroStarfish
Excellent chapter. Harrowing. You've done a great job of relating the anguish and dignity of so many First Nation's people who suffer through the disappearance or degradation of their families. I really enjoyed reading this.
I have one small suggestion and that is to use more "active" language when possible. That means double checking the word "was." So, for example, "Tommy's rocking was slowing. His voice was returning to..." Could be 'Tommy's rocking slowed. His voice returned to...'
Again, a small point. Its a great chapter.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
|
Excellent chapter. Harrowing. You've done a great job of relating the anguish and dignity of so many First Nation's people who suffer through the disappearance or degradation of their families. I really enjoyed reading this.
I have one small suggestion and that is to use more "active" language when possible. That means double checking the word "was." So, for example, "Tommy's rocking was slowing. His voice was returning to..." Could be 'Tommy's rocking slowed. His voice returned to...'
Again, a small point. Its a great chapter.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
-
Thank you for your supportive review. I do use "was" too much. If you have not read from the beginning, you are invited to read the Chapter 1-13 about the rescuing of 10 Native teens. There is no need to do any reviews. Just enjoy it.
Comment from Leann DS
Admittedly, I'm a little lost because I have not read the previous entries, but I really find this to be an interesting story. The details are good and the dialogue is realistic. There is one part that has me a little confused:
When Liz mentioned Spring Blossom, Tommy said, "She was taken too?" His voice shook a little as he said, "It was Spring Blossom, her brother, Flying Squirrel, and her father, Shoots the Arrow, who took through the cave.
Is spring blossom missing? And coincidentally, did she also guide him through the cave? I also think there might be a word missing after and her father, Shoots the Arrow, who took through the cave.
Anyway, it sounds pretty good to me! Well done. I hope I was helpful. Hugs.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2021
|
Admittedly, I'm a little lost because I have not read the previous entries, but I really find this to be an interesting story. The details are good and the dialogue is realistic. There is one part that has me a little confused:
When Liz mentioned Spring Blossom, Tommy said, "She was taken too?" His voice shook a little as he said, "It was Spring Blossom, her brother, Flying Squirrel, and her father, Shoots the Arrow, who took through the cave.
Is spring blossom missing? And coincidentally, did she also guide him through the cave? I also think there might be a word missing after and her father, Shoots the Arrow, who took through the cave.
Anyway, it sounds pretty good to me! Well done. I hope I was helpful. Hugs.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2021
-
Thank you for your involved review. There is reference to Ch 7 & 8 & 11 & 13. That names the girls who were being rescued. Yes, Spring Blossom was one of tge girls rescued along with Tommy's sister Sage. If you even want to skip to Ch 2, 3. you can begin the adventure. Then move to 6,7, 10, 12, 13. If you want to read from my portfolio. Please do so without having to write a review. Just enjoy.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
When people disappear without a trace, they leave behind a trail of questions and among the worries there is still a flicker of hope, that maybe one day they will show up somehow.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2021
|
When people disappear without a trace, they leave behind a trail of questions and among the worries there is still a flicker of hope, that maybe one day they will show up somehow.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2021
-
Thank you for your involved review. What you say is well expressed and very true.
Comment from aryr
What a wonderful continuation chapter Liz. This definitely brought back horrible memories for Tommy, Aunt Wise Fox and Sweet Juniper had become lost to the world, lost but never forgotten. The fact that Sage, Spring Blossom and the others were rescued by Liz and Linda was important to him. I really enjoyed reading this, well done.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2021
|
What a wonderful continuation chapter Liz. This definitely brought back horrible memories for Tommy, Aunt Wise Fox and Sweet Juniper had become lost to the world, lost but never forgotten. The fact that Sage, Spring Blossom and the others were rescued by Liz and Linda was important to him. I really enjoyed reading this, well done.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2021
-
Thank you for your lovely review. I always enjoy what you have to say.
-
You are most welcome Liz, you write great stories and I enjoy reading them.
Comment from Mistydawn
What a sad recollection. The way you told it had me on the verge of tears. So many gone missing, I can't imagine the heartache the families felt. I love how you taught us about their different beliefs, rituals. Stopping at them suspending in a dark nothingness short of cruel. Guess I'm forced to read on, oh, woe is me, lol. As always, I look forward to reading more.
PS I hope you're watching Big Sky because things are really heating up.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2021
 |
What a sad recollection. The way you told it had me on the verge of tears. So many gone missing, I can't imagine the heartache the families felt. I love how you taught us about their different beliefs, rituals. Stopping at them suspending in a dark nothingness short of cruel. Guess I'm forced to read on, oh, woe is me, lol. As always, I look forward to reading more.
PS I hope you're watching Big Sky because things are really heating up.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2021
-
Thank you for your enthusiastic review. I always look forward to what you have to say. Thank you for the heads-up about the show. I'm having to review what when on, it's been so long.
Comment from lyenochka
I like how realistic you made the emotions when Tommy realized that these were the ladies who helped rescue his sister, Sage. It's nice that they can revisit the cave with Tommy's description and Liz and Linda's memory. But there were places where I didn't know who was talking.
Suggestions:
palms extended and mouthed, (I was confused by this sentence. Maybe she mouthed while extending her palms? Otherwise, 'palms' are mouthed)
regular tone and cadance. (cadence)
The house was stuffy from the heat with no AC. (I guess Tommy is talking here? I didn't see any open quotes and it seems he's telling a long narration so I think either you could change fonts or use and open quote and don't do a close quote until he's finished talking...)
who who took through the cave. (remove one 'who' and add a pronoun maybe like 'took us')
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2021
|
I like how realistic you made the emotions when Tommy realized that these were the ladies who helped rescue his sister, Sage. It's nice that they can revisit the cave with Tommy's description and Liz and Linda's memory. But there were places where I didn't know who was talking.
Suggestions:
palms extended and mouthed, (I was confused by this sentence. Maybe she mouthed while extending her palms? Otherwise, 'palms' are mouthed)
regular tone and cadance. (cadence)
The house was stuffy from the heat with no AC. (I guess Tommy is talking here? I didn't see any open quotes and it seems he's telling a long narration so I think either you could change fonts or use and open quote and don't do a close quote until he's finished talking...)
who who took through the cave. (remove one 'who' and add a pronoun maybe like 'took us')
Comment Written 09-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2021
-
Thank you for your supportive review. I value your sharp eye. I have fixed things up.
-
You're most welcome. I read slow and I find it helpful to read things aloud or in my head.
-
I like reading aloud, but I seem to automatically self-correct. Having supportive reviewing friends is very helpful.
Comment from Mabaker12
As I have missed so much I've got to take a bit of time finding my feet again. So tell me what are your latest posts and I start properly. Jeeze now it wants more words. Okay here goes. What I read was great and the explanations at the end truly helpful to us non-indigenous. Like all your work Liz I study the way you write and it's great. Luv U Mugs
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2021
|
As I have missed so much I've got to take a bit of time finding my feet again. So tell me what are your latest posts and I start properly. Jeeze now it wants more words. Okay here goes. What I read was great and the explanations at the end truly helpful to us non-indigenous. Like all your work Liz I study the way you write and it's great. Luv U Mugs
Comment Written 09-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2021
-
Yay...so good to see a review from you. Not just the review, but you.
My portfolio has Chapter 1-13 in the book called Traffic. No reviews are necessary...just enjoy
-
Okay let's go find it.
Comment from Lyn Peters
I have a special interest in stories that include Native Americans so I really enjoyed this chapter from the book, Traffic, I hope you plan to post more chapters...I'd like to read more. It doesn't appear that this is a contest entry, but I'm sure it would fare well. Thanks for sharing your work. Best regards.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2021
|
I have a special interest in stories that include Native Americans so I really enjoyed this chapter from the book, Traffic, I hope you plan to post more chapters...I'd like to read more. It doesn't appear that this is a contest entry, but I'm sure it would fare well. Thanks for sharing your work. Best regards.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2021
-
Thank you for your enthusiastic review. If you want to read about us rescuing 10 teens including Tommy's sister and friend. they were in a house used for trafficking Native teens. MMIW... MMIC...MMIT...Missing, murdered women, children, & teen. That is chapter 1-13. You will definitely appreciate it. It's in my portfolio . No review is necessary. Just enjoy. I tried to delete this word........"profile" it won't go...disregard it....