I Don't Know Why
A Non-Fiction in about 800 words.Why it happens.............88 total reviews
Comment from Sam Manilla
You have some great things you wish to accomplish. Some of the writing style is weird and incorrect. I am curious if English is your second language as you mentioned learning multiple languages. I wish you the best I luck in doing all you want to do. Write on!
   |
You have some great things you wish to accomplish. Some of the writing style is weird and incorrect. I am curious if English is your second language as you mentioned learning multiple languages. I wish you the best I luck in doing all you want to do. Write on!
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
Comment from adewpearl
there is no retakes - there are no retakes
I think to write...I'm not sure what this sentence is saying besides listing everything it lists - this needs to be more clearly phrased
finish my jobs in varieties pended - that phrase needs work - this whole sentence needs work
The someday sentence makes sense and is clearly phrased
you want to marry 14 girls including teenagers??? that does NOT sound appealing to most people, especially to most women
You certainly have an eclectic list of ambitions, some more reasonable than others, some more appealing than others.
Brooke
|
there is no retakes - there are no retakes
I think to write...I'm not sure what this sentence is saying besides listing everything it lists - this needs to be more clearly phrased
finish my jobs in varieties pended - that phrase needs work - this whole sentence needs work
The someday sentence makes sense and is clearly phrased
you want to marry 14 girls including teenagers??? that does NOT sound appealing to most people, especially to most women
You certainly have an eclectic list of ambitions, some more reasonable than others, some more appealing than others.
Brooke
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
Comment from Matthew M.
There are quite a few grammatical errors that make it difficult to read. I kind of lost track of the days that were listed. There are some lofty goals and that is good, except maybe the many wives. However, that might be a cultural thing.
In life there is no retakes
should be:
In life there are no retakes.
In the second paragraph it is awkward to say that you earn some of those things because Seal of Qualities are bought and I am not sure which 51 certificates you are referring to.
In the third paragraph the first word should be sometimes and most of the verb tenses are awkwardly done.
This paragraph:
Every dead-end night I think I shall meet my God, Angels, Messengers of God, Prophets, Avatars and Incarnations of God and talk with them to know more about them and their activities, roles, duties, responsibilities, tasks, jobs and lives, the Infinite Creations and all about the religious philosophies, God books, God words, Scriptures or religious scripts.
It is only one sentence and really should be broken up into several sentences.
I think I shall fly kites, balloons and pigeons and parrots
The verbs I shall fly refers to parrots and pigeons. The parrots and the pigeons would fly on their own. You can't fly them like a balloon or a kite. Maybe something like:
Every rainy season, I think I shall fly kites and balloons, then release pigeons and parrots in the open blue sky.
However, another odd thing would be to have an open blue sky in the rainy season.
There are many more things that need work. I would really suggest getting an English primer to learn proper verb tenses and forms.
There are many good goals and ambitions. They will serve the writer well if they are dedicated. As to the writing, it needs some work and some editing.
|
There are quite a few grammatical errors that make it difficult to read. I kind of lost track of the days that were listed. There are some lofty goals and that is good, except maybe the many wives. However, that might be a cultural thing.
In life there is no retakes
should be:
In life there are no retakes.
In the second paragraph it is awkward to say that you earn some of those things because Seal of Qualities are bought and I am not sure which 51 certificates you are referring to.
In the third paragraph the first word should be sometimes and most of the verb tenses are awkwardly done.
This paragraph:
Every dead-end night I think I shall meet my God, Angels, Messengers of God, Prophets, Avatars and Incarnations of God and talk with them to know more about them and their activities, roles, duties, responsibilities, tasks, jobs and lives, the Infinite Creations and all about the religious philosophies, God books, God words, Scriptures or religious scripts.
It is only one sentence and really should be broken up into several sentences.
I think I shall fly kites, balloons and pigeons and parrots
The verbs I shall fly refers to parrots and pigeons. The parrots and the pigeons would fly on their own. You can't fly them like a balloon or a kite. Maybe something like:
Every rainy season, I think I shall fly kites and balloons, then release pigeons and parrots in the open blue sky.
However, another odd thing would be to have an open blue sky in the rainy season.
There are many more things that need work. I would really suggest getting an English primer to learn proper verb tenses and forms.
There are many good goals and ambitions. They will serve the writer well if they are dedicated. As to the writing, it needs some work and some editing.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
Comment from Spitfire
Sounds like a bucket list to me. You try to cover too much. It gets old after a while I might suggest grouping your wish list according to a subject i.e. fame, fortune, personal pleasure. A few spags:
In life there is no retakes.
should be
"are no retakes."
Why something else happen? Add an "s" to happen.
Write numbers out if expressed in two words or less.
An occasional misspelling that the spell check could tell you.
|
Sounds like a bucket list to me. You try to cover too much. It gets old after a while I might suggest grouping your wish list according to a subject i.e. fame, fortune, personal pleasure. A few spags:
In life there is no retakes.
should be
"are no retakes."
Why something else happen? Add an "s" to happen.
Write numbers out if expressed in two words or less.
An occasional misspelling that the spell check could tell you.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
Comment from Dean Kuch
Well...after reading your author's notes, I take it that you would prefer our responses to this piece to be, shall we say, limited and brief. So, I'll do both.
I don't get it. I usually get what I read, but this one, I simply did not. I wanted to. I like writings of all types, shapes and sizes. it it's good, length and word count is never a problem for me. But...this? It was a labour to read all the way to the end, to be quite frank. Okay, so you rambled on and on (and on...) about what YOU think. Good for you! I believe self-reflection is a good and noble thing. I think it should also have a point, if you're going to take the time to write it all down. What do you want your readers to take away from this?
I don't get it...
|
Well...after reading your author's notes, I take it that you would prefer our responses to this piece to be, shall we say, limited and brief. So, I'll do both.
I don't get it. I usually get what I read, but this one, I simply did not. I wanted to. I like writings of all types, shapes and sizes. it it's good, length and word count is never a problem for me. But...this? It was a labour to read all the way to the end, to be quite frank. Okay, so you rambled on and on (and on...) about what YOU think. Good for you! I believe self-reflection is a good and noble thing. I think it should also have a point, if you're going to take the time to write it all down. What do you want your readers to take away from this?
I don't get it...
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
Comment from bhogg
I have to tell you that at times I've had problems with following some of your posts. This one, not so much. I can see sitting down and just chatting about some of these revealing lines. Bill
|
I have to tell you that at times I've had problems with following some of your posts. This one, not so much. I can see sitting down and just chatting about some of these revealing lines. Bill
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
Comment from wierdgrace
I'm completely understanding of every word you have written, well done, and it says so much, I see many of this too, thank you for sharing, well done, and keep these writings coming,
|
I'm completely understanding of every word you have written, well done, and it says so much, I see many of this too, thank you for sharing, well done, and keep these writings coming,
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
Comment from elchupakabra
I really enjoy this piece, it does an excellent job of capturing a contrast of optimistic and nihilistic thoughts and emotions. It evokes an overwhelming sense of self-internalizing force and incites the reader to consider their life decisions. This piece is very engaging. Excellent work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
|
I really enjoy this piece, it does an excellent job of capturing a contrast of optimistic and nihilistic thoughts and emotions. It evokes an overwhelming sense of self-internalizing force and incites the reader to consider their life decisions. This piece is very engaging. Excellent work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013