Old Decrepit Woman Revised.
Written about a painting I saw.177 total reviews
Comment from Chris Tee
This is an absolutely splendid poem you have composed here and it flows and rhymes nicely old sport.
Well done with a rather superb write here old chap.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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This is an absolutely splendid poem you have composed here and it flows and rhymes nicely old sport.
Well done with a rather superb write here old chap.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you.
Comment from robina1978
Nice art.
And what a wonderful poem this is.
Mexico knows so much poverty, I've seen it once-long time ago.
Poem flows excellent and rhymes mostly.
Repetitions work so well here.
Brings strong images and emotions.
Nice general layout.
No tips to improve and can recommend to all.
Well done Boz my dear friend.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Nice art.
And what a wonderful poem this is.
Mexico knows so much poverty, I've seen it once-long time ago.
Poem flows excellent and rhymes mostly.
Repetitions work so well here.
Brings strong images and emotions.
Nice general layout.
No tips to improve and can recommend to all.
Well done Boz my dear friend.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Robina.
Comment from JennieClare
You have very powerful description throughout and it really moved me. It's amazing what we see and feel by looking at a picture - we can imagine all kinds of things. Well done. Jennie
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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You have very powerful description throughout and it really moved me. It's amazing what we see and feel by looking at a picture - we can imagine all kinds of things. Well done. Jennie
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Jennie.
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My pleasure. Jennie
Comment from Bloomer Burbs
Hi Baz Roz
A heartfelt and very sad piece of work my friend about the picture of an old lady.
Am a bit confused about the following line:
Still shivering in your silence as you hold your bruised and beaten baby.
How does a woman of her age hold 'her' baby?
Kind regards, Pete
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Hi Baz Roz
A heartfelt and very sad piece of work my friend about the picture of an old lady.
Am a bit confused about the following line:
Still shivering in your silence as you hold your bruised and beaten baby.
How does a woman of her age hold 'her' baby?
Kind regards, Pete
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Pete.
Comment from Mr.muttley
I liked the poem, and and the relevance to the picture as described in your notes. For me the use of
"Old decrepit women" was a bit over used. I removed it from a few lines and the heart and feel of the poem didn't seem effected. I understand why you would choose to use that phrase as you did. but for me it was just a bit much if you remove that phrase from lines # 3,7,11,14 I felt it flowed nicely and still held to the point and body of the poem. Again just my opinion. I still enjoyed the feeling of the poem, and like how your inspiration for the piece came about.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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I liked the poem, and and the relevance to the picture as described in your notes. For me the use of
"Old decrepit women" was a bit over used. I removed it from a few lines and the heart and feel of the poem didn't seem effected. I understand why you would choose to use that phrase as you did. but for me it was just a bit much if you remove that phrase from lines # 3,7,11,14 I felt it flowed nicely and still held to the point and body of the poem. Again just my opinion. I still enjoyed the feeling of the poem, and like how your inspiration for the piece came about.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you muttley.
Comment from Espresso momma
You write an interesting poem with emotion and drama. I am glad it was derived from a painting. That painting is a good one at that. Thanks for the good reading.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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You write an interesting poem with emotion and drama. I am glad it was derived from a painting. That painting is a good one at that. Thanks for the good reading.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Espresso.
Comment from yacolt
I read some of the other reviews to be sure I wasn't the only one that found the repeating of the woman phrase as distracting and unnecessary.
You could have went so much deeper but kept coming back to the surface and repeated. You have a lot of good advice here I hope you take it. Some people spent a lot of effort to help you. I looked at what others said, sometimes you have to overlook superficial praise and really look at your work imo....anyway
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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I read some of the other reviews to be sure I wasn't the only one that found the repeating of the woman phrase as distracting and unnecessary.
You could have went so much deeper but kept coming back to the surface and repeated. You have a lot of good advice here I hope you take it. Some people spent a lot of effort to help you. I looked at what others said, sometimes you have to overlook superficial praise and really look at your work imo....anyway
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Yacolt.
Comment from the blue pixel
"Like a raison" is a brilliant metaphor for the wrinkled skin of an old woman Boz Roz. You have painted a rather ghastly picture of this decrepit old woman, living or dead. I needed a bit more as far as a poem goes but I like your final thought. It often seems that the innocent must die but at her age, death would not be unexpected. The Blue Pixel
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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"Like a raison" is a brilliant metaphor for the wrinkled skin of an old woman Boz Roz. You have painted a rather ghastly picture of this decrepit old woman, living or dead. I needed a bit more as far as a poem goes but I like your final thought. It often seems that the innocent must die but at her age, death would not be unexpected. The Blue Pixel
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Pixel.
Comment from honeytree
The art work is very telling
The words very powerful sad,and cruel
In how they treated another person this way.
I felt these words were powerful, sad and cruel.
Honey tree
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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The art work is very telling
The words very powerful sad,and cruel
In how they treated another person this way.
I felt these words were powerful, sad and cruel.
Honey tree
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you honey tree.
Comment from Green_Jello
As I read this, I really wanted to feel the emotions that I believe you are trying to express here but it just fell flat for me. I know this is just one opinion, but I would really like to read this without the repeats of 'Old decrepit woman through it.' Maybe just have it once at the beginning of the poem and then repeat it again in the final line? I know there is a powerful message here but I feel it can really shine through with a few tweaks. I loved the line 'Like a raisin losing its breath.' Hope you don't mind these comments, take care.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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As I read this, I really wanted to feel the emotions that I believe you are trying to express here but it just fell flat for me. I know this is just one opinion, but I would really like to read this without the repeats of 'Old decrepit woman through it.' Maybe just have it once at the beginning of the poem and then repeat it again in the final line? I know there is a powerful message here but I feel it can really shine through with a few tweaks. I loved the line 'Like a raisin losing its breath.' Hope you don't mind these comments, take care.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Jello.