Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Chapter 3 Part three"Can love survive small town gossip?
87 total reviews
Comment from Jonez08
Hi Barbara, a rocky start to their beautiful evening. I'm glad Sara got things off her chest, though I'm surprised she did so soon. Joe continue to impress me with his take charge attitude he is all man. I can't believe how ignorant the people are in this town. I'm glad she has Joe by her side. I have two comments: I find that this chapter can really use some revisions, somethings not flowing for me here. The 'then, before, 'and's all seemed overused. Second, I'm sure there are conflicting issues ahead, but for a romance this doesn't have the strong conflict or foreshadowing. It's been pretty flowery for 11 chapters. I guess I'll have to wait and see. There's something missing I just can't put my finger on it. I'll let you know. I look forward to the next chapter.
He studied Joe, before he turned toward Sara.
--to make smoother consider: He studied Joe before turning to Sara.
Joe had watched the medium-built man size him up, then noticed Sara's nervousness.
--I think this can be rephrased to make clearer. I had to read it twice.
He held out his hand. "I'm Joe Barnes, and you are?"
(I like Joe's direct approach here)
"Maybe you don't know her reputation. I'll fill ...."
(what, would someone really be this ignorant?)
Roy (yanked) his shoulders back and crossed his arms over his chest.
--consider: (drew)
Joe stepped closer, shortening the distance between Roy and himself. Roy grabbed Joe's right arm. Joe reached over with (is) left hand and placed two fingers in the groove on the underside of Roy's wrist. Joe's thumb was on top of his wrist as he squeezed compressing the blood vessels and nerves. A smile crossed Joe's face.
(his)-- There are too many (Joe/Joe's) in this paragraph
(Putting) his hand on the small of her back, he led her to the dance floor. While they danced, Sara leaned closer (placing) her head against his shoulder.
--consider: (Placing) his hand ---since you've already said he led her to the dance floor, I don't think 'While they danced' is necessary. Consider: Sara leaned closer, resting her head against his shoulder.
"We'll be in later. Continue with something else until then."
(I like Joe. He is all man..lol)
"I have Cassie(,) and she's a wonderful daughter."
As she cuddled in,
(you already used this a couple of paragraphs up)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
Hi Barbara, a rocky start to their beautiful evening. I'm glad Sara got things off her chest, though I'm surprised she did so soon. Joe continue to impress me with his take charge attitude he is all man. I can't believe how ignorant the people are in this town. I'm glad she has Joe by her side. I have two comments: I find that this chapter can really use some revisions, somethings not flowing for me here. The 'then, before, 'and's all seemed overused. Second, I'm sure there are conflicting issues ahead, but for a romance this doesn't have the strong conflict or foreshadowing. It's been pretty flowery for 11 chapters. I guess I'll have to wait and see. There's something missing I just can't put my finger on it. I'll let you know. I look forward to the next chapter.
He studied Joe, before he turned toward Sara.
--to make smoother consider: He studied Joe before turning to Sara.
Joe had watched the medium-built man size him up, then noticed Sara's nervousness.
--I think this can be rephrased to make clearer. I had to read it twice.
He held out his hand. "I'm Joe Barnes, and you are?"
(I like Joe's direct approach here)
"Maybe you don't know her reputation. I'll fill ...."
(what, would someone really be this ignorant?)
Roy (yanked) his shoulders back and crossed his arms over his chest.
--consider: (drew)
Joe stepped closer, shortening the distance between Roy and himself. Roy grabbed Joe's right arm. Joe reached over with (is) left hand and placed two fingers in the groove on the underside of Roy's wrist. Joe's thumb was on top of his wrist as he squeezed compressing the blood vessels and nerves. A smile crossed Joe's face.
(his)-- There are too many (Joe/Joe's) in this paragraph
(Putting) his hand on the small of her back, he led her to the dance floor. While they danced, Sara leaned closer (placing) her head against his shoulder.
--consider: (Placing) his hand ---since you've already said he led her to the dance floor, I don't think 'While they danced' is necessary. Consider: Sara leaned closer, resting her head against his shoulder.
"We'll be in later. Continue with something else until then."
(I like Joe. He is all man..lol)
"I have Cassie(,) and she's a wonderful daughter."
As she cuddled in,
(you already used this a couple of paragraphs up)
Cassandra
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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"It's been pretty flowery for 11 chapters." I have been foreshadowing, dropping hints, the entire 8 chapter. Some reviewers are trying to guess what's happening so they have picked up on it. I have made a hard copy of your suggestions and I am off to make them. I appreciate hearing from your. I always listen to your comments.
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"It's been pretty flowery for 11 chapters." I have been foreshadowing, dropping hints, the entire 8 chapter. Some reviewers are trying to guess what's happening so they have picked up on it. I have made a hard copy of your suggestions and I am off to make them. I appreciate hearing from your. I always listen to your comments.
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you're welcome, I'm patiently waiting for the next one. Sometimes I/we get ahead of the author so I'll wait to see what you have in store for us. I'm sure it'll be great and I'm sure all the ladies are waiting in line for Joe, you've created a hot hero!
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
What a class reunion. Joe is quite the officer and the gentlemen. I found no errors. Your narration and dialogue flow really well. Good job.
Isaiah Ramesses
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
What a class reunion. Joe is quite the officer and the gentlemen. I found no errors. Your narration and dialogue flow really well. Good job.
Isaiah Ramesses
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from knowledge
Your novel is proceeding well. Your characters are developing nicely with your plot. Well written.
I did find one nit:
"Thay (That) she is. You can be proud of her." He drew her closer.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
Your novel is proceeding well. Your characters are developing nicely with your plot. Well written.
I did find one nit:
"Thay (That) she is. You can be proud of her." He drew her closer.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
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I had 'That is she' and when I changed it I still messed it up. Well, I have changed it again, let's hope I finally have that right. Thank you for catching it for me. I appreciate yoru review.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
you latest chapter of 'Another Lovely Face' is very well written and a very enjoyable read. I loved how Joe defended Sara. Excellent dialogue, great narrative, and wonderful characterization of small town folks. Very descriptive and detailed writing, here are some paragraphs that demonstrate that:
Joe led Sara to the hotel's ballroom. As they stood in the doorway, a former male classmate walked up to her. "Why don't we take a spin around the dance floor for old time sake?"
Joe led Sara to the hotel's ballroom. As they stood in the doorway, a former male classmate walked up to her. "Why don't we take a spin around the dance floor for old time sake?"
Boy these folks are judgmental in this small town. I guess small town and small minds.
Slowly he kissed her. "I won't allow some jerk to force us to leave." He tightened his arms, as she again leaned against his shoulder. After a few dances, Joe lifted her chin to look into her eyes. "Just checking for tears."
She faced the dance floor, before she took his hand in hers. "At my senior prom my drink was spiked and I didn't know it." She brushed a strand of hair from her cheek, before she gulped. "I know you probably don't believe me, but I honestly didn't know the punch was spiked."
She stepped back. "I've never talked about this before. Not even with my parents." She swallowed, wrung her hands, and then continued, "I remember parking in our driveway. I vaguely remember kissing. Somehow, I fell getting out of the car, and he helped me up. Instead of helping me to the front door, he opened the back door and sort of shoved me inside; but I don't remember how. We laughed and talked about not making it to the front door."
"I'll always come to your defense. You don't deserve any of this." He hesitated. "Fifteen years is a little late to find this out, but you were too drunk to give consent. You were a victim of date rape.
With tears rolling down her cheeks, she whispered, "You mean I'm not a slut?"
"He must be a real SOB." Joe noticed Ginger peek around the door. "I told you we'd be in when we're ready." He took Sara's hand. "Whenever you're ready, we'll go inside. There's no reason to rush it." He glanced toward the door. "Is he here?"
Rich smiled at Sara, as the classmates surrounded the stage. "I'd like to present our homecoming queen, Sara Riley." After the applause stopped, Rich said, "Sara, this next dance is your choice."
As Sara stared at Joe, he grinned and started up the stairs. Stepping between Sara and Roy, he put his arm around her waist. "Are you ready for your dance?"
Drawing her closer, he grinned. "I would've been upset if you didn't choose me." After he led her to the dance floor, Joe put both arms around her. As she cuddled in, he asked, "Is everything all right?"
A very eye opening chapter. Sara was date raped. You doing an fabulous job writing this romance. I look forward to reading more. I hope the creep who date raped her gets what's coming to him. . .Melissa.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
Barbara,
you latest chapter of 'Another Lovely Face' is very well written and a very enjoyable read. I loved how Joe defended Sara. Excellent dialogue, great narrative, and wonderful characterization of small town folks. Very descriptive and detailed writing, here are some paragraphs that demonstrate that:
Joe led Sara to the hotel's ballroom. As they stood in the doorway, a former male classmate walked up to her. "Why don't we take a spin around the dance floor for old time sake?"
Joe led Sara to the hotel's ballroom. As they stood in the doorway, a former male classmate walked up to her. "Why don't we take a spin around the dance floor for old time sake?"
Boy these folks are judgmental in this small town. I guess small town and small minds.
Slowly he kissed her. "I won't allow some jerk to force us to leave." He tightened his arms, as she again leaned against his shoulder. After a few dances, Joe lifted her chin to look into her eyes. "Just checking for tears."
She faced the dance floor, before she took his hand in hers. "At my senior prom my drink was spiked and I didn't know it." She brushed a strand of hair from her cheek, before she gulped. "I know you probably don't believe me, but I honestly didn't know the punch was spiked."
She stepped back. "I've never talked about this before. Not even with my parents." She swallowed, wrung her hands, and then continued, "I remember parking in our driveway. I vaguely remember kissing. Somehow, I fell getting out of the car, and he helped me up. Instead of helping me to the front door, he opened the back door and sort of shoved me inside; but I don't remember how. We laughed and talked about not making it to the front door."
"I'll always come to your defense. You don't deserve any of this." He hesitated. "Fifteen years is a little late to find this out, but you were too drunk to give consent. You were a victim of date rape.
With tears rolling down her cheeks, she whispered, "You mean I'm not a slut?"
"He must be a real SOB." Joe noticed Ginger peek around the door. "I told you we'd be in when we're ready." He took Sara's hand. "Whenever you're ready, we'll go inside. There's no reason to rush it." He glanced toward the door. "Is he here?"
Rich smiled at Sara, as the classmates surrounded the stage. "I'd like to present our homecoming queen, Sara Riley." After the applause stopped, Rich said, "Sara, this next dance is your choice."
As Sara stared at Joe, he grinned and started up the stairs. Stepping between Sara and Roy, he put his arm around her waist. "Are you ready for your dance?"
Drawing her closer, he grinned. "I would've been upset if you didn't choose me." After he led her to the dance floor, Joe put both arms around her. As she cuddled in, he asked, "Is everything all right?"
A very eye opening chapter. Sara was date raped. You doing an fabulous job writing this romance. I look forward to reading more. I hope the creep who date raped her gets what's coming to him. . .Melissa.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from anabelle
Ah! Such a lovely story. I loved it. You're so great at these. I couldn't write a love story if my life depended on it.
Very well done. Thanks. I enjoyed the read.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
Ah! Such a lovely story. I loved it. You're so great at these. I couldn't write a love story if my life depended on it.
Very well done. Thanks. I enjoyed the read.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate the support.
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You're welcome.
Comment from c_lucas
I just clicked on my private message when you showed up. Maybe I'll be one of the three. This is very well written with excellent imagery and descriptive scheme. One minor error.
"That is she. You can be proud of her." (That she is.)
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
I just clicked on my private message when you showed up. Maybe I'll be one of the three. This is very well written with excellent imagery and descriptive scheme. One minor error.
"That is she. You can be proud of her." (That she is.)
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
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Thank you for catching that. I have already made the change. I appreciate your review and your support.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from Belinda
Hey, I suddenly find myself cursing Roy for his impertinence. I wonder if he was the guy? I like it how you unfold Sara's story little by little through conversations. Written with skill!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
Hey, I suddenly find myself cursing Roy for his impertinence. I wonder if he was the guy? I like it how you unfold Sara's story little by little through conversations. Written with skill!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
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Thank you very much for your kind review and the support. I appreciate both.