Torment and Choices
A different Father's Day Poem91 total reviews
Comment from Writeronboard
Wow! This was powerful writing. The words just grasp me and I actually feel your pain. This is a wonderful display of your feelings toward whatever he was going through. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Wow! This was powerful writing. The words just grasp me and I actually feel your pain. This is a wonderful display of your feelings toward whatever he was going through. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Thank you! You have grasped the feelings that inspired the poem to a "T". Thanks for the encouragement!
Rhonda
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Pardna. After reading this I feel like the student in this relationship. The rhyme and flow are perfect and the rhythm is supremely presented. The story itself is a shattering one and descriptions such as "almost known" bring it into the readers heart with the power of a typhoon. You are a star my friend. Execptional work, congratulations. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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G'day Pardna. After reading this I feel like the student in this relationship. The rhyme and flow are perfect and the rhythm is supremely presented. The story itself is a shattering one and descriptions such as "almost known" bring it into the readers heart with the power of a typhoon. You are a star my friend. Execptional work, congratulations. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much Fez, but you remain the master, and I your humble student. Thanks for the wonderful 6 stars, and brilliant review! Take care
Rhonda
Comment from Rubylou
What a tug-of war! Only this is no game. The horrible hard choices ad fallout form bad ones destroys so much of lives of people. It hurts severely to watch a loved one repeated loose out on life.
We recently buried a family member who struggled. The song at his funeral was ,"My Way." So very, very sad.
Your words are true and quatrains with the rhyme scheme are wonderful.
Rubylou
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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What a tug-of war! Only this is no game. The horrible hard choices ad fallout form bad ones destroys so much of lives of people. It hurts severely to watch a loved one repeated loose out on life.
We recently buried a family member who struggled. The song at his funeral was ,"My Way." So very, very sad.
Your words are true and quatrains with the rhyme scheme are wonderful.
Rubylou
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Rubylou, for your comments and review. It is hard to watch, and your analogy of a tug-of-war game is spot on. I'm sorry for your family member. So many people are hurt by destructive behavior and I know the offender doesn't even realize the rippling effect of what they do!
Comment from Jesse James Doty
I can relate to your poem. I am a recovered addict and haven't used in a very long time. But, I have an addictive personality and so I am constantly fighting the demon within. Cigarettes, online spending, munching too much on snacks--these are just some of the ways I deal with life to cope.
An excellent poem. I like the flow and the rhymes in it. The subject matter hits home and so it comes alive for me as I read it. Thank you for sharing your life and your poetry.
Peace, Jesse James
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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I can relate to your poem. I am a recovered addict and haven't used in a very long time. But, I have an addictive personality and so I am constantly fighting the demon within. Cigarettes, online spending, munching too much on snacks--these are just some of the ways I deal with life to cope.
An excellent poem. I like the flow and the rhymes in it. The subject matter hits home and so it comes alive for me as I read it. Thank you for sharing your life and your poetry.
Peace, Jesse James
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much for sharing your own battles. I think I inherited a bit of his nature in that I have trouble hanging onto things, like Fan Story, reading, eating, etc. I try to remember and not let it get so out of hand that it interrupts daily living or relationships. Most of the time, I can pull it off. I applaud you for what you have overcome, Jesse. It's a long hard trip.
Rhonda
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Everyone has their battles to overcome. You and I are survivors.
Peace, Jesse James
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Addictions of any kind are serious monsters to battle. Losing someone you care for to that addiction, and seeing what it is doing to them while they are alive, makes it that much worse as this well written poem clearly depicts.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Addictions of any kind are serious monsters to battle. Losing someone you care for to that addiction, and seeing what it is doing to them while they are alive, makes it that much worse as this well written poem clearly depicts.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Thank you for your review and comments, Brett. My father was a wonderful poet, and was the one who turned me onto storytelling at a very early age, but he battled with alcoholism for as long as I knew him. Eventually, he lost the battle. Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
thank you for sharing the words in this poem.
It describes well the father you never 'knew' because he
hid the real man inside his addiction.
The words and the rhyme flowed well, was easy to read and kept my interest.
Well done, Carolyn
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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thank you for sharing the words in this poem.
It describes well the father you never 'knew' because he
hid the real man inside his addiction.
The words and the rhyme flowed well, was easy to read and kept my interest.
Well done, Carolyn
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much, Carolyn. You got the point exactly! Thank you, too, for taking the time to review,
Rhonda
Comment from Pantygynt
I like the idea of "almost" here. The addiction putting up a barrier between you. This is a powerful poem that loses just a little of its power when read aloud in my plummy English accent. The final rhyme of was/flaw only works in an American accent. As soon as I read it that way its power was there.
2nd Review.
Ah the international version! A good powerful rhyme to end on. Much as I like approximate rhyme, in this instance this change has improved the whole thing.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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I like the idea of "almost" here. The addiction putting up a barrier between you. This is a powerful poem that loses just a little of its power when read aloud in my plummy English accent. The final rhyme of was/flaw only works in an American accent. As soon as I read it that way its power was there.
2nd Review.
Ah the international version! A good powerful rhyme to end on. Much as I like approximate rhyme, in this instance this change has improved the whole thing.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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In deference to my many readers, I changed that verse if you would like to reread and see if it sounds better now. I went for a "real" rhyme rather than an "iffy" one. Thanks so much!
Rhonda
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Much better. I have added a comment to my review.
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Okay, thanks so much!
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read it again. I am very happy to satisfy multi national readers! To be honest, I wasn't really happy with those rhymes either. Strong is better! Great suggestion,
Rhonda
Comment from kiwijenny
So hard and so true. Your broken heart by his addiction
Fathers should choose family
My dad hated his father for the addiction but in adulthood came to understand at least the reasons. It didn't undo the pain though
God bless
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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So hard and so true. Your broken heart by his addiction
Fathers should choose family
My dad hated his father for the addiction but in adulthood came to understand at least the reasons. It didn't undo the pain though
God bless
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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I know he really tried, and off and on, it would work, and then he would start looking for excuses to drink, and would find someone to blame for it. Once he put the blame on me for telling him something he didn't want to hear about my sister, but he asked and I'm not known for keeping my mouth shut. I mourned his "falling off the wagon" and blamed myself until my grandmother sat me down and explained how alcoholics work. I still loved him, but no longer let him put the blame on me. Thanks for the review and comments!
Rhonda
Comment from olliebuster
That is torment in its truest form. Its like reaching for something, your fingers touch it but your hand cannot grasp it. Its agony within. Some turn to drink, some turn to vices to satisfy their craving. When reaching out to
the children is not achievable, you sit and rot. You are recognized as a brilliant soul whose dreams are wasted. You seek solace with the spirit in the bottle or worst. A very good poem. One that makes the reader think
and reflect inwardly. Olliebuster
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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That is torment in its truest form. Its like reaching for something, your fingers touch it but your hand cannot grasp it. Its agony within. Some turn to drink, some turn to vices to satisfy their craving. When reaching out to
the children is not achievable, you sit and rot. You are recognized as a brilliant soul whose dreams are wasted. You seek solace with the spirit in the bottle or worst. A very good poem. One that makes the reader think
and reflect inwardly. Olliebuster
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Wow, you totally nailed it, my friend! That's exactly what we went through with my ultra talented father who often chose the drink over us. Thank you!
Rhonda
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A good poem deserves a good review. Well done. Olliebuster
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is a great poem and the perfect picture
to go with it, however your last two lines need help.
They don't rhyme. I suggest something like...
What might have been could never be.
Addiction took my Dad from me
remove the word[by] in second stanza. 9 syllables
Add ]his] to child and wife
by life's [long] struggle... remove long 9 syllables
You poem tells how addiction kept you from knowing your father. Well done. Just needs a little tweaking. Nancy
You might add a comma after what might have been. It is much better. The meter is a bit off in a line or two, but that will come in time. Well done Rhonda. N
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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This is a great poem and the perfect picture
to go with it, however your last two lines need help.
They don't rhyme. I suggest something like...
What might have been could never be.
Addiction took my Dad from me
remove the word[by] in second stanza. 9 syllables
Add ]his] to child and wife
by life's [long] struggle... remove long 9 syllables
You poem tells how addiction kept you from knowing your father. Well done. Just needs a little tweaking. Nancy
You might add a comma after what might have been. It is much better. The meter is a bit off in a line or two, but that will come in time. Well done Rhonda. N
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much, Nancy! I appreciate you taking the time to help me spiff it up. If you get a chance, would mind seeing how it reads now? Great suggestions.
Rhonda
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My daughters name is/was Rhonda Davis before Marriage. LOL I will check it out. Happy to help. N
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Now, that's a real coincidence! She must be a wonderful young lady!
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Without a doubt, after all , she is my daughter! LOL Nancy