Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Smiler Jack"A collection of my poems
75 total reviews
Comment from strandregs
Was- after beer spoils flow
I had not a thing to give instead of I had no more to give.
To build the dreaded rail of death -instead of -off to Burma to build the Rail of Death.
She eased the pain abolished strife -Instead of - she eased the pain and strife
Forgive me for trying to improve , I love the sing song lilting sound of the rhyming and verse I think it's excellent and a sure winner .Zelick
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Was- after beer spoils flow
I had not a thing to give instead of I had no more to give.
To build the dreaded rail of death -instead of -off to Burma to build the Rail of Death.
She eased the pain abolished strife -Instead of - she eased the pain and strife
Forgive me for trying to improve , I love the sing song lilting sound of the rhyming and verse I think it's excellent and a sure winner .Zelick
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thanks, Zelick. I am actually still polishing this one for another competition so I will certainly look at your suggestions. As for certain winner, I am not so sure - these things tend to be pretty fiercely contested and there's still a month to go.
Keep an eye out for the alternate ending to this - I will post it soon because it's too good to miss and is guaranteed to get a guffaw out of just about anyone...
Steve
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It's twenty nears -you got nears instead of years.
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Yep, just found and fixed it.
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I love your story as well is it all made up ? if so you are goood.
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Yeah, this one just grew - the opening lines popped into my head while I was on a bus strangely enough and then it was just
'why was he down?'
'what might happen next'
'what events might an old man have lived through (Forrest Gumpish)?'
'Singapore, because I lived there for a while'
'Death Railway' because it's interesting and a logical extension of Singapore'
'Ghost - needed something different'
'Ta-da - happy ending'
Did I say I also have an alternate not-so-happy ending??
Steve
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thanks for sharing , I think it's brilliant and I like the ending,I might like the alternative ending as well.Zelike
Comment from kiwigirl2821
I watched a movie a long time ago called a "Town Called Alice" I think it dealt with this sort of thing. Anyway you write with complete passion and even though to me it sounded a little long winded in places, you did an incredible job with the write. Good luck in your contest. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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I watched a movie a long time ago called a "Town Called Alice" I think it dealt with this sort of thing. Anyway you write with complete passion and even though to me it sounded a little long winded in places, you did an incredible job with the write. Good luck in your contest. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Yes, I remember 'A Town like Alice' - based on a Nevil Shute novel - you are right, the first part dealt with the Japanese invasion and there was a crucifixion scene I think.
I did try to keep the length down, honest!
Steve
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lol xoxo Kiwi
Comment from JoAnna77
I really like this story in a poem - Smiler Jack is very inspirational despite all he went through, and despite his being a ghost. In spite of all the hard times and sufferings you describe in this story - the poem encourages us to keep going - and I am glad that the character in the story manages to pick up the pieces of his life and be reconciled to his wife and children.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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I really like this story in a poem - Smiler Jack is very inspirational despite all he went through, and despite his being a ghost. In spite of all the hard times and sufferings you describe in this story - the poem encourages us to keep going - and I am glad that the character in the story manages to pick up the pieces of his life and be reconciled to his wife and children.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you! I guess you wouldn't like my alternate ending then - the one where the wife tells him 'you're bloody dreamin' and shoots through with his best friend! It's really funny though!
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No - I prefer the happy ending where he is reconciled to his wife!
Comment from KiwiGal
Wow. Much more serious. Succinct, 'musical' (I can hear the Aussie drone still), pathos, great linking of the past with the present - you rival Banjo Patterson in story-telling in this history lesson on how the ANZACs always went to war for others .. and how men shouldn't drink and smoke when they're broke!
I notice he didn't swear to give up the womanizing at the end - bit of a worry that. She's taking a chance.... heheh
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Wow. Much more serious. Succinct, 'musical' (I can hear the Aussie drone still), pathos, great linking of the past with the present - you rival Banjo Patterson in story-telling in this history lesson on how the ANZACs always went to war for others .. and how men shouldn't drink and smoke when they're broke!
I notice he didn't swear to give up the womanizing at the end - bit of a worry that. She's taking a chance.... heheh
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Ha! I wondered how long it would be before someone pointed that out - a man's got to have some pleasures left!
This is a piece I want to enter in the local 'bush poetry' competition.
I do have an alternate ending for this which would make you laugh. Will send it tomorrow - got to get back to earning dollars to get a cert. for this.
Steve
Comment from Laurie Flori
Very very good - I loved it - could almost be put to music as a ballad. Your rhyming was perfect & it flowed so well - I wanted to read more - you'll have to continue it with him going back to his wife & starting a whole new life. Just a thought!!
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reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Very very good - I loved it - could almost be put to music as a ballad. Your rhyming was perfect & it flowed so well - I wanted to read more - you'll have to continue it with him going back to his wife & starting a whole new life. Just a thought!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thanks for the great review. I do have a little more .... it's an alternat ending, but it's a bit naughty...