Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Chapter 3 Part three"Can love survive small town gossip?
87 total reviews
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
It is always a pleasure to read and review your work. Good reading; easy reviewing.
She faced the dance floor[no comma] before she took his hand in hers. "At my senior prom[,] my drink was spiked and I didn't know it." She brushed a strand of hair
from her cheek[mo comma before "before"] before she gulped.
Sunday[] after church[,] I was walking to the car[. H]e drove up, rolled down the window and handed me my panties.
Roberta
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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It is always a pleasure to read and review your work. Good reading; easy reviewing.
She faced the dance floor[no comma] before she took his hand in hers. "At my senior prom[,] my drink was spiked and I didn't know it." She brushed a strand of hair
from her cheek[mo comma before "before"] before she gulped.
Sunday[] after church[,] I was walking to the car[. H]e drove up, rolled down the window and handed me my panties.
Roberta
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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I have commaed and uncommmaed those areas. I am about to rewrite those areas, and just get rid of them. Thank you for your kind review. It's always a pleasure to hear from you.
Comment from Shirley McLain
what a great chapter. You have written in so much intensity and emotions. You brought everything to my minds eye. You deserve the "6". Great job.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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what a great chapter. You have written in so much intensity and emotions. You brought everything to my minds eye. You deserve the "6". Great job.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your suport.
Comment from mtngalofnc
Hi barbara,
I enjoyed this chapter so much. It is obvious that these two are in love. I thought Joe handled the scene with Roy very well and I am glad Sara finally told him what happened.
Your story flows well and it is easily read. Dialogue great and the story has an ending which leaves me wanting to read more. No spag issues did I see. Thank you for sharing.
Becky
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Hi barbara,
I enjoyed this chapter so much. It is obvious that these two are in love. I thought Joe handled the scene with Roy very well and I am glad Sara finally told him what happened.
Your story flows well and it is easily read. Dialogue great and the story has an ending which leaves me wanting to read more. No spag issues did I see. Thank you for sharing.
Becky
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from menachem
I actually really like the picture, and the explanation, sometimes I find it really hard to find what I'm looking for, (picture wise.)
It seems unfair that she has to suffer while the person that did it to her gets off scot-free. Do we get to meet him?
As usual, it's nice.
See you!
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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I actually really like the picture, and the explanation, sometimes I find it really hard to find what I'm looking for, (picture wise.)
It seems unfair that she has to suffer while the person that did it to her gets off scot-free. Do we get to meet him?
As usual, it's nice.
See you!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Yes you will meet this man and he receives what's coming to him. Thank you for hanging around. I am sure romance is not your usual genre.
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Yes you will meet this man and he receives what's coming to him. Thank you for hanging around. I am sure romance is not your usual genre.
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Actually, anything I can't enjoy, isn't my genre. Anything I can, could just as well be!:)
You're welcome, though.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
Okay, you've done well with this chapter dialogue wise.
I give a "fiver" because The only "nit" is where you have "thay" which should be your favorite word "that." I didn't catch any SPAG, but I may have missed it.
What you need to consider is "sense of place." Joe brought Sara to the event in a big limo. Why not use that to enhance the arrival.
Your good dialogue is exchanged in a vacuum. What does the hotel entrance look like? How rich is the lighting in the ballroom? What music are they dancing to? Is there a live band? You're not giving the reader any atmosphere.
How is Ginger dressed? Is Roy in a tux? Are the other guys dressed formal? Sara might notice what a few of the other women are wearing.
The atmosphere seems empty, you need to fill it up.
Your scene with Roy and Joe at the door needs to be stronger. The reader won't get the impact of what Joe did with the finger and wrist thing. It went right by me.
This is my take here, but the way you wrote the backseat romp and what happened after would nail down the fact that the dude is Cassie's father. Sara may have been drunk, but she hadn't been fooling around with other guys, so there it is. I got the message immediately.
As far as never discussing it with her parents, it's not realistic. Her parents would not let it slide. Sara was a minor. Somebody would be facing charges of one kind or another.
You can't leave holes like this in the story. Avid romance readers will close the book. Let me rephrase that: an agent will have put the rejection slip in the return envelope.
Here we are in chapter three-part three and there's still no major conflict or event. You're not giving the reader a page-turner.
I'm only trying to help. What I've pointed out would apply to romance fiction as well as any other form. I know what I'm talking about.
Don't get all upset about it.
Ted
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
Okay, you've done well with this chapter dialogue wise.
I give a "fiver" because The only "nit" is where you have "thay" which should be your favorite word "that." I didn't catch any SPAG, but I may have missed it.
What you need to consider is "sense of place." Joe brought Sara to the event in a big limo. Why not use that to enhance the arrival.
Your good dialogue is exchanged in a vacuum. What does the hotel entrance look like? How rich is the lighting in the ballroom? What music are they dancing to? Is there a live band? You're not giving the reader any atmosphere.
How is Ginger dressed? Is Roy in a tux? Are the other guys dressed formal? Sara might notice what a few of the other women are wearing.
The atmosphere seems empty, you need to fill it up.
Your scene with Roy and Joe at the door needs to be stronger. The reader won't get the impact of what Joe did with the finger and wrist thing. It went right by me.
This is my take here, but the way you wrote the backseat romp and what happened after would nail down the fact that the dude is Cassie's father. Sara may have been drunk, but she hadn't been fooling around with other guys, so there it is. I got the message immediately.
As far as never discussing it with her parents, it's not realistic. Her parents would not let it slide. Sara was a minor. Somebody would be facing charges of one kind or another.
You can't leave holes like this in the story. Avid romance readers will close the book. Let me rephrase that: an agent will have put the rejection slip in the return envelope.
Here we are in chapter three-part three and there's still no major conflict or event. You're not giving the reader a page-turner.
I'm only trying to help. What I've pointed out would apply to romance fiction as well as any other form. I know what I'm talking about.
Don't get all upset about it.
Ted
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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I have made a hard copy of your suggestions. I will try to add some of these suggestions to it. I try to be cautious because one of the guidelines to romance is if it doesn't move the romance along, leave it out. I may have followed this guideline too closely.
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I have made a hard copy of your suggestions. I will try to add some of these suggestions to it. I try to be cautious because one of the guidelines to romance is if it doesn't move the romance along, leave it out. I may have followed this guideline too closely.
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You must've hit send twice, I have two copies of this reply.
Atmosphere should enhance the romance. Read from a published romance novel and see if it has a sense of place in its scenes.
The Webinar went well. You're not going to like some of what Mr. Bell had to say about attributions and "happy Talk."
I'll start writing the lecture this evening.
Ted
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I am anxious to read what he has to say. I am looking forward to your lecture. I am an avid reader of romance. I have an author I read everything she puts out. Other's don't care for at all. It's all a style issue. There's some well known author's I don't like to read, other's I do. I think that's why there's so many different styles of writing.
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Mr. Bell touched on style and it can work in Dialogue.
I have a ton of notes to sift through.
Ted
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I am sure you do. I bet you are like my first graders and being a sponge soaking it all in.
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The new lecture is posted.
I wrote it in a single six-hour session while the information was fresh.
Enjoy.
Ted
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
I thoroughly enjoyed this read, especially how Sara finally got the courage to tell Joe how she became pregnant. One thing you could think of - What man at the reunion looks a lot like Cassie? Also, Roy sounds like a loser. I wouldn't be surprised if he brings some buddies around to beat up on Joe. They wouldn't stand a chance.
I thoroughly enjoyed this read and have a couple of suggestions:
"Instead of helping me to the front door, he opened the [car's] back door and sort of shoved me inside; but I don't remember how."
"I refuse to give him anymore [any more - two words] control of my life."
Dave
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Barbara,
I thoroughly enjoyed this read, especially how Sara finally got the courage to tell Joe how she became pregnant. One thing you could think of - What man at the reunion looks a lot like Cassie? Also, Roy sounds like a loser. I wouldn't be surprised if he brings some buddies around to beat up on Joe. They wouldn't stand a chance.
I thoroughly enjoyed this read and have a couple of suggestions:
"Instead of helping me to the front door, he opened the [car's] back door and sort of shoved me inside; but I don't remember how."
"I refuse to give him anymore [any more - two words] control of my life."
Dave
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. I am making those suggestions. I appreciate hearing from you.
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Thank you for your kind words. I am making those suggestions. I appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from meg2
Very nice, the flow is smooth and clear. I so nothing grammatically wrong only one thing stood out that you might want to look at again. In the line below the word male seems almost to formal for the paragraph the name Roy would fit better (in my opinion...I Am not the author) but I do not think this change would call for a change when you introduce Roy's full name.
As they stood in the doorway, a former male classmate walked up to her. "Why don't we take a spin around the dance floor for old time sake?"
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Very nice, the flow is smooth and clear. I so nothing grammatically wrong only one thing stood out that you might want to look at again. In the line below the word male seems almost to formal for the paragraph the name Roy would fit better (in my opinion...I Am not the author) but I do not think this change would call for a change when you introduce Roy's full name.
As they stood in the doorway, a former male classmate walked up to her. "Why don't we take a spin around the dance floor for old time sake?"
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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I will recheck that paragraph and see what I can do. Thank you for your kind review.
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I will recheck that paragraph and see what I can do. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi bab, this was a sweet chapter. When I started reading, I realised we were in Joe's POV after reading this part:
Joe had watched the medium-built man size him up, then noticed Sara's nervousness.
So here:
"You're the youngest of five Moore brothers." [The twinkle in Joe's eyes] showed a glimpse of his confidence.
Now Joe can't see the twinkle in his eyes, right? Maybe describe something else that gives him the confidence - something in Roy's eyes?
Joe reached over with [is] left hand and placed two fingers - his
[A smile crossed Joe's face]. I wonder if he's in enough pain, yet. - here again, POV confusion. We're definitely in his head by that active thought going on. He can't see a smile crossing his face. Try this way:
Joe smiled. I wonder if he's in enough pain, yet.
You were a victim of date rape.["]
Hope those help.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Hi bab, this was a sweet chapter. When I started reading, I realised we were in Joe's POV after reading this part:
Joe had watched the medium-built man size him up, then noticed Sara's nervousness.
So here:
"You're the youngest of five Moore brothers." [The twinkle in Joe's eyes] showed a glimpse of his confidence.
Now Joe can't see the twinkle in his eyes, right? Maybe describe something else that gives him the confidence - something in Roy's eyes?
Joe reached over with [is] left hand and placed two fingers - his
[A smile crossed Joe's face]. I wonder if he's in enough pain, yet. - here again, POV confusion. We're definitely in his head by that active thought going on. He can't see a smile crossing his face. Try this way:
Joe smiled. I wonder if he's in enough pain, yet.
You were a victim of date rape.["]
Hope those help.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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It is always good to hear from you. I wait to see how a chapter works by your review. Thank you for your support.
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It is always good to hear from you. I wait to see how a chapter works by your review. Thank you for your support.
Comment from writerdds31
Nice chapter, long on fill, short a bit on the lead ups, and fall a ways. But it keeps the reading moving along at a quick pace that keeps them drawn to the story itself and not the inept characters that can be shown in a single page or thought. Looking forward to the next chapter to see where it goes.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Nice chapter, long on fill, short a bit on the lead ups, and fall a ways. But it keeps the reading moving along at a quick pace that keeps them drawn to the story itself and not the inept characters that can be shown in a single page or thought. Looking forward to the next chapter to see where it goes.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2010
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Most of the 'lead ups' come in the previous chapters. That's why it's classified as a novel. Thank you for your review.
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Most of the 'lead ups' come in the previous chapters. That's why it's classified as a novel. Thank you for your review.
Comment from LadyWave
It was great to hear Sara's story, even though it was a heartbreaking one. I thought you told it with great ease and care. I always enjoy Joe's chivalry - you continue to build his character well.
One spelling error noted - Joe reached over with (h)is left hand...
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
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It was great to hear Sara's story, even though it was a heartbreaking one. I thought you told it with great ease and care. I always enjoy Joe's chivalry - you continue to build his character well.
One spelling error noted - Joe reached over with (h)is left hand...
Comment Written 21-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010
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I have made that correction. Thank you for catching it. I appreciate your review and support.
