POEMS, SONGS AND NOTES
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Dreams Lost"When I dabble at things.....
83 total reviews
Comment from StevenJosephBruening
A very prime example of a haiku, with all the requirements, including the kigo (seasonsal word reference), and the satori, or the turn. Well done and an excellent entry into the contest! Best of luck!
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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A very prime example of a haiku, with all the requirements, including the kigo (seasonsal word reference), and the satori, or the turn. Well done and an excellent entry into the contest! Best of luck!
Comment Written 09-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Steven
Thanks so much for the great review. I truly appreciate your comments. CArol
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You are most welcome!
~ Steven
Comment from mermaids
A haiku that is true to life and many can relate to. A sorrow that oftens takes place and you have captured the feeling here. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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A haiku that is true to life and many can relate to. A sorrow that oftens takes place and you have captured the feeling here. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Mermaids Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I greatly appreciate it. Carol
Comment from WRITER1
Some people are players they pretend to fall in love and then turn and run the other way. I hope your daughter finds her true love. Good poem.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Some people are players they pretend to fall in love and then turn and run the other way. I hope your daughter finds her true love. Good poem.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Joy So do I..she certainly deserves it. She is a great mom and has 6 months left of college for a vet tech. She tries very hard...Thank you so much. Carol
Comment from MizKat
Your poetry is pretty from the words you use and with the accompanied picture. This is a new kind of poetry for me. I never heard of it before, until a joined here. Good job!
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Your poetry is pretty from the words you use and with the accompanied picture. This is a new kind of poetry for me. I never heard of it before, until a joined here. Good job!
Comment Written 09-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Kat A poet I am not. I prefer to write stories, but this one just seemed to pop into my head. Thanks for the review. CArol
Comment from Amicus
I like the imagery in this little poem, Carol, and you do a good job of conveying succinctly the sense of deep sorrow and disappointment associated with a failed romance but 3 issues need adjustment. There are 6 syllables in the last line; haiku/senyru traditionally are presented totally in lower case letters; and this poem is more appropriately a senryu as it deals mainly with a human condition not nature although winter is mentioned. This may be problematic as a haiku contest entry due to the syllable count error primarily as the contest allows any topics and the example given has capital beginning each line for some odd reason.
As a little poem, it works well...as a 5-7-5 haiku not so much unless you make the adjustments.
* much better with adjustments...you deserve the 5th. star now! re-rated. :>)
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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I like the imagery in this little poem, Carol, and you do a good job of conveying succinctly the sense of deep sorrow and disappointment associated with a failed romance but 3 issues need adjustment. There are 6 syllables in the last line; haiku/senyru traditionally are presented totally in lower case letters; and this poem is more appropriately a senryu as it deals mainly with a human condition not nature although winter is mentioned. This may be problematic as a haiku contest entry due to the syllable count error primarily as the contest allows any topics and the example given has capital beginning each line for some odd reason.
As a little poem, it works well...as a 5-7-5 haiku not so much unless you make the adjustments.
* much better with adjustments...you deserve the 5th. star now! re-rated. :>)
Comment Written 09-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Amicus The Webster dictionary lists un able as two syllables which is where I believe you are counting three. Since I most definitely am not a poet, I only went by the dictionary. Thank you for the review. Carol
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Interesting variation..both my Merriam-Webster and my Oxford list unable as a three syllable word...un a ble...you probably should make an author's note that you are using you Webster's 2 syllable variant ...I wonder how one pronounces unable in 2 syllables??
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Amicus Thank you so much...I changed the last line to read hearts unmendable. I think that will solve my problem. Thanks so much for your help. Carol
Comment from adewpearl
hearts/un/a/ble/to/mend - that is six syllables in your third line
you do an excellent job of conveying how blissful feelings of love can turn to woeful feelings of loss/betrayal/disappointment - you just need to take care of that one extra syllable since that is a contest requirement - as with all contest entries, I deduct a star but am more than happy to add it on once you tell me the problem is fixed :-) Brooke
rating adjusted up to reflect a good revision :-)
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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hearts/un/a/ble/to/mend - that is six syllables in your third line
you do an excellent job of conveying how blissful feelings of love can turn to woeful feelings of loss/betrayal/disappointment - you just need to take care of that one extra syllable since that is a contest requirement - as with all contest entries, I deduct a star but am more than happy to add it on once you tell me the problem is fixed :-) Brooke
rating adjusted up to reflect a good revision :-)
Comment Written 09-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Brooke I need help....The webster dictionary lists it as two syllables un able . I even looked up the word able by itself and it shows one syllable. Should I be looking for syllables other than the dictionary...You know I never have claimed to know the rules of poetry...I should stick to stories....Can you give me any further advice...I trust you very much to lead me down the correct path. Thanks Carol
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aybel is the way it is pronounced - think of syllables as beats - if you were tapping a pencil on the desk to each time you hear a separate sound, ay - is one sound or beat and el is a second sound/beat - it's impossible to say the word in one beat. Think of it like music - you would not sing aybel all on one note - it would take two - it rhymes with table and label, also two syllable words.
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the Webster online dictionary clearly identifies able as two syllables - I'm not at all sure what is up with your dictionary or perhaps the way you're reading it??
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Brooke Thanks for the advice. I changed the last line to hearts unmendable. Removing the to which I hope should fix the problem. I appreciate your assistance. Thanks again. Carol
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great fix - I will up my score right now :-)
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Thank you so much...Sorry your poor student is such a slow learner from one of the best...Thanks for having patience with me. Carol
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hey, you are willing to listen - some people just go into defensive mode and won't even try to understand constructive criticism - the sign of a good writer is someone who is willing to revise and figure something new out!!!
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Thanks for making me smile...Carol
Comment from Adam Smith
Well captured emotion and I love a poem that sort of spans this much time. It hints at so much that may have happened, but is vague enough for us to fill in the blanks with memories of our own experiences. Great job. Enjoyable read. Adam
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Well captured emotion and I love a poem that sort of spans this much time. It hints at so much that may have happened, but is vague enough for us to fill in the blanks with memories of our own experiences. Great job. Enjoyable read. Adam
Comment Written 09-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Adam Thanks for reading and reviewing my poem. I certainly appreciate it. Thanks again CArol
Comment from Blue Danube
Begin Again:
This is a great haiku. You've done it well; much meaning and three lines.
Whatever happened, it is good your daughter was able to call you.
It is great to know that family will nurture versus add insult to injury.
Blue
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Begin Again:
This is a great haiku. You've done it well; much meaning and three lines.
Whatever happened, it is good your daughter was able to call you.
It is great to know that family will nurture versus add insult to injury.
Blue
Comment Written 09-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Blue Thank you so much. Our family is held together by some very tight bonds. We've had to face a lot of tragedy. I am sure we will make it through this one too. It will just take time. Thank you so much. Carol
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I wish you and your family all the best.
Blue
Comment from Joan E.
I am sorry to hear of your daughter's sad loss and confusion. Your senryu really captures that mood. (The only snag is that I believe your third line has six syllables.) I also liked your use of alliteration.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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I am sorry to hear of your daughter's sad loss and confusion. Your senryu really captures that mood. (The only snag is that I believe your third line has six syllables.) I also liked your use of alliteration.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Joan I don't know what to do...the dictionary says un able is 2 syllables which is where I believe everyone is getting 3. Should I be getting the count somewhere else other than the dictionary. I certainly never claim to be a poet or know any of the rules. I rely on my friends for help. Thanks so much. Carol
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Hi, Carol--you poor thing to get caught in this circus. I use Webster's and it shows three syllables. If you are using a standard dictionary, just indicate in your notes that you are counting "unable" as two syllables, and cite your dictionary reference. If you doubt your dictionary's reliability, shorten the line. I have heard folks who use on-line dictionaries have this problem--they are not standardized. Good luck. -Joan
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I went back to look at your poem, and the only thing I could come up with if you have to shorten it is "hearts unmendable." -Joan
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Joan
I thank you so much for that suggestion. So simple but so far from my foggy brain. I greatly appreciate your help. Thank you again. Carol
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It's too hard to think flexible when the pressure builds and time seems to be racing. I am pleased I could help. Thanks for being open to suggestions. Some folks become defensive or hurt when a reviewer mentions a correction. I'm grateful when someone calls a boo-boo to my attention, since it gives me a chance to fix it and learn from the experience. I look forward to reading your work in the future, especially since I enjoyed your haiku so much. The ideas and feelings are so much more important to me than syllable count or meter. -Joan
Comment from Pirie
Simple but eloquent. The emotions expressed are unique, but universal. It leaves the reader wondering just what went wrong. Good job!
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Simple but eloquent. The emotions expressed are unique, but universal. It leaves the reader wondering just what went wrong. Good job!
Comment Written 09-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
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Pirie And the rest of us too. She's a wonderful mother, furthering her education and struggling to keep them together. Thanks for the kind review. Carol