Comment from hithereeveryone

Excellent

This is sound advice for writers as well as reviewers and I wish more people would take it to heart. I don't know how many "Dude got up and brushed his teeth" beginnings I've read, commented on, and was subsequently ripped in two by an ungracious author for not "getting it." I got it. It was dull.

I'm also a firm believer in, hook them fast, keep them interested and keep them coming back, mostly because I'm heavily influenced by comics as a part of my style. You talk about keeping someone's attention for the length of time it takes to pee, how about a whole month!

On your writing, however, though you bring up good points supported by examples, I'm not too crazy about the jokey tone. It detracts from the over all excellence of the suggestions, almost as if you are still kidding about stuff you firmly believe.

Keep shouting at the wind, my friend. Lots of people could use this advice.

Peace

-HI

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2006

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reply by the author on 12-Dec-2006

Thank you -HI for your candid comments. I admit, my humor isn't for everyone or hitereeveryone. To some is was a glue that helped theim "stick" to the chapter until the end. I've got to tell you, more people liked it than didn't -- but I'm interested in your reasoning. I didn't stop to think that it could cause one to conclude that I don't take my ideas seriously. I do, humbly thank you for reading and commenting thus, and I hope you too stick through it for a few more chapters.

Jay

Comment from Chester McEnroe

Exceptional

My last "6 Star" goes to you. This was such a helpfull piece. In fact, it's almost as useful as Stephen King's "On Writing", (a must read for ever aspiring writer). I am going to check out some of the previous chapters. Perhaps this will turn into a writer's "Strategy Guide" for me. Great job!

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2006

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reply by the author on 12-Dec-2006

Bless you ChipMcEnroe and, my goodness! A sixer. I really am touched that you felt it was that worthy. Please visit my future contributions to critting. I hope you like them as well. Thank you so much!

Jay

Comment from Alex in BC

Excellent

jaysquires,

Thanks, I finally got through it. The idea you present is great. Your writing is great, good, excellent.

I think you needed your cleaver, and well-written story within the story to get your point. Still I wish it was shorter, and more to-the-point, without so much extra.

Thank you very much for writing it and I appreciate what I learned, just wanted to get the message sooner and get on with life.

Thanks,

Alex

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2006

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reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

Thank you, Alex. I've been told by a lot of people that I should aim to cut out some of the unnecessary stuff, but you're the first to suggest a cleaver to chop through the excess. Point well taken, my friend. I do appreciate your commentary. Give the next one a shot. I'll try to keep it more to the point, so you can leave your cleaver at home, LOL.

Jay

reply by Alex in BC on 12-Dec-2006

Jay,

Yes, c-l-e-v-e-r, thanks, LOL, love it!

But I like the cleaver approach. HA HA, great fun. Thanks again.

I can hardly write because my eyes are full of tears, I am laughing so hard and crying at my fun blunder. Now my wife is cracking up.

Now this is too long -- now I've got it out again -- my cleaver that is.

Alex

Comment from Pit Bull Mom

Excellent

Another informative and well thoughtout chapter of Why the Critter Crits, Jay. Your analogies are sound and interesting, and your "speaking" voice comes across as if you're an old friend, trying to teacher a lesson - patiently, and humurously, so as to keep the reader's attention.

I wondered though, if it would be easier to "see" if the example sentences, paragraphs, etc. were indented completely (whole block) instead of just the first line? Some computers don't show the italics very well (for instance - My home laptop shows it just fine, but the hotel I stayed at in Vegas this week didn't show the italics hardly at all, so I had to stop several times to figure out where we were at in thi lesson). I didn't finish reading it, because something didn't seem right - but after returning home today I took a look at I can see the just fine. Anyway, just a suggestion. (I've had several tell me they couldn't see my italics very well but they showed up fine on my screen - so that's why I make this suggestion).

Good job - and another wonderful lesson.

Looking forward to the next one.

No nits or SPAGs noted.

~Hetaher~

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2006

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reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

Thank you Heather, for your kind words and your suggestion. I know that after I posted it and went back in to take a gander, I found that I lost over half my italics. I had to redo them. I don't recall having that problem in previous postings. I'm looking forward to having you along for the next installment.

Jay

Comment from Adora Bayles

Excellent

Jay, the more I read your article, the more flattered I feel when I receive your reviews of my work. You write it in a way that one cannot avoid understanding how grab and keep a reader to the end. Thank you for sharing. I hope you have time to read my holiday contest entry, "Jingles, in memory of Pearl Harbor, December 7, 1941. Enjoy!
Adora

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2006

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reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

Adora, I will definitely make time to read "Jingles" just as soon as the reviews stop coming in. I'm thinking either tonight or tomorrow. You said some wonderfully nice things about me. I'm blushing, but appreciative.

Jay

Comment from Mastery

Excellent

Hi,,Jay...read m"First five Pages, longago...and many many more to boot Like Robert's Rules For Writing" Excellent...and 36 things that will get you rejected or some such thing....Anyway, I am just wondering, where you have gotten your credentials to make you an expert on "hooks" and the like? Are you an editor? A teacher? Just curious. This soiree into tips is very admirable, indeed..Just would be best if you reveal your background for this...(I would much sooner see you write so we can see how it's done...Bob

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2006

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reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

You know what they say... Writers write, teachers teach. I'm afraid I have no credentials. I've been writing for over forty years -- made every mistake in the books and will continue to make more than my share. I'm afraid I must have mis-spoken somewhere, though, if I said I was an expert on hooks, or any other aspect of critting. I do have a bachelor's degree with Enlish as my major (why do I feel that I'm applying for a job?) I do have some stories and an inferior brand of poetry in my portfolio for anyone to look at. None of it claims, however, to show you "how it's done." Anyway, thanks for your candid comments.

Jay

reply by Mastery on 11-Dec-2006

Thanks, Jay...I was just concerned that perhaps I was missing the boat here...that perhaps you could impart some new pointers for me...seriously...Thee are a couple of English teahces on here, you know..One is gone...but, Ed Baldwin is a teacher as is SunEagle, I believe...Sorry if you took this the wrong way...I meant no harm...Bob

reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

You don't need any pointers, my friend, at least from me. I mean that. You are a consummate pro in my book. My, did my bristles show? LOL.

Jay

reply by Mastery on 11-Dec-2006

a tad...but I think I deserved it...LOL...Bob By the way...have you looked at my SantaDiary entries? I would love your take on them....Bob

reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

I'll catch them just as soon as the reviews (Fanstory's usage) get under a little more control. Probably tomorrow.

Jay

reply by Mastery on 11-Dec-2006

Thanks, Jay...I'd really appreciate that..bob

Comment from E. W. Crowe

Excellent

Good chapter with just enough humor to keep the reader's interest up. You done a great job relating the act of presenting your book to that of selling insurance. DOn't know if I'd ever seen it that way before. GOod Job, Jay.

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2006

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reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

Much obliged, E.W. I always appreciate your comments, because I know you read it through thoroughly. You are appreciated.

Jay

Comment from butchiesmom

Good

Like the ones before, entertaining and informative. There were sooo many funny lines... Anyway, these are a few:

Bill resumed again toward the door. He was five feet from her ... and now Hortense's strategy seemed suddenly very, very stupid. But, when he was two feet from her and the reasonable part of her.....He lay there groaning while Alice slowly got to her feet, gathered her books from the floor (one had skidded all the way to the wall), cradled them in her arms as she quietly left the room. (Fantastic! I could see it all! Perfect slap-stick!)

You'll have to admit, though, it sounds like a C. S. Lewis line -- at least allow me that! (just this once!)

And, even after all these chapters, it so happens that's where we are ... at the beginning. (You might want to go through this again and check out all the sentences which begin with 'And'. It's a connecting word but it's not connected...)
But, they would have thought being put up for adoption unfair as well. (lol)
...just as pertinent, the fact that, with my luck, I would still be alive when he turned sixty-five? (lol)
Provisionally, you may let the salesman into your home (just had two at my front door, not 5 minutes ago, no kidding, lol.)
now, leaning in to (into) the first paragraph.
I was patient. <--(You say the same thing in the next sentence.) I patiently waited for the customer to come up to my desk and say, "Jay, I would sure like to buy $100,000 of life insurance.

Now, tell me the truth, with that paragraph behind you, isn't Derrick Jangoral someone in whose company you'd enjoy spending a few pages? (I would've assumed the uneven lines were typos.)(distracting)

And, <-- (remove) All I'd have to do is put a 1 in front of the 900.

What is important here is that the writer wants his reader to be so thoroughly engrossed as to devour the piece all at once, as it were. (a snack)

Even if you have to leave it to go pee, aren't you likely to rush back to the next chapter --assuming you don't take your book with you in the first place? (Raising right hand--"Guilty!")

I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I like how you weave examples and lessons together.
As always, above suggestions are, just that, suggestions.
Good job, jaysquires.
Gail

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2006

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reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

Thank you, Gail for your insightful comments and your kind words. Butchie should be proud! I like to reward fine crits like yours. I gave you a "thumbs up." Bless you.

Jay

Comment from Sissy

Excellent

Hi Mr. Jay!!

Hope things are going well for you! As usual, I really enjoyed this. You 'hook' us at the beginning with your entertaining style, and even though it gets a bit thick in the middle, it is still informative and enjoyable.

Some stuff to look at:

then, whether or not the Cheshire (C)at said it..

Ellipses (Okay, I'm gonna ask, this is not a criticism or something I'm going to mark down for, but in my quest for the perfect ellipsis, I must ask. Sometimes you do something like: 'Well...' then othe times, you space around: 'and ... welll ... she' -- not direct 'quotes' from the piece, but you get the idea. Why sometimes do you space after the word, and other times not?)

We are hunkered over our monitor, now, leaning in to the first paragraph
(hahahahha...I swear, Jay, I'd just assumed the hunkered position when I read this!!)

Meanwhile, we were starving. (How about: Meanwhile, we starved?)

it's the ('the' or 'a') chapter, somewhere near the middle, (need this comma) of a novel.
--I will admit you lost me a little here, until you made your point with Raven Aorla's piece.

these (m)issionaries pedal in their

What is important here is that the writer wants his reader to be so thoroughly engrossed as to devour the piece all at once(. need??-->, as it were.)

For its greatest possible impact, then, (need the 'then' here?) short fiction needs to be read at one sitting, while a novel, to reveal its greatest potential, should be read in no less increments than one chapter at a time.

Nice job!
Take care,
Sissy

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2006

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reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

Sissy, m' love ... (notice the space?) Sometimes I unintentionally forget (that I'm being redundant) to space before the ellipse. I pasted all your comments for studying later. This is not my best work. I struggled. But thank you for wading through it and giving me such a thorough commentary. It's appreciated.

Jay

Comment from Lokman

Excellent

Fantastic advice!!!!

Is this something you can rewrite without necessarily being aimed at fanstory?

I certainly think so. There are a ton of nuggets in here to be capitalized on by someone like me who is still getting their feet wet in this writing business.

Great job! I particularly liked the part with the two paragraphs and what they promised. Makes me scratch my head a bit.

Lokman

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2006

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reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

Lokman, thank you so much for your comments. Coming from you, the kind words mean a great deal to me. As I've said before, I really admire your work -- so getting your compliments really warms my soul.

Jay

reply by Lokman on 11-Dec-2006

The thanks are coming from me.

Every single one of your articles has taught me something.

What about rewriting certain parts to submit? There are a ton of internet writing sites that would love to see this kind of work. Unless there's already something else boiling under the hood, of course! -)

Lokman

reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

Would you believe me if I told you I feel like a fraud. I've been writing for more years than most Fanstorians have been alive, but I have this nagging feeling with each chapter that I'm just making it up. It is true, I never know what is going to be coming next. It's kinda scary.

So, this is in way of telling you I have no idea what's under the hood. Sometimes I think one of the critters is going to point out to me that nothing is under there.

Jay

reply by Lokman on 11-Dec-2006

I'd believe it, but at the same time I'd say then that you're coming into your own.

Whatever talent we have, you have, is obvious in the way you're able to create an internal dialogue within a piece and pass along knowledge.

There've been a couple of times where i regretted my response to what you said, duly, or perhaps unduly, emotional responses that had nothing to do with what i wrote, but was experiencing at the time I read what you had to say.

You must know then not only the emotional and cognitive learning curve one takes to become better at whatever we do; exemplified in your piece today.

So instead of getting on a soapbox-all the boxes in Brazil are too fragile for me anyways-take the pride due in what you are writing. It's deserved. If a Fanstorian calls you out, call them out like you've done with me.

If someone wants to write and has a thin skin, they're better off not writing anything at all. If someone shows a little talent, other fanstorians will recognize that and hopefully tear apart every fault that gives a hint of imperfection.

I don't care what any of these people say; they ALL dream of recognition, or at least a big paycheck. I know I do. I just started writing a little over a year ago, uprooting my entire family, sort of, went home to my wife's country, but hell yeah! I want to learn to write, and write well, and sell books, and be a writer for the rest of my life. I love it more than anything I've ever done in my life; and I've had more jobs, different jobs in different countries than most of the fogies on Fanstory could begin to contemplate.

So there, infantile as it sounds. Whatever You want to write about, there is something I can take from it and learn about.

Selfish Pr--- I am but hey-gotta learn. And you help me learn.

Thank you,
Shea

reply by the author on 11-Dec-2006

Okay... I feel all better again, thank you. And, thank you also for caring.

Jay