Beloved Dad . . .
Father had more children . . .69 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello livelylinda
Glad I read your authors note
It shows why you wrote your thoughts about you dad when you found
this new information
from his tombstone
like a boa constrictor
eating an elephant
to me shows he was no beloved dad to you.
Gert
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Hello livelylinda
Glad I read your authors note
It shows why you wrote your thoughts about you dad when you found
this new information
from his tombstone
like a boa constrictor
eating an elephant
to me shows he was no beloved dad to you.
Gert
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Thanks for reading, Gert. My life would have been so different if he had been around . . . oh, well, we make due with what and who we have. Linda
Comment from GracieAnn
Linda, this revelation is painful, indeed. The sense that we are somehow to blame or inadequate or not deserving of a father's love and presence is what children believe and it does carry on to adulthood. It was his problem, his recklessness, his immaturity and so forth. There is no excuse for his dereliction of duty, but he was the adult in the situation-not you or your sister. What a sense of aloneness this brings. You had a dad that cared only for his comfort. Perhaps, this is a start toward healing. Well written with powerful word-choice. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Linda, this revelation is painful, indeed. The sense that we are somehow to blame or inadequate or not deserving of a father's love and presence is what children believe and it does carry on to adulthood. It was his problem, his recklessness, his immaturity and so forth. There is no excuse for his dereliction of duty, but he was the adult in the situation-not you or your sister. What a sense of aloneness this brings. You had a dad that cared only for his comfort. Perhaps, this is a start toward healing. Well written with powerful word-choice. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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GracieAnn: thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. I appreciate your participation. livelylinda
Comment from c_lucas
The weakness in a man may be cause by the cruelness in the relationship. In the end, it's the off springs that suffers. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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The weakness in a man may be cause by the cruelness in the relationship. In the end, it's the off springs that suffers. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Thank you c! Linda
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You're welcome, Linda. Charlie
Comment from LIJ Red
Mankind has drifted far from a clan society, in the easy times we've known. Bloodline is nothing, heritage nothing. Those who don't keep up with this rootless way of life will grieve while no one cares. Maybe this is a better way...but I doubt it. Excellent free verse.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2015
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Mankind has drifted far from a clan society, in the easy times we've known. Bloodline is nothing, heritage nothing. Those who don't keep up with this rootless way of life will grieve while no one cares. Maybe this is a better way...but I doubt it. Excellent free verse.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2015
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LlJ Red: thank you for reading and commenting. livelylinda
Comment from Glasstruth
Read your author notes and the poem itself has some awesome metaphors, like the boa constrictor and twisting the knife in your heart. It's written with emotions you know best, and that's usually the most effective writing. I do think you should change the verses around. I would start with the strongest verse. Your opening is a bit slow. Don't get me wrong. Really like what you've done. Here's my idea:
"this new information
from his tombstone
like a boa constrictor
eating an elephant
I slowly suffocate
"Beloved Dad and PaPa"
to whom?
he threw me and my sister away
his first children
yet became "beloved" to another?
I sit here slack-jawed
mouth open in shock
stunned
by this new revelation
pain so deep, every morning I greet
numbness and disbelief
never before met a tear too big to cry
nor pain too deep to feel
stick a knife
deeper into my heart
and twist a few more times
suppose to be a conclusion
yet more questions
compound the confusion"
Of course with a rearrangement the lines might sound a bit off. Just wanted to show what an instructor had me do once. Told me to start with the strongest line, or verse and rewrite your poem. Hope you don't get offended. Great write! Les
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Read your author notes and the poem itself has some awesome metaphors, like the boa constrictor and twisting the knife in your heart. It's written with emotions you know best, and that's usually the most effective writing. I do think you should change the verses around. I would start with the strongest verse. Your opening is a bit slow. Don't get me wrong. Really like what you've done. Here's my idea:
"this new information
from his tombstone
like a boa constrictor
eating an elephant
I slowly suffocate
"Beloved Dad and PaPa"
to whom?
he threw me and my sister away
his first children
yet became "beloved" to another?
I sit here slack-jawed
mouth open in shock
stunned
by this new revelation
pain so deep, every morning I greet
numbness and disbelief
never before met a tear too big to cry
nor pain too deep to feel
stick a knife
deeper into my heart
and twist a few more times
suppose to be a conclusion
yet more questions
compound the confusion"
Of course with a rearrangement the lines might sound a bit off. Just wanted to show what an instructor had me do once. Told me to start with the strongest line, or verse and rewrite your poem. Hope you don't get offended. Great write! Les
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Les: I am not offended by your suggestion. I think your arrangement seems totally backward to me, though. I'll look at it again tomorrow when I'm not as tired. Thanks for reading and writing. livelylinda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
It raises the question of do we really know other people at all, let alone our 'parents'. This must have been quite shocking.
I remember when I found out that my father was not exactly the man I thought him to be. Quite shocking.
Lots of genuine emotion coming through and good vivid imagery.
GMG
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Hi there,
It raises the question of do we really know other people at all, let alone our 'parents'. This must have been quite shocking.
I remember when I found out that my father was not exactly the man I thought him to be. Quite shocking.
Lots of genuine emotion coming through and good vivid imagery.
GMG
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting, giraffmang. livelylinda
Comment from JanPerry
Bad news eh? If I had a dollar for every time a man asked me for sex I could buy a new car at least! Yes the devil lies inside the man for sure, but look at all the things they accomplish in the world? It has to make up for something?
Men are ace but put it together - menace! Its true.
The poem is put together very well with great attention to details.
Hope it all works out eventually.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Bad news eh? If I had a dollar for every time a man asked me for sex I could buy a new car at least! Yes the devil lies inside the man for sure, but look at all the things they accomplish in the world? It has to make up for something?
Men are ace but put it together - menace! Its true.
The poem is put together very well with great attention to details.
Hope it all works out eventually.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Thank you, JanPerry, for reading and commenting. livelylinda
Comment from wordspinner314
Oh, I'm so sorry! I just finished reviewing your poem that precedes this one. I am lost for words, which for a writer says something.
First, let me get technical and say that your poem is again powerfully worded and effectively structured. You did a great job showcasing the pure pain you felt in that moment at the cemetery.
Now, let me say to you that, yes, we are the whole of our parts, but we are all better without a rotting appendage. We cannot, however, live without a heart. Let go of him as he let go of you and embrace the love of others.
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reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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Oh, I'm so sorry! I just finished reviewing your poem that precedes this one. I am lost for words, which for a writer says something.
First, let me get technical and say that your poem is again powerfully worded and effectively structured. You did a great job showcasing the pure pain you felt in that moment at the cemetery.
Now, let me say to you that, yes, we are the whole of our parts, but we are all better without a rotting appendage. We cannot, however, live without a heart. Let go of him as he let go of you and embrace the love of others.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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wordspinner314: thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. I appreciate your support. livelylinda
Comment from dragonpoet
This free verse uses line length and stanza change to evoke emotion. It seems to be the feelings of a child of a man who divorced his mother and created a new family leaving a feeling of betrayal and desertion. But still feels pain when his father dies and he wonders how much the father really loved his first children. The speaker seems to say your father is your father no matter what and you still love him somewhere in your heart and still miss him when he dies,
Well done,
Keep writing.
dragonpoet
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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This free verse uses line length and stanza change to evoke emotion. It seems to be the feelings of a child of a man who divorced his mother and created a new family leaving a feeling of betrayal and desertion. But still feels pain when his father dies and he wonders how much the father really loved his first children. The speaker seems to say your father is your father no matter what and you still love him somewhere in your heart and still miss him when he dies,
Well done,
Keep writing.
dragonpoet
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
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dragonpoet: my father deserted our family when I was two years of age. I never saw nor heard from him again. I knew that he remarried but never considered the possibility that he had more children since he so easily gave up his first two. I can't miss someone who was not there . . . but the pain of abandonment is real and lingers. Thank you for reading. livelylinda
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I am sorry he abandoned you. You can maybe miss the feeling of having a father but not the man himself.
Joan