Silver Threads
A (modified) Shakespearean sonnet of cursed enchantment94 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Outstanding, dear Sharyn. A brilliant sonnetary story, delivered with flawless meter, fine fluid phrasing with good enjambement between the lines, fairly good rhymes (see notes below) and potent twist in the volta.
The rhymes in opening stanza are great. However, using love and above is quite cliche and I advise against it. At the same time, you have done so with finesse and it is fine to keep if you prefer. Using spun and son helps, because it is original and fresh. the context is good for love and above, but you might improve the poem even further by finding an alternative. Nonetheless, this still deserves a six.
LOVE the alliteration and consonance here--sounds super read aloud:
And as the willing winds whipped from above
my silver thread of bliss with magic spun.
These are potent lines and imagery too..with strong emotional overtones:
I cast my thread of silver to the sky,
and wailed, as chains of lightning set me free.
Potent closing couplet-dramatic and effective, and phonetically phrased with fine alliteration:
I bind you now, by cursed silver thread,
to lie with me, in ocean's blackest bed.
Kudos, dear, you get more sixes from me than almost any member here.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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Outstanding, dear Sharyn. A brilliant sonnetary story, delivered with flawless meter, fine fluid phrasing with good enjambement between the lines, fairly good rhymes (see notes below) and potent twist in the volta.
The rhymes in opening stanza are great. However, using love and above is quite cliche and I advise against it. At the same time, you have done so with finesse and it is fine to keep if you prefer. Using spun and son helps, because it is original and fresh. the context is good for love and above, but you might improve the poem even further by finding an alternative. Nonetheless, this still deserves a six.
LOVE the alliteration and consonance here--sounds super read aloud:
And as the willing winds whipped from above
my silver thread of bliss with magic spun.
These are potent lines and imagery too..with strong emotional overtones:
I cast my thread of silver to the sky,
and wailed, as chains of lightning set me free.
Potent closing couplet-dramatic and effective, and phonetically phrased with fine alliteration:
I bind you now, by cursed silver thread,
to lie with me, in ocean's blackest bed.
Kudos, dear, you get more sixes from me than almost any member here.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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oh you make me laugh rd - I just posted this and then was flipping thru Writer's Market. One editor said "not interested in seeing any poetry where 'love' rhymes with 'above'. And I immediately blushed - shoot! You found it first! But hey, thank you for your lovely six and I'm honored by one of your hens' teeth sixes! How's this:
forever. I did swear that you and I
could fly to scorching glory of the sun.
And as the willing winds whipped through the sky
my silver thread of bliss with magic spun.
What do you think?
By the way, IF you have the time to look at my latest story (which is still on featured) please do, would you? I've been working on the adverb disease (though couldn't resist leaving in a couple). :
Thx so much rd!
:)
Sharyn
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Hen's teeth? LOL Careful, or I might bite you for that remark. Hee hee. I love your edit, above. It's far superior to the original and also has nice internal rhyme with I and fly and sky.
I've actually started reviewing that story an hour ago but my mind is fairly fuzzy just now after a long morning or editing for clients and I was about to take a break because I cannot do a good job just now...the hen has a saturation point sometimes!
I'll take a quick look again and let you know if there are superfluous adverbs...and then review it for real later...
Love,
rd
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superfluous?? moi?? adverbs???
Take your time, dear - no rush - no rush on my other ones either. Heaven knows, you've given me enough to do fixing the ones you've already dealt with!
go un-fuzz!
:)Sharyn
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I gave a first fuzzy review...and found quite a few superfluous adverbs...however, I also left many of them intact, as they were not superfluous. Still, in general, I suggest reconsidering every single one of them and keeping only a handful at most.
Will un-fuzz and return later...
Love,
rd
Comment from TOMORAL
After reading your author's notes I came to have even more admiration for this beautiful Shakespearean sonnet. Brilliantly written and the last line was priceless.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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After reading your author's notes I came to have even more admiration for this beautiful Shakespearean sonnet. Brilliantly written and the last line was priceless.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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oh bless you my dear! :)Sharyn
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I think this is very well-written.
There are a couple of places I would change the punctuation slightly:
And as the willing winds whipped from above
I would just add a comma after "above"
I cast my thread of silver to the sky,
and wailed, as chains of lightning set me free.
I would take the comma out after "sky" because it is a compound verb there with "cast" and "wailed". I think I would possibly take out the comma before "as chains" but think it's ok to leave it, too.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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I think this is very well-written.
There are a couple of places I would change the punctuation slightly:
And as the willing winds whipped from above
I would just add a comma after "above"
I cast my thread of silver to the sky,
and wailed, as chains of lightning set me free.
I would take the comma out after "sky" because it is a compound verb there with "cast" and "wailed". I think I would possibly take out the comma before "as chains" but think it's ok to leave it, too.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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Thx so much for your lovely six on this one CC. I just changed a couple of lines when I realized I'd committed the mortal sin of rhyming 'love' and 'above' - so see what you think. I absolutely agree with getting rid of the comma after 'sky' - Fanstorians tend to over-punctuate sonnets - that one was really unnecessary. Left the other one though, as I wanted the 'pause' there.
Did I tell you that you're a fabulous reviewer, by the way??
Blessings,
Sharyn
Comment from robina1978
I thought this contest was long past as I wrote about the picture a long time ago. I thought the artwork belonged to a dead woman. But you connecting her to the sea and making a beautiful Sonnet might make a very good chance to win. Best wishes for the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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I thought this contest was long past as I wrote about the picture a long time ago. I thought the artwork belonged to a dead woman. But you connecting her to the sea and making a beautiful Sonnet might make a very good chance to win. Best wishes for the contest.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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Still way out there in the future Ine - you'll be seeing that damned picture for many more days I'm afraid, dear!
:)Sharyn
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welcome Sharyn and yes I probably will:)
Comment from MizKat
Hi Sharyn,
You've written a wonderful Shakespearean sonnet poem very well. That is as far as I know . . . never having written one or even read that many of them. It is interesting.
May you have a blessed day!
Kat
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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Hi Sharyn,
You've written a wonderful Shakespearean sonnet poem very well. That is as far as I know . . . never having written one or even read that many of them. It is interesting.
May you have a blessed day!
Kat
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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Bless you Kat - I'm coming to enjoy writing this form. Very 'tight' constraints, I agree!
Big hugs
Sharyn
Comment from Vincent Moore
I enjoyed this work, you weaved your silver thread very skillfully throughout. I know now not to tamper with the mistress aboard this ship, to lie with captains fare can anger leave a scorned woman who curses you until eternity in the darkest seabed. I don't think so? best to stay away from this silver thread maiden. Bravo, brilliant piece.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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I enjoyed this work, you weaved your silver thread very skillfully throughout. I know now not to tamper with the mistress aboard this ship, to lie with captains fare can anger leave a scorned woman who curses you until eternity in the darkest seabed. I don't think so? best to stay away from this silver thread maiden. Bravo, brilliant piece.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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oooh I would ... thank you so much Vincent! :)Sharyn
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is a perfectly executed sonnet, and I enjoyed reading it. The sea theme is powerful and emotional. The "silver thread," appropriately, binds the whole poem together. (Note: In your notes, some gobbledygook shows up, at least on my screen, in the last four lines. I've found that problem can be corrected quickly and easily by going again to the edit screen and removing or changing it, then "save" again, of course.) Love, Jeanie
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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This is a perfectly executed sonnet, and I enjoyed reading it. The sea theme is powerful and emotional. The "silver thread," appropriately, binds the whole poem together. (Note: In your notes, some gobbledygook shows up, at least on my screen, in the last four lines. I've found that problem can be corrected quickly and easily by going again to the edit screen and removing or changing it, then "save" again, of course.) Love, Jeanie
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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thank you Jeanie - the damned editing program does that all the time, and actually INCREASES the gobbled-gook between viewings ... I'm sure it has babies! I fixed it - again - we'll see how long it lasts! So glad you enjoyed the piece.
:)Sharyn
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I looked again and see that it worked this time. Hooray!
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Hell hath no fury. Powerful write of a love betrayed in the worst way. I like how you used the silver thread all the way through - tied it all together, if you'll pardon the pun!
A dark and tragic end. Gave me a bit of a chill.
Well done, Sharyn.
Av
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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Hell hath no fury. Powerful write of a love betrayed in the worst way. I like how you used the silver thread all the way through - tied it all together, if you'll pardon the pun!
A dark and tragic end. Gave me a bit of a chill.
Well done, Sharyn.
Av
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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oh punny indeed Av! You've got the key, actually. It was a really boring piece until I found the silver thread.
:))S
Comment from alexgeorge
A poem of love that turns into the deepest betrayal, as a trip of the newly weds has a twist when the husband lies with the captain's captivating daughter, and the wife scorned, curses him to lie with her forever in the ocean's blackest bed as she hurls him into the sea with her on a suicide jump to a cold mermaid's death.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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A poem of love that turns into the deepest betrayal, as a trip of the newly weds has a twist when the husband lies with the captain's captivating daughter, and the wife scorned, curses him to lie with her forever in the ocean's blackest bed as she hurls him into the sea with her on a suicide jump to a cold mermaid's death.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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You've got the general idea, Alex ... how about she hurls her silver thread of bliss to the wind and catches the lightning ... zzzzap! :)))))S
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Ouch, that burns!
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
A wonderful entry for the contest, Sharyn (I entered the same one as well). A challenge for sure to make it a Shakespearean sonnet. You did a wonderful job.
Your poem suits the artwork to a tee, in particular your last two lines ... "I bind you now, by cursed silver thread, to lie with me in ocean's blackest bed".
Thank you for the detailed Author's Notes as well .... very useful for a novice poet such as myself.
bichonfrisegirl aka Connie
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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A wonderful entry for the contest, Sharyn (I entered the same one as well). A challenge for sure to make it a Shakespearean sonnet. You did a wonderful job.
Your poem suits the artwork to a tee, in particular your last two lines ... "I bind you now, by cursed silver thread, to lie with me in ocean's blackest bed".
Thank you for the detailed Author's Notes as well .... very useful for a novice poet such as myself.
bichonfrisegirl aka Connie
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2013
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Bless you Connie - it was an awfully strange picture, wasn't it!? I'll have to go peek at yours now.
:)S
