Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Innocent Looks"A book of a mixture of stories
73 total reviews
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Carol ....
Oh dear - you certainly have a most unexected ending to this short story which is well written and gripping from the outset.
There is just one small change to recommend ....
* You have - My breathing was deafening compared to the silent street ... this should be - compared with the silent street ... OR ... compared with the silence in the street ....
As this is a Contest entry, I wish you well.
With love from ...... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Hullo Carol ....
Oh dear - you certainly have a most unexected ending to this short story which is well written and gripping from the outset.
There is just one small change to recommend ....
* You have - My breathing was deafening compared to the silent street ... this should be - compared with the silent street ... OR ... compared with the silence in the street ....
As this is a Contest entry, I wish you well.
With love from ...... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Nanette,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from lola29
So, you were the one committing the murders? And, your next victim was the man on his ipod? Sotry, I'm a bit under the weather. I apologize for my slowness.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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So, you were the one committing the murders? And, your next victim was the man on his ipod? Sotry, I'm a bit under the weather. I apologize for my slowness.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Lola,
Life just seems to be getting ahead of me all the time. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it. Carol
Comment from Realist101
Hi Carol! I need a ten again! I love this! It is perfect, and the best is, you let us decide if the killer is a man or woman, or girl? I think it is a young woman?? This is great Carol...perfect...Hugs, Susan
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Hi Carol! I need a ten again! I love this! It is perfect, and the best is, you let us decide if the killer is a man or woman, or girl? I think it is a young woman?? This is great Carol...perfect...Hugs, Susan
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Susan,
You are just too good to me..When ever I'm down, I know you will be around to life my spirits. Thank you...Carol
Comment from vandawalker
Oh Wow! Was I ever taken in. I was worried about the character's safety, and here that person is the perp not the victim. I never had a clue. Good description of the night and the walk. The emotions displayed are in depth and help build suspense. Good writing.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Oh Wow! Was I ever taken in. I was worried about the character's safety, and here that person is the perp not the victim. I never had a clue. Good description of the night and the walk. The emotions displayed are in depth and help build suspense. Good writing.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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vandawalker,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from missy98writer
Carol,
I was biting my nails on your short flash fiction in 199 words. What a masterful feat as a writer to create a cohesive and frightening horror story in so few words. The awesome art work sets up the scary mood in your story. Tommy's brother was the killer. I love the first person point of view. Fantastic characterization in 199 words. How ironic. Brilliant internal dialogue from our 'serial' killer:
Boarding the bus, I scanned its occupants. An elderly woman clung to her groceries. A twenty-something man was busy on his ipod. A teenage girl chattered on her cell phone.
I smiled, making a connection. Interest flickered in his eyes. He smiled.
I'd chosen my next victim.
Wow, your story 'Innocent Looks' is an awesome entry for the 200 words horror Flash Fiction writing prompt. Good luck in the voting booth. Your friend . . . Melissa.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Carol,
I was biting my nails on your short flash fiction in 199 words. What a masterful feat as a writer to create a cohesive and frightening horror story in so few words. The awesome art work sets up the scary mood in your story. Tommy's brother was the killer. I love the first person point of view. Fantastic characterization in 199 words. How ironic. Brilliant internal dialogue from our 'serial' killer:
Boarding the bus, I scanned its occupants. An elderly woman clung to her groceries. A twenty-something man was busy on his ipod. A teenage girl chattered on her cell phone.
I smiled, making a connection. Interest flickered in his eyes. He smiled.
I'd chosen my next victim.
Wow, your story 'Innocent Looks' is an awesome entry for the 200 words horror Flash Fiction writing prompt. Good luck in the voting booth. Your friend . . . Melissa.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Melissa,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from patmedium
ABSOLUTELY breathtaking... talk about thinking round the corner! Congratulations, Carol... I have much appreciated this wee tale. Good luck with it. Pat. xx
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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ABSOLUTELY breathtaking... talk about thinking round the corner! Congratulations, Carol... I have much appreciated this wee tale. Good luck with it. Pat. xx
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Pat,
Thank you so much for the awsome thoughts. Haven't been able to be on the site much lately so I apologize that it takes me so long to thank you...Carol
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Never mind... I am in the process of withdrawing for a while, too. These things happen. Pat. xx
Comment from plum145
nice job forming action and suspense with so few words. I like how you turned your character from victim to murderer in five words. thank you for sharing Lorraine
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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nice job forming action and suspense with so few words. I like how you turned your character from victim to murderer in five words. thank you for sharing Lorraine
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Lorraine,
Thank you so much for reading and for the generous comments. Carol
Comment from rama devi
Excellent twist at the end, which makes for effective flash fiction. A good entry for the contest. Witty and creative. Well worded with solid POV and build up of tension. Good tight word economy.
Bravo. No Nits, but I did notice one word you could trim--
A twenty-something man was busy on his ipod.
A twenty-something man, busy on his ipod.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Excellent twist at the end, which makes for effective flash fiction. A good entry for the contest. Witty and creative. Well worded with solid POV and build up of tension. Good tight word economy.
Bravo. No Nits, but I did notice one word you could trim--
A twenty-something man was busy on his ipod.
A twenty-something man, busy on his ipod.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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rama devi,
Thank you again for the wonderful review. Always appreciate hearing from you. Carol
Comment from dmjones
Hi Carol, this is a really good horror flash fiction. I loved the surprise ending because it was. I didn't see anything to change. Well done and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Hi Carol, this is a really good horror flash fiction. I loved the surprise ending because it was. I didn't see anything to change. Well done and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Donna,
Thanks for the great review and all the encouragement. Carol
Comment from cheyennewy
HI Carol,
What a stunning and unexpected ending to this horror story. The story might be short but it does well in getting the reader engaged in the words. Excellent. Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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HI Carol,
What a stunning and unexpected ending to this horror story. The story might be short but it does well in getting the reader engaged in the words. Excellent. Blessings, chey
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Chey,
Glad you enjoyed this short little thriller. I appreciate the comments. Carol