Trapped
He spent too much time in the restroom.65 total reviews
Comment from jclark
I really liked this but you left me "dangling" and making up my own ending...how cruel of you. LOL You know you should consider turning this into a novel. I envision the next chapter going back to CM's younger days as a rookie cop and maybe giving him a "secret" that was the root of his drinking. Then intersect his life with Gidlings, etc. Does Gidlings find a way to escape? Sorry..I digress. Again, I thought it was great!
Judy
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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I really liked this but you left me "dangling" and making up my own ending...how cruel of you. LOL You know you should consider turning this into a novel. I envision the next chapter going back to CM's younger days as a rookie cop and maybe giving him a "secret" that was the root of his drinking. Then intersect his life with Gidlings, etc. Does Gidlings find a way to escape? Sorry..I digress. Again, I thought it was great!
Judy
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Judy...I appreciate your review and your ideas...Bob
Comment from BethShelby
Wow! You've written a really intense story here. The language is probably close to what one would expect to hear in such an establishment. With cop and bartender dead and security locks on both door the drug dealer is screwed for the moment. I almost want more to know what happends when someone with the code comes to open the bar. The guy has amunition plus he can have the cop's gun. He has nothing to lose so there is apt to be more violence. I guess we're left to wonder. Your descriptions are great and you've developed the characters well.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Wow! You've written a really intense story here. The language is probably close to what one would expect to hear in such an establishment. With cop and bartender dead and security locks on both door the drug dealer is screwed for the moment. I almost want more to know what happends when someone with the code comes to open the bar. The guy has amunition plus he can have the cop's gun. He has nothing to lose so there is apt to be more violence. I guess we're left to wonder. Your descriptions are great and you've developed the characters well.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Hi, Beth...What a great review! thanks so very much...Bob
Comment from L.lora
Gotta a love it when the bad
guy outsmarts himself. Yep, he'll
be waitin' for the morning crew
to show and cart him off, if he
doesn't take a few of them out
with him. Good write, excellent
discriptors and wonderful dialogue,
sort of like listening to the old
radio shows. Excellent read. no nits
or spags. Lora
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Gotta a love it when the bad
guy outsmarts himself. Yep, he'll
be waitin' for the morning crew
to show and cart him off, if he
doesn't take a few of them out
with him. Good write, excellent
discriptors and wonderful dialogue,
sort of like listening to the old
radio shows. Excellent read. no nits
or spags. Lora
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thank you, Lora. Coming from a gifted writer like yourself, I am honored. Bob
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Well, shoot you are making me blushe--I don't think of myself as gifted, but I'll take it. I enjoyed your write very much and all of its nuances... Lora
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And I thank you for the beautiful sixth star too...wow! Bob
Comment from words
A masterful write.
The dialogue is crisp and on point.
The characters well drawn.
The details paint a vivid picture. I was drawn in from the first line.
Just two questions.
I like the description of the police officers past alcoholism, but I do not understand why he chose this time and place to have that "first" drink. I would think that the adrenaline would be pumping so hard ... a drink for once would not be on his mind. And if it came to his mind, he would pass on it as he would want to be fully focused as it is his daughter's nemesis he is after. I am also confused how a veteran cop would miss an ankle holster ... all of the detectives I know carry them(I live in L.A.) ... so I think a cop would expect that.
It is a beautifully done write ... I am just a fan of crime fiction and obsessed with the details.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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A masterful write.
The dialogue is crisp and on point.
The characters well drawn.
The details paint a vivid picture. I was drawn in from the first line.
Just two questions.
I like the description of the police officers past alcoholism, but I do not understand why he chose this time and place to have that "first" drink. I would think that the adrenaline would be pumping so hard ... a drink for once would not be on his mind. And if it came to his mind, he would pass on it as he would want to be fully focused as it is his daughter's nemesis he is after. I am also confused how a veteran cop would miss an ankle holster ... all of the detectives I know carry them(I live in L.A.) ... so I think a cop would expect that.
It is a beautifully done write ... I am just a fan of crime fiction and obsessed with the details.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Youare most likely right, Daine...So am I. He has been in and out of that bar all day watching for this guy and I think he fears killing the guy...Alcoholics don't need a lot to push them over the edge...As for the ankle holster....Hey....got to have some lee way...LOl...Bob
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Great write, you can have all of the leeway you want. I just love to ask questions.
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See what you did...Look now....I changed it and put his pistola in his belt in the back....LOL...Thanks again :) Bob
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Great minds, and all of that. LOL
Comment from Sasha
I thoroughly enjoyed this. I love the IQ of a moth line. Great writing that kept me glued to the screen. Great ending. Marvelous job with the strong, vivid descriptions. Your words really painted terrific imagery for the reader. Wonderful entry for the contest and I sincerely wish you all the best. If I had a six it would definitely be yours.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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I thoroughly enjoyed this. I love the IQ of a moth line. Great writing that kept me glued to the screen. Great ending. Marvelous job with the strong, vivid descriptions. Your words really painted terrific imagery for the reader. Wonderful entry for the contest and I sincerely wish you all the best. If I had a six it would definitely be yours.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Thank you so much, Valerie...I am so grateful....Bob
