Reviews from

POEMS, SONGS AND NOTES

Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Dreams Lost"
When I dabble at things.....

83 total reviews 
Comment from dragonpoet
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This is a good description of the deterioration of a relationship, married or not.

But I thought a haiku had to be about nature and a senyru was a poem with the same syllable count of a haiku, but on any other topic.

I see no errors to correct.

dragonpoet

 Comment Written 09-Sep-2009

reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    dragonpoet Since I write stories and not poems, I wouldn't have the slightest idea which was which. I only wrote the poem after listening to how sad my daughter was. Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from Jnetgame
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What a sad but well written haiku. I think her heart will be able to mend at some point. I don't see anything to change. Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 09-Sep-2009

reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Jnetgame I pray that it will because she deserves so much more. Thanks for the kind review. Carol
Comment from Freeflyer
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To write this in so few words is a credit to you. The double edged meaning with happy - sad compared to summer - winter was very clever. Good luck in the competition.
Freeflyer

 Comment Written 09-Sep-2009

reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Freeflyer

    To be honest, after talking to my daughter these words just came from somewhere...I can never claim to be a poet, but I know my heart was breaking when I wrote it. Thanks so much for the review. Carol
Comment from lola29
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Carol, I love the artwork you chose. It emboldens your Haiku poem which is truly beautiful and echoes sentments of truth. I always enjoy your subtleties of romance.

 Comment Written 09-Sep-2009

reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Lola

    Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I greatly appreciate your comments. Carol
Comment from pixiemillie
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When summer is so joyful, end of Fall that joy begins to fade and winter when the soul finds no rejoicing. Well-written, Carol. So sorry about your daughter's troubles. thank you. Syllable count perfect and the satori sums the second line well. Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 09-Sep-2009

reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Pixiemillie

    I am so honored that a poet like yourself would appreciate my small expression. She sounded so distraught and the words just seemed to pop into my head and I needed to share them. Thank you so much. Carol
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
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This is a very original and creative contest entry in which you have painted such a sad image well done good luck regards Fuller

 Comment Written 09-Sep-2009

reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Fuller Thank you for reading and reviewing. I greatly appreciate you taking the time. Carol
Comment from jodim
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So many marriages end this way. A granddaughter of ours is getting a divorce. I don't think she really knew him well enough, because he has a weird personality. They have a child involved, which is tough. Excellent haiku! jodim

 Comment Written 09-Sep-2009

reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Jodim They were high school sweethearts (15 yrs) two children and she went back to college to improve their life style. He took offense and his rage is out of control. My little 2 yr old granddaughter cried for her daddy to stop making that ugly noise. My heart shattered and these words just seemed to pop into my head. Thanks so much. Carol
Comment from Colette
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Daughters always call their Mom's ! I would say you are probably better off
darling, he wasn't meant for you, how many times have I used similar statements.
You have made a beautiful haiku here, and so appropriate, so much said in
so few words. Well Done! Colette

 Comment Written 09-Sep-2009

reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Colette She knows it, but doesn't really want to hear it from me. Two small children, she's about to finish vet tech college at 30, together for 15 years....he doesn't want to grow up and rage is the name of the game now. Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from skye
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Friends first, then marriage, then friends forever....
It has worked for us, and is a great recipe for these cute kids just starting out.
Nothing is perfect, but giving 150% by both will keep it happy and laughing will smooth the rough patches.
Wonderful haiku.

 Comment Written 09-Sep-2009

reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Skye They were high school sweethearts, together for 15 years, two children. She went to college and is about to graduate from vet school...He wants her to quit, says it's stupid...Anger is the name of his game now. Thanks for the review. Carol
reply by skye on 09-Sep-2009
    Selfishness is sad....
    ego will erase all the good things.
    I am so sorry.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Thank you...May I ask your help. The webster dictionary says un able is two syllables but several people have said my last line has six...Since I don't write poetry and am not sure of all the rules...I was wondering if I should be checking the syllables somewhere other than a dictionary. Appreciate any direction given...Carol
reply by skye on 09-Sep-2009
    If you say it -- it is un ab le
    So , they are right... 6.
    Try the rhyming dictionary, try another dictionary, and then say it out loud, many times.
    Then, use a different word.... LOL
    LOVE the new ending... a different word always works.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    I had a suggestion to say unmendable and solve my whole problem...which I did. Thanks for the help. Carol
Comment from S.Yocom
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This haiku is a sorrowful little poem, Carol. I sympathize with your daughter. Are you aware thet the third line has six syllables? You could say something like "torn hearts cannot mend."
I hope you will have time to read my poem, "The Wedding Gown."
Sally


 Comment Written 09-Sep-2009

reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Sally I thought I counted the syllables, but since I am not a poet I shall count again. Thanks so much for the review. CArol
reply by S.Yocom on 09-Sep-2009
    Hearts un- a- ble to mend.
    Sally
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    Sally The Webster Dictionary says un able and able. Should I be looking somewhere else for syllable count? Thanks Carol
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2009
    I changed it to hearts unmendable...Thanks for all the help. I should stick to writing stories and not poetry since I obviously don't know too much about it. Thanks again. Carol
reply by S.Yocom on 09-Sep-2009
    That was a fine solution, Carol.
    Sally