Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Betrayal Chapter 1"In the title.
53 total reviews
Comment from trimple
Good afternoon to you, Sandra.
He took the glass of whisky from his friend and--took/had a sip.--so as not to repeat.
revealing a row of perfect white teeth that appeared to sparkle against his ebony skin.--nice example of show n not tell.
I'm not sure if the term 'old chap' and 'mates' really works. Personally, I'd drop the 'old chap'
This reads as a brilliant starter for something much bigger as you've planted a few intriguing seeds that lend themselves towards a riveting story.
Well written and look forward to the next chapter.
kind regards
trimple
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
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Good afternoon to you, Sandra.
He took the glass of whisky from his friend and--took/had a sip.--so as not to repeat.
revealing a row of perfect white teeth that appeared to sparkle against his ebony skin.--nice example of show n not tell.
I'm not sure if the term 'old chap' and 'mates' really works. Personally, I'd drop the 'old chap'
This reads as a brilliant starter for something much bigger as you've planted a few intriguing seeds that lend themselves towards a riveting story.
Well written and look forward to the next chapter.
kind regards
trimple
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
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Thank you so much, Trimple, I really appreciated this review. I've made those changes, thanks for that. I really depend on Fanstorians to put me right and offer suggestions, which you have done here. I'm glad you are looking forward to the next part. Warm hugs, Sandra
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Really enjoyed this read... You cracked open an intriguing window :)
Glad you agreed with those couple of suggestions... I always dread a writer becoming uppity when I review.
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Never worry about me becoming uppity. Trimple, I would never have written a book in the first place had it not been for the help I've had on FS. You are the best critics any author could wish for. xx
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Best I fan you for the next instalment then...
I usually stick to poetry but have recently tried my hand I writing an essay. I need to read the story-tellers more now :)
Comment from Ben Colder
Well done Sandy. Grant learned a few things about beauty. All that glitters is not gold. Tough party in the middle of the ocean but a good ending, I hope.
Stay the course and lets see what the playboy comes up with.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
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Well done Sandy. Grant learned a few things about beauty. All that glitters is not gold. Tough party in the middle of the ocean but a good ending, I hope.
Stay the course and lets see what the playboy comes up with.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
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Aw, thank you, Chuck, for the six stars. I'm so pleased you're coming along with me. Thank you for the lovely review, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandy. xx
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My pleasure. I have been a fan of yours for a long time here on Fan Story. wither I respond or not. Barbara W, and Sally, and a few more who writes novels are the only ones I care to read. The others are normally garbage. Master, hump, several other writings are nothing but trash. Now that is a matter of opinion and my opinion matters to me.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Sandra this reads like the beginning of a good novel. The complex situation introduced in the Prologue, no doubt is the basis for the upcoming story and creates an anticipation to read more. Good intro.
Ralf
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reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
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Sandra this reads like the beginning of a good novel. The complex situation introduced in the Prologue, no doubt is the basis for the upcoming story and creates an anticipation to read more. Good intro.
Ralf
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
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Thank you. Ralf, I've not written anything like this before, so I'm hoping I can keep everyone interested. Your review is very encouraging, thank you. :)) Sandra xx