All Those Puzzling Pieces
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "We, the Peaceful Watchers"What makes a life? How do the pieces fit?
87 total reviews
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Sharyn, you did a great job of integrating all the things necessary for this poem. You intertwine the weather with those boys ready to ride waves that are building higher and higher. Then tell us of their excitement trying to master the waves. Finally the verse that sums it best: We, the peaceful watchers, feel the joy. Perfect way to sum up what we once knew. I wish you well in this contest. Very well done my friend,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Sharyn, you did a great job of integrating all the things necessary for this poem. You intertwine the weather with those boys ready to ride waves that are building higher and higher. Then tell us of their excitement trying to master the waves. Finally the verse that sums it best: We, the peaceful watchers, feel the joy. Perfect way to sum up what we once knew. I wish you well in this contest. Very well done my friend,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thx so much Jim!
Blessings,
Sharyn
Comment from adewpearl
You have good steady iambic meter
I'm not sure how strict the rules of blank verse are in having no lines rhyme with each other - disappear and fear rhyme - can they since they are not close to each other? I don't know
excellent alliteration in several lines like carve those curls and building bravely
strong action verbs add power to this surfing scene
you create a beautiful and exciting scene
wonderful alliteration in your final lines and a great tone of joy :-)
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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You have good steady iambic meter
I'm not sure how strict the rules of blank verse are in having no lines rhyme with each other - disappear and fear rhyme - can they since they are not close to each other? I don't know
excellent alliteration in several lines like carve those curls and building bravely
strong action verbs add power to this surfing scene
you create a beautiful and exciting scene
wonderful alliteration in your final lines and a great tone of joy :-)
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Hi Brooke - blank verse allows an occasionaly end-rhyme, just so long as it does not occur in any repeating pattern, which mine doesn't. Internal rhyme is also acceptable. Thx for asking the question! :) Sharyn
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, visionary poet, you did a great job writing this blank verse poem, something i've never aspired to do, great imagery presented here. my only concern is the line---anticipation, inspiration, because of the internal rhyme which is not allowed in blank verse. just a suggestion to think about.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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this is very well written, visionary poet, you did a great job writing this blank verse poem, something i've never aspired to do, great imagery presented here. my only concern is the line---anticipation, inspiration, because of the internal rhyme which is not allowed in blank verse. just a suggestion to think about.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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I think internal rhyming is ok in blank verse, sweets - just not end-of-line rhyming I believe - but I'll certainly check. I think rama devi would have said something if that had been the case, but will double ck, most definitely! thx! S
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hey sweets - checked - and yes, blank verse may have end-rhymes, just so long as they do not occur in any kind of repeating pattern. Internal rhyming is also fine. Thanks for asking the question! :) Sharyn
Comment from Titanx9
Visionary1234, there is so much fluidity and creativity int this piece, it fairly flows. I like freedom and the range you portray in this free verse. Most of all you built up the readers' imagination and then you gently lure them to test the wonders of the sea.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Visionary1234, there is so much fluidity and creativity int this piece, it fairly flows. I like freedom and the range you portray in this free verse. Most of all you built up the readers' imagination and then you gently lure them to test the wonders of the sea.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thx Titan - this was a fun write - the ocean was thundering into Pa'ia Bay over the weekend and all the kids were out in full force to attack it, including my 15 1/2 year old no-longer-little-boy. It is blank verse, by the way, not free verse - i.e. all iambic pentameter. Personally I prefer to write in free verse, but I'm discovering that experimenting with the more formal poetry is actually quite meditational (or crazy-making) sometimes! :) S
Comment from RaymondJohn
You do an excellent job of showing the power and majesty of the sea. The rhyme scheme is delicate, and somewhat mischievous. This was a fun read. Ray.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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You do an excellent job of showing the power and majesty of the sea. The rhyme scheme is delicate, and somewhat mischievous. This was a fun read. Ray.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thx Ray - though there's no real rhyme, as it's blank verse ... :) Sharyn
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Sorry. I meant rhythm. Cheers. Ray.
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oh you are funny - no coffee yet?? :)
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This is just so well written, it is a blank verse with so much natural rhthym, just like the waves you so beautifully illustrate with your words. I love the imagery in each line, it is just a lovely poem! Very well written and an absolute pleasure to read. xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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This is just so well written, it is a blank verse with so much natural rhthym, just like the waves you so beautifully illustrate with your words. I love the imagery in each line, it is just a lovely poem! Very well written and an absolute pleasure to read. xsx Sandra
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thanks so much Sandra!
Comment from Hollyhock
This is great blank verse, it has everything. Technically correct, iambic pentameters, wonderful imagery, flowing enjambments and superb diction.
It felt like heresy to say "Shakespeare eat your heart out", so the above is the best I can do!
If I began a review analysis proper,commenting on every outstanding feature I would be here for hours.
Simply then - wonderful contrasts, it's like a sandwich, strength and noise and power between panels of exquisite calm.
In my opinion, this is a winner!
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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This is great blank verse, it has everything. Technically correct, iambic pentameters, wonderful imagery, flowing enjambments and superb diction.
It felt like heresy to say "Shakespeare eat your heart out", so the above is the best I can do!
If I began a review analysis proper,commenting on every outstanding feature I would be here for hours.
Simply then - wonderful contrasts, it's like a sandwich, strength and noise and power between panels of exquisite calm.
In my opinion, this is a winner!
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Thank you soooo much Holly! you've made my morning! :) Sharyn
Comment from amada
I was riding thru the waves as well, heart up with the high and lows of the tides, write so well, dear Sharyn. What a moving and descriptive work, double metaphors everywhere. Congratulations in your first blank verse = You did it very well.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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I was riding thru the waves as well, heart up with the high and lows of the tides, write so well, dear Sharyn. What a moving and descriptive work, double metaphors everywhere. Congratulations in your first blank verse = You did it very well.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thx amada!thx
Comment from Taffspride
A well penned verse. I love way it carries me along on the crest of the wave.
I guess I am one of those peaceful watchers, when from my balcony I enjoy watching the surfers in the early morning.
Your description of the scene is so vivid.Wherever they are, the surfing thrill remains the same, as for those of us who just love to go to the beach, you captured the moment in the line:
As care-less, too, we step on new-sunned sand.
I love the moment when my feet hits the warm sand.
Thank you for sharing,
Iechyd da
Taffspride
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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A well penned verse. I love way it carries me along on the crest of the wave.
I guess I am one of those peaceful watchers, when from my balcony I enjoy watching the surfers in the early morning.
Your description of the scene is so vivid.Wherever they are, the surfing thrill remains the same, as for those of us who just love to go to the beach, you captured the moment in the line:
As care-less, too, we step on new-sunned sand.
I love the moment when my feet hits the warm sand.
Thank you for sharing,
Iechyd da
Taffspride
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thx so much Taffs!
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Hi Sharyn, This is so beautiful to read my friend. Though I haven't the foggiest about blank verses I can say this still filled me with wonder and joy. To me that is a perfect write indeed.
Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
I loved this one Sharyn.
Maureen.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Hi Sharyn, This is so beautiful to read my friend. Though I haven't the foggiest about blank verses I can say this still filled me with wonder and joy. To me that is a perfect write indeed.
Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
I loved this one Sharyn.
Maureen.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thx Maureen!