Old Decrepit Woman Revised.
Written about a painting I saw.177 total reviews
Comment from SCPanthergrl
That is very powerful. I love your symbolism. Everyone must die. But hopefully not as gruesome as that sounds. The snake pit and such sounds violent. Although she dies to meet God, which presents hope, somewhat at the end. Good job :) I like it :)
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
  |
That is very powerful. I love your symbolism. Everyone must die. But hopefully not as gruesome as that sounds. The snake pit and such sounds violent. Although she dies to meet God, which presents hope, somewhat at the end. Good job :) I like it :)
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
-
Thank you panther girl.
-
Your welcome.
Comment from meg2
This is very well written and one might believe it was a real person you had met or at least known about. I like the opposites of "Shivering in your silence" and "perishing in the sweltering Mexican sands."
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
|
This is very well written and one might believe it was a real person you had met or at least known about. I like the opposites of "Shivering in your silence" and "perishing in the sweltering Mexican sands."
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
-
thank you meg.
Comment from Spiritual Echo
I think you managed to bring each wrinkle (experience) at least the honour of feeling that someone noticed her life.
Perhaps she is a real woman and the painting you observed was another artist with a different talent, but the same vision as you brought tp this poem.
The repetition of 'decrepit' seems to put cement between each word that you have used.
I'm not sure if this is the actual painting that was the inspiration, but although I think your poem is excellent also see wisdom in her eyes and rather than treating the end of her life as a death, I wonder if this woman's direct and unflinchching gaze also portrays that death will set her free.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
|
I think you managed to bring each wrinkle (experience) at least the honour of feeling that someone noticed her life.
Perhaps she is a real woman and the painting you observed was another artist with a different talent, but the same vision as you brought tp this poem.
The repetition of 'decrepit' seems to put cement between each word that you have used.
I'm not sure if this is the actual painting that was the inspiration, but although I think your poem is excellent also see wisdom in her eyes and rather than treating the end of her life as a death, I wonder if this woman's direct and unflinchching gaze also portrays that death will set her free.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
-
Thank you Echo.
Comment from la man
Thought provoking but can't seem to understand your reasoning for this poor soul to"hang on dear lady".Also the line"it was all planned".I have driven by countless old Mexican Indian women,some with babes in their arms,holding live rats and prairie dogs, on desolate desert back roads near Monterey.Desperate for a few pesos to stave off hunger for their families.I gave food and currency until I was depleated of both,and still there were more.Innocenses yes,deserving of their plight,ofcourse not.Whose grand plan permits such suffering.Answer,no man nor God,nature is the culprit in most instances,with random environmental and human interaction also contributing to this tragic picture.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
 |
Thought provoking but can't seem to understand your reasoning for this poor soul to"hang on dear lady".Also the line"it was all planned".I have driven by countless old Mexican Indian women,some with babes in their arms,holding live rats and prairie dogs, on desolate desert back roads near Monterey.Desperate for a few pesos to stave off hunger for their families.I gave food and currency until I was depleated of both,and still there were more.Innocenses yes,deserving of their plight,ofcourse not.Whose grand plan permits such suffering.Answer,no man nor God,nature is the culprit in most instances,with random environmental and human interaction also contributing to this tragic picture.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
-
Thanks for the advice la man.
Comment from animatqua
This took a lot of untangling, actually, to dig out the meaning. I like to get into the poem before catching the author notes. I'm glad you added them. It helped discern your meaning.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
|
This took a lot of untangling, actually, to dig out the meaning. I like to get into the poem before catching the author notes. I'm glad you added them. It helped discern your meaning.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
-
Thank you Animatqua.
Comment from Mastery
Outstanding writing, Boz. I am very impressed with your words and the way you have constructed the entire poem...I Especially like these:
"Old decrepit woman, weltering, ravished and ripped apart
.
Like a raisin losing its breath.
Old decrepit woman, here comes putrid Poseidon.
Poor Daughter of Eve, prepare yourself for death."
Good luck with it. Bob
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
|
Outstanding writing, Boz. I am very impressed with your words and the way you have constructed the entire poem...I Especially like these:
"Old decrepit woman, weltering, ravished and ripped apart
.
Like a raisin losing its breath.
Old decrepit woman, here comes putrid Poseidon.
Poor Daughter of Eve, prepare yourself for death."
Good luck with it. Bob
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
-
Thank you Bob.
Comment from MENNIPLOSS
hello friend, is a taste to read your poem, is very beautiful. I enchant myself and he enjoys much. felicidadesa for being a superb writer, you shipment a strong hug and my admiration.
menniploss
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
|
hello friend, is a taste to read your poem, is very beautiful. I enchant myself and he enjoys much. felicidadesa for being a superb writer, you shipment a strong hug and my admiration.
menniploss
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
-
Thank you very much menniploss. By the way what does felicidadesa mean?
Comment from TangoPoet
As far as direct address poetry goes, this stays consistent - nice job!
However, the logic errors in the poem are very glaring. I am trying to figure out in my head how and old, decrepit woman almost dead could be holding her baby. I'm pretty sure old decrepit women have already gone through menopause and are unable to have children, let alone survive a pregnancy.
Also, I am unfamiliar with any reference to Poseidon as symbolizing death. Everything I've studied in Greek mythology have either Medusa or Hades tied to death, never Poseidon.
But other than that, the rhymes went well and unforced, and it was a decent read.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
|
As far as direct address poetry goes, this stays consistent - nice job!
However, the logic errors in the poem are very glaring. I am trying to figure out in my head how and old, decrepit woman almost dead could be holding her baby. I'm pretty sure old decrepit women have already gone through menopause and are unable to have children, let alone survive a pregnancy.
Also, I am unfamiliar with any reference to Poseidon as symbolizing death. Everything I've studied in Greek mythology have either Medusa or Hades tied to death, never Poseidon.
But other than that, the rhymes went well and unforced, and it was a decent read.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
-
Thank you.
Comment from fairy77
I liked that you portrayed a rather shocking picture to educate others.Well done!You made a good point I liked the part innocence lost it stood out to me!It was very thought provoking and hit me like Brooklyns poem simliar yet so different.Well done!beth fairy77.It almost horrified me!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
|
I liked that you portrayed a rather shocking picture to educate others.Well done!You made a good point I liked the part innocence lost it stood out to me!It was very thought provoking and hit me like Brooklyns poem simliar yet so different.Well done!beth fairy77.It almost horrified me!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
-
Thank you.
Comment from catch22
The imagery is very strong and the poem flows well from line to line. However, I am a little confused about you mixing characters from Greek mythology with Judeo-Christian characters. Why do you think Poseidon symbolizes death? I am not quite clear about this aspect of your author's notes.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
|
The imagery is very strong and the poem flows well from line to line. However, I am a little confused about you mixing characters from Greek mythology with Judeo-Christian characters. Why do you think Poseidon symbolizes death? I am not quite clear about this aspect of your author's notes.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
-
Thank you gail.